Depression, Yep, I Got It

[Guest guest]

I have a good life, optimistic attitude, God's love and a lifetime of depression. I'm told it is severe depression.. brain chemicals all mixed up.. you can't see it on my face, you can't hear it in my voice... but I got "it". However, I won't let "it" get me!!!

No, I don't hear voices, I function at a 69 year old level (I'll leave that un described) because I am 69 years old.

PILLS.. I presently take 15mg Buspar twice daily, 100 mg Zoloft once daily; 30 mg Cymbalta two at bedtime, 2mg Xanax as needed (usually 1mg at bedtime) and today started on 1mg Respiridone at bedtime. I'm just a chemical wonder, I am!

Twice last year and once already this year I spent 4 or 5 days at what I call "My Resort", ie hospital where I choose my food from a plenteous menu, attend 4 to 5 group sessions a day, lights out at 10pm, private room and private bath and the world locked out (I'm technically locked in). You see, I have suicidal depression and too often life events tempt me to hasten Home to be with My Lord. Now, don't say it!!! I do not believe suicide is a sin... however, I do argue with myself that if I have truly given my life to God, it is not mine to take. I know this in my heart and in my head.. but those chemicals start to boil and I'm trying to choose which of my suicide plans to use.

God has blessed me with good medical help with my condition and I know when to call for help (my room at the Resort). At my age Medicare is good to pay and my secondary health ins. picks up the balance for the Resort. My medication is not too expensive. My health insurance has pretty good prescription coverage. I'm saying this to let you know that I truly am blessed to have such good care.

Ultimately though, it is up to me to know what to do and when.. take my meds, etc. No, I am not in therapy.. I have been..some good, some not so good.. but therapy does not reach the brain chemicals that torment me from time to time. I will tell you outright that I am not ashamed of the depression or the monster IPF. My life is an open book, and I do trust God to use it to some sort of good.

Life brings changes. As I age, the dimensions of my brain chemicals constantly change.. be alert and aware of that fact if you too suffer depression. IPF is a very depressing disease. I'm sure it can sap even a mighty Oak. As you have all said so many times, "be good to yourself". Don't be ashamed, love yourself enough to get help.. and don't give up until you find a doctor or counselor who really understands depression. Getting the wrong kind of help can be VERY DEPRESSING (ha ha.. see, I can even be funny about it)

Today, I start the Risperidone. My husband's death has brought out a very weird behavior in me. Rather than depression, I have become manic. Can't make myself go to bed, polishing doorknobs, terrorizing the weeds in my garden..etc. So, today, off to get help and found out that this is a stage of grief. When will I ever get this all figured out?

So, I'm writing about my life experiences to tell you all that depression is perfectly normal in certain situations and in certain people and spells of mania I have learned are treatable and not unexpected in certain times. No, I'm not off to the Resort (hey, I'm not kidding, this place is really nice). I will walk this "valley" with the love of my friends, holding tight to the hand of Jesus and chemically bombarded. OK? Any questions????

God be With You... Gale in TX IPF 10/06Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.