Re: Thank you and apologies

[Guest guest]

I still have a hard time accepting it. I don't know if it's denial but

maybe a refusal to accept this is how I'm going to feel forever, I don't

know. I just had to do something to make me have the will to get out of

bed in the morning. I didn't get there overnight and even now I have

days now and then when I just think what is the point.

It sucks, pure and simple, there is no doubt about that. I do want you

to know that I care and I'm thinking of you.

We all have days when we just can't take no more, I'm sure. I know I am

not the only one who hits rock bottom now and then and just cries all

day long. I myself had to find some way to feel positive because when

I'm upset I can't eat. I weigh 110 and when I don't eat I get bone thin

and could die. Ten years ago I got bone thin and was scared I could

die, and there were even days I wanted to die. But one day I said

WAIT! I don't want to die! And something in me changed.

How can I help? I'm here to help, I feel terrible for whatever I did if

it upset you.

wrote:

> Melody I'm sorry I got upset, I am in a bad place right now I'm

> fighting with myself, and it really has nothing to do with you or

> anyone else that's just usually how it pops out. I have had the

> hardest time accepting this monster, because it means I will never

> again be who I was, my job was how I defined myself it was the love

> of my life, my art. The only thing keeping me alive was my boys I

> don't want them to go through the mess of having no parents I'm all

> they have. But I am like says only existing. I kept trying to

> hold on to the idea that i was going to get better and go back to my

> life, and it's been ripping me appart. So I understand what you are

> saying and I agree, I'm just not in the same place you are. I think I

> have to accept it first and then hope for small things. I feel like a

> big crybaby right now so I'm going to go. but please don't let me or

> anyone else get you down.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeanne,

Wow, I certainly hope that my life doesn't anger people. I didn't get

here overnight.

In my past, I endured an abusive first marriage where he used to leave

me pretty bruised up. I've been to hell and back with depression and

self hate, with lay offs, no money, health issues, being sick a LOT,

being extremely under weight to the point of near death I'm sure, and

looking in the mirror and telling that person " you suck, you're a loser,

you're a nobody, nobody loves you. " I've been to the bottom and back.

I feel like I went through that for a reason and that is to help others,

somehow, some way.

I don't want anyone to resent where I am in life, or feel jealous at

all. I hate jealousy, I believe jealousy is an evil thing and it

destroys many relationships. I want people to feel inspired and hope

from my existence. I sometimes tell myself that God has me where I am

so i can help others. Hubby and I both feel that we are here on this

planet to help others that is why we have a good marriage and a good

life together. I don't have much in the way of things. I have a tiny

house, I don't have new clothes, I don't have many pairs of shoes, we

don't go out to eat, we don't buy things much at all, we rarely go to

movies, we are a boring ol married couple who spend most evenings

watching tv. Hubby is the one who inspired me to see the positive side

of things and the glass half full but you just ask him, I was the

complete opposite when we were first married. I was a mess.

But I do feel we both have a mission in life to help people. I just

tend to go about it the wrong way and I screw up all the time.

If I make a positive difference in one persons life then I know I

accomplished a goal. If I make people angry because my life is what it

is, I am obviously doing something wrong.

I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. A friend handed

me that book in 1997 when I was at my worst and I wanted to throw it at

him and tell him where to shove it. But you see me today and I am a

perfect example of how it works. I just know that ten years ago I would

never believe me if I came up to myself and said it. I'd call myself a

liar, lol. But I do not think I would be alive today if it wasn't for

the power of positive thinking. I know I wouldn't. If you knew me

then, you'd understand.

Melody

Jeanne and Dave wrote:

> Melody - I am way behind the in my messages. I guess I was feeling pretty

> lousy and just didn't have much will or energy to post. I can understand

> why some people might take your enthusiasm the wrong way. But, I also know

> the power of positive thinking. A lot of us, me included, get buried in the

> daily rut of depression and not much of a life to get through every day.

> Then we read about our friend who manages her FM without strong pain meds

> and exercises, remains active, and has a wonderful, supportive husband.

> That can make us angry and it can make us jealous. We want to scream, " Why

> can't it be me? " But alas, it's not. So should we take it out on Melody?

> No, not the right thing to do. If we need to vent about our feelings we

> should, but we can't blame those who have found a way to cope with this

> illness and still have a life. We should all try to change our thinking,

> throw out the negative thoughts, and bring on the positve thoughts. I know

> it's not easy. I don't succeed at it every day myself, that's why I haven't

> been on much the past few days. I really like Judy's Happy Party that she

> started a couple weeks back. We need more of those to help us focus on the

> positives, and less on the negatives. OK, guess that's all for now. Hope I

> haven't misconstrued anything by jumping into the middle of this w/o reading

> all the posts. Love all of you guys, my FM family. Take care.

> Jeanne in WI

>