A Little Sumpin Sumpin

[Guest guest]

Warning: The following may cause a total waste of your time for no apparent reason, proceed at own risk.Secret To Success:A young man asked an old rich guy how he made his money. The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 p.m. for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of a $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 10 million dollars."///////////////////Smartess Guy In The World:Smartest Man in the WorldA doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sundayafternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developedengine trouble.In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that theyhad better jump, and bailed out.Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I mustlive," and jumped out.The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people inthe world. I deserve to live."He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long andfull life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take thelast parachute and live in peace."The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not toworry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."//////////////////////Home Remedies:1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget aboutthe toothache/////////////////Karma: Dear Soon-to-be Ex-Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good..!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!____________________________________________________Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99... After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Bahamas. But alas, when I got home you were gone.Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. ////////////////////////Accident In Texas:ACCIDENT IN TEXAS : YOU HAVE TO LISTEN! This is the funniest thing & his laugh is contagious! It's a phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women. It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site. Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...it's even better than a video clip!!! You've got to listen to this!http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf //////////////////////////////Calling In Sick:One morning, a secretary calls her boss to say,"I'm sorry, but you'll have to manage without me today, I have anal glaucoma."Her boss responds with, "Anal glaucoma? What is that?"She replies, "I just can't see my ass going into work today!"/////////////////////////////Wearing The Pants:A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body."I can't wear your trousers," she said."That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."///////////////////////////////The Husband Store:A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "I wonder what's upstairs?"The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. Oh, mercy me! But just think..what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart - have a nice day! //////////////////////Morbid:If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The look on the faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg /////////////////////////I Saw Nothing:One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their wives. The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared...and even dessert." Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries. The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies.... He sat up straight, pushed out his chest and said, "I gave my wife a stern look and told her from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."//////////////////////Camping Trip:Sherlock Holmes and Dr. went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges and asks, ", look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" said, "I see millions of stars."Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?" replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."////////////////////////National Drivers Databasehttp://nationaldmvdatabase.com//////////////////////////How To Have Fun At Wal-Mart:31 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At WalMart!PLUS A GREAT WAY TO BEAT THE BLAHS!1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible I smell sex and candy"8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.13. Put M & M's on layaway.14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, were out of toliet paper in here!"////////////////////////Dear Tech Support: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Super 12 Version 5.0, Tri Nations 3.0, Limited Overs 7.2, and especially Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support //////////////////////Then and Now:Scenario - Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1953 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006

- School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and

never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized

students and teachers. Scenario - ny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1953

- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. ny and Mark shake hands and end up best

friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006

- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests ny and Mark. Charge

them with assault, both expelled even though ny started it. Scenario - Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1953 - Robbie sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin and/or Prozac. Becomes a zombie. Almost commits suicide. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario - breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1953 - is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006

- 's Dad is arrested for child abuse. removed to foster care

and joins a gang. 's sister is told by state psychologist that she

remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. 's

mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario - Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1953 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal who has a headache also. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: turns up pregnant. 1953 - 5 High School Boys leave town. does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006

- Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the

ACLU. is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion

without her parent's consent or knowledge. given condoms and told

to be more careful next time. Scenario - Pedro fails high school English. 1953 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper

articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a

requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit

against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned

from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing

lawns for a living because he can't speak English. Scenario:

ny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts

them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1953 - Ants die. 2006

- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. ny charged with domestic

terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, ny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario

- ny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is

found crying by his teacher, . , hugs him to comfort him. 1953 - In a short time ny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.//////////////////////Difficult:

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"The

father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided

that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough

to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds

and the bees.When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."////////////////////Hearing Impairment:What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: "blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"//////////////////Differences: