Guest guest Posted August 12, 2000 Report Share Posted August 12, 2000 >> > --- > > > The phone rings at FBI headquarters. >> > > > > " Hello? " >> > > > > " Hello, is this FBI? " >> > > > > " Yes. What do you want? " >> > > > > " I'm calling to report my neighbor, Tom. He's hiding >> > > > > marijuana in his firewood. " >> > > > > Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They >> > > > > search the shed where the firewood is kept, break >> > > > > every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom >> > > > > and leave. >> > > > > The phone rings at Tom's house. >> > > > > " Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come? " >> > > > > " Yeah! " >> > > > > " Did they chop your firewood? " >> > > > > " Yeah, they did. " >> > > > > " Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed. >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged >> > > > > on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, >> > > > > " Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go? " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call that one of >> the >> > > > > players was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short >notice, >> > > > > she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. >> > > > > During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the >> > > > > door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. >> > > > > Embarrassed, his wife called out, " , would you please close >the >> > > > > door! " 's partner said, " Never mind. It's the first time >since >> we >> > > > > started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand. " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about >> > > > > a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down >> > > > > pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so >impressed >> > > > > that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some >wheeling >> > > > > and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. >> > > > > Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, >> > > > > " Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole >> audience >> > > > > and he didn't dance a single step! " " So? " asked the ducks former >> > > > > owner, " did you remember to light the candle under the pot? " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the >TV >> > > > > and rudely tells his wife, " Gimme a beer before it starts " . She >> brings >> > > > > him a beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, " Gimme a beer >> > > > > before it starts " . She does. >> > > > > A few minutes later, he asks for another beer, the wife says, > " Don't >> > > > > you think you're exaggerating? It hasn't been half an hour since >> you >> > > > > got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up >with >> > this. " >> > > > > The husband looks up and mumbles, " Now it starts... >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise >> > > > > essay containing the following elements: >> > > > > 1. Religion >> > > > > 2. Royalty >> > > > > 3. Sex >> > > > > 4. Mystery >> > > > > The prize-winning essay read: >> > > > > 'My God, " said the Queen, " I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the >> properties >> > > > > of various acids. " Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this >> glass >> > of >> > > > > acid. >> > > > > Will it dissolve? " >> > > > > " No, sir, " a student called out. >> > > > > " No? " queried the professor. " Perhaps you can explain why the >> silver >> > > > > coin won't dissolve. " >> > > > > " Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > The President is sitting in the oval office when one of his >> > > > > aides comes in and says, " Here's that abortion bill, sir. " >> > > > > The President looks up from his papers and replies, " Oh, hell. >> > > > > Just pay the darn thing! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of >> > > > > delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this >> > > > > state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next >> > > > > destination. The chauffeurexpressed a similar boredom in his >> > > > > line of work. >> > > > > " I've got it! " said the astronomer. " You are bored with driving >and >> > I'm >> > > > > weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It >will >> be >> > a >> > > > > refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out >> word >> > for >> > > > > word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway. " >> > > > > The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. >> > > > > That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed >> time >> > > > > those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its >> > > > > conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then >came >> > > > > the question and answer period. >> > > > > " Who discovered Uranus? " came from a boy in the front. >> > > > > " Uh... Herschel. " He remembered that from somewhere. >> > > > > " And who discovered Pluto? " continued the boy. >> > > > > " Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh. " He had read a little. >> > > > > Then from the back: " Would you please comment on the relative >> > > > > merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk >> > > > > instability model for theexplanation of outbursts of cataclysmic >> > > > > variable stars? " >> > > > > The speaker paused for a moment and then said, " I am surprised >> > > > > that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. And to >> > > > > show you how simple it really is, I'll have my chauffeur answer >it. " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait before >> > > > > the Gulf War and she noted then that women customarily walked >> > > > > about 10 feet behind their husbands. >> > > > > She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now >> > > > > walked several yards behind their wives. >> > > > > Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. >> > > > > " This is marvelous, " she said. " What enabled women here to >> > > > > achieve this reversal of roles? " >> > > > > The Kuwaiti woman replied, " Land mines. " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: >> > > > > " I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. >> > > > > When is the best time to plant it? " >> > > > > The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, >> > > > > replied in a letter: >> > > > > " Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! >> > > > > That is where I hid the loot. " >> > > > > A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: >> > > > > " You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with >> > > > > shovels and dug up the whole back garden. " >> > > > > The prisoner wrote another letter: >> > > > > " Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his >> > > > > boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, >> > > > > the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it >opened >> > > > > its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed through the air, he >> > > > > cried out, " Oh, God! Help me! " At once, the ferocious attack >scene >> > > > > froze in place and, as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming >voice >> > > > > came down from the heavens. " I thought you didn't believe in Me! " >> > > > > " Come on God, give me a break!, " the man pleaded. Two minutes >> > > > > ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either. " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the >next >> > > > > day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the >day >> > after >> > > > > that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of >despair >> > > > > asks, " Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here? " >> > > > > The kid says, " How should I know? I'm only 6! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. >> > > > > went to bed, not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early >> > > > > the following morning, Mr. left a note on his wife's >bedside >> > > > > table that said " Wake me at six. " >> > > > > An exasperated Mr. awoke at ten the following morning and >> > > > > rolled stiffly out of bed to find a note on his bedside table: > " It's >> > six >> > > > > o'clock, you bum! Get out of bed! " >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly >> > > > > above the sink. It had a single word on it -- " Think! " >> > > > > The next day he found a sign immediately above the soap >> > > > > dispenser. Someone had carefully lettered another sign that >> > > > > read -- " Thoap. >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that, >as a >> > > > > reward for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will >> reward >> > > > > him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. >Without >> > > > > hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. >> > > > > " Done! " says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a >> bolt >> > > > > of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits >> > surrounded >> > > > > by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues >> whispers, >> > > > > " Say something. " >> > > > > The dean sighs and says, " I should have taken the money. " >> > > > > >> > > >> > > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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