RE: What would YOU have done?

[Guest guest]

Oh, Penny, probably what you did. Unless I didn't have the time for some

reason. I am pretty indulgent, if it is possible. But I do think that

people should clean up their own trash!

Salli

[Guest guest]

> It depends on the extent of the meltdown that would have occurred, but I

> probably would have just told mine that they either eat at this other

table

> or we leave. I think the boys might be a little more flexible than Jacqui

> is at this stage though.

Well, yes, you have to know your own kids. Putter has surprised me with his

flexibility sometimes and then other times, well, not.

Salli

[Guest guest]

> Penny not to sound like I am a bad mom, But I have been told I am.

use

> to do this to me and I would leave. Just walk out with him screaming and

> crying and hitting. I would put him in the back of the van in a seat belt

> and drive home. Then I would put him in his room has soon has we got home.

Well, I have done all of this too! It just depends.

But certainly you are not a bad mom, Lori!

Salli

[Guest guest]

> Sara I am sorry, I am not trying to cause a debate here. You are right and

> from know I won't make any comments.

Please make comments, Lori!

I know that every child is different

> and I do not tell people how to raise their children. I just tell how and

> what I would do with mine.

> And no I do not force anything on my child.

>

Didn't think you did, but and Mikey are very different ages! And you

do things differently with different ages as we all know.

Salli

[Guest guest]

Bleech! You dont want to know what I would have done.

Jacquie H

What would YOU have done?

I took Jacqui to the Luxor this afternoon to buy tickets for dh to see Star

Wars II at the IMAX theater there...(bad news was tonite is the last night,

only show, 10:45pm)...needless to say, I didn't buy the tickets.

They have an arcade there, but I REALLY wasn't up for that...It's dark and

loud and I just wasn't interested. I bribed Jacqui with something from

Mc's since she had been so patient.

We got our food and headed for a table. She had her eye on a particular one,

and unfortunately someone sat at it before she could get to it. *sigh*.

She cried. She pouted. She got angry.

I stayed VERY calm. I explained I just couldn't get up and ask those people

to leave their seats!

She said " Can we wait? "

Oh brother. Fine. So we sat at a different table and literally WAITED until

the people were done. We just sat there. She didn't eat. She just kept

glancing at the couple...I know if she were a little older and a little more

bold she would've gotten up and asked them when the heck they were going to

be done!

Finally...they left. She got up and sat down. The couple had left all of

their trash on the table. THIS is quite unacceptable...Nothing can be left

from a previous meal on a table, ESPECIALLY if it's been eaten by other

people. So I had to clean up other people's trash.

Nice.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty much a bust too.

So, what would YOU have done?

Penny

Generosity begins with our recognition of our debt to others. - Master

Hsing Yun

[Guest guest]

> So, what would YOU have done?

I would have gotten it to go.

But it sounds like you were extremely patient with her, and that is always a

good thing!

I'm sorry you had a rough day.

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

Funny Jacquie I was going to say the same thing.

Lori

-- Re: What would YOU have done?

Bleech! You dont want to know what I would have done.

Jacquie H

What would YOU have done?

I took Jacqui to the Luxor this afternoon to buy tickets for dh to see Star

Wars II at the IMAX theater there...(bad news was tonite is the last night,

only show, 10:45pm)...needless to say, I didn't buy the tickets.

They have an arcade there, but I REALLY wasn't up for that...It's dark and

loud and I just wasn't interested. I bribed Jacqui with something from

Mc's since she had been so patient.

We got our food and headed for a table. She had her eye on a particular one,

and unfortunately someone sat at it before she could get to it. *sigh*.

She cried. She pouted. She got angry.

I stayed VERY calm. I explained I just couldn't get up and ask those people

to leave their seats!

She said " Can we wait? "

Oh brother. Fine. So we sat at a different table and literally WAITED until

the people were done. We just sat there. She didn't eat. She just kept

glancing at the couple...I know if she were a little older and a little more

bold she would've gotten up and asked them when the heck they were going to

be done!

Finally...they left. She got up and sat down. The couple had left all of

their trash on the table. THIS is quite unacceptable...Nothing can be left

from a previous meal on a table, ESPECIALLY if it's been eaten by other

people. So I had to clean up other people's trash.

Nice.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty much a bust too.

So, what would YOU have done?

Penny

Generosity begins with our recognition of our debt to others. - Master

Hsing Yun

[Guest guest]

It depends on the extent of the meltdown that would have occurred, but I

probably would have just told mine that they either eat at this other table

or we leave. I think the boys might be a little more flexible than Jacqui

is at this stage though.

Sue

[Guest guest]

LOL

Jacquie H

What would YOU have done?

I took Jacqui to the Luxor this afternoon to buy tickets for dh to see Star

Wars II at the IMAX theater there...(bad news was tonite is the last night,

only show, 10:45pm)...needless to say, I didn't buy the tickets.

They have an arcade there, but I REALLY wasn't up for that...It's dark and

loud and I just wasn't interested. I bribed Jacqui with something from

Mc's since she had been so patient.

We got our food and headed for a table. She had her eye on a particular one,

and unfortunately someone sat at it before she could get to it. *sigh*.

She cried. She pouted. She got angry.

I stayed VERY calm. I explained I just couldn't get up and ask those people

to leave their seats!

She said " Can we wait? "

Oh brother. Fine. So we sat at a different table and literally WAITED until

the people were done. We just sat there. She didn't eat. She just kept

glancing at the couple...I know if she were a little older and a little more

bold she would've gotten up and asked them when the heck they were going to

be done!

Finally...they left. She got up and sat down. The couple had left all of

their trash on the table. THIS is quite unacceptable...Nothing can be left

from a previous meal on a table, ESPECIALLY if it's been eaten by other

people. So I had to clean up other people's trash.

Nice.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty much a bust too.

So, what would YOU have done?

Penny

Generosity begins with our recognition of our debt to others. - Master

Hsing Yun

[Guest guest]

Penny,

We've had to do the same thing, but luckily we could tell they were almost

done, the other time when the hostess was seating us, the table he needed

was open, so we asked for it. In a case like yours, I probably would have

asked them if they'd mind moving and explain the situation. If they had

just sat down, they probably wouldn't have minded.

I'm super proud of how calm you stayed though. Not sure I could have.

ellen

What would YOU have done?

I took Jacqui to the Luxor this afternoon to buy tickets for dh to see

Star

Wars II at the IMAX theater there...(bad news was tonite is the last

night,

only show, 10:45pm)...needless to say, I didn't buy the tickets.

They have an arcade there, but I REALLY wasn't up for that...It's dark and

loud and I just wasn't interested. I bribed Jacqui with something from

Mc's since she had been so patient.

We got our food and headed for a table. She had her eye on a particular

one,

and unfortunately someone sat at it before she could get to it. *sigh*.

She cried. She pouted. She got angry.

I stayed VERY calm. I explained I just couldn't get up and ask those

people

to leave their seats!

She said " Can we wait? "

Oh brother. Fine. So we sat at a different table and literally WAITED

until

the people were done. We just sat there. She didn't eat. She just kept

glancing at the couple...I know if she were a little older and a little

more

bold she would've gotten up and asked them when the heck they were going

to

be done!

Finally...they left. She got up and sat down. The couple had left all of

their trash on the table. THIS is quite unacceptable...Nothing can be left

from a previous meal on a table, ESPECIALLY if it's been eaten by other

people. So I had to clean up other people's trash.

Nice.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty much a bust too.

So, what would YOU have done?

Penny

Generosity begins with our recognition of our debt to others. - Master

Hsing Yun

[Guest guest]

don't kick yourself in the ass for that one jacquie. i tend to be fairly

intolerant with rowan's behaviour if it seems unreasonable. certainly if

sebastian (NT) made such a request i would tell him to forget it and don't

be ridiculous. i think rowan " deserves " the same treatment. i just think if

it is a behaviour i see as unreasonable allowing it sends a message to rowan

that his behaviour and demands are reasonble and acceptable- that's not

doing him any favours. now, that having been said a crying public meltdown

can certainly bring me to my breaking point and i can certainly understand

caving at that point. somedays i think it's a major achievement just taking

our kids out to a restaurant or a movie and making it back with your sanity

intact!! michelle mg

>

>Reply-To: parenting_autism

>To: <parenting_autism >

>Subject: Re: What would YOU have done?

>Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 21:16:51 -0600

>

>

>I would NOT have been as patient as you.

>

>I would've told that we either sat at the other table and ate, or we'd

>leave. Period. And I'd have dragged him out kicking and screaming if he'd

>demanded otherwise.

>

>I think you did the RIGHT thing. You did the thing I wish I'd have the

>patience and forebearance to do.

>

>Jacquie

>-the intolerant

>

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[Guest guest]

For me I find being intolerant can help the kids fit in better. Who else is

going to teach them to fit in? Who else will deal with their crap while we teach

them how to accept things? While it isnt always the right time or right place I

do make my kids deal with alot of stuff they dont like and find not wanting to

listen to them whine and tantrum fine. But their are times that I know we are

going to have trouble and we dont even go there.......LOL

] Jacquie H

Re: What would YOU have done?

I would NOT have been as patient as you.

I would've told that we either sat at the other table and ate, or we'd

leave. Period. And I'd have dragged him out kicking and screaming if he'd

demanded otherwise.

I think you did the RIGHT thing. You did the thing I wish I'd have the

patience and forebearance to do.

Jacquie

-the intolerant

[Guest guest]

YES I DO!

Seriously....It's getting so I don't know what to do anymore...

Penny

Re: What would YOU have done?

Bleech! You dont want to know what I would have done.

Jacquie H

[Guest guest]

What would you have done, Lori?

Penny

Re: What would YOU have done?

Funny Jacquie I was going to say the same thing.

Lori

[Guest guest]

I considered just taking it and leaving, (it was to go...it's a mcdonald's

inside a casino, so....) but then she'd have to eat in the car...and we

don't eat in the car.

She wouldn't have any of that anyhow.

As far as the patience...I have no choice anymore...but all I wanted to do

on the way home was cry....

Penny

Thanks though..I REALLY do want to hear all opinions!

RE: What would YOU have done?

> So, what would YOU have done?

I would have gotten it to go.

But it sounds like you were extremely patient with her, and that is always a

good thing!

I'm sorry you had a rough day.

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

Penny not to sound like I am a bad mom, But I have been told I am. use

to do this to me and I would leave. Just walk out with him screaming and

crying and hitting. I would put him in the back of the van in a seat belt

and drive home. Then I would put him in his room has soon has we got home. I

did things like this for 2 years. Know we very seldomly have meltdowns out

in restaurants. The only time he has meltdowns is if it is crowded. Then I

will do what he needs to be done leave.

Although there is one restaurant here that have really scary pictures that I

will not go back to.

I am sure that is not that bad but I have been told that I am to hard on

when it comes to things that does wants his own way with.

Lori

-- Re: What would YOU have done?

Funny Jacquie I was going to say the same thing.

Lori

[Guest guest]

i don't think that sounds too harsh at all lori!

michelle mg

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[Guest guest]

Ok. I would have just picked a booth and sat down and ate my lunch. I would have

told Greggory (as I am assuming that Greggory is more like Jacqui than Alec)

that sometimes we dont get what we want and that is just the way it will have to

be. He would probably get upset and tell me that he didnt want to eat. And I

would say fine, its your choice. He would whine and whimper or maybe cry and

possibly fit. But I would tell him to stop. Jeff would throw away his food and I

would roll my eyes. We would get up and leave.

Jacquie H

RE: What would YOU have done?

> So, what would YOU have done?

I would have gotten it to go.

But it sounds like you were extremely patient with her, and that is always a

good thing!

I'm sorry you had a rough day.

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

Why on earth would that make you a bad mom? Thats what I would have done. I

guess we can be bad moms together.

Jacquie H

Re: What would YOU have done?

Funny Jacquie I was going to say the same thing.

Lori

[Guest guest]

I have been told by so many people that I am way to hard on , I am very

strict with . When I say no I maen no and there is no ifs ands buts

about it.

Terry's parents never know how to tell me that I need to let him be himself.

When his mother died this is when Terry told me this stuff.

I do not let do anything that is inapropate. And if he does he does get

punished for it.

Right know I am having a hard time with dumping his milk on his meals.

I make him eat them even if they are soggy. This has been going on for 2

weeks. Tonight was the first time he did not dump his milk.

Lori

-- Re: What would YOU have done?

Why on earth would that make you a bad mom? Thats what I would have done. I

guess we can be bad moms together.

Jacquie H

Re: What would YOU have done?

Funny Jacquie I was going to say the same thing.

Lori

[Guest guest]

I would NOT have been as patient as you.

I would've told that we either sat at the other table and ate, or we'd

leave. Period. And I'd have dragged him out kicking and screaming if he'd

demanded otherwise.

I think you did the RIGHT thing. You did the thing I wish I'd have the

patience and forebearance to do.

Jacquie

-the intolerant

[Guest guest]

> don't kick yourself in the ass for that one jacquie. i tend to be fairly

> intolerant with rowan's behaviour if it seems unreasonable. certainly if

> sebastian (NT) made such a request i would tell him to forget it

> and don't

> be ridiculous. i think rowan " deserves " the same treatment. i

I absolutely agree with you that we need to teach our children how to behave

reasonably. That all sounds wonderful in theory, but you have to take the

needs of an individual child into account too.

It's one thing to say, oh, I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. My child

must walk calmy beside me in the grocery store and sit down for his meals

and wait until we're all finished before he gets up.

But how do I make it HAPPEN?

I can't. Those are not things he is *capable* of. Those are not reasonable

expecations for my child. Certainly these are things we *work towards.*

They are long-term goals. And in that I do believe I am teaching him to

behave properly. But it's going to take a lot longer than with a typical

child.

Please do not tell me I just need to discipline him more firmly. If you

want to think that to yourself of course you are welcome to do so, but I

really don't need to hear it. Thanks.

Would it be reasonable for Penny to tell Jacquie they were going to sit at

this table and eat their food, or she would go hungry? *I* don't know, and

I sure can't tell Penny.

What if Jacquie refused? How are you supposed to force her to sit down and

eat? Do you throw the food away? Then how do you deal with the behavior of

a hungry Jacquie for the rest of the day? What if she's too big and strong

to physically remove from the restaraunt, and she refuses to go? Was it,

perhaps, better for Jacquie that the trip ended on a positive note, rather

than being dragged kicking and screaming out to the car? Would that have

been a better option for Penny? Would Penny have been happier with the end

results? Would the rest of the day have gone better?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I really don't.

Our kids are all in different places and what is unreasonable behavior

varies with each and every one of them. I don't think you were really

saying otherwise, but I'm tired and this is a sore point for me anyway,

because I have a VERY hard time deciding what is capable of doing if

I push him hard enough, and what I need to let go while remembering he is

autistic.

-Sara the Grouch.

[Guest guest]

>>>>>>>>

when it comes to things that does wants his own way with.

Lori

<<<<<<<<<

See, that's the thing...I don't think she does this stuff to " get her own

way " ...not this kind of thing anyhow...I really think she NEEDS the order..

I dunno.

Penny

[Guest guest]

LOL.

I wasnt even eating....

....and she was very " anxious " ...I don't know how to describe it.

Penny

Re: What would YOU have done?

Ok. I would have just picked a booth and sat down and ate my lunch. I would

have told Greggory (as I am assuming that Greggory is more like Jacqui than

Alec) that sometimes we dont get what we want and that is just the way it

will have to be. He would probably get upset and tell me that he didnt want

to eat. And I would say fine, its your choice. He would whine and whimper

or maybe cry and possibly fit. But I would tell him to stop. Jeff would

throw away his food and I would roll my eyes. We would get up and leave.

Jacquie H

[Guest guest]

> I do not let do anything that is inapropate. And if he does

> he does get

> punished for it.

> Right know I am having a hard time with dumping his milk on

> his meals.

> I make him eat them even if they are soggy. This has been going on for 2

> weeks. Tonight was the first time he did not dump his milk.

Apparently is able to connect his actions with his punishments, and

remember that in future situations, and avoid the action that resulted in

the punishment. I am glad for you. It also sounds like he is able to

understand verbal instructions, as I am sure you are not physically forcing

the soggy food down his throat. Also his sensory integration must be fair,

at least orally, because he can tolerate eating that wet food.

Really, I am glad for you that is doing so well and that you have been

able to solve problems in this way.

But those are not skills all of our children have. Some of them are not

able to understand the link between actions and consequences. Some of them

have very poor receptive language. Some of them have profound sensory

issues that interfere with every aspect of their lives. I feel it is

important to remember that all of our children are very different people,

and important to respect that what works for one child would not work for

another.

-Sara.