No more hope

[Guest guest]

***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that everyone's fibro is

different and for those that have fibro in a lesser degree than we do when it

comes to intensity let's cheer them on and be glad that they can work, etc.

They need that kind of support too. ***

One of the things that has gotten me through this monster each day for

the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it would not progress.

When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid and I quit

going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and refused

to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what more

could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with it and

I'll just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my neck

issues. Ah, I'll just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice a

year I'd flare and start wondering if I had something awful and deadly,

but the flare would subside and I would carry on.

Years go by and those commercials came out, suddenly people around me

are more understanding and I can freely talk about this thing without

sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the suffering is less. I gave my

life to God and was baptized into a church on December 2, and I pray and

meditate as often as I can, and try to hold onto hope that 'this will

not progress.'

Yet there is the daily pain. How can one have any hope when living in

daily pain? Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would not

progress.' All the research I've done said so, everyone told me so, and

that is what got me out of bed on a daily basis. That and my faith.

But then I came here.

I joined this group during a really bad, long flare, hoping to find some

hope, some support, friendship, and some others 'like me' who need to

vent out our frustrations with this daily pain. But there is no hope.

None. My hope has gone out the window. I have no hope anymore, I lost

that and there is no reason to have any hope anymore. Because the

majority tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on

living then? I gave up the will to live when I first started suffering

with this in 1995, and I hoped to die every single day. My faith tells

me that suicide is murder so I could not take my life then nor could I

ever, but I cried to my husband every day that I just wanted to die.

And I meant it. Then I poured my life into God and tried to find a way

to cope with this hell on earth. It did help my spirit a bit.

Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and discovered 'this

would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope! Hope

that I no longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that

time. A tiny teensy glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still hang

onto my hope that if I keep doing what my body likes, what works for my

own individual body, that mine will not progress. I look to my mother

who is always smiling and shining. I look to my sister who suffers

tremendously but is so strong. I want to be like them - they inspire me

to move forward, and those two women are another reason I could never

take my life back then.

But some days it's so bad I lose my hope. So I remind myself day in and

day out that tomorrow will be better, and this will not progress. Yet

you all have done a darn good job of convincing me that this will

progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot imagine any pain

worse than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting WORSE and

my ibs and my GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just going to

get worse and worse and worse - well I just don't see any point in

getting out of bed anymore at all. I see no point in living or having

any hope anymore at all. I cannot even imagine it worse than it already

is, how in the world can I hurt more than today? Yet many here insist

it'll happen and my future suddenly looks so dark and dreary and not

worth living for.

The fear that it will get worse just makes me want to end it right now.

I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long gone.

I tried to share some hope but it only made people think I was talking

about them and their fibro, no I was talking about my own individual

fibro that is my own. I wanted to help lift at least one person up, but

I don't think I succeeded. I lost not only hope for my future, but hope

for myself to bring light into someones life.

I am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I only share what I

do and what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I have no more

hope. I have nothing to look forward to if this is just going to get worse.

Maybe I'm living a fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked

believing that it wasn't going to get worse. Even if it is true or even

if it isn't true, I liked believing that because it gave me a little

glimmer of hope on a horribly painful depressing miserable day when I

cannot stop crying. It gave me enough hope to get out of bed in the

morning, on the days when I would wake up in so much pain that I would

just lie there for an hour watching tv before I could muster up the

motivation to get out of bed.

How can I smile when there is no hope for the future or no relief in

sight, ever? I used to cry because I realized this is how I'm going to

feel for the rest of my life, but now I cry because today will feel like

a picnic compared to five years from now, ten years from now, twenty

years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain now. Today. How

can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare it!

This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling my

leg? I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given the

worst news in the world, and I tried to be in denial because I don't

want this thing to progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that this

won't progress so I could get out of bed each day, but I'm all along in

having that hope and I'm now convinced the rest of my life is going to

be a progression of hell and misery, worse than it is right now?

Worse? I'm just so scared right now, I don't want to go through it

anymore. I can live with this thing as it is right now, but if it gets

worse, I just don't think I can. And I just cannot stop the tears from

falling!

Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't know if I shared this with you

but that is an actual phobia for me. A real phobia. I have nightmares

all the time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams are SO real. I wake

up and feel my teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a dream. Yet

everyone here says our teeth will crumble and fall out because fibro.

You have no idea what type of fear that inflicts into me. I am just so

scared right now I just can't face life anymore.

Sometimes I do think it would just be easier to end it all now rather

than go through another day of this, when it is just going to get worse

and worse.

I feel as if I have lost the will to live.

Where there is no hope, there is only sadness.

And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

forward, because today I just want to give up.

I just can't get worse, I just can't! I don't think I can tolerate life

if this thing is going to get worse.

I have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and bad,

worse and better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting hope

back, going through denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on. But I

got to a point where I was very happy and filled with hope for the future.

My hope is gone. And I don't know how I can get that back.

I am going to leave the group because I don't think I have anything more

to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for others, but

I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.

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