traumatic holiday memories

[Guest guest]

I have been keeping an online blog that is private and just my therapist has the

password. Today she read some of my writings aloud and we are now moving towards

me envisioning myself letting go of some of these memories. In order to do that,

though, I am trying to write them down. Since the holidays are approaching, I

am having a lot of sadness with all that I missed. I try so very hard to make

sure that I hide it from my family and make traditions for them, but inside, I

feel like it sucks to have missed so much of the beautiful part of the holidays.

I know this is a process of letting go and I am working very hard at it.

Today I started writing about my Halloween memories. I have some memories of

going trick-or-treating, but it was always in a very bizarre " mother is more

important " type of way. I can't quite explain it. The one trauma I do remember

was that I once had an abcessed tooth. My mother NEVER took me to the dentist

(not for cleanings, braces, nothing -- none of that was done until I was an

adult and paid for it myself). Anyway, I had a lump under my neck (from the

abcess) and didn't say anything to my mother because she had been so phobic

about cancer. Even though I was only about 8, I still knew lump = cancer. I was

always way overly informed about very adult things.

She was wiping off my Halloween makeup after my dad took me trick-or-treating

and found the lump in my neck. She immediately freaked out!! She ran around the

house like an absolute fool for DAYS, calling people telling them I probably had

cancer. Putting herself into hysterics and scaring the sh** out of me. She

never once took into consideration the way she was acting around me. She did

the same thing when she once found a lump on my shoulder.