Update:1st anniversary

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Well the grazing/bingeing seems to be over...for now.

When I went back to high protein and complex carbs instead of high fat foods

and sugar, like cheese curls, dips and chips, jelly beans, Ben and Jerry's

coffee coffee buzz buzz, and chocolate truffles, my appetite decreased, my

bowels started working again, my fears of gaining the weight all back, and

being out of control lifted, my anxiety went down, my sleeping improved, etc.

So, for now, my appetite seems to be ok again, made a chefs salad and couldnt

even eat 1/4 of it, almost have to remind myself to eat...

Well NO, not remind myself....as an active food addict coming off a binge, I

need few reminders to eat, but I did have to push myself to eat enough at

each sitting, as too small amounts of real food, (fibrous foods) were

seemingly filling me up very quickly, and right now my ability to be able to

feel real physical hunger is a bit impared again to say the least.

But, Im back on track...for now. This was scary, I think part of it was old

habits, creating familiar chaos, safe chaos, ie: chaos around food, what

better/safer more familiar chaos to deal with, easier than life

issues...work, money, family, future, friends, life, death, partners, health,

etc. Or in other words, the stress of life beyond food.

And also my unrelenting goals and expectations, they still get me in

trouble, my high expectations around myself, and therefore with others, and

ensuing impatience when that expectation doesn't come to fruition. Especially

if Ive evaluated and think its a realistic one. And this one to lose 150 lbs

by my first anniversary was realistic, and would probably have been met,

maybe with with a few less cheese curls, ice cream, popcorn, jelly beans,

cake, cookies, and crackers that slide down and dont really fill me up. But

that was then and this is now, for now Im ok and eating smart again.

So... it was a ghastly 1st year anniversary, because my goal had not been

met. DUUH! I set myself up big time with that one. I made sure it couldnt

be met...looking in my food journal, (which I stopped journaling in as soon

as I didnt want to face my own accountability for what I was eating ...

better to think that the DEVIL made me do it! LOL!, or I had the WRONG

surgery or needed a DISTAL or a BPD, or the surgery BROKE...) Thats just not

true for me, the surgery still works. However, with enough lousy food

choices,it was easy to blame the surgery, and, I could have made it true,

blown the anastiosis, stretched the pouch, popped a staple or something.

Now, 2 weeks later, I can see that YES, there are differences between now and

being 6 months post op in my ability to abuse food again, so the goal now

becomes a bit different, and I have to be a bit more vigilant around it.

And I have toi admot to myself that I still USE FOOD and beat myself up. I

can now laugh at the multiple reasons for big Grand Mariner Chocolate cake I

bought with the Happy Anniversary on top, and shared with no one. At least I

did enjoy about 1/2 of it, ate it slowly, for over a week, enjoyed the taste,

texture, some even without guilt. But, now I am eating healthier again, not

alot of ROOM for those kids of foods if Im eating well, but Im even eating a

few cheese curls, icecream or jelly beans, just not in the quantities and

proportions Id been doing.

So right now I need to be happy, and in fact GRATEFUL, with the tad bit less

than 150 lbs already lost, and of course Im not...yet. In a few days, if I

keep eating the way I am, Ill be less frightened about it all, and probably

be very grateful, that I didn't gain back a whole bunch. And trust that the

150 lbs is just around the bend with smart eating and healthyt lifestyle.

Again.

What I probably need to do is give up the #s all together. That is still

hard for me. My appetite is small again. I have a vertical transected banded

bypass, and the band is still keeping the stoma real small, so I do fill up

quickly, on fibrous foods, but not on crackers, chips, cheese curls,

chocolate, and Ben and Jerrys ice cream, that stuff just slides down.

Im also began to ignore dumpingand then was dumping,less as I ate more

carbs, Now, as Rita said she does, Im dumping more again.

Thanks to all that have gone before me, Im so glad there are people on these

lists who can speak of both their successes and problems. Thanks to Rita and

a whole bunch of others, I keep picking myself up and doing it, I didnt get

my intestines rearranged to fail at this. I learn more every day, thank you

all.

:)Adria