RE: No more hope/Melody I have enough HOPE for 2 TODAY ! ! !

[Guest guest]

GOD grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot

change the courage to change the things I canand the wisdom to know the

difference. Amen ! ! !

To: Fibromyalgia_Support_Group@...: melodyanna@...:

Thu, 7 Feb 2008 16:12:05 -0600Subject: No more hope

***Note from Co-Owner: This is just to remind everyone that everyone's fibro is

different and for those that have fibro in a lesser degree than we do when it

comes to intensity let's cheer them on and be glad that they can work, etc. They

need that kind of support too. ***One of the things that has gotten me through

this monster each day for the last 13+ years was the fact that I was told it

would not progress. When I was first diagnosed I thought my doctor was stupid

and I quit going to him, because there is no cure. I went into denial and

refused to 'have that' but continued to suffer in pain. I figured what more

could I do if it's not curable, so I just won't label myself with it and I'll

just pretend. Meanwhile I saw other doctors who treated my neck issues. Ah, I'll

just 'have' that, I told myself. Meanwhile twice a year I'd flare and start

wondering if I had something awful and deadly, but the flare would subside and I

would carry on.Years go by and those commercials came out, suddenly people

around me are more understanding and I can freely talk about this thing without

sounding insane. But that doesn't mean the suffering is less. I gave my life to

God and was baptized into a church on December 2, and I pray and meditate as

often as I can, and try to hold onto hope that 'this will not progress.'Yet

there is the daily pain. How can one have any hope when living in daily pain?

Well my hope came from knowing that 'this would not progress.' All the research

I've done said so, everyone told me so, and that is what got me out of bed on a

daily basis. That and my faith. But then I came here.I joined this group during

a really bad, long flare, hoping to find some hope, some support, friendship,

and some others 'like me' who need to vent out our frustrations with this daily

pain. But there is no hope. None. My hope has gone out the window. I have no

hope anymore, I lost that and there is no reason to have any hope anymore.

Because the majority tells me this will progress, well why should I even go on

living then? I gave up the will to live when I first started suffering with this

in 1995, and I hoped to die every single day. My faith tells me that suicide is

murder so I could not take my life then nor could I ever, but I cried to my

husband every day that I just wanted to die. And I meant it. Then I poured my

life into God and tried to find a way to cope with this hell on earth. It did

help my spirit a bit. Then I did hours upon hours of research every day, and

discovered 'this would not progress' and that gave me a slight glimmer of hope!

Hope that I no longer had, hope that I hadn't had for four years at that time. A

tiny teensy glimmer of hope. So ten years later I still hang onto my hope that

if I keep doing what my body likes, what works for my own individual body, that

mine will not progress. I look to my mother who is always smiling and shining. I

look to my sister who suffers tremendously but is so strong. I want to be like

them - they inspire me to move forward, and those two women are another reason I

could never take my life back then.But some days it's so bad I lose my hope. So

I remind myself day in and day out that tomorrow will be better, and this will

not progress. Yet you all have done a darn good job of convincing me that this

will progress, yes you have me convinced. I just cannot imagine any pain worse

than today! If this pain is just going to keep getting WORSE and my ibs and my

GERD and these god awful sinus problems are just going to get worse and worse

and worse - well I just don't see any point in getting out of bed anymore at

all. I see no point in living or having any hope anymore at all. I cannot even

imagine it worse than it already is, how in the world can I hurt more than

today? Yet many here insist it'll happen and my future suddenly looks so dark

and dreary and not worth living for.The fear that it will get worse just makes

me want to end it right now. I do not have any more hope at all. It's way long

gone.I tried to share some hope but it only made people think I was talking

about them and their fibro, no I was talking about my own individual fibro that

is my own. I wanted to help lift at least one person up, but I don't think I

succeeded. I lost not only hope for my future, but hope for myself to bring

light into someones life.I am not challenging what anyone does or doesn't do, I

only share what I do and what has given me hope, but my hope is long gone. I

have no more hope. I have nothing to look forward to if this is just going to

get worse.Maybe I'm living a fantasy life or in a fantasy world but I liked

believing that it wasn't going to get worse. Even if it is true or even if it

isn't true, I liked believing that because it gave me a little glimmer of hope

on a horribly painful depressing miserable day when I cannot stop crying. It

gave me enough hope to get out of bed in the morning, on the days when I would

wake up in so much pain that I would just lie there for an hour watching tv

before I could muster up the motivation to get out of bed.How can I smile when

there is no hope for the future or no relief in sight, ever? I used to cry

because I realized this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life, but

now I cry because today will feel like a picnic compared to five years from now,

ten years from now, twenty years from now, and that TERRIFIES ME! I'm in pain

now. Today. How can it get worse than this? How? I don't think I can bare

it!This thing is going to get worse? You are serious, and not pulling my leg?

I'm sobbing so hard right now because it's like being given the worst news in

the world, and I tried to be in denial because I don't want this thing to

progress. I wanted to keep telling myself that this won't progress so I could

get out of bed each day, but I'm all along in having that hope and I'm now

convinced the rest of my life is going to be a progression of hell and misery,

worse than it is right now? Worse? I'm just so scared right now, I don't want to

go through it anymore. I can live with this thing as it is right now, but if it

gets worse, I just don't think I can. And I just cannot stop the tears from

falling!Oh and my teeth will fall out. I don't know if I shared this with you

but that is an actual phobia for me. A real phobia. I have nightmares all the

time that my teeth fall out, and the dreams are SO real. I wake up and feel my

teeth in the morning, relieved it was just a dream. Yet everyone here says our

teeth will crumble and fall out because fibro. You have no idea what type of

fear that inflicts into me. I am just so scared right now I just can't face life

anymore.Sometimes I do think it would just be easier to end it all now rather

than go through another day of this, when it is just going to get worse and

worse.I feel as if I have lost the will to live.Where there is no hope, there is

only sadness.And today I need something. Just something to make me want to move

forward, because today I just want to give up.I just can't get worse, I just

can't! I don't think I can tolerate life if this thing is going to get worse.I

have spent 13 years teetering back and forth between good and bad, worse and

better, trying many things and giving up hope, getting hope back, going through

denial, then acceptance oh the list goes on. But I got to a point where I was

very happy and filled with hope for the future. My hope is gone. And I don't

know how I can get that back.I am going to leave the group because I don't think

I have anything more to offer. I wanted to lend some support and offer hope for

others, but I failed miserably and I just can't deal with life anymore.--