baron speaketh Re: Countdown

[Guest guest]

Hey Baron, THink we could get group rates on brain surgery!!! I know I need

one

for my stinking thinking!!

Open RNY 11/8/99

Dr. Ferrari - NeWeigh

Houston, TX

Starting Weight 400 lbs

Down 182 lbs.

[WLS400plus] baron speaketh Re: Countdown

Greetings Friends:

I just have not been able to give up that morning coffee so the caffeine is

just minutes away from surging; that and artificial sweetners are my next

targets. Right now though I need ta chew on your ears a bit bout getting

" psyched " . It is something everyone of us here do, have done and will do.

Why else does someone write in other than to bolster themselves, understand,

vent, question and / or motivate themselves. And THAT is just why I am

writing.

It's So Baffling and Confusing When It's Food That You're Abusing!!

Why else do so many of us go on our last ditch, pre-surgery food rampages

when we know that we are going to have surgery!! This definitely sounds

familiar.....RIGHT?? SO...here I am....basically thin, preparing for

another

round of reconstructive surgery and I feel " The FORCE " going awry within me.

Things have just been going tooo smooth. Exercise, and food has just been

going too well. Even after losing 400 pounds I have been starting to lose

more and that has just been too good!! Therefore, what does this crazy food

addict turn to....

YEP.....FOOD. Sure, know we can debate metablolism, call it a disease,

(which I agree with) but there is also a bit of insanity within us all...OR

AT LEAST ME.....to do some of the things I do and have done regarding food

and eating!! It is easier to KEEP your good habits going than to get them

back!! So, right now, after a not so great weekend, I find myself obsessed

a

bit and am turning to this keyboard to face the demons and move on.

I HAVE TAKEN MY BLOWS AND I AM STILL STANDING!! SO....if I must share some

pain, vulnerability, WHATEVER....I WILL.

In Overeaters Anonymous (no..I endorse nothing) which I have attended

throuhout the years, there is a saying referred to as

HALT. It means...never let yourself get TOO Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.

Well.....I have!! Consequently, I am relating to food more as a " buddy " and

wanting to hang out with it more. Exercise is more of a chore than normal,

" stinking thinkin' " is running abundantly throughout my skull.....and I am

feeling the tendency to be my own saboteur. I am nervous about another

surgery, yet getting into that mode; which means...dealing with pain, wound

care, recovery, relying on others, stitches, body fluids, drainage and worst

of all.....Dashed Hopes....caused by the results being less than I am

looking

forward to . I think that is the worst thing. You see...I never really

ENVISIONED what I wanted to look like. And now, I KNOW, that I want this

extra " pooch " that developed after the second reconstructive REMOVED. I am

switching doctors cause I am acknowledging that I am no longer comfortable

with the one that did the first two reconstructives. Financially....it

means

digging in and putting out a lot of money again. Even though I have won 2

out of 2 appeals....I have paid a good deal of out of pocket money. I just

never really talk to you all about this aspect...but I AM A PRO when it

comes

to dealing with the system. It takes a lot out of me though!!

SOOOOO......am I whining right now.....maybe.....but I am concerned and must

nip this is the bud right now. Despite how I feel I MUST get out and

exercise JUST TO KNOW I DID IT. I need whatever bricks I can use to fortify

my " Emotional Alamo " against the war that sometimes rages within myself. I

have said it before.....I have gotten so much more than I ever prayed

for.....especially physically. Sure...I have the wreckage of my past....but

I sure went thru hell to get those wounds and get to where I am today. I

just want it to get easier.....but then again....who of us does not!!

SO.....thank you for being there and sitting prisoner thru this little

tirade. FOLKS.....KEEP THE FAITH. If this can work for a low bottom like

me.....YOU GOT IT MADE...lol. AND..for the record...I too am constantly

worried that I will be one of the failures we all talk about....I hit the

scale repeatedly.....I just don't really give it much power. I am fanatical

with my food.....on a good level and a bad level. Yesterday.....I ate 2

Subway Heros. Not at once...but closer together than many of you can

comprehend. Am I endorsing this....ABSOLUTELY NOT. Am I a bit

insane...within this svelte, thin, muscularly developing body.....YOU KNOW

IT!!

SO......Today is a New Day.

Everyday's a New Day.....If only you'd believe it.

The Past is Gone.....if only you would LEAVE IT

And Live JUST FOR TODAY.

I think I will live Just for Today.....starting NOW.

Thank you...

With Love.....baron

RnY...4/29/98.................535lbs (high 600)

Currently........................195lbs

Surgeries...RnY / Panniculectomy / Abdominoplasty

preparing for additional abdominoplasty and having my arms done.