(LONG!) Re: a delicate issue / siblings

[Guest guest]

Sue, this is a terrible situation. I can't add much to the ideas of others,

except two things.

First, does your sister have a private place with enough space to really get

herself clean during the day? I'm asking because the only way I could clean

up my pannus was to lie on my side and use rubbing alcohol underneath it. I

" only " had to do it twice a day to keep from getting what I now know were

yeast infections. If I'd had an incontinence problem I don't know if I could

have taken care of it in a bathroom stall, even one made for disabled people.

Is there some kind of a large, private room she should use at a certain time

every day? I'm so sorry you have to talk to her about it. I'm blushing as I

type this and I'm not even personally involved!

Second, here's a little information about my life and those of my sisters and

brother. Some of you know me personally, and I'm talking about other people

without their permission, so I hope those of you who know my sister will be

discreet about her privacy.

I have 3 siblings. I love them all very much. All are morbidly obese, but

nowhere near my top weight of 500 pounds on a 5'4 " frame. I am the youngest.

Sister 1 (oldest) dawdled around about wanting weight loss surgery. She had

to " think about it " for months after she decided and then was SHOCKED to find

out there was a waiting list, even though I'd told her there would be. Her

health got worse and worse. I got a call at about midnight from her job

telling me to come get her. Fortunately, she's a nurse and one of her

friends who's a nurse recommended a wonderful hospital because it has a good

cardiac unit. Her major problem wasn't cardiac but pulmonary. Her O2

concentration was 30%. Untreated sleep apnea (which we had all told her

about for years) nearly claimed her life. Her edema was so bad it had risen

up to her belly. One of her many diagnosis was cardiopulmonary failure. She

was on a ventilator for 3.5 weeks, and is still on it at night. Several

times we realized they were trying to let us know that she might die and she

would have died in any but the best of hospitals. She is living with my

parents and is disabled. Tomorrow she will be evaluated by the team of

professionals who did my gastric bypass. I am staying in a miserable job

because I'll have leave to take care of her when she gets her surgery. I

stayed with her for hours every night while she was in a coma. So did my

parents, other sister, and brother. I signed the papers to put her on the

ventilator. I was the person who got motioned to " run faster " to try to keep

her awake when she was losing consciousness. Before putting her on the vent

her doctor told me that my family and I had to understand that once she was

on the vent it would be hard to get her off. I had to try to keep my parents

from strangling her doctor, who's delicate diagnosis of the primary problem

was " she's too fat to breathe. " (Yes, Mom, that was a terrible thing to say

to her parents, but I think that kind of is her underlying problem. I know

we're all fat and we're not on ventilators, but different people are capable

of carrying different amounts of weight.) Sister 1 is, at her foundation, a

tiny person. A couple of hundred extra pounds on her are more dangerous than

350 extra pounds were on me.

I am trying to visit her and my parents often, help take care of her, and

help encourage her. At the same time I'm trying to handle my medical

problems as I cope with a major wound complication from my thigh surgery.

Several days ago I spent 5 hours in an emergency room. (Among other things,

I was diagnosed with anxiety and constipation. My boss and HR insisted on

seeing my discharge papers. Fortunately, I have a sense of humor. I love to

picture them all having a big meeting and discussing my " stomach " problem and

trying to avoid mentioning intestines or constipation. Funny isn't it?) My

next surgery is scheduled for September 10.

I have slowly worked out my anger toward this sister for not dealing with her

health. How? I realized that if I couldn't get over my anger toward her,

I'd also have to be angry toward my brother and other sister, because they'll

also wait until they get very sick to deal with their morbid obesity.

Sister 2 (next-to-oldest, but acts like the oldest) is a healthy 350 or so,

but she's only 44 years old. I know from these lists what kind of medical

problems she's headed for. She is active and eats a healthy diet. 350

pounds at 50 years old is like 450 at 30 years old, in my opinion. She's

already having trouble with her feet. I added another 100 pounds when my

feet started giving me trouble, and I'm in fear that she will someday be a

450 pound 55 year old. She tells me and Sister 1 to " talk about something

else " when she's heard too much about weight loss surgery or obesity. She

hasn't told me I'm obsessed with it, but I can tell she thinks that I am.

All I can do is be quiet and hope that she " sees the light. " Until I had

cancer and faced lots of other medical problems, I was in denial about my

weight and so is sister 2.

My brother is third oldest and a laid-back, brilliant man. He has 2 young

children. He is at least 350, too. He's almost 40. He has no health

problems except high blood pressure. He decided he was getting too heavy and

is trying to watch what he eats, but his life is crazy and it's hard. I can

understand why a person with little kids and a wife with medical problems of

her own doesn't want to risk a major surgery. I look at him and say to

myself " God, it could be so easy. He could even go lap. " He doesn't tell me

to quit talking about wls. I can just tell it's something he's never

considered.

My family possibly saved my life last summer. Without them I definitely

would have lost a job, house, and car (I was between jobs when I got so sick)

and been forced to stay in a nursing home. My parents were the heroes, but

the rest of my family helped me, too. If I don't owe a particular sibling

hours of help, then I definitely owe it to my parents and the other siblings.

In most ways I'm a real a**hole, but I know what I owe and I will pay it

back. My father was on the verge of tears during sister 1's hospitalization.

They'd been out of town when she got so sick. I told him " I want you to

know that I'd moved into your house to take care of her. If she'd died, it

wouldn't be because she's been left alone. " It was the only time anyone said

anything during those darkest times that made him feel any better. I could

tell it comforted him to know that if him and my mother were dead the rest of

us would try to take care of her.

I am prepared to put my life " on hold " to help Sister 1, and I'll do it for

Sister 2 and my brother, also. I wish I could wave a magic wand and let them

decide to do it now, before they get cancer, or have heart attacks, or

degenerative joint disease, or something else, but that's not how life works.

If I'm able to help either one of them get wls surgery if and when they're

ready, I will. I will put my life on hold to do it.

Part of what I was " meant " to do with my life was tell people about this

surgery, but I don't want to offend anyone by preaching or getting into their

business.

For now, I cope with the stress, anxiety, and depression in various ways.

Sometimes I overeat. Sometimes I go for walks. I take Effexor (a powerful

anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug) and think about how much worse

everything would be if I was facing it at 500 pounds instead of a tiny,

delicate 240. I think about how lucky I am to have a " good " family. Yes,

they're all a**holes in their own ways, too, but they are all decent people.

I have a friend who's father is an addict. I was talking to my family just

the other day. " Can you imagine what it would be like to have a father who

you couldn't trust with your percoset, or sisters who might steal your money

while you were sick, or a brother who might try to let you die so he could

get your money? We've had problems, but they make us appreciate everything

we have. "

Anyway, this is a very long e-mail. I don't have time for a therapist, so I

guess I'm using a thousand or so friends and strangers instead.

- I had an inner child but I think I ate him...