Re: PTSD... ADULT

[Guest guest]

Hi Debra,

I'm so sorry you have suffered such abuse in your life. It sounds like you

certainly have the causes for PTSD, which consists mostly of having things done

to you that were outside your control and inappropriate as well as terrifying -

as well as having to do things that are beyond your comprehension, as soldiers

do. Lots of those things become blocked by our minds so we can go on with life,

but when they continue to knaw at you from inside, they have to come out

somewhere. It can be in the form of health problems, pain, or mental problems

such as delusions and flashbacks. It is really a scary thing.

I know it changes who you are because I have been there too. I was molested

as a child too and developed DID because of it. It's a good coping mechanism

for a child, but it's hard to get rid of as an adult. I have been dx with PTSD,

as well as other things as a result of the abuse.

Both of my parents were/are alcoholics.The sexual part of the abuse stopped

when I reached puberty, but the physical and emotional abuse continued until I

went away to college; then only the emotional abuse continued. I married at 20

a man who I didn't know would turn out to be abusive and an alcoholic, but he

did. I was in the marriage for 28 years and wasn't divorced until 1996. That

was when the spousal abuse finally stopped and I have struggled for years to

find out who I am without it in my life. That may sound strange, but I didn't

know anything else. My father died in 1994, but my mother was mostly the

emotional (and physical sometimes) abuser and has not stopped to this day. I

have learned through therapy (lots of it) to let her own her own problems and

not be as affected by what she says and does as I used to be. I still have

someone else open mail from her in case it is the hate mail that she still

sends. If it is they take it somewhere else to throw it

away without me reading it, because I'm still weak enough that I would dig it

out of the garbage here and still read it. So there is still some hold over me

that I haven't relinquished. But this system works for me. I also only speak

to her on the phone about every 2 to 3 weeks, because the calls are never

pleasant and as hard as I try to keep them civil, it never stays that way and I

get devastated again - though not for as long as I used to. She lives 1000

miles away in GA (I'm in CT) so seeing her is not a problem. I wouldn't want to

be any closer.

I'm sorry I went on and on like that. Once I started it was hard to stop. At

any rate I was dx with PTSD several years ago along with depression/anxiety

disorder and DID. I am on meds now that help me very much and keep me on a

pretty even keel.

I know what you mean about the past being so cloudy. Bits and pieces started

coming back to me in my early 40's. Until then I could remember nothing of my

childhood, which I always thought was strange, but didn't really think about it

much. I started to remember why I'm not ticklish, which has bothered my kids

all the times they wanted to tickle mom when she wasn't looking. And why other

things bother me that made no sense. I didn't start seeing a therapist until I

had decided to get out of my marriage and didn't bring any of this up for years.

It's really hard to talk about.

Now I volunteer at a shelter for battered women in Hartford, CT and counsel

the women and children as best I can. I did get extensive training to do this

work; I didn't just go on what I had been through. We help them with finding

jobs and places to live and getting restraining orders and lots of other things,

while providing support and a hidden place to stay, with their children, until

they can get it together. It is really hard for most of them to talk about what

is going on in their homes. And a lot of the women end of going back, which is

common with battered woman syndrome.

Debra, I'm sorry about your having to go through having to give up a child. I

know it must have been terrible on you at the time. I understand why your

subconscious is protecting you from it.

I hope you have help in dealing with such terrible memories. I wish for you

good mental and physical health in the future.

Marti

debra van ness wrote:

I was reading the posts here about PTSD. I don't think I have that.

But again, maybe I do.

I have had some very traumatic life events that just seemed to be back to back.

Extreme emotional pain and major depression from broken relationships mostly.

But also I guess I have shared with some of the old timers to the site, I was

molested from the age of about 4 or 5 to the age of 7 or so the best I can

remember.

The molestation may have had a much deeper impact on my subconscious than I ever

realized. It is all so cloudy... partly because I was so young,,, and partly

could be a mental block of the details. I don't think I realized it was

traumatic at the time when I was at such a young age.

Also I don't think I ever shared much of this here. But I had a baby at the age

of 17 ... I adopted him out. I never saw him. The minute he was born they took

him away before I could see him. (I think that may have been best though). I

never regretted the decision I made, but then again I believe I have separated

myself completely from that experience. It has never seemed real to me though I

know it was.

So, I suppose putting all that with the fact that I grew up with a mother who

drank almost everyday during my early childhood though we were dirt poor.... and

her extreme negativity about life.... Maybe I do have some PTSD.

Just some thoughts.

love and hugs,

Debra V.

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