Friends and loneliness

[Guest guest]

Hi all

When I was younger, lonely, shy and introverted, low self-esteem etc.

I once went to a coffee shop on my own, saw a lot of people I knew

but wasn't friends with, and felt even worse. Then I thought " What

the heck " and I just walked up to one small group of people I liked

but didn't really know, sat down and said hello. They said hello

back, I stayed there (feeling uncomfortable) and gradually became

part of the conversation. Afterwards I thought " So that's how you do

it! " and have tried to do this in my life ever since then, often not

successfully (then the old uncomfortable feelings surface again but I

tell them to go away). Don't let feelings of " they wont want to talk

to me " get in the way.

The other thing is, never never ever tell people that you're lonely

(unless they're good friends whom you've known for a long time or

therapists or something) . It makes most of them run the other way, I

think because they feel that you're wanting them to fill the void and

most people don't like feeling under pressure or guilt-ridden when

they can't live up to expectations. Dolores' advice was great about

contacting groups, doing things for other people etc. I have found

it really important to find people with a common interest. Otherwise

there's nothing to base a conversation around. Board games are a

great way of being with people in a relaxed atmosphere. Some of those

people could become good friends over the months.

And also, do the self-help thing! Read self-help books and put the

ideas into practice. Practise your spiritual path and use a gratitude

journal every day, repeat affirmations every day (it took 6 months

for them to start working for me), and smile smile smile even when

it's pretend. Be the one who (at first) always does the ringing up

and arranging coffee dates. And then do it the next time. And the

next. Don't wait for others to contact you. It's a sure way to

continue being isolated. One day those people will start ringing you

too and then you'll know it's a proper friendship.

I had no friends 20 years ago. Now my life is full with about 6 good

friends and many acquaintances. Six friends are almost too many to

have to ring at least once a week and arrange outings with. I'm on my

own now with no partner and children far away. My other single

friends and I do talk to each other about the loneliness of the human

condition. It seems to be just the way it is with everyone. So we

treasure and nurture our friendships. It takes a lot of energy but

it's worth it.

And keep thinking positive even when things look bleak. Thoughts are

things. They can be changed with practice.

Love to all of you courageous and inspiring people on this list. My

lifesavers!

Ros