I see it this way

[Guest guest]

Imagine facing a killer...your killer.

What do you say to your killer. How can you act regular around her. How to make

small talk...

Someone who nearly killed you physically, definitely emotionally...

That's how I feel when I am with my mom. I still love her because that's who I

am. But a long time ago, she killed me.

It's a very confusing place to be...to always confront your killer, this person

who gave birth to you...and who killed your spirit in the name of love...and

that other people see as " so sweet. "

My mom has calmed down since years ago...but the lingering emotional pain she

inflicted years ago still hurts.

I am just now starting to understand this whole BPD thing.

She used to tell me I was dead to her. These days, she tells me she loves me and

misses me when I'm not there.

It's very confusing to get slapped with one hand and hugged with the other for

so many years.

Amy

Re: this point on the path

Its true, each of us is on his or her own path to healing and more normality,

and at different stages along the path. You have such a great deal of insight

already, though, that its very encouraging.

I am in virtually no contact now, but recently had an unwanted face to face

visit with nada over the summer, for just a couple of days.

It was difficult for me. Becoming emotionally detached is for me a process, not

achieved easily or instantly.

I have to say that personally find that when my nada uses pathetic, begging,

" waif " behaviors with me, its MUCH more difficult for me to remain detached

because that triggers feelings of guilt in me. Its MUCH easier to remain

detached from her when she tries to bully me, because that makes me angry.

Anger feels empowering to me, whereas guilt is paralyzing.

I'm at the stage where I'm trying to retain comprehension that her attempts to

make me feel guilty are deliberate, for her own benefit, and are just another

*form* of manipulation and control, and when I think of it in those terms...

THAT makes me angry.

Anger gives me my power and control back. It pisses me off that she thinks she

can play me like a violin, and that she thinks I am stupid and gullible enough

to buy it, again. I remind myself that every time I've forgiven her (again) and

have relaxed my guard and started to trust her (again), she lets me have it

*again* with a powerful sucker-punch to the gut (emotionally speaking) *again*.

I remind myself of the repeating pattern of her behavior, and mine.

That's how my internal dialogue goes, anyway. That's how I try to convince

myself to remain detached and not give in to misplaced and inappropriate

feelings of guilt and responsibility: I remind myself that I'm being " played. "

I urge you to read up about codependency: how it often begins in childhood when

a child has a parent who is mentally ill or is an addict of some kind, and how

to overcome codependency. Group therapy, private therapy, and 12-step

organizations like CODA help too.

Here's a good article on codependency at MedWeb:

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relations\

hip

-Annie

>

> I am trying to detach. That's the place on the path where I am now.

>

> A lot of you, most of you in this group, are farther along on this path.

>

> I realize what's at stake here and that it's up to me to do this work, to

understand that I can't make her happy, that I can't change her mind about

ANYTHING, that I can't alleviate her pain. I still tell myself: Well, at least

you can LESSEN her pain by not sparking any conflicts.

>

> But then, as always, it is all about her pain. Everything has always been all

about her pain -- everything, as if her pain (her fear, her self-loathing, her

shame) is a big ever-present stalker who follows us everywhere, but on whom we

are not allowed to call the cops.

>

> She refuses, has always refused, to seek therapy. She says she already knows

what any therapist would say (she doesn't) and that it won't help. I'm sick of

urging her to do even minimal things to ease her misery -- eat, see a therapist

(it would cost nothing), read a book. She just shouts no.

>

> My choice is to maintain this endless fruitless argument or learn how to be an

adult and detach. This is hard. I live nearly 1,000 miles away from her and only

visit once a year, and do have a life and career of sorts, but even so.

>

> It's hard. I realize, from reading your posts, that most of you have passed

this point a long, long time ago.

>