what to do when the BPD throws uglies

[Guest guest]

I am a bit delayed in my response as I am working off a substitute computer and

there is that deal of being on digest.

I appreciate all of the feedback. Annie, both your posts are making me think.

I am learning from everyone; yes, I guess I was trying to be boring, but never

thought I'd make that goal and certainly never expected to ..... have nada see

it as a flaw in me! Thanks for the acknowledgment and the many perspectives.

Annie, I never thought I could take my mom's comment neutrally. Interesting

idea. And yes, it hurt, because it was so obvious that nada made a choice to

say something that no one with any common decency would say to another person

they love. The cat with a mouse analogy is so spot-on. I did feel toyed with,

actually. Interestingly nada hates cats, and maybe it is because there is a part

of herself that she does not like, that is cat-like, in that she likes to toy

with her victims. Yuck.

It helped me after the phone call, to write a story about it. Here is what I

had written:

It's been my old pattern to be a fighter when it came to my dealings with my

mom. As I got more perspective, I would try to temper my fighter-self by being

tolerant and kind if I could be so. Lately, I have seen that being tolerant is

being unkind to me. Right now, my emotional health comes first.

I guess that is why instead of accepting the status quo, I asked, kindly, " Mom,

how comes you end the conversations between my dad and I so quickly? " (My nada

had put my dad on the phone in my conversation this past Saturday--she had

initiated the phone call with me--then wrenched the phone away from my dad

before he and I got past " small talk " .

She first played her usual game of denial and accusation, implying I had no

right to pose the question. I did not argue, only listened. Then she told me

that my dad thinks I am boring. I said, " I'd like to hear him say that to me

himself. " And I mean that. I mean if there is a problem, I would like dad to

have the chance to broach it with me. I really need a relationship with my dad,

that doesn't have my mom honing in on it and controlling it. (I've given up the

illusion I'll get what I want in this lifetime, but I am deciding it is time to

stop playing the resignation game, too).

So, my mom stopped using my dad's " disappointment " as her gun against me. She

took it in her own hands. I saw her decide to tell me directly, " You are

boring. "

I have to say that that hurt. Yes, even though I knew boring was a healthy goal

for nadas, I had forgotten all that in a moment. It made me feel

.....unimportant. I did not have a snappy reply and I did not want to act as if

that were water off my back. I no longer want to be tough and " act as if "

nothing hurts me. So I told her, " Look if you find me boring, then I am going

to go now. "

And I hung up, without any anger, just a sense of awareness. Like an epiphany

that plopped me flat on the ground. And my husband, when he heard what had

transpired, told me not to answer when nada rang back, And when she kept ringing

back, he matter-of-factly unplugged the phone. I think he was right. My nada

needs consequences. My nada is unwieldy.

And she needs to understand that I really and truly am not going to tolerate

being treated anymore as a punching bag, nor am I going to tolerate being

treated as an interloper. My actions speak louder than any words I could have

said, on my behalf.

This is humbling for me, because I consider myself to be a wordsmith. But I have

also been aware recently, that positive words don't hardly touch my relationship

with nada.

My hanging up, and as one of you put it, disengagement? Well, that worked. I was

not caring if nada ever called me again, but she called tonight, and she was

civil, and we had real back and forth conversation. I stayed reserved, but open,

and uncomplicated. Something has shifted and I am going to believe in it. And I

am going to trust my instincts more in my future conversations.

These are baby steps! Sharing has already helped me. Thank you!.

Best,