Do boundaries produce a scrambling reaction in your BP?

[Guest guest]

This forum is the best thing I have found on BPD. I can't believe how helpful

all of your posts are. I can actually relate to the feeling that I have " found

a home " here. I have never felt this understood before. I think the hardest

thing about this whole BPD thing is the isolation and confusion it inflicts in

family members. I feel like I have spent years defending my position and trying

to convince my dad, sister, husband or whomever that " she is the bad one " . I

hate that.

I really love people and love her and don't want to play the blame game. But

she sicks them on me and I find myself explaining things over and over. My sis

and I have finally made a pact that we will talk directly to one another first

before she relays information inaccurately between us. My dad and husband don't

even need to hear the details anymore. Dad says, " The sun rises in the east and

sets in the west. We don't wake up one morning expecting it to change. Expect

your Mom to do what she does. " (easier for him to say - they're divorced, but

so true)

So... Boundaries have been put in place and are granting me relief, albeit with

a dose of guilt. Nada's reaction is to call and act so nice and normal that I

feel like a giant piece of sh*t. She wants to buy my boys a juicer to help

improve their illnesses(asthma and allergies), wants to take us to Chuck E.

Cheese, etc. The funny thing is, I notice the games inherent in the whole pitch

now. For example, the juicer is really for her but we can use it. She made

sure to mention the price so she can get credit for spending the money and have

an excuse to get it. She suggested I treat for possible mold in my bathrooms

because it is a trigger. And I need to get the boys off wheat, etc. etc. etc.

I was reading in the " Surviving a Borderline Parent " book last night where they

said to remember a moment, however fleeting, that you felt loved and cared for

by them. I could not come up with one. Like Amy said, the hand that hugged me

was slapping me at the same time. Every good deed or kind word had an ulterior

motive, a string attached, or was a catch-22. I would benefit accidentally from

something she was doing for herself. I cannot remember her doing anything ever

(I know that's black and white thinking) that was truly a selfless act done for

someone else.

I almost hate her trying to be so nice more than her being mad at me. Now I

feel angry AND guilty. And stupid and confused, by the way.

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean, cmd. My nada had been able to switch tactics to get what

she wants (when I was still in contact with her.) When Sister and I were little

she was a physically intimidating, screaming bully: a Queen/Witch. During our

teens and young adulthood she stopped physically battering us but the

Queen/Witch psychological manipulation continued. Now in old age she is mostly

using Waif tactics. I find the " Waif " harder to deal with than the Witch/Queen

because as you mention, it makes one feel like a giant piece of sh*t to be

" mean " to (maintain firm boundaries with) a fragile, bird-like little old lady.

What's hard for me to wrap my mind around is that yes, she did encourage me to

develop my talent, but... it really seems that she did that for herself, so

she'd have something to brag about and exploit me for. I truly don't think that

she did it for me, for my happiness or benefit. It was for her. She did no

such similar " stage mothering " for my little Sister, who had/has her own talents

and could have benefited from some professional-level attention and training.

Nada didn't need to encourage Sister's talents, she had me. That's why I think

even the good things that nada did for me, were somehow tainted.

-Annie

>

> This forum is the best thing I have found on BPD. I can't believe how helpful

all of your posts are. I can actually relate to the feeling that I have " found

a home " here. I have never felt this understood before. I think the hardest

thing about this whole BPD thing is the isolation and confusion it inflicts in

family members. I feel like I have spent years defending my position and trying

to convince my dad, sister, husband or whomever that " she is the bad one " . I

hate that.

>

> I really love people and love her and don't want to play the blame game. But

she sicks them on me and I find myself explaining things over and over. My sis

and I have finally made a pact that we will talk directly to one another first

before she relays information inaccurately between us. My dad and husband don't

even need to hear the details anymore. Dad says, " The sun rises in the east and

sets in the west. We don't wake up one morning expecting it to change. Expect

your Mom to do what she does. " (easier for him to say - they're divorced, but

so true)

>

> So... Boundaries have been put in place and are granting me relief, albeit

with a dose of guilt. Nada's reaction is to call and act so nice and normal

that I feel like a giant piece of sh*t. She wants to buy my boys a juicer to

help improve their illnesses(asthma and allergies), wants to take us to Chuck E.

Cheese, etc. The funny thing is, I notice the games inherent in the whole pitch

now. For example, the juicer is really for her but we can use it. She made

sure to mention the price so she can get credit for spending the money and have

an excuse to get it. She suggested I treat for possible mold in my bathrooms

because it is a trigger. And I need to get the boys off wheat, etc. etc. etc.

>

> I was reading in the " Surviving a Borderline Parent " book last night where

they said to remember a moment, however fleeting, that you felt loved and cared

for by them. I could not come up with one. Like Amy said, the hand that hugged

me was slapping me at the same time. Every good deed or kind word had an

ulterior motive, a string attached, or was a catch-22. I would benefit

accidentally from something she was doing for herself. I cannot remember her

doing anything ever (I know that's black and white thinking) that was truly a

selfless act done for someone else.

>

> I almost hate her trying to be so nice more than her being mad at me. Now I

feel angry AND guilty. And stupid and confused, by the way.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I mis-quoted Amy's analogy; here's what she really said...

>

> " It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other

for so many years. "

> Amy

>

It is funny that you too got " stuck " on that quote. It is a very good image

indeed. Beware of the Mom who loves you.

I wrote a few words similar to that in my introduction post, how whe would slap

me and then would expect a hug, as if she slapping me was a " resolution " of some

problems.

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie and Katrina,

Thanks for the idea to look into DBT. I will let you know what I find out.

This would be good to know anyway because I may be able to employ some

techniques in school or mental health counseling. (May try to take myself

through it, too.)

Great point about suggesting the therapy without mentioning the possible

diagnosis!

I did mention my suspicions that I struggle with some BPD traits. She was glad

to know I was looking into it and then went on to tell me about all of her

problems and ways she is being done wrong by the world! :-)

The waif thing is definitely harder. I have this horrible habit of holding the

phone away from my ear while she rambles or answering rudely in my mind when

face-to-face. Is this adaptive or unhealthy?