me

[Guest guest]

I seem to be feeling better each and everyday. Its wonderful. I don't know

how I got to this place, but I'm getting there. I'm in almost no pain. I get

the occasional shooting pain in my head that is extremely agonizing, but it

passes quickly. The only real problem I seem to be having is my dizziness and

blackouts, which are tolerable. My syrinx continues to shrink. Tuesday will

be my 4 month anniversary from my second surgery, and 5 1/2 months from my

first.  

Like I have said before, the last few weeks seem to have been filled with

miracles for me. Since I am feeling so much better, I will be attempting the

ultimate task on Tuesday, returning to school full time. A task which I have

tried many times since my first surgery and have wound up right back in bed.

So the last couple of weeks have been filled with nervousness and

anticipation, I'm like a little kid on Christmas Morning, I'm so excited and

nervous about what is going to happen. I am confident though, that things

will have a much better outcome this time around.

For the first time in this neurological journey of the body and soul, I was

actually thankful for Chiari and Syringomyelia. 2001 was a year filled with

personal, and national tragedies. Since I have been through so much this past

year, everything, from tiny to gigantic, means so much to me. When I wake up

in the morning, I thank God that I'm alive, I'm able to wake up on my own,

I'm not in the hospital, and I can move. It has taken me a good while to

realize all the wonderful things I have to be thankful for.

This last month I felt like a butterfly who was entangled in a spiders web

and finally escaped. A month or so back all I was concentrating on was that I

had been entangled in the web in the first place, instead of working on how

to get out of the web, and learning to appreciate being out, even with the

sticky stuff I got on myself from the web. I finally have gotten to this

place through many hours of thought and prayer. Let me be the first to tell

you, it is a much nicer place to be.

The road to better health is quite a long one. Sometimes I think we all feel

that we are lost, and that we won't ever make it to the end. But I think

something we have to realize is, there is no end. Even when you die it

probably doesn't end, its just another side street, and another chapter in

the novel of our lives.

Try and remember most of your lessons learned come on your way there, and not

when you arrive. These lessons make us who we are. So when the pain and the

stress get so overwhelming that you want to scream, keep the thought in mind,

that because of these troubles you are on your way to being a better person

for it.

Sometimes we all feel that there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. I

know I have, many times. I felt complete desperation, questions charging my

mind; Why me? What's the point of all this? Maybe I'm not supposed to be

here. These questions are challenging to your soul. My faith in God, and in

myself, have been interrogated by these questions many times.

Chronic illness and pain makes every cell in our body question our existence.

I remember saying to myself, a hundred times; No one said it was going to be

like this. I felt like I received the short end of the stick, and it made

very angry. For a long time I stayed angry, all I looked at were the negative

things about my conditions, the things I wasn't able to do, places I couldn't

go, and I blamed my sour disposition on Chiari and Syringomyelia. But that

was my fault. Nothing is responsible for my outlook, and way of life, except

for me.

I never saw the positive side of my diseases. Believe me, there are plenty of

positive things that come along with these conditions. People continuously

apologize to me about my having to go through all these things. For a while,

I simply said thanks, and that was the end of it. Now, I look at them, and

say: Don't be sorry, I'm not. I have a completely different outlook now than

I did three months ago.

I am a much more tolerant person of everyone now. A year or so back, people

who drove really slowly used to bug the heck out of me. Now, it doesn't, I

don't know why they're driving slowly, for all I know they had brain surgery

too.

When I mention to people about my new outlook, they often tell me they feel

enlightened that someone so young has such a mature outlook. Am I more mature

now? Yes, of course, I don't think you can go through something like this,

and come out the same person, no matter what age you are. Illness ages you.

Who knows though, maybe I'll age like good cheese or wine, and come out

better each year.

This is something you have to take with a grain of salt. You learn from it,

take what you've learned, apply it to future challenges and experiences, and

move on. I used to have many fears. Now I have none, as ridiculous as that

sounds, its true.

Of course, I have nervousness about certain aspects of my future life, which

are unknown. But I'm not afraid of my health or anything else that may arise

in my future. Somehow I know everything will work itself out the way its

supposed to. Without everything that has happened in 2001, I don't think this

would be the case. I will be a stronger every second for the rest of my life,

because of the recent events in my life. This is why I am grateful for

Chiari, Syringomyelia, and my complications.

Since I will be going back to school this week, I will probably be less

active in the group, and unable to reply to individual thoughts as often. I

will catch up on the weekends though, I want to be one of the success stories

that continues to help people, in fact I'm going to be. I just want you all

to know that I'm eternally grateful for every single one of you, for the

technical help, but more than anything the support, words can't express what

you all have meant to me. Please remember, that just because I don't post a

lot, doesn't mean that all of you are not constant in my thoughts. You are,

and you are all in my prayers daily.

For those of you who are in the uncertain time before surgery, and deciding

if its right for you. The right answer will come, give it time.

For those who have had surgery and there was either no improvement, or you

progressed further, stay strong, have faith it will all work out, and that

there is a reason you are enduring all this suffering. For those of us who

had surgery, and who are still having minimal problems, that are annoying but

tolerable, I suggest trying something that I started doing a few weeks back.

Everytime I get a little pain, I thank God, because these little pains remind

me of how much I have been, or could be, and remind me to be thankful for

every day, and just to enjoy the present, without forgetting the past.

" Angels Can Fly Because They Take Themselves Lightly... "

Joanna/Atlanta

CM-17mm/SM-C1-T6<---Still there, but shrinking!!!

Decompressed, Duraplasty, Laminectomy-7/27/01

Dura Exploration, Staph infection Cleaning-9/8/01

Allergic to EVERYTHING!! Still having Blackouts, dizziness, etc...But

Headaches are getting Better!!! Doing lots of tests...But still kicking!!!