I'm sorry....and....

[Guest guest]

I can't keep up with all of the posts here! I don't even read them all....and

it makes me feel like a failure! BUT I'm going to set that aside and try to get

what I need and maybe someday I'll be able to contribute as well.

It makes me laugh a little when I think about how pathetic and incapable I feel

in the food/weight loss/weight acceptance arena. I've accomplished so many

things in my life. Lasting weight loss is not one of them. And of course, I

have that all to familiar paradox of wishing I weighed what I weighed when I

wished I weighed less. I'm really only 25 pounds over healthy weight. I need

to accept that's not so bad. But I'm not there yet.

Where do I start? Step 1 - reject diets? Maybe. That's certainly where the

mess all began. I mean, other than being prego and post prego, I've nearly

always been the same weight. Dum dum duuuummmm.....until I HARD CORE dieted. I

lost so much weight and was bad ass tough. It wasn't enough. I NEEDED to lose

5 more pounds. I NEEDED to lift more weights. Honestly, who could blame me? I

was trying to recover from the loss of a baby at nearly 5 months pregnant. I

guess, my body had betrayed me and needed to be whipped into shape. So I did.

Funny, I did great. And then my friend said " I don't know how you can be so

thin the way you eat. " We were eating pizza together and I had several slices.

For some reason, it broke the spell and the weight came back. And then I

started DIET PLANS. I didn't trust myself anymore. I followed meal plans.

Now, when I had lost the weight, I just ate less and tried to get all the good

stuff while keeping calories low...but I still believed I knew how to do it.

Somehow I lost that. That's not to say I was healthy IRT weight and nutrition

in the first place, but it got worse. Soon I was up 20 pounds from my normal

weight. I lost it. I gained it. I lost some. That's where I am again now.

The *funny* part is...when I was thin thin, I hated the little bit of back fat I

had and the way my skin was loose on my belly and the pudge of my upper thighs.

There is no perfect.

Ok. So where am I now? Floundering. I've read most of the book and realize I

feel like it's RULES and I want to REBEL! So maybe I need to start at the

beginning. Step 1. Reject diets.

Do I reject diets? Well, I hate diets. Do I believe that no diet can help me

lose the weight for good? ..... ..... I don't know. I feel like a bad girl.

I'm not eating right so I can't be good....and good = thin. Maybe I need to

ponder on diets for a week before I try anything else...

Sorry for the ramble....

Alyce

[Guest guest]

Alyce,I'm glad you wrote. It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of IE, where you know you can't keep going with dieting, and you BELIEVE there has to be a better way... yet it's hard to trust that intuition. 

That is NORMAL. Also, it sounds like you have been through a terribly hard time with the loss of pregnancy. I can't imagine the pain you must have endured. 

Sometimes dieting is a way to try to regain control when we are having a tough time emotionally... and it sounds like this was all the more so true for you because you felt like your body failed you when you miscarried. What a horrible thing to have to live with. But of course, losing the weight didn't take away the pain, which is why you weren't satisfied no matter how much weight you lost. It sounds like you already know this. 

One thing I would suggest to you is reading Geneen Roth's book, Women, Food, and God. She deals with a lot of the emotional work (working through emotional pain unrelated to dieting, but that often translates into bingeing, dieting, etc) that happens in learning to give up dieting. It sounds like this might be a better place for you to start? I think you are right that more " rules " are not what you need right now!

Also, although " give up dieting " may be step one in the IE book, it doesn't mean that YOU have to start there. Maybe you need to start with " honor your hunger " ... or some other step. Honor your hunger may be, for you and for right now, simply stopping and checking in to ask yourself how hungry you are from time to time. I wouldn't attempt to change any other behavior besides that. With time, it may feel natural to start adjusting your EATING to your hunger levels, but you don't need to start with both. 

My heart aches for you, and I encourage you to consider joining some support groups or finding other resources to support you during this difficult time, if you have not already. Depending on where you are in the process, you may or may not be ready for the task of taking on IE in a more formal way. Rest assured, you will " get there, " wherever " there " is! 

Please let us know how we can support you. All the best to you,AbbyIE since 11/08

 

I can't keep up with all of the posts here! I don't even read them all....and it makes me feel like a failure! BUT I'm going to set that aside and try to get what I need and maybe someday I'll be able to contribute as well.

It makes me laugh a little when I think about how pathetic and incapable I feel in the food/weight loss/weight acceptance arena. I've accomplished so many things in my life. Lasting weight loss is not one of them. And of course, I have that all to familiar paradox of wishing I weighed what I weighed when I wished I weighed less. I'm really only 25 pounds over healthy weight. I need to accept that's not so bad. But I'm not there yet.

Where do I start? Step 1 - reject diets? Maybe. That's certainly where the mess all began. I mean, other than being prego and post prego, I've nearly always been the same weight. Dum dum duuuummmm.....until I HARD CORE dieted. I lost so much weight and was bad ass tough. It wasn't enough. I NEEDED to lose 5 more pounds. I NEEDED to lift more weights. Honestly, who could blame me? I was trying to recover from the loss of a baby at nearly 5 months pregnant. I guess, my body had betrayed me and needed to be whipped into shape. So I did. Funny, I did great. And then my friend said " I don't know how you can be so thin the way you eat. " We were eating pizza together and I had several slices. For some reason, it broke the spell and the weight came back. And then I started DIET PLANS. I didn't trust myself anymore. I followed meal plans. Now, when I had lost the weight, I just ate less and tried to get all the good stuff while keeping calories low...but I still believed I knew how to do it. Somehow I lost that. That's not to say I was healthy IRT weight and nutrition in the first place, but it got worse. Soon I was up 20 pounds from my normal weight. I lost it. I gained it. I lost some. That's where I am again now.

The *funny* part is...when I was thin thin, I hated the little bit of back fat I had and the way my skin was loose on my belly and the pudge of my upper thighs. There is no perfect.

Ok. So where am I now? Floundering. I've read most of the book and realize I feel like it's RULES and I want to REBEL! So maybe I need to start at the beginning. Step 1. Reject diets.

Do I reject diets? Well, I hate diets. Do I believe that no diet can help me lose the weight for good? ..... ..... I don't know. I feel like a bad girl. I'm not eating right so I can't be good....and good = thin. Maybe I need to ponder on diets for a week before I try anything else...

Sorry for the ramble....

Alyce