Re: Marti/Della/ Isaiah

February 12, 2008

Thanks Marti,

No dear you donot ramble on at all. We are understand and help can befound from

all our posts if we just open up ourselves to recieve the words of encouragement

and the thoughts that there are others in the same boat .You are correct the 2

are not related , but at 4 they wouldnot even say anything,but add / high

functioning form of aspergers he wasnt able to be test untill he was 7 years old

the waiting list was that long. I always worked with him on his transitioning

skills, and let him have choices to choose from and tried to keep a daily

routine so that he would feel safe.Now they say bi-polar for the moment. We

shall see what will be next as he has new Drs. and therapist.

I hope you have a great day.May God bless and keep in His hands.Blessings and

health are being sent your way.

Hugs, Della

Delicate Subject/ and Vicki

Hi Vicki and ,

What a wonderful post, Vicki. You really have things with this monster pinned

down and I like the way you said it. This too will pass.... is central to my

belief that All things change, Nothing stays stagnant. They change for the

better or for the worse, but wherever you are in this life right now won't be

where you are in just a few minutes, much less in a few months or years.

I have been feeling pitiful, like you , and have been telling myself that

things will change as much as I can. I know some circumstance or just my mind

will change and I will be back to my optimistic, cheerful, silly self. I know

it's still in there somewhere and your happiness is still in there too.

I've just lost it for a little while, as have you.

There were several times in my life when I lost sight of the knowledge of change

and I thought I would be down in the pit, as I call it, forever. Those were the

times I seriously considered leaving this wonderful world, because I thought

everyone would be better off without me. It seemed to me in those bleak times

that all I did was make people worry and do for me, because I seemed to just go

from one bad thing to another.

Well, it may be peculiar, but I don't go that far down anymore. I still seem to

go from one bad thing to another; but I'm able to convince myself through making

myself read something or listen to someone that the people in my life would not

be better off without me, no matter how much trouble I am to them. My brother

took his own life when I was a senior in high school for the same reason I was

considering, and none of us was better off, so you would think I would know

better, but it took a long time and lots of therapy to let go of that as an

option in my life. I also learned that it is a minority of people who actually

consider that an option and I was surprised, because before that point in my

life it had always been one of the options I thought I could choose. It

flabbergasted me that so many people had never even had the thought. I don't

know if it's genes, some say it is, or upbringing or whatever else that plants

the seeds for those thoughts, but

it has

changed in me. It's good to know I can go down in the pits and know I will

return. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I return.

I am definitely no where near the person I was before the Fibro monster grabbed

me and it took me a very long time to accept that I had no control over it at

this point; that there was no cure only symptomatic relief. I fought the

acceptance and stayed in denial for many years. During those years I was more

depressed than after I came to accept it. Because when I accepted it, I began to

deal with it.

It's because of the loss of that life I lived before that I still go down to the

pit. But it's because of the life I can still live and the fact that I can still

contribute to the lives of others, in a much different way, that I come back to

the light. I still can't work, live alone, have financial problems and may lose

my house soon and don't know where I will go, will lose my insurance am in pain,

am losing my great teeth, stay isolated a lot and see people less and less. have

FMS, CFS, IBS and a lot of other initials and all the other things that took my

other life from me.

But now that I have accepted all of that and have quit denying it, I have

started doing things that I can do in this new life. I do things on line more

and am helping people on line whose children and students have Asperger's

Syndrome and High Functioning Autism and am starting to make a little bit of

money at that. I have started going to the library and to Starbucks to read,

write or do Sudoku so that I am out in the world more. (My son made me.) I am

volunteering again at a homeless shelter I used to work at. These things are not

much and I can't spend much time at them and sometimes when the pain and fatigue

and brain fog are so very intense I want to give it all up. Then I remember that

things change and I can get back to them sometime and don't beat myself up like

I used to because I couldn't just keep going at a steady pace. Heck I can't

clean a room at a steady pace.

There's another saying that I love that is a quote from Maya Angelou.

You did what you knew how to do.

And when you knew better you did better.

I'm learning and I'm sure you will to , how to do it better, from

managing the pain to living life.

I hope you feel better soon,

Blessed be, Marti

vicki <evnelsonwildblue (DOT) net> wrote:

I am in a bad place right now I'm fighting with myself...

I have had the hardest time accepting this monster, because it means

I will never again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it

was the love of my life, my art. But I am like says only

existing. I kept trying to hold on to the idea that i was going to get

better and go back to my life, and it's been ripping me appart. I

feel like a big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please

don't let me or anyone else get you down.

******

, I feel for you right now. I have been hearing saying it

is like existing, and that is something I have felt too. I think many

of us have been there or are there right now, today.

What helps me is a saying my sisters signs off on all of her

emails...this too will pass. At first I thought little of it, but as

I have read it over and over I am beginning to see the wisdom of those

words if we can let ourselves believe them.

Fibro has these phases for me. Some days I can cope, some days (or

weeks, or months) I can't. The phases have no real rhyme or reason

for me...but they don't stay stagnant. The hard times do pass.

And so, I morn with you for the life that you have lost. But I also

can hope that you find the new life that awaits you living with fibro,

the monster that it is. It is a time to redefine who we are, and what

we can accomplish.

Right now, I'm working. Not by choice, and I think only until I make

too many mistakes, or forget one too many appointments. I see that

could be my future. But in the mean time, I think about what I might

do next. I think about what I might be able to do that is different

from what I'm doing now...not less important or less fulfilling. I

consider what awaits me as a new career that is not as demanding, both

physically and emotionally. I hope that this new career can be as

fulfilling as what I have been doing for the past 24 years have been

and that I will be able to find my new art!

Take care, and keep sharing. I love to hear from everyone.

Vicki

northern MN

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February 12, 2008

Thank you Della for the well wishes and prayers. They are always welcome and

appreciated.

What a waiting list to be tested! That is a long time. It sounds like you

are doing a great job with him though. He is lucky to have you.

You are such a dear.

Blessed be,

Marti

Della Shepard wrote: