RE: No more hope/Melody

[Guest guest]

Melody,

there is hope. We just need to trust it. Maybe a cure will come about

tomorrow, we just don't know. Staying here would benefit you, even if you cannot

help others. I pray things will improve for you. Maybe this is depression

talking? Have you been treated or diagnosed for it? I have my days too, where I

think maybe if i were gone my life would be so much better, but it isn't the

answer honey. Think how hurt friends and family would be without you. Please

reach out so we might help you. I am here anytime.

Hugs,

Honeycutt wrote:

GOD grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change the courage to

change the things I canand the wisdom to know the difference. Amen ! ! !

To: Fibromyalgia_Support_Group@...: melodyanna@...:

Thu, 7 Feb 2008 16:12:05 -0600Subject: No more hope

***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that everyone's fibro is

different and for those that have fibro in a lesser degree than we do when it

comes to intensity let's cheer them on and be glad that they can work, etc. They

need that kind of support too. ***One of the things that has gotten me through

this monster each day for the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it

would not progress. When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid

and I quit going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and

refused to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what more

could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with it and I'll

just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my neck issues. Ah, I'll

just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice a year I'd flare and start

wondering if I had something awful and deadly, but the flare would subside and I

would carry on.Years go by and those commercials

came out, suddenly people around me are more understanding and I can freely

talk about this thing without sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the

suffering is less. I gave my life to God and was baptized into a church on

December 2, and I pray and meditate as often as I can, and try to hold onto hope

that 'this will not progress.'Yet there is the daily pain. How can one have any

hope when living in daily pain? Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would

not progress.' All the research I've done said so, everyone told me so, and that

is what got me out of bed on a daily basis. That and my faith. But then I came

here.I joined this group during a really bad, long flare, hoping to find some

hope, some support, friendship, and some others 'like me' who need to vent out

our frustrations with this daily pain. But there is no hope. None. My hope has

gone out the window. I have no hope anymore, I lost that and there is no reason

to have any hope anymore. Because the majority

tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on living then? I gave

up the will to live when I first started suffering with this in 1995, and I

hoped to die every single day. My faith tells me that suicide is murder so I

could not take my life then nor could I ever, but I cried to my husband every

day that I just wanted to die. And I meant it. Then I poured my life into God

and tried to find a way to cope with this hell on earth. It did help my spirit a

bit. Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and discovered 'this

would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope! Hope that I no

longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that time. A tiny teensy

glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still hang onto my hope that if I keep

doing what my body likes, what works for my own individual body, that mine will

not progress. I look to my mother who is always smiling and shining. I look to

my sister who suffers tremendously but is so

strong. I want to be like them - they inspire me to move forward, and those two

women are another reason I could never take my life back then.But some days it's

so bad I lose my hope. So I remind myself day in and day out that tomorrow will

be better, and this will not progress. Yet you all have done a darn good job of

convincing me that this will progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot

imagine any pain worse than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting

WORSE and my ibs and my GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just going

to get worse and worse and worse - well I just don't see any point in getting

out of bed anymore at all. I see no point in living or having any hope anymore

at all. I cannot even imagine it worse than it already is, how in the world can

I hurt more than today? Yet many here insist it'll happen and my future suddenly

looks so dark and dreary and not worth living for.The fear that it will get

worse just makes me want to end it

right now. I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long gone.I tried to

share some hope but it only made people think I was talking about them and their

fibro, no I was talking about my own individual fibro that is my own. I wanted

to help lift at least one person up, but I don't think I succeeded. I lost not

only hope for my future, but hope for myself to bring light into someones life.I

am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I only share what I do and

what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I have no more hope. I have

nothing to look forward to if this is just going to get worse.Maybe I'm living a

fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked believing that it wasn't going to

get worse. Even if it is true or even if it isn't true, I liked believing that

because it gave me a little glimmer of hope on a horribly painful depressing

miserable day when I cannot stop crying. It gave me enough hope to get out of

bed in the morning, on the days when I

would wake up in so much pain that I would just lie there for an hour watching

tv before I could muster up the motivation to get out of bed.How can I smile

when there is no hope for the future or no relief in sight, ever? I used to cry

because I realized this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life, but

now I cry because today will feel like a picnic compared to five years from now,

ten years from now, twenty years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain

now. Today. How can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare

it!This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling my leg?

I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given the worst news in

the world, and I tried to be in denial because I don't want this thing to

progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that this won't progress so I could

get out of bed each day, but I'm all along in having that hope and I'm now

convinced the rest of my life is going to be a

progression of hell and misery, worse than it is right now? Worse? I'm just so

scared right now, I don't want to go through it anymore. I can live with this

thing as it is right now, but if it gets worse, I just don't think I can. And I

just cannot stop the tears from falling!Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't

know if I shared this with you but that is an actual phobia for me. A real

phobia. I have nightmares all the time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams

are SO real. I wake up and feel my teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a

dream. Yet everyone here says our teeth will crumble and fall out because fibro.

You have no idea what type of fear that inflicts into me. I am just so scared

right now I just can't face life anymore.Sometimes I do think it would just be

easier to end it all now rather than go through another day of this, when it is

just going to get worse and worse.I feel as if I have lost the will to

live.Where there is no hope, there is only

sadness.And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

forward, because today I just want to give up.I just can't get worse, I just

can't! I don't think I can tolerate life if this thing is going to get worse.I

have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and bad, worse and

better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting hope back, going through

denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on. But I got to a point where I was

very happy and filled with hope for the future. My hope is gone. And I don't

know how I can get that back.I am going to leave the group because I don't think

I have anything more to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for

others, but I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.--