I've been hiding - An update slightly OT

[Guest guest]

Hey guys,

I've been skimming over the msgs and reading some stuff but have had

NO time to respond to anything. I decided that I needed to take a

free moment and let you all know that I am alive and haven't forgotten

about you all.

To the people who responded to the PTSD post--Thank you. That is very

personal information and I'm sure it was not easy to share with a

group of " strangers " . I've been struggling through some PTSD stuff.

Some of it was just life crap that happened and had a huge impact on

my mental status and there is other things deep down that I can't

quite figure out yet. Not sure if there is a past of real hard core

abuse or molestation or not. Either way, I'm confused and I'm sure

that all the emotional strain over the years has taken a major toll on

my body. I agree with what the one person said about us just blocking

things out and pushing ourselves to the point where our poor body says

enough is enough and the damage is done.

I've been in a bit of a mini-depression. All I do is work, drive,

sleep. I have ZERO social life and it is taking a toll. Though it

isn't much better to go out and realize you are STILL alone in a room

full of people (esp. ppl who you know and are " friends " with). Even

if I did want to go be social half the time my body says no way. It

is very disappointing and frustrating that all I can seem to do is the

stuff I NEED to do (i.e. work and household stuff). I know compared

to some people here I'm much better off physically but still... it is

hard. The past few weeks I have actually been so worn down and hurt

so bad I have wanted to get an automated cart at the store. I really

over did it this weekend with grocery and other things. Lord did I

hurt SO BAD yesterday.

Medically things are coming together. The tests I had to make sure I

was o.k. with the breasts were good. That is, there is NO sign of

cancer at all. For those who didn't know I had had a growth on my

right nipple that had to be removed. The results came back that there

was no cancer but b/c it was a rare tumor they wanted to make 200%

sure. I still have to go back and have a bit more removed on the

edges to make sure all the cells are gone but otherwise, no cancer. I

am thankful even though it felt like with everything I went through,

it felt like I did have something wrong. Blood pressure is good.

Pain management is... eh.

The one problem I have had is a sore that now is an open wound on my

right big toe. The foot doctor thought that maybe I had Raynaud's. I

got a vascular test and my toes seem to respond to cold like Raynaud's

and it acts like Raynaud's it isn't Raynaud's. My big vessels are

good but my small ones are damaged. I'm seeing a vascular doctor

today about all this. I've been in miserable nerve pain in that toe

for about a month. It is a bit better now that there is an open wound

compared to when it was just a purple spot under the skin. I hope

they can do something so that I won't have to suffer through this ever

again.

No, I don't have diabetes. I was asked 100 times. My wound is a lot

like it but the difference is that I have pain whereas diabetics would

not.

So, I've been busy, trying to do what I have to do and trying to

survive. Sorry that I've been so quite. Probably just unloaded more

than you all wanted to know about me. *LOL*

Be well,

~ aka Alannakitty