Delicate Subject/ and Vicki

February 10, 2008

Hi Vicki and ,

What a wonderful post, Vicki. You really have things with this monster pinned

down and I like the way you said it. This too will pass.... is central to my

belief that All things change, Nothing stays stagnant. They change for the

better or for the worse, but wherever you are in this life right now won't be

where you are in just a few minutes, much less in a few months or years.

I have been feeling pitiful, like you , and have been telling myself

that things will change as much as I can. I know some circumstance or just my

mind will change and I will be back to my optimistic, cheerful, silly self. I

know it's still in there somewhere and your happiness is still in there

too. I've just lost it for a little while, as have you.

There were several times in my life when I lost sight of the knowledge of

change and I thought I would be down in the pit, as I call it, forever. Those

were the times I seriously considered leaving this wonderful world, because I

thought everyone would be better off without me. It seemed to me in those bleak

times that all I did was make people worry and do for me, because I seemed to

just go from one bad thing to another.

Well, it may be peculiar, but I don't go that far down anymore. I still seem

to go from one bad thing to another; but I'm able to convince myself through

making myself read something or listen to someone that the people in my life

would not be better off without me, no matter how much trouble I am to them. My

brother took his own life when I was a senior in high school for the same reason

I was considering, and none of us was better off, so you would think I would

know better, but it took a long time and lots of therapy to let go of that as an

option in my life. I also learned that it is a minority of people who actually

consider that an option and I was surprised, because before that point in my

life it had always been one of the options I thought I could choose. It

flabbergasted me that so many people had never even had the thought. I don't

know if it's genes, some say it is, or upbringing or whatever else that plants

the seeds for those thoughts, but it has

changed in me. It's good to know I can go down in the pits and know I will

return. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I return.

I am definitely no where near the person I was before the Fibro monster

grabbed me and it took me a very long time to accept that I had no control over

it at this point; that there was no cure only symptomatic relief. I fought the

acceptance and stayed in denial for many years. During those years I was more

depressed than after I came to accept it. Because when I accepted it, I began to

deal with it.

It's because of the loss of that life I lived before that I still go down to

the pit. But it's because of the life I can still live and the fact that I can

still contribute to the lives of others, in a much different way, that I come

back to the light. I still can't work, live alone, have financial problems and

may lose my house soon and don't know where I will go, will lose my insurance am

in pain, am losing my great teeth, stay isolated a lot and see people less and

less. have FMS, CFS, IBS and a lot of other initials and all the other things

that took my other life from me.

But now that I have accepted all of that and have quit denying it, I have

started doing things that I can do in this new life. I do things on line more

and am helping people on line whose children and students have Asperger's

Syndrome and High Functioning Autism and am starting to make a little bit of

money at that. I have started going to the library and to Starbucks to read,

write or do Sudoku so that I am out in the world more. (My son made me.) I am

volunteering again at a homeless shelter I used to work at. These things are

not much and I can't spend much time at them and sometimes when the pain and

fatigue and brain fog are so very intense I want to give it all up. Then I

remember that things change and I can get back to them sometime and don't beat

myself up like I used to because I couldn't just keep going at a steady pace.

Heck I can't clean a room at a steady pace.

There's another saying that I love that is a quote from Maya Angelou.

You did what you knew how to do.

And when you knew better you did better.

I'm learning and I'm sure you will to , how to do it better, from

managing the pain to living life.

I hope you feel better soon,

Blessed be, Marti

vicki wrote:

I am in a bad place right now I'm fighting with myself...

I have had the hardest time accepting this monster, because it means

I will never again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it

was the love of my life, my art. But I am like says only

existing. I kept trying to hold on to the idea that i was going to get

better and go back to my life, and it's been ripping me appart. I

feel like a big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please

don't let me or anyone else get you down.

******

, I feel for you right now. I have been hearing saying it

is like existing, and that is something I have felt too. I think many

of us have been there or are there right now, today.

What helps me is a saying my sisters signs off on all of her

emails...this too will pass. At first I thought little of it, but as

I have read it over and over I am beginning to see the wisdom of those

words if we can let ourselves believe them.

Fibro has these phases for me. Some days I can cope, some days (or

weeks, or months) I can't. The phases have no real rhyme or reason

for me...but they don't stay stagnant. The hard times do pass.

And so, I morn with you for the life that you have lost. But I also

can hope that you find the new life that awaits you living with fibro,

the monster that it is. It is a time to redefine who we are, and what

we can accomplish.

Right now, I'm working. Not by choice, and I think only until I make

too many mistakes, or forget one too many appointments. I see that

could be my future. But in the mean time, I think about what I might

do next. I think about what I might be able to do that is different

from what I'm doing now...not less important or less fulfilling. I

consider what awaits me as a new career that is not as demanding, both

physically and emotionally. I hope that this new career can be as

fulfilling as what I have been doing for the past 24 years have been

and that I will be able to find my new art!

Take care, and keep sharing. I love to hear from everyone.

Vicki

northern MN

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

February 11, 2008

Marti, sending thoughts your way again, I just read this whole thing and

wish I could just give you a hug. You've endured more than most and yet

you are still such a strong fighter. I'm glad you are here in this

group and that I have met you, I do think you are on this planet for a

greater purpose and you bring hope to many.

Hugs,

Melody

Marti Boguski wrote:

> Hi Vicki and ,

> What a wonderful post, Vicki. You really have things with this monster

pinned down and I like the way you said it. This too will pass.... is central

to my belief that All things change, Nothing stays stagnant. They change for

the better or for the worse, but wherever you are in this life right now won't

be where you are in just a few minutes, much less in a few months or years.

>

> I have been feeling pitiful, like you , and have been telling myself

that things will change as much as I can. I know some circumstance or just my

mind will change and I will be back to my optimistic, cheerful, silly self. I

know it's still in there somewhere and your happiness is still in there

too. I've just lost it for a little while, as have you.

>

> There were several times in my life when I lost sight of the knowledge of

change and I thought I would be down in the pit, as I call it, forever. Those

were the times I seriously considered leaving this wonderful world, because I

thought everyone would be better off without me. It seemed to me in those bleak

times that all I did was make people worry and do for me, because I seemed to

just go from one bad thing to another.

>

> Well, it may be peculiar, but I don't go that far down anymore. I still

seem to go from one bad thing to another; but I'm able to convince myself

through making myself read something or listen to someone that the people in my

life would not be better off without me, no matter how much trouble I am to

them. My brother took his own life when I was a senior in high school for the

same reason I was considering, and none of us was better off, so you would think

I would know better, but it took a long time and lots of therapy to let go of

that as an option in my life. I also learned that it is a minority of people

who actually consider that an option and I was surprised, because before that

point in my life it had always been one of the options I thought I could choose.

It flabbergasted me that so many people had never even had the thought. I don't