Re: Thank you and apologies

[Guest guest]

Melody I'm sorry I got upset, I am in a bad place right now I'm

fighting with myself, and it really has nothing to do with you or

anyone else that's just usually how it pops out. I have had the

hardest time accepting this monster, because it means I will never

again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it was the love

of my life, my art. The only thing keeping me alive was my boys I

don't want them to go through the mess of having no parents I'm all

they have. But I am like says only existing. I kept trying to

hold on to the idea that i was going to get better and go back to my

life, and it's been ripping me appart. So I understand what you are

saying and I agree, I'm just not in the same place you are. I think I

have to accept it first and then hope for small things. I feel like a

big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please don't let me or

anyone else get you down.

-- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , Melody

wrote:

>

> Thank you for all the kind words, and I want to extend a heartfelt

> apology to anyone here who may have felt hurt or offended by any of

my

> emails. I cannot stress enough that my intention was never to hurt

> anyone or challenge what you do. Since I too suffer this fibro

monster,

> I am extremely compassionate and understanding to what it is like

to

> have 'normals' around you who just do not understand. I am not one

of

> those people, I DO understand.

>

> My mission in life is to help others. I know this is a fact, I

just

> know it. I come here to try and share a little hope with others

> suffering with me, try to share a little " sunshine " (my nick name)

and

> try to be a rock when you need it. I share my testimony to try and

> provide a little teeny glimmer of hope to even just one person who

may

> need that teeny glimmer of hope. My testimony is not to say you

are not

> trying, I have never said anyone here is not trying. I know each

and

> every one of you is a fighter and is trying, you wouldn't be here

if you

> weren't.

> I will be the first to admit that at one point in MY life I did

stop

> trying and I did give up. But I was one of the lucky ones who

found

> hope, and I am here on this planet, and here in this group to try

as

> hard as I can to give even just one person a teeny glimmer of hope.

> Yesterday I just felt like I failed at that. I had upset some

members,

> and when I upset people without even trying to, then I failed at my

> mission. I did the opposite of making a positive difference if I

upset

> even just one person. We all know that negative emotions make us

hurt

> worse in our bodies, and knowing that I caused even one person to

be

> upset and in pain just kills me and made me sit here crying my

little

> heart out and feeling filled with despair and hopelessness. I am

not

> here to hurt others at all. I am here to help.

>

> I lost all my hope yesterday because I felt like I was the only one

with

> that little glimmer of hope left that maybe my fibro would not

> progress. I felt like that even if I had convinced myself that it

> wouldn't progress in my body, that I was being told that it would

> progress and that I had no choice in the matter. And no, nobody

said

> those words, but I just became quickly overwhelmed with what could

be a

> truth. I still refuse to accept that my own fibro will progress,

but

> that is because if I did choose to accept that, I would not get out

of

> bed in the morning. Whether it does or doesn't progress is yet to

be

> determined (in my own body) but I choose to believe it will not,

just so

> I can get out of bed each day and keep my own hope.

> I like to compare my situation to someone who may have been in an

> accident and was left paralyzed. (and yes I know that is no

comparison,

> but this example inspires me.) The doctor says to the patient, " I

am

> sorry but you will never walk again. " The patient says " I do not

accept

> that " and then after months and possibly years of therapy, lo and

> behold, they are walking again.

> I guess I am inspired by that type of will. If someone says to

me " I'm

> sorry but this thing is just going to progress. " I have to keep

telling

> myself that mine will not, because it is something that I do not

want to

> accept, just like if someone told me I would never walk.

> I do believe our minds are one of our most powerful tools, and no I

am

> not saying we cannot will this thing away (trust me, I've tried.)

But I

> do believe there is some way we can use our minds to fight this

thing

> somehow, some way, and win the day by day battle - one day at a

time,

> even if we haven't won the life long battle just yet. Baby steps,

ya

> know? One day at a time.

>

> I had a long talk with hubby and he went on and on about how proud

of me

> he is because of how hard I work to win on a daily basis. He is

proud

> that I continue with my floor stretches and yoga, my cardio, my

> vitamins, my probiotics, my chiro and therapy, he has seen me fight

> hard, give up, fight, give up, over and over again in the last 13

> years. I myself have given up many times. I myself have stopped

trying

> many times. And my own personal result was that I did progress, my

own

> result was increased pain and longer lasting flares. I had to get

back

> up, dust myself off and fight harder. (once again, this is just me

and

> mine, I am not saying nobody here tries, please believe me, I'm

just

> swapping my stories.) He says he is a strong believer that my

fibro is

> BETTER than it was even when he first met me in 1995. (It really

is,

> but that is just me and my own body.) He said he thinks my fibro

is

> better than it was eight years ago when I quit my job, and better

than

> it was even six years ago before I found my chiro. He said he will

help

> provide me all the hope I need because he thinks I have this thing

under

> control as best as it can be controlled, even if there is no cure.

He is

> compassionate and understanding on those flare days that happen no

> matter what, he is even my 'nagging' husband to take a naproxen

even

> when I say no, I don't wanna! (I can be the biggest brat when I

flare,

> just ask him, lol) He even nags me when I do the housework and he

says

> " hon, don't do too much, you are going to hurt tomorrow. "

> But what has happened to me may be a miracle, because six years

ago, a

> day of housework left me in a week of flare type pain. Now, a day

of

> house work only leaves me in just a single day of pain. So maybe I

am a

> miracle case or one of a kind, and I am grateful. I believe maybe

I am

> blessed in this way so I can help others with hope and support. I

don't

> think this happened to me for nothing, and I won't throw away an

> opportunity to help.

> The bottom line is I wanted to come to this group and try to share

that

> hope with others, since I seemed to have so much to spare.

>

> Yesterday I had a rough day where I had no hope, I think I am doing

> better today. I really apologize for upsetting anyone, and please

know

> right here and now, if my posts make you think I'm telling you that

you

> are not trying, they are not. I know you are trying, I know we ALL

try

> harder than most on this planet. I know we are all fiercely

independent

> and strong fighters, we are like an army against this thing, we

wouldn't

> be if we weren't here in the group, right?

> I do not set out to hurt others, and if my words hurt you, then my

goal

> was not achieved and I failed at my mission in life.

>

> One more apology from me - I am sorry this got long, I will shut up

now

> and probably not post the rest of the day because I have a lot to

do

> today. I'm not on much the weekends since hubby is off, you all

read

> how incredible he is, I like spending my time with him when he's

off

> work. Time is so precious, and if this thing is going to one day

> progress, I want to make it count today when I have this thing at a

> manageable level.

>

> I just wanted to thank you all for responding and apologize to

those who

> I hurt. I feel terrible and we all know that negative feelings

make us

> hurt even worse, and yesterday proved that to me.

>

> Love and hugs,

> Melody

> --

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Melody - I am way behind the in my messages. I guess I was feeling pretty

lousy and just didn't have much will or energy to post. I can understand

why some people might take your enthusiasm the wrong way. But, I also know

the power of positive thinking. A lot of us, me included, get buried in the

daily rut of depression and not much of a life to get through every day.

Then we read about our friend who manages her FM without strong pain meds

and exercises, remains active, and has a wonderful, supportive husband.

That can make us angry and it can make us jealous. We want to scream, " Why

can't it be me? " But alas, it's not. So should we take it out on Melody?

No, not the right thing to do. If we need to vent about our feelings we

should, but we can't blame those who have found a way to cope with this

illness and still have a life. We should all try to change our thinking,

throw out the negative thoughts, and bring on the positve thoughts. I know

it's not easy. I don't succeed at it every day myself, that's why I haven't

been on much the past few days. I really like Judy's Happy Party that she

started a couple weeks back. We need more of those to help us focus on the

positives, and less on the negatives. OK, guess that's all for now. Hope I

haven't misconstrued anything by jumping into the middle of this w/o reading

all the posts. Love all of you guys, my FM family. Take care.

Jeanne in WI

> Thank you for all the kind words, and I want to extend a heartfelt apology

> to anyone here who may have felt hurt or offended by any of my emails. I

> cannot stress enough that my intention was never to hurt anyone or

> challenge what you do. Since I too suffer this fibro monster,

I am extremely compassionate and understanding to what it is like to have

'normals' around you who just do not understand. I am not one of those

people, I DO understand.

>

> My mission in life is to help others. I know this is a fact, I just know

> it. I come here to try and share a little hope with others suffering with

> me, try to share a little " sunshine " (my nick name) and try to be a rock

> when you need it. I share my testimony to try and provide a little teeny

> glimmer of hope to even just one person who may

need that teeny glimmer of hope. My testimony is not to say you are not

trying, I have never said anyone here is not trying. I know each and every

one of you is a fighter and is trying, you wouldn't be here if you weren't.

I will be the first to admit that at one point in MY life I did stop trying

and I did give up. But I was one of the lucky ones who found hope, and I am

here on this planet, and here in this group to try as hard as I can to give

even just one person a teeny glimmer of hope. Yesterday I just felt like I

failed at that. I had upset some members,

and when I upset people without even trying to, then I failed at my

mission. I did the opposite of making a positive difference if I upset even

just one person. We all know that negative emotions make us hurt worse in

our bodies, and knowing that I caused even one person to be

upset and in pain just kills me and made me sit here crying my little heart

out and feeling filled with despair and hopelessness. I am not here to hurt

others at all. I am here to help.

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry if what I said upset you. I was trying to analyze why some people

might feel hurt, and really was trying to defend your positive attitude.

Next time, I'll just stay out of it. Sorry everyone.

Jeanne in WI

> Hi Jeanne,

> Wow, I certainly hope that my life doesn't anger people. I didn't get

> here overnight. In my past, I endured an abusive first marriage where he

> used to leave me pretty bruised up. I've been to hell and back with

> depression and self hate, with lay offs, no money, health issues, being

> sick a LOT, being extremely under weight to the point of near death I'm

> sure, and looking in the mirror and telling that person " you suck, you're

> a loser, you're a nobody, nobody loves you. " I've been to the bottom and

> back.

I feel like I went through that for a reason and that is to help others,

somehow, some way. I don't want anyone to resent where I am in life, or feel

jealous at all.

[Guest guest]

>

> Thank you for all the kind words, and I want to extend a heartfelt

apology to anyone here who may have felt hurt or offended by any of my

emails. I cannot stress enough that my intention was never to hurt

anyone or challenge what you do.

> I lost all my hope yesterday because I felt like I was the only one

with that little glimmer of hope left that maybe my fibro would not

progress. I felt like that even if I had convinced myself that it

wouldn't progress in my body, that I was being told that it would

progress and that I had no choice in the matter. And no, nobody said

those words, but I just became quickly overwhelmed with what could be

a truth.

I still refuse to accept that my own fibro will progress, but

that is because if I did choose to accept that, I would not get out

of bed in the morning.

I do believe our minds are one of our most powerful tools, and I

do believe there is some way we can use our minds to fight this thing

somehow, some way, and win the day by day battle - one day at a time,

even if we haven't won the life long battle just yet. Baby steps, ya

know? One day at a time.

Yesterday I had a rough day where I had no hope, I think I am doing

better today. I know we are all fiercely independent and strong

fighters, we are like an army against this thing, we wouldn't

be if we weren't here in the group, right?

*****

I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better Melody! I wanted to

respond to your original post, but something happened and my best

intentions didn't amount to much....fibro is such a pain! LOL.

I appreciate that you are using your will to achieve in spite of the

setbacks. I believe this will help you more than anything. I believe

so strongly that our attitude is one of the strongest determinations

of our health. Not that we can will this away...I agree with you that

this isn't possible. It IS a matter of baby steps! One day at a time

we address how we are feeling and do our best to make it through the

day.

I also agree that there is strength to be gained through sharing of

our stories, by admitting our ups and our downs. It helps us all to

see that we are much the same. If we only post when we are feeling

good, then it leads others to believe that we are doing so much better

when in reality, we might be crying ourselves to sleep. That isn't a

fair representation of this illness to others. It is important that

we can share on the good days and the bad. And that we all understand

that the words are those of someone sorting our for themselves what is

happening to them, and seeking feedback.

I appreciate that you shared how you were feeling Melody. I didn't

feel at all that you were saying anything negative in any of your

posts. For me, your message was one of hope, and courage, and

determination. Even if that waivers from time to time (as I can

certainly relate to!) we are all determined to fight this " BEAST " (as

I have heard it aptly called), and are doing it on a daily basis.

Some days we do well, and we can share our success with others. Some

days we fall into the abyss of pain...and then we need others to help

show us the way out.

It is a great group to hear from.

Thank you to everyone...no matter where you are at in the battle today!

Vicki

northern MN

[Guest guest]

I am in a bad place right now I'm fighting with myself...

I have had the hardest time accepting this monster, because it means

I will never again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it

was the love of my life, my art. But I am like says only

existing. I kept trying to hold on to the idea that i was going to get

better and go back to my life, and it's been ripping me appart. I

feel like a big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please

don't let me or anyone else get you down.

******

, I feel for you right now. I have been hearing saying it

is like existing, and that is something I have felt too. I think many

of us have been there or are there right now, today.

What helps me is a saying my sisters signs off on all of her

emails...this too will pass. At first I thought little of it, but as

I have read it over and over I am beginning to see the wisdom of those

words if we can let ourselves believe them.

Fibro has these phases for me. Some days I can cope, some days (or

weeks, or months) I can't. The phases have no real rhyme or reason

for me...but they don't stay stagnant. The hard times do pass.

And so, I morn with you for the life that you have lost. But I also

can hope that you find the new life that awaits you living with fibro,

the monster that it is. It is a time to redefine who we are, and what

we can accomplish.

Right now, I'm working. Not by choice, and I think only until I make

too many mistakes, or forget one too many appointments. I see that

could be my future. But in the mean time, I think about what I might

do next. I think about what I might be able to do that is different

from what I'm doing now...not less important or less fulfilling. I

consider what awaits me as a new career that is not as demanding, both

physically and emotionally. I hope that this new career can be as

fulfilling as what I have been doing for the past 24 years have been

and that I will be able to find my new art!

Take care, and keep sharing. I love to hear from everyone.

Vicki

northern MN

[Guest guest]

Oh no honey you did not upset me at all. I was just doing my thing where

I think out loud, just ignore me when I do that. I do tend to ramble on

and not make much sense. I'm so embarrassed now, lol.

You are a true gem and no need to 'stay out of it.' I enjoy you here

and am glad to be in your life and consider myself truly lucky to have

found you.

Hugs,

Melody

Jeanne and Dave wrote:

> I'm sorry if what I said upset you. I was trying to analyze why some people

> might feel hurt, and really was trying to defend your positive attitude.

> Next time, I'll just stay out of it. Sorry everyone.

> Jeanne in WI

>

>

[Guest guest]

Vicki.

Well said. We all go thru trying times and thank god we have each other to help

pull us out and snap to. I can't tell you the amount of times the group has

helped me. One day at a time I've learned is a lot easier. anymore I feel so

vulnerable and on the edge of tears for no apparent reason. Then I get on and

read the pots of others and feel stronger.

God bless.

Little

LINDA

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

I love that one! I say it all the time. Sometimes it feels like it

won't pass like during a flare up. I still say it and try to will it to

be true.

Melody

> What helps me is a saying my sisters signs off on all of her

> emails...this too will pass. At first I thought little of it, but as

> I have read it over and over I am beginning to see the wisdom of those

> words if we can let ourselves believe them.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG yes, you are so right on the money. Sometimes I may post I'm happy,

but then go have me a good cry.

(((Hugs))) to you Vicki.

I have a slew of issues and sometimes it's still very difficult for me

to open up about the negative things in my life or the bad days. In the

past I lost all my friends when I told the truth of how I felt. (this

was during a really deep depression, all my friends split on me.) Then

I got happy and lost even more friends. I guess what I'm trying to say

is we should be able to share how we feel and be okay with who we are,

right? I usually clam up when meeting new people and hide the truth. I

tend to be painfully shy, but I keep reminding myself " this is a group

of people LIKE ME! They deal with the things I deal with every day,

it's okay to share! "

Yep, baby steps.

Thanks hon,

Melody

> If we only post when we are feeling

> good, then it leads others to believe that we are doing so much better

> when in reality, we might be crying ourselves to sleep.

>

[Guest guest]

Little , you just email me any time you feel vulnerable and near

tears. You are never alone, okay?

wrote:

> Vicki.

> Well said. We all go thru trying times and thank god we have each other to

help pull us out and snap to. I can't tell you the amount of times the group

has helped me. One day at a time I've learned is a lot easier. anymore I feel

so vulnerable and on the edge of tears for no apparent reason. Then I get on

and read the pots of others and feel stronger.

> God bless.

> Little

>

>

> LINDA

>

[Guest guest]

> > Vicki.

> > Well said. We all go thru trying times and thank god we have

each other to help pull us out and snap to.

I have one thing to say about my fibro as well as the other problems

with my body. There have been times in the past few months when I

feel that I have used the determination by Social Security as a

crutch that, if I don't want to do something or it seems

overwhelming, I will crawl back in bed and avoid it. Some days I do

small tasks around the house, empty the dishwasher, load it, gather

all of the trash I find lying about, put it in trash bags and if one

is full it goes out the door to one of the trash bins. When I notice

the stairs to the 2nd floor appear to have a lot of dust on them, I

grab the swiffer and go up and down the stairs. I do still sort and

shred papers, try to keep on top of paying the bills among other

things. But when it comes to the really big stuff, such as getting

this place ready to put it on the market for sale, I don't seem to

find the energy. My husband has done much more around the house

since I quit working but there are things that he just does not see!

Or sometimes, I think he makes a bigger mess.

But I do have to say, at times I feel guilty and that I am using the

fibro as a crutch! AND, THEN LIKE LAST WEEK, BANG! the monster is

back and I am crying for pain meds which I am out of! The one room I

know I must do some work in is my bedroom, it would be easier to

sleep in and also could find what I need and want easier.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have our good days and

our bad days and perhaps, at least for me, I need to use the bad days

to remind me of what I can do on a GOOD day!

[Guest guest]

Thank you Vicki, for the kind words.

> I am in a bad place right now I'm fighting with myself...

> I have had the hardest time accepting this monster, because it

means

> I will never again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it

> was the love of my life, my art. But I am like says only

> existing. I kept trying to hold on to the idea that i was going to

get

> better and go back to my life, and it's been ripping me appart. I

> feel like a big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please

> don't let me or anyone else get you down.

>

> ******

> , I feel for you right now. I have been hearing saying

it

> is like existing, and that is something I have felt too. I think

many

> of us have been there or are there right now, today.

>

> What helps me is a saying my sisters signs off on all of her

> emails...this too will pass. At first I thought little of it, but

as

> I have read it over and over I am beginning to see the wisdom of

those

> words if we can let ourselves believe them.

>

> Fibro has these phases for me. Some days I can cope, some days (or

> weeks, or months) I can't. The phases have no real rhyme or reason

> for me...but they don't stay stagnant. The hard times do pass.

>

> And so, I morn with you for the life that you have lost. But I also

> can hope that you find the new life that awaits you living with

fibro,

> the monster that it is. It is a time to redefine who we are, and

what

> we can accomplish.

>

> Right now, I'm working. Not by choice, and I think only until I

make

> too many mistakes, or forget one too many appointments. I see that

> could be my future. But in the mean time, I think about what I

might

> do next. I think about what I might be able to do that is different

> from what I'm doing now...not less important or less fulfilling. I

> consider what awaits me as a new career that is not as demanding,

both

> physically and emotionally. I hope that this new career can be as

> fulfilling as what I have been doing for the past 24 years have been

> and that I will be able to find my new art!

>

> Take care, and keep sharing. I love to hear from everyone.

> Vicki

> northern MN

>