Re: No more hope

[Guest guest]

Melody, I hope that you haven't left the group yet, because I would like for

you to read this. Maybe this monster doesn't stay the same and we have to

keep learning to deal with a new " normal, " but life is still worth living and

it's still worth hoping that some day things with fibro will get better.

Since this past summer, I have had to learn to accept a new " normal " for me

twice, but with my faith in God and this group, I have been able to do it.

You have offered a lot during the time that you have been with us and I

would love to be able to continue to see your comments.

Love and gentle hugs,

Debi/Central Cal.-55

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be a good e-mail buddy, and ALWAYS

protect your friends from email address harvesters which can lead to more

Spam, unwanted mail, and even viruses.

Copy and paste forwards into a new email and place parenthesis around the

addresses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.

(http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?NCID=aolcmp00300000002\

5

48)

[Guest guest]

Your email has helped me. I feel much the same way, and often. I could

never admit that to friends or family. They would be horrified that I think

such thoughts all the time.

Groups like this help people. It helps people cope, knowing they're not

alone. Especially with this disease. We write about our symptoms and other

people's reactions to our predicaments and we nurture and comfort one

another.

I am still hopeful that one day they will figure out what REALLY causes this

disease...and that it will be a simple condition that has a cascading effect

on our many affected body systems.

Love & light,

in Louisiana

> ***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that everyone's

> fibro is different and for those that have fibro in a lesser degree than we

> do when it comes to intensity let's cheer them on and be glad that they can

> work, etc. They need that kind of support too. ***

>

> One of the things that has gotten me through this monster each day for

> the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it would not progress.

> When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid and I quit

> going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and refused

> to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what more

> could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with it and

> I'll just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my neck

> issues. Ah, I'll just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice a

> year I'd flare and start wondering if I had something awful and deadly,

> but the flare would subside and I would carry on.

>

> Years go by and those commercials came out, suddenly people around me

> are more understanding and I can freely talk about this thing without

> sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the suffering is less. I gave my

> life to God and was baptized into a church on December 2, and I pray and

> meditate as often as I can, and try to hold onto hope that 'this will

> not progress.'

> Yet there is the daily pain. How can one have any hope when living in

> daily pain? Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would not

> progress.' All the research I've done said so, everyone told me so, and

> that is what got me out of bed on a daily basis. That and my faith.

> But then I came here.

>

> I joined this group during a really bad, long flare, hoping to find some

> hope, some support, friendship, and some others 'like me' who need to

> vent out our frustrations with this daily pain. But there is no hope.

> None. My hope has gone out the window. I have no hope anymore, I lost

> that and there is no reason to have any hope anymore. Because the

> majority tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on

> living then? I gave up the will to live when I first started suffering

> with this in 1995, and I hoped to die every single day. My faith tells

> me that suicide is murder so I could not take my life then nor could I

> ever, but I cried to my husband every day that I just wanted to die.

> And I meant it. Then I poured my life into God and tried to find a way

> to cope with this hell on earth. It did help my spirit a bit.

> Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and discovered 'this

> would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope! Hope

> that I no longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that

> time. A tiny teensy glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still hang

> onto my hope that if I keep doing what my body likes, what works for my

> own individual body, that mine will not progress. I look to my mother

> who is always smiling and shining. I look to my sister who suffers

> tremendously but is so strong. I want to be like them - they inspire me

> to move forward, and those two women are another reason I could never

> take my life back then.

> But some days it's so bad I lose my hope. So I remind myself day in and

> day out that tomorrow will be better, and this will not progress. Yet

> you all have done a darn good job of convincing me that this will

> progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot imagine any pain

> worse than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting WORSE and

> my ibs and my GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just going to

> get worse and worse and worse - well I just don't see any point in

> getting out of bed anymore at all. I see no point in living or having

> any hope anymore at all. I cannot even imagine it worse than it already

> is, how in the world can I hurt more than today? Yet many here insist

> it'll happen and my future suddenly looks so dark and dreary and not

> worth living for.

> The fear that it will get worse just makes me want to end it right now.

> I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long gone.

>

> I tried to share some hope but it only made people think I was talking

> about them and their fibro, no I was talking about my own individual

> fibro that is my own. I wanted to help lift at least one person up, but

> I don't think I succeeded. I lost not only hope for my future, but hope

> for myself to bring light into someones life.

> I am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I only share what I

> do and what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I have no more

> hope. I have nothing to look forward to if this is just going to get

> worse.

>

> Maybe I'm living a fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked

> believing that it wasn't going to get worse. Even if it is true or even

> if it isn't true, I liked believing that because it gave me a little

> glimmer of hope on a horribly painful depressing miserable day when I

> cannot stop crying. It gave me enough hope to get out of bed in the

> morning, on the days when I would wake up in so much pain that I would

> just lie there for an hour watching tv before I could muster up the

> motivation to get out of bed.

> How can I smile when there is no hope for the future or no relief in

> sight, ever? I used to cry because I realized this is how I'm going to

> feel for the rest of my life, but now I cry because today will feel like

> a picnic compared to five years from now, ten years from now, twenty

> years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain now. Today. How

> can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare it!

> This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling my

> leg? I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given the

> worst news in the world, and I tried to be in denial because I don't

> want this thing to progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that this

> won't progress so I could get out of bed each day, but I'm all along in

> having that hope and I'm now convinced the rest of my life is going to

> be a progression of hell and misery, worse than it is right now?

> Worse? I'm just so scared right now, I don't want to go through it

> anymore. I can live with this thing as it is right now, but if it gets

> worse, I just don't think I can. And I just cannot stop the tears from

> falling!

>

> Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't know if I shared this with you

> but that is an actual phobia for me. A real phobia. I have nightmares

> all the time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams are SO real. I wake

> up and feel my teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a dream. Yet

> everyone here says our teeth will crumble and fall out because fibro.

> You have no idea what type of fear that inflicts into me. I am just so

> scared right now I just can't face life anymore.

>

> Sometimes I do think it would just be easier to end it all now rather

> than go through another day of this, when it is just going to get worse

> and worse.

> I feel as if I have lost the will to live.

> Where there is no hope, there is only sadness.

> And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

> forward, because today I just want to give up.

> I just can't get worse, I just can't! I don't think I can tolerate life

> if this thing is going to get worse.

> I have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and bad,

> worse and better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting hope

> back, going through denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on. But I

> got to a point where I was very happy and filled with hope for the future.

>

> My hope is gone. And I don't know how I can get that back.

>

> I am going to leave the group because I don't think I have anything more

> to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for others, but

> I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.

>

> --

>

>

[Guest guest]

Melody,

I'm confused. Your experience is your own. Other people's

experience is their own. Why on earth would your hope, or

hopelessness, depend on the experience of others, whether or not a

majority? Why would you lose hope because someone else is worse now

than five years ago?

I'm sitting at the computer right now and my arms are going numb.

I'm not in terrible pain today, wasn't yesterday. Wednesday, I was.

That's *my* pain, and *my* experience. Not yours, not anybody else's.

Last summer, after my fourth major surgery in less than 2 years, I

was in a period constant flare and was getting pretty desperate. Now

I'm not in a period of constant flare. I have bad days, and not so

bad days, and some pretty darned good ones. My physical condition is

*so* much better than it was a few years ago, because I've taken

major steps to try to fix it. The fibro pain, when it comes, is just

as bad as it was in 1962. I seem to come back from flares more

quickly than I did several years ago.

In 2004, I was in terrible pain from degenerated knees, was super

morbidly obese, and suffering constant fibro pain. When I looked

ahead, all I could see was more of the same, and like you, I lost

hope. I looked around and found some. I worked very hard, had to

make some hard changes to my life, and things got better. The fibro

pain is still there, but other things are better. When I was such a

complete physical disaster, the weight of the fibro was much

heavier. Now that I'm in better physical condition, the fibro flares

are still as bad, but the times in between are better, which seem to

make the bad times more bearable, because I can see past the pain to

where it will let up.

I don't know what will happen in the next five years. I'd like to go

back to work. I also know that if and when I go back to work, the

intense work I've been doing on my physical condition will take a

back seat. That could lead to all kinds of bad problems. I could

also get hit by a truck or develop a disease. In the end, hopefully

not for about 30 years, I will die. Nobody gets out of this life alive.

Between you and me and the fencepost, I'd personally rather dwell on

the company I'm having on Sunday and what I have to do to get ready

for that, and my garden path that I'm making that I need to finish,

and what I want to eat for the next week. Not whether my fibro will

be better or worse in five years.

You have subscribed to a religious philosophy based on hope. There

are resources in that philosophy that you can latch onto right now.

I suggest that you start looking. Call someone, perhaps a

clergyperson, who might be able to give you comfort and some

references for hope. Use what you can from this group and don't get

bogged down in other people's bad experiences. It's possible to have

empathy and sympathy without taking another person's pain as your

own, or feeling like you have to somehow fix it.

In the immortal words of ette Goddard ( " The Women " , MGM, 1940),

" Chin up, dear - both of them " ;D ;D

Z

[Guest guest]

There's no reason to lose hope. We whose Fibromyalgia has progressed have to

hold onto hope that we will be able to take whatever comes and get through it.

I too hoped it would not progress, but then it did and I know it could take even

more of my life away, but I don't give up because as has been said we are not

given more than we can handle. I push through whatever is happening day by day.

Some days are worse than others. On the good days I hope it will stay that way

and make plans and do all manner of things, but when the bad days come back I

cry or vent and come on here and whine, but eventually I suck it up and try hard

to deal with that too.

I hope that I will remain strong enough and active enough that I can still

have my grand children over to stay with me. I hope that whatever comes next I

will be able to stand it and go on. And yes, I still hope that it has

progressed as far as it will.

Hope is everything. Please don't give up hope; maybe find other things to

hope for too as well as the Fibromyalgia. We whose Fibro has progressed, and

most of ours has no matter what we try or what new doctors or dx we seek, still

hope for lots of things and our lives have continued, granted with a lot of

losses along the way. Maybe yours won't progress; there's no reason not to

hope for that. I sincerely hope that it doesn't. But if it does, you will

just adjust to that as you have adjusted to what has already come. You can do

it. We are doing it and I know you can too.

I know you have written a heartfelt letter here and have given us the reasons

why you hang on so tightly to the fact that it doesn't progress. Knowing your

reasons is a good thing and I'm glad you shared them with us.

I hope you have a good day and that your hope is restored fully.

Blessed be,

Marti

Melody wrote:

***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that everyone's

fibro is different and for those that have fibro in a lesser degree than we do

when it comes to intensity let's cheer them on and be glad that they can work,

etc. They need that kind of support too. ***

One of the things that has gotten me through this monster each day for

the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it would not progress.

When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid and I quit

going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and refused

to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what more

could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with it and

I'll just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my neck

issues. Ah, I'll just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice a

year I'd flare and start wondering if I had something awful and deadly,

but the flare would subside and I would carry on.

Years go by and those commercials came out, suddenly people around me

are more understanding and I can freely talk about this thing without

sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the suffering is less. I gave my

life to God and was baptized into a church on December 2, and I pray and

meditate as often as I can, and try to hold onto hope that 'this will

not progress.'

Yet there is the daily pain. How can one have any hope when living in

daily pain? Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would not

progress.' All the research I've done said so, everyone told me so, and

that is what got me out of bed on a daily basis. That and my faith.

But then I came here.

I joined this group during a really bad, long flare, hoping to find some

hope, some support, friendship, and some others 'like me' who need to

vent out our frustrations with this daily pain. But there is no hope.

None. My hope has gone out the window. I have no hope anymore, I lost

that and there is no reason to have any hope anymore. Because the

majority tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on

living then? I gave up the will to live when I first started suffering

with this in 1995, and I hoped to die every single day. My faith tells

me that suicide is murder so I could not take my life then nor could I

ever, but I cried to my husband every day that I just wanted to die.

And I meant it. Then I poured my life into God and tried to find a way

to cope with this hell on earth. It did help my spirit a bit.

Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and discovered 'this

would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope! Hope

that I no longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that

time. A tiny teensy glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still hang

onto my hope that if I keep doing what my body likes, what works for my

own individual body, that mine will not progress. I look to my mother

who is always smiling and shining. I look to my sister who suffers

tremendously but is so strong. I want to be like them - they inspire me

to move forward, and those two women are another reason I could never

take my life back then.

But some days it's so bad I lose my hope. So I remind myself day in and

day out that tomorrow will be better, and this will not progress. Yet

you all have done a darn good job of convincing me that this will

progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot imagine any pain

worse than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting WORSE and

my ibs and my GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just going to

get worse and worse and worse - well I just don't see any point in

getting out of bed anymore at all. I see no point in living or having

any hope anymore at all. I cannot even imagine it worse than it already

is, how in the world can I hurt more than today? Yet many here insist

it'll happen and my future suddenly looks so dark and dreary and not

worth living for.

The fear that it will get worse just makes me want to end it right now.

I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long gone.

I tried to share some hope but it only made people think I was talking

about them and their fibro, no I was talking about my own individual

fibro that is my own. I wanted to help lift at least one person up, but

I don't think I succeeded. I lost not only hope for my future, but hope

for myself to bring light into someones life.

I am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I only share what I

do and what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I have no more

hope. I have nothing to look forward to if this is just going to get worse.

Maybe I'm living a fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked

believing that it wasn't going to get worse. Even if it is true or even

if it isn't true, I liked believing that because it gave me a little

glimmer of hope on a horribly painful depressing miserable day when I

cannot stop crying. It gave me enough hope to get out of bed in the

morning, on the days when I would wake up in so much pain that I would

just lie there for an hour watching tv before I could muster up the

motivation to get out of bed.

How can I smile when there is no hope for the future or no relief in

sight, ever? I used to cry because I realized this is how I'm going to

feel for the rest of my life, but now I cry because today will feel like

a picnic compared to five years from now, ten years from now, twenty

years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain now. Today. How

can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare it!

This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling my

leg? I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given the

worst news in the world, and I tried to be in denial because I don't

want this thing to progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that this

won't progress so I could get out of bed each day, but I'm all along in

having that hope and I'm now convinced the rest of my life is going to

be a progression of hell and misery, worse than it is right now?

Worse? I'm just so scared right now, I don't want to go through it

anymore. I can live with this thing as it is right now, but if it gets

worse, I just don't think I can. And I just cannot stop the tears from

falling!

Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't know if I shared this with you

but that is an actual phobia for me. A real phobia. I have nightmares

all the time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams are SO real. I wake

up and feel my teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a dream. Yet

everyone here says our teeth will crumble and fall out because fibro.

You have no idea what type of fear that inflicts into me. I am just so

scared right now I just can't face life anymore.

Sometimes I do think it would just be easier to end it all now rather

than go through another day of this, when it is just going to get worse

and worse.

I feel as if I have lost the will to live.

Where there is no hope, there is only sadness.

And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

forward, because today I just want to give up.

I just can't get worse, I just can't! I don't think I can tolerate life

if this thing is going to get worse.

I have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and bad,

worse and better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting hope

back, going through denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on. But I

got to a point where I was very happy and filled with hope for the future.

My hope is gone. And I don't know how I can get that back.

I am going to leave the group because I don't think I have anything more

to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for others, but

I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.

--

[Guest guest]

Melody,

I read your post and your fears and I guess we all live with fear of

one kind or another. Whether fibro in fact progresses or not is a

question that none of us can actually answer, Myself it is about the

same as when I was first dx in the early 90's, then I could not get

out of the bed and I would actually crawl to the bathroom only when I

had to. Now I work part-time, I walk on the beach and do what I can

when I can. I may pay tomorrow for what I do today, but I do it even

thou I know I will pay sometimes dearly but I make myself keep going.

Just remember don't let your spirit die or you will. Maybe not

physically but your spirit will and that is what gives us our

willpower. And as for your teeth I think different meds cause that to

occur, my teeth have always been strong, I do have a partial but it

is caused by a wreck that I was in and had nothing to do with fibro.

I still open things with my teeth and I am 57 yrs young, I am like

fine wine I am getting better with time!!!!!

So Melody don't worry about what is going to happen next week, next

month or next year. One step at a time and one day at a time.

- In Fibromyalgia_Support_Group , Melody

wrote:

>

> ***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that

everyone's fibro is different and for those that have fibro in a

lesser degree than we do when it comes to intensity let's cheer them

on and be glad that they can work, etc. They need that kind of

support too. ***

>

>

> One of the things that has gotten me through this monster each day

for

> the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it would not

progress.

> When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid and I

quit

> going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and

refused

> to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what

more

> could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with

it and

> I'll just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my

neck

> issues. Ah, I'll just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice

a

> year I'd flare and start wondering if I had something awful and

deadly,

> but the flare would subside and I would carry on.

>

> Years go by and those commercials came out, suddenly people around

me

> are more understanding and I can freely talk about this thing

without

> sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the suffering is less. I

gave my

> life to God and was baptized into a church on December 2, and I

pray and

> meditate as often as I can, and try to hold onto hope that 'this

will

> not progress.'

> Yet there is the daily pain. How can one have any hope when living

in

> daily pain? Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would not

> progress.' All the research I've done said so, everyone told me

so, and

> that is what got me out of bed on a daily basis. That and my

faith.

> But then I came here.

>

> I joined this group during a really bad, long flare, hoping to find

some

> hope, some support, friendship, and some others 'like me' who need

to

> vent out our frustrations with this daily pain. But there is no

hope.

> None. My hope has gone out the window. I have no hope anymore, I

lost

> that and there is no reason to have any hope anymore. Because the

> majority tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on

> living then? I gave up the will to live when I first started

suffering

> with this in 1995, and I hoped to die every single day. My faith

tells

> me that suicide is murder so I could not take my life then nor

could I

> ever, but I cried to my husband every day that I just wanted to

die.

> And I meant it. Then I poured my life into God and tried to find a

way

> to cope with this hell on earth. It did help my spirit a bit.

> Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and

discovered 'this

> would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope!

Hope

> that I no longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that

> time. A tiny teensy glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still

hang

> onto my hope that if I keep doing what my body likes, what works

for my

> own individual body, that mine will not progress. I look to my

mother

> who is always smiling and shining. I look to my sister who suffers

> tremendously but is so strong. I want to be like them - they

inspire me

> to move forward, and those two women are another reason I could

never

> take my life back then.

> But some days it's so bad I lose my hope. So I remind myself day

in and

> day out that tomorrow will be better, and this will not progress.

Yet

> you all have done a darn good job of convincing me that this will

> progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot imagine any

pain

> worse than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting WORSE

and

> my ibs and my GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just

going to

> get worse and worse and worse - well I just don't see any point in

> getting out of bed anymore at all. I see no point in living or

having

> any hope anymore at all. I cannot even imagine it worse than it

already

> is, how in the world can I hurt more than today? Yet many here

insist

> it'll happen and my future suddenly looks so dark and dreary and

not

> worth living for.

> The fear that it will get worse just makes me want to end it right

now.

> I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long gone.

>

> I tried to share some hope but it only made people think I was

talking

> about them and their fibro, no I was talking about my own

individual

> fibro that is my own. I wanted to help lift at least one person

up, but

> I don't think I succeeded. I lost not only hope for my future, but

hope

> for myself to bring light into someones life.

> I am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I only share

what I

> do and what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I have no

more

> hope. I have nothing to look forward to if this is just going to

get worse.

>

> Maybe I'm living a fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked

> believing that it wasn't going to get worse. Even if it is true or

even

> if it isn't true, I liked believing that because it gave me a

little

> glimmer of hope on a horribly painful depressing miserable day when

I

> cannot stop crying. It gave me enough hope to get out of bed in

the

> morning, on the days when I would wake up in so much pain that I

would

> just lie there for an hour watching tv before I could muster up the

> motivation to get out of bed.

> How can I smile when there is no hope for the future or no relief

in

> sight, ever? I used to cry because I realized this is how I'm

going to

> feel for the rest of my life, but now I cry because today will feel

like

> a picnic compared to five years from now, ten years from now,

twenty

> years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain now. Today.

How

> can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare it!

> This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling

my

> leg? I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given

the

> worst news in the world, and I tried to be in denial because I

don't

> want this thing to progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that

this

> won't progress so I could get out of bed each day, but I'm all

along in

> having that hope and I'm now convinced the rest of my life is going

to

> be a progression of hell and misery, worse than it is right now?

> Worse? I'm just so scared right now, I don't want to go through it

> anymore. I can live with this thing as it is right now, but if it

gets

> worse, I just don't think I can. And I just cannot stop the tears

from

> falling!

>

> Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't know if I shared this with

you

> but that is an actual phobia for me. A real phobia. I have

nightmares

> all the time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams are SO real. I

wake

> up and feel my teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a dream.

Yet

> everyone here says our teeth will crumble and fall out because

fibro.

> You have no idea what type of fear that inflicts into me. I am

just so

> scared right now I just can't face life anymore.

>

> Sometimes I do think it would just be easier to end it all now

rather

> than go through another day of this, when it is just going to get

worse

> and worse.

> I feel as if I have lost the will to live.

> Where there is no hope, there is only sadness.

> And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

> forward, because today I just want to give up.

> I just can't get worse, I just can't! I don't think I can tolerate

life

> if this thing is going to get worse.

> I have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and

bad,

> worse and better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting

hope

> back, going through denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on.

But I

> got to a point where I was very happy and filled with hope for the

future.

> My hope is gone. And I don't know how I can get that back.

>

> I am going to leave the group because I don't think I have anything

more

> to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for others,

but

> I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.

>

>

> --

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Marchelle: Wow!!! I'm new here. I completely understand all your

feelings. I'm crying tears for you all. I was diag. with RA at age six.

I have been on meds every since then. People look at me and don't think

that I'm in pain. Doctors don't look at me. However, I must keep

fighting. I'm 37 with two young adults 21 and 19. My 19 year old

(daughter) is showing signs.

I hope this mood passes. I came to bring you hope and to receive hope.

I hope the co-owner doesn't leave yet. We have only just begun. I look

foorward to lending some encouraging words. Yet, today I feel just as

you do; I wouldn't trade this day with my worst enemy (I pray not to

have any).

My mother is a sufferer and my grandmother. I believe we suffer from

borh RA and FM. My grandmother is 82 and my mother is 67. They are both

walking without assistance and still " move " and lend their time to

others (all while in pain). I on the other hand am so exhausted from

working (which is stressful) and going to school.

My encouraging word for today... " give time a chance. " Living in

Michigan with this tormented weather pattern, I feel pain free in 9

degree weather. Strange. So, I've had two days this winter that I've

actually have felt great. I live for more days like that.

So long. I'll pray for you and me to have a lasting friendship.

>

> Your email has helped me. I feel much the same way, and often. I

could

> never admit that to friends or family.

[Guest guest]

Thanks hon, I did.

And I've always been an empath in life. Most will never believe it, but

I do feel what others feel sometimes. I've had to train myself not to

over the years.

I often know what is going on with my sister before anyone tells me,

this has been going on since she moved out of our childhood home. When

she was attacked by the dog, I was having excruciating pains in my legs

for no reason. I only found out later about her being severely mauled.

I also had unexplained pains in my abdomen and went to the doc, or the

naval hospital as I was married to my ex at the time. They did every

test and found nothing. Later my sister found out she had a grapefruit

sized tumor in her uterus.

I've started doing this with my closest friends over the years, and

sometimes I'll be sitting there and get hit with a 'feeling,' then I'll

stop and ask 'who.' Then I'll realize which friend is in trouble, send

an email asking, and they reply saying " omg how did you know! You won't

believe it but this and that and this and that happened. "

It's been like that my whole life. One year my friend was going through

a divorce and I was picking up every emotion, I called her and compared

notes and everything I was feeling coincided exactly with hers. I said

quit it! LOL But that made me so sick and I had to start meditating hard

and asking above to please let me know what is going on with them but I

don't want to feel what they are feeling! Every time I get that way

again, I have to try and push it away.

I knew my friend was pregnant last summer, she was in the hospital and I

was talking to her boyfriend and I said she's pregnant right? He said

how do you know. I said because I just do. I explained this knowing

thing, and told him I didn't like it sometimes. Well when he visited my

friend in the hospital he told her he was talking to me. She said 'you

didn't tell her I was pregnant did you?' He said " No, she told ME you

were pregnant. " Later she said " I wish you'd told me, I had no idea! "

I felt it but denied it, dismissed it because I felt like " Oh Melody

you're crazy, she can't possibly be pregnant. " I need not doubt myself

so much.

So why I lost hope was not because of empathy though. It was because I

felt like my testimony saying my fibro has not progressed upset others

who had progressed and I felt like I was being told " Oh yes it does "

over and over again. I know I was in a VERY BAD fog last week and

completely misunderstood just about everything I read, which is why I'm

just now getting to some of these posts. But that day I freaked out, I

woke up groggy and fatigued, feeling sore and stiff, lousy, grumpy,

blue, mopey, typical fibro day right? Then I come on here and was

reading all the testimonies on how 'yes it DOES progress' and here I am

the only one amongst us who hasn't. So of course I was hit with a

day-long panic attack like thing, or I like to call 'negative' attack,

where you feel the universe just attacks you with all negative thoughts

and feelings, and your light goes away.

When this happens, I have to meditate and pray, put white light around

me, and I asked for hope. I got that hope. I took a day away from the

computer and cried to the hubby, talked things over with him, and then

we enjoyed a good night of television.

Got a good night's sleep, woke up Friday feeling refreshed and renewed.

I don't usually share with others when I get an 'attack' like that, I

usually just go off and keep to myself. I haven't had one that bad in a

year and a half. But things are definitely better this week. I'm going

back to the one day at a time thing.

Thank you again for your support!

Hugs,

Melody

Charity wrote:

> -oh honey, you've got to read this one. don't dare get hung up on the

> 1st 2 paragraphs, read it all the way through please!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> And I've always been an empath in life. Most will never believe

> it, but

> I do feel what others feel sometimes. I've had to train myself not to

> over the years.

I think that this is very, very important for you.

I have a kind of weird theory about love, and energy. I think that

love/energy (same thing?) is a force that is supposed to flow from

person to person. YMMV, this is probably totally screwy, take it

with a large saltshaker, result of too much caffeine, the gerbil in

my head has been on the treadmill too long, etc. etc.

There are people who the energy flows into, and flows back out into

the next person. This is as it should be. They're balanced, neither

running on a deficit, nor keeping it selfishly to themselves.

There are people who the energy flows into, and they keep it. That

means that the people around them are starved of this force/love/

energy that should go to them.

There are people who the energy bounces off of. They're also

starved. They don't know how to take it in.

There are people who it flows into, and it flows out, along with any

that they may have stored up. They will eventually run on a deficit.

There are people who don't get enough coming in, but put out the the

normal amount anyway. They'll also eventually run into a deficit.

There are people who suck all of the energy from everyone around them

and keep it.

I've noticed, especially with moms, that they often are putting out

without receiving enough in return. It's important for people with

high output to find ways of being nurtured and receiving, and not

always giving. For example, taking care of kids and hubby, working,

and then on Sunday teaching Sunday School and being in charge of

this, that, and the other thing at school is probably too much.

There has to be a place where Mom is sitting and taking in some

nurturing.

I remember a time in my life when I was very, very lonely and very,

very needy. I figured out that in order to maintain contact with

people, I had to put aside my neediness and begin to relate to people

without asking anything of them. It was difficult especially at

first, because I was running on a severe deficit, but I could not

give into the temptation to pull from other people, because then I

would lose them as they became depleted. Sounds weird, but I know

what I mean. ;D As I slowly built up friendships based on

friendship, not need, I found that I *could* ask of people, but I try

to be very careful about it. I also found that people were

unfailingly generous. And some people, I absolutely will not ask

things of; they're putting out too much as it is and I want to be one

person who doesn't take from them.

Melody, your " white light " thing is important. It's important that

you find ways, through visualization, imagery, or whatever, to put up

a shield (remember the Colgate " Gardol Shield " ?) around yourself to

prevent yourself from being depleted. Maybe for some of us, the

" progression " of this illness is that we become so severely depleted

in love, energy, whatever, that we have a harder time making it

through the bad days.

Z

[Guest guest]

I think this is a very interesting philosphy, makes total sense to me.

Jeanne in WI

> I have a kind of weird theory about love, and energy. I think that

> love/energy (same thing?) is a force that is supposed to flow from person

> to person. YMMV, this is probably totally screwy, take it with a large

> saltshaker, result of too much caffeine, the gerbil in my head has been

> on the treadmill too long, etc. etc.

>

> There are people who the energy flows into, and flows back out into the

> next person. This is as it should be. They're balanced, neither running

> on a deficit, nor keeping it selfishly to themselves.

>

> There are people who the energy flows into, and they keep it. That means

> that the people around them are starved of this force/love/energy that

> should go to them.

>

> There are people who the energy bounces off of. They're also starved.

> They don't know how to take it in.

>

> There are people who it flows into, and it flows out, along with any that

> they may have stored up. They will eventually run on a deficit.

>

> There are people who don't get enough coming in, but put out the the

> normal amount anyway. They'll also eventually run into a deficit.

>

> There are people who suck all of the energy from everyone around them and

> keep it.

>

> I've noticed, especially with moms, that they often are putting out

> without receiving enough in return. It's important for people with high

> output to find ways of being nurtured and receiving, and not always

> giving. For example, taking care of kids and hubby, working,

and then on Sunday teaching Sunday School and being in charge of this,

that, and the other thing at school is probably too much. There has to be a

place where Mom is sitting and taking in some nurturing.

>

> I remember a time in my life when I was very, very lonely and very, very

> needy. I figured out that in order to maintain contact with people, I

> had to put aside my neediness and begin to relate to people without asking

> anything of them. It was difficult especially at

first, because I was running on a severe deficit, but I could not give into

the temptation to pull from other people, because then I would lose them as

they became depleted. Sounds weird, but I know what I mean. ;D As I slowly

built up friendships based on friendship, not need, I found that I *could*

ask of people, but I try to be very careful about it. I also found that

people were

unfailingly generous. And some people, I absolutely will not ask things

of; they're putting out too much as it is and I want to be one person who

doesn't take from them.