Re: Managing a visit with NADA

[Guest guest]

How about telling mom that she can come, but you guys are leaving on a dream

vacation after the 3rd day, so you will need to take her to the airport.

And then, for me (I'm a drama queen), every time she said I want to be alone

w/ him, I'd say something like, no mom, you came all this way to spend time

with ME, so I'm going to devote myself to you for the next 3 days.

Lies, manipulations, do whatever it takes, girl. Yeah!

>

>

> Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to

> see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

> ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

>

> First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She

> is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long "

> without saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so

> any idea, no matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

>

> Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

> visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

> raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen.

> But, I know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue

> since before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by

> herself? At one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and

> before I knew about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited

> twice since then when he was an infant, and held it together for the most

> part. But I still feel the tension just below the surface and I don't trust

> her with my son, especially not now when he has developed a personality, a

> huge will of his own and a flair for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above

> giant lies with her, especially not when it is for my son, so all

> suggestions welcomed.

>

> I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good

> and I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

> therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all

> first.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bless your heart! ONLY a KO would plan for how to deal with a summer visit from

Nada - IN OCTOBER!!! This is really what binds us together... that horrible

sense of impending dread that preceeds any interaction with our Nadas... a true

ptsd world.

I would simply say that you are available for the dates of X-Y and not before or

after. Period. You are an adult and you do NOT own anyone INCLUDING YOUR NADA

a reason, justification, etc. of why you say what you say or what you do. It

took me a year of therapy to 'get this.' One of the hardest things for me to

get was that in normal adult relationships there is no over explanation, no big

reason - " no, sorry, I can't " is all it should take. But Nada's have sucked

that ability right out of us. They have made everything WE do, think, feel,

believe to be about them. We have been raised to think we do not have the right

to our authentic selves and therefore must sacrifice ourselves, our kids, our

lives to them and their ever changing whims. That's not healthy and that's not

'normal.'

So... my advice? The best way to draw boundaries - which are ONLY and

REALISTICALLY - parameters to gague how much junk you are willing to tolerate

from her before you unleash the dogs - is to determine when/where you are taking

guests. Any reaction she has to your boundaries on this is simply HER CHOSEN

REACTION. Let her stir, let her whine, let her badmouth... whatever... just

relase the dogs and go back in your house.

One last bit of thought here... be mindful that she will push and scream and

rant and act up. That's what they do. There is NOTHING you can do to prevent

this and behing her emotional hostage will only keep you in chains. You cannot

appease her. You cannot make her happoy. You cannot fill that gaping hole of

need and loss within her. However, she will find someone who will. She willl

turn her sights on a new target. Obviously, her 'friends who are paying for the

ticket' have heard an earful. Let them. See where 'they' are in 5 years ;o)

This isn't an easy answer. I know you wanted something that was no or low cost

to you. We all did/do. But that's not gonna happen yet... it will. I'm there

now... but it took 2+ years of weekly therapy and I'm just now beginning to feel

sane, tough and normal. you will get thee too. In time. With patience. With

practice.

Peace.

Lynnette

>

> Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to see

me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

>

> First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She is

talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long " without

saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so any idea, no

matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

>

> Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen. But, I

know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue since

before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by herself? At

one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and before I knew

about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited twice since then

when he was an infant, and held it together for the most part. But I still feel

the tension just below the surface and I don't trust her with my son, especially

not now when he has developed a personality, a huge will of his own and a flair

for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above giant lies with her, especially not

when it is for my son, so all suggestions welcomed.

>

> I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good and I

have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all first.

>

[Guest guest]

AND on the 'alone with son' issue?

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL!

My teen joined me in therapy for Nada's issues. He found her OD'd when he was

8. He's been the subject of her moods when she can't reach me. He had to

learn, along side with me, that nada is crazy and what to do to protect himself

because I didn't have the ability to teach him myself. It's all OK now, he has

great boundaries...

But - when you know and your child is little - do NOT let it even get started.

Lynnette

>

> >

> >

> > Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to

> > see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

> > ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

> >

> > First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She

> > is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long "

> > without saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so

> > any idea, no matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

> >

> > Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

> > visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

> > raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen.

> > But, I know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue

> > since before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by

> > herself? At one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and

> > before I knew about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited

> > twice since then when he was an infant, and held it together for the most

> > part. But I still feel the tension just below the surface and I don't trust

> > her with my son, especially not now when he has developed a personality, a

> > huge will of his own and a flair for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above

> > giant lies with her, especially not when it is for my son, so all

> > suggestions welcomed.

> >

> > I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good

> > and I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

> > therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all

> > first.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a pretty radical suggestion, but if I could afford it, I'd pull a

reversal on her. Whoever is making the travel plans and buying the tickets has

the control and the power over when to arrive and depart.

Tell nada that you have a nice surprise for her; she can turn in her tickets and

get a refund because you and your family (or just you and your son, if you

husband needs to be at work) will be arriving for a visit this summer. That

way, you can be there for only 5 days if you want to, and then leave! And you

can stay in a hotel!

RE your child, when nada demands alone-time: " I'm sorry mother, but " "

doesn't know you and we don't leave him alone with people he doesn't know

because it upsets him. He's going through a phase where he's very attached to

me. Maybe when he's a few years older you and he can spend time together alone,

but not just now. "

So my strategy is a reversal RE who is visiting whom, and a firm boundary RE no

alone-time with the toddler.

With any luck, nada will be so poleaxed and insulted at the change in plans that

she will cancel any visiting altogether.

-Annie

>

> Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to see

me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

>

> First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She is

talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long " without

saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so any idea, no

matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

>

> Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen. But, I

know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue since

before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by herself? At

one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and before I knew

about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited twice since then

when he was an infant, and held it together for the most part. But I still feel

the tension just below the surface and I don't trust her with my son, especially

not now when he has developed a personality, a huge will of his own and a flair

for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above giant lies with her, especially not

when it is for my son, so all suggestions welcomed.

>

> I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good and I

have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all first.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, and PS:

My suggestion that you say " ...maybe when he's a few years older you can spend

time together alone... " will be an outright lie. Its just a dodge to deflect

and appease her during this particular visit.

The reality is that you never leave a child alone with someone who has a history

of screaming at (terrorizing) and physically battering children, or emotionally

abusing them in any way; that is a hard and firm and permanent boundary.

When you're dealing with a mentally ill, irrational person who can't be trusted,

you sometimes simply have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your

kids from their abuse, even if it means lying.

That's my opinion, anyway.

-Annie

> >

> > Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to

see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

> >

> > First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster. She

is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long " without

saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so any idea, no

matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

> >

> > Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen. But, I

know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue since

before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by herself? At

one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and before I knew

about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited twice since then

when he was an infant, and held it together for the most part. But I still feel

the tension just below the surface and I don't trust her with my son, especially

not now when he has developed a personality, a huge will of his own and a flair

for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above giant lies with her, especially not

when it is for my son, so all suggestions welcomed.

> >

> > I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good and

I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all first.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, guys! I knew there would be some awesome advice on here. I am going o do

the " we are free on x through y or a through b " thing and I'm going to do the

" he's going through a phase, maybe when he's older thing " and the " I don't want

to miss even one extra special wonderful rainbow flavored moment with you "

thing. An excellent plan all around. And yes, it is sad to plan in October for

July...but funny too and I know you all totally get it. And yes, the no alone

time thing is set in stone. And yes, we have an escape plan if things get ugly

(including if she ambushes mr in the car, one of her favorite battle grounds).

For that one, I am going to pull over in a public place, roll the windows down

and tell her to get out and I'll send a taxi and if she won't get out, Im

taking the baby and making a run for it. I have no qualms about her feelings

- it's just nice to talk to others who have bomb squad experience. We all know

the device is going to blow, but we also know ways to reduce collateral damage.

> > >

> > > Hey, need some suggestions. My mother is coming for a visit this summer to

see me and my family, including our son who will be 2. Some well-meaning but

ignorant friend of hers is paying the airfare.

> > >

> > > First question: visits longer than 4-5 days inevitably end in disaster.

She is talking about coming for 10 days. How do I say, " 10 days is too long "

without saying it quite like that? I am not too proud to be deceptive, so any

idea, no matter how sneaky, is welcomed.

> > >

> > > Second question: the issue she is sure to choose to make The Issue of her

visit is spending time alone with my son. Since she beat the crap out of me,

raged at me etc. from at least two years on, this is not going to happen. But, I

know this is going to be what she insists on - she's made it an issue since

before I was even married - am I going to trust her with my kids by herself? At

one point, I thought I would, when I thought she had changed and before I knew

about BPD and before two extremely bad visits. She has visited twice since then

when he was an infant, and held it together for the most part. But I still feel

the tension just below the surface and I don't trust her with my son, especially

not now when he has developed a personality, a huge will of his own and a flair

for dramatic tantrums. Again, Im not above giant lies with her, especially not

when it is for my son, so all suggestions welcomed.

> > >

> > > I could ask my therapist, but my insurance as a teacher is not very good

and I have to pay OOP. Since there are probably billions of dollars worth of

therapist's advice available by proxy on here, thought I'd ask you all first.

> > >

> >

>