SHER, I lOVE YOU.....................................SHARING TIME For May too

[Guest guest]

My heart aches for you Sher, I know you are hurting as I have " AND "

am and probably will for the rest of my life.

First of all, I do hope and pray that your son will make it. Second

of all, I have a son who is 53 years old. I have mentioned to May

that someday I would tell her all about the horrific continuous ache

in my heart because of my son's choices. That is what they are,

choices, right? Doesn't mean as parents we approve, but we still

love him, but you know what? The respect is gone forever, and I mean

forever. When my son found out I had breast cancer in 1981, he left

me high and dry, he disappeared from our lives (I was going through a

divorce) (he was 26 and had just gotten out of the Air Force) 4 year

service. I was an Air Force wife for over 20 years in my first

marriage. My son blamed us for divorcing and he couldn't handle it,

couldn't handle my cancer and did not want to accept the facts of

life. I put in a year of chemo and couldn't find him. Day after I

got home from the hospital from the cancer surgery, he called me and

said he never wanted to see me again, and to never try to find him.

Well, let me tell you, he did a good job as it took me 10 years to

find him, I did not know if he was dead or alive or had committed

suicide. (I have never shared this with anyone outside my immediate

family). You guys are a first in this dept. Anyhow, maybe I need to

vent a little. I cried myself to sleep every single night for 10

years, the divorce which I wasn't expecting and the loss of my son,

yes I lost him forever, dead or alive, I did not know. I prayed and

prayed for years, looking at the tv, wanted posters, you name it, on

the streets, in the news, etc. on and on and on. I can not divulge

how I finally found him, but I did, I had the police departments in

every city on the west coast trying to find him. One day I got a

call from the police dept in Woodland CA telling me they had located

my son and that he was to call me as they thought my cancer had

returned and I was going to die and I did not want to die before I

saw him once more. That is pure love for your son, no matter what he

did or didn't do, it is a mother's love which is unconditional

forever. I got a call on my answering machine one night when I got

home from work and it was him. He had moved in with some girl and

said he was teaching her to become a porn star. omg!@!!!!

I paid for a bus trip for him to come to SD as that is where we were

living then, Sioux Falls. Earl was with me as I had already

remarried. My son looked like an old man. He tried to make love to

me when he came home from the service one night and he is a sick

man. I told him I was devastated that he would try that. His father

had left, and he prob. was trying to fill his shoes. yeah right! I

think my son is a sex addict and always has been. I hate telling

this, maybe I should stop.

To cut off some years here, he disappeared again to the Northwest,

Oregon, and again for another 10 years didn't know if he was dead or

alive, no phone, no address, nothing. heartbreaker. Then 2 years

ago, he called one day and said he was moving to Richmond, VA, he

came here on the bus and 2 shirts, 1 pr. slacks and holes in socks

and a sad sad heart. God is Good!!!! A day I thought I would never

see again, all those years of praying paid off. Only in God's time

and His will, will things happen if it is meant to. He stayed at my

daughters home and found a job here in Richmond. Then last Aug, he

came to me one day and said, will I take him to the bus station

tomorrow, as he was moving to Missoula MT. This is just before I

went on the Oxygen. He knew I was going to be sick and need help, so

off he goes, and I still don't hear from him. I know his address in

Missoula but i Respect his privacy. He needs a good kick in the ...

Anyhow, I still pray for him, but I don't cry anymore, no more tears

for my son, but I still love him, no respect, and you CAN seperate

them. He is very sick and I can not help him anymore. He made our

lives here a living hell while he was here and my daughter and I were

afraid of him. He loves guns.

So I think I am happy for him at last in my heart and that he is not

here with our family. I think he is a very private person and a

quiet soul. When he was a baby and a young child, our whole family

was a very close one. My husband then, Italian/Irish, and mine, PA

Dutch/german/French.

Nuff for now. Sorry if I offended anyone, but apparently this was

the time in my long long life that I need you the most, friends of

mine.

Love, Lou