Re: Should I tell her about BPD?

[Guest guest]

Many of us have experiences that match what the book says. If

she has BPD and you tell her you think she has it, she is likely

to act very badly. Some people with BPD do realize that

something is wrong with them and get help, but most of them

don't. Thinking that they're fine and everyone else has a

problem is just part of having BPD. If she doesn't believe there

is anything wrong with her and thus isn't ready to listen to

what you have to say about it, she's likely to go into a rage of

some sort.

It is possible that you have BPD too, but it seems more likely

that you were suffering from the effects of growing up with a

nada and that you learned behaviors and ways of thinking from

her. People with BPD generally don't work at getting better

because they don't believe there is a reason to do so. If you

are/were bipolar, that's in a whole different category of

disorders although some of the problem behaviors can overlap.

People who are bipolar tend to know they have a problem and want

a way to feel better. They may or may not be willing to work at

improving their behaviors, but the people I know who are bipolar

most definitely don't want to feel that way.

All that being said, there are exceptions. Do you have reason to

think that your nada would be open to any suggestion that she

has a mental illness? If you do, maybe saying something to her

could have good results. If you don't, I'd recommend against it.

At 03:46 PM 11/04/2010 coalminersdotter wrote:

>I've been reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and " Get Me Out

>of Here " and going through some emotional trauma myself along

>the way. I kind of liked it over in denial, but can't get back

>there now. ha ha

>

>I have read that telling my nada about BPD will likely result

>in her getting angry at me, etc. Thing is, she has this idea

>that we are just alike, like I am a copy of her or

>something. I am almost sure I had BPD, at least LOTS of

>behaviors and thoughts like it. I was diagnosed

>manic-depressive, bipolar type 2 and went through counseling,

>hospitalizations, medications, etc. I took the MMPI 2 years ago

>and had normal results - no mental illness or personality

>disorders of any kind. (The original diagnosis was given by a

>therapist with no verification test, so that diagnosis could

>have been wrong...)

>

>I qualified for all of the BPD criteria at one time. I have

>been working for over 15 years to overcome these problems and

>am doing so much better now. I have learned to control myself

>and am not hurting myself or others. I still have black and

>white thinking and lots of other annoying little issues. But

>maybe I had learned the behaviors to cope but wasn't really BPD?

>

>Anyway, I have considered mentioning this to my mom regarding

>my own case to see how she reacts. Would this be a very bad

>idea?

>

>(I have worked through some anger and am feeling more

>acceptance about her now and have instituted boundaries which

>she is respecting so far. I will not take the emotional abuse

>or allow her to ruin my life or my day anymore. I feel a more

>genuine love for her and even a touch of admiration for her

>getting through life as severely as she is affected - worse

>than me even.)

>

>Or am I just a child of a BPD who is taking everything on

>myself as usual and feeling sorry for her again when she seems

>incapable of self-awareness, remorse, or sincere concern for

>anyone but herself?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Dear Katrina,

I'm just really confused right now. I actually thought I had dealt with all of

this for the most part. I looked up BPD because I had the sense that was what

nada has and wanted to get tips for handling her.

I believed that my issues were primarily chemical/biological and used healthy

approaches to beat the depression - no sugar diet, exercise daily, careful sleep

schedules, cognitive therapy to improve negative thoughts, etc. I have been

working and taking care of my little boys and feeling good about life.

This BPD thing just threw me for a loop. I see so many unreasonable behaviors

that I display. It is disconcerting. I am less concerned now about dealing

with Mom and more with becoming better myself. I don't want to hurt others the

way she hurt me, however unintentionally.

The reason I consider discussing it with her is because she does feel that she

has problems with anxiety and depression and is taking medications. She has

also been in some counseling. I do notice a pervasive pattern of her feeling

victimized and not responsible to change things, though, and these therapies

have only helped minimally.

I am working on a master's in counseling and am quite disheartened to find we

may be dealing with the infamous " BPD " that professors have warned about.

> >I've been reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and " Get Me Out

> >of Here " and going through some emotional trauma myself along

> >the way. I kind of liked it over in denial, but can't get back

> >there now. ha ha

> >

> >I have read that telling my nada about BPD will likely result

> >in her getting angry at me, etc. Thing is, she has this idea

> >that we are just alike, like I am a copy of her or

> >something. I am almost sure I had BPD, at least LOTS of

> >behaviors and thoughts like it. I was diagnosed

> >manic-depressive, bipolar type 2 and went through counseling,

> >hospitalizations, medications, etc. I took the MMPI 2 years ago

> >and had normal results - no mental illness or personality

> >disorders of any kind. (The original diagnosis was given by a

> >therapist with no verification test, so that diagnosis could

> >have been wrong...)

> >

> >I qualified for all of the BPD criteria at one time. I have

> >been working for over 15 years to overcome these problems and

> >am doing so much better now. I have learned to control myself

> >and am not hurting myself or others. I still have black and

> >white thinking and lots of other annoying little issues. But

> >maybe I had learned the behaviors to cope but wasn't really BPD?

> >

> >Anyway, I have considered mentioning this to my mom regarding

> >my own case to see how she reacts. Would this be a very bad

> >idea?

> >

> >(I have worked through some anger and am feeling more

> >acceptance about her now and have instituted boundaries which

> >she is respecting so far. I will not take the emotional abuse

> >or allow her to ruin my life or my day anymore. I feel a more

> >genuine love for her and even a touch of admiration for her

> >getting through life as severely as she is affected - worse

> >than me even.)

> >

> >Or am I just a child of a BPD who is taking everything on

> >myself as usual and feeling sorry for her again when she seems

> >incapable of self-awareness, remorse, or sincere concern for

> >anyone but herself?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Hi CMD,

I've read that " dialectical behavioral therapy " is currently considered the most

effective talk therapy for those with bpd.

Maybe since your are in the counseling field, you might have access to

professional books about dbt and/or even training for therapists in dialectical

behavioral therapy. If you find dbt to be useful and valid, you could then

suggest to your nada that it will help her with her symptoms too (you don't

necessarily have to mention that the symptoms you are referring to are

" borderline pd " ).

At the very least, perhaps dbt would give you some new/different techniques for

handling your nada's acting-out behaviors (and you could share them with us!)

Just my 2cents worth.

-Annie

>

> Dear Katrina,

>

> I'm just really confused right now. I actually thought I had dealt with all

of this for the most part. I looked up BPD because I had the sense that was

what nada has and wanted to get tips for handling her.

>

> I believed that my issues were primarily chemical/biological and used healthy

approaches to beat the depression - no sugar diet, exercise daily, careful sleep

schedules, cognitive therapy to improve negative thoughts, etc. I have been

working and taking care of my little boys and feeling good about life.

>

> This BPD thing just threw me for a loop. I see so many unreasonable behaviors

that I display. It is disconcerting. I am less concerned now about dealing

with Mom and more with becoming better myself. I don't want to hurt others the

way she hurt me, however unintentionally.

>

> The reason I consider discussing it with her is because she does feel that she

has problems with anxiety and depression and is taking medications. She has

also been in some counseling. I do notice a pervasive pattern of her feeling

victimized and not responsible to change things, though, and these therapies

have only helped minimally.

>

> I am working on a master's in counseling and am quite disheartened to find we

may be dealing with the infamous " BPD " that professors have warned about.

>

[Guest guest]

IMHO, it is a losing proposition to tell a BP anything, but most

especially about their disorder. They will either reject it outright

and play victim, or use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

It is ok to suggest that they seek professional help, and then the

therapist can broach the subject with them. But for the KO to do it,

even if the KO is a therapist, is a losing deal. You cannot heal or cure

your mom. If she refuses to get help, fine, that is on her. You just

continue to do the things that make you healthy and hold fast to those

bounderies with her.

Doug