Re: Do you ever think you hate her?

[Guest guest]

Mine is more of an anger than hatred. Everytime she makes me angry and it's

quite validated, I go LC for a longer time and she knows it too but pretends

everything is fine.

[Guest guest]

My nada only has me so I am both the scapegoat/whipping post/bad girl/child and

very seldom the 'golden girl'. I don't even care if I'm her 'golden girl'

anymore because it doesn't matter. Oh yes I hate her more often than I even

LIKE her and it's sad. She is almost 90 if she makes it another 2 months, but

that is doubtful now really IF she is telling the truth about her health and she

won't go to her doctor so I can't find out anything more from someone who isn't

going to lie to me like nada does. I do know that a neighbor who helps her all

the time and nada considers her 'best friend' tells me that nada can hardly walk

OR stand; can't see well (uncontrolled diabetes); does vomit; doesn't seem to

eat anything at all (she buys her groceries and puts them away so she'd know)

and this woman is normal, not demented and sane so there is no reason not to

believe her. This woman Kathy thinks I love my nada and wouldn't be sugar

coating her bad health for me as I just want this OVER for both our sakes. I

see nada suffer and suffer and suffer and while she's going downhill quickly now

with all her systems seemingly shutting down slowly, she is still acting

witch/bitch/waif and it's really sad and maddening that this isn't changing

somewhat even now since nada believes the old-fashioned Catholic way " if you

don't make restitution with those you have injured in this life, God will

condemn you to hell " . I don't believe that way. I do believe we pay for what

we have done one way or the other but God doesn't 'condemn you to hell', but

anyway.

She has 'another daughter' who is just a friend of mine down there (one of my

only two friends left in that state since all have moved out of there except her

and her boyfriend), but anyway nada will tell me 'only Betty and I are perfect

and everyone else in this world are bad and flawed'. Of course no matter how I

feel about her I still feel awful when she says things like that to me. Also

that I only have ONE friend here and she doesn't know WHY she loves me as she

doesn't HAVE TO but nada herself is stuck with me whether she likes it or not so

that's that. GRRRR!!!!!

[Guest guest]

I've been questioning myself why i can't be Nice with my Queen /waif/ sometimes

witch nada of 75 y/o with cancer (just knew recently, under check, no treatment

yet).

I feel so bad in being sincere to myself that I hate her sometimes, most of the

times. .. I try to remember when was the Time I liked her but I cant.. She came

for health check and probably treatment for cancer on Xmas and since then my

life is a nightmare and I found out I'm having panic disorder since 2 weeks ago.

I'm taking sleeping pills and kind of lorazepam to calm down and I'm. Feel a

little better but, when I don't take medicine, I can't stand the reality of

having her sick ( and she didn't developed any symptoms yet), deal with my

feelings toward her and what she did to destroy my until now, nice marriage. I

feel guilt but I can't lie that I hate her almost the time. Sorry for not help

you but I need help too.

Good luck to all of us,

Hugs

> My nada only has me so I am both the scapegoat/whipping post/bad girl/child

and very seldom the 'golden girl'. I don't even care if I'm her 'golden girl'

anymore because it doesn't matter. Oh yes I hate her more often than I even LIKE

her and it's sad. She is almost 90 if she makes it another 2 months, but that is

doubtful now really IF she is telling the truth about her health and she won't

go to her doctor so I can't find out anything more from someone who isn't going

to lie to me like nada does. I do know that a neighbor who helps her all the

time and nada considers her 'best friend' tells me that nada can hardly walk OR

stand; can't see well (uncontrolled diabetes); does vomit; doesn't seem to eat

anything at all (she buys her groceries and puts them away so she'd know) and

this woman is normal, not demented and sane so there is no reason not to believe

her. This woman Kathy thinks I love my nada and wouldn't be sugar coating her

bad health for me as I just want this OVER for both our sakes. I see nada suffer

and suffer and suffer and while she's going downhill quickly now with all her

systems seemingly shutting down slowly, she is still acting witch/bitch/waif and

it's really sad and maddening that this isn't changing somewhat even now since

nada believes the old-fashioned Catholic way " if you don't make restitution with

those you have injured in this life, God will condemn you to hell " . I don't

believe that way. I do believe we pay for what we have done one way or the

other but God doesn't 'condemn you to hell', but anyway.

>

> She has 'another daughter' who is just a friend of mine down there (one of my

only two friends left in that state since all have moved out of there except her

and her boyfriend), but anyway nada will tell me 'only Betty and I are perfect

and everyone else in this world are bad and flawed'. Of course no matter how I

feel about her I still feel awful when she says things like that to me. Also

that I only have ONE friend here and she doesn't know WHY she loves me as she

doesn't HAVE TO but nada herself is stuck with me whether she likes it or not so

that's that. GRRRR!!!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Actually what I feel is pretty weird--sort of a duality. I insist on being LC,

which just makes nada and dd suspicious and mistrustful. I don't care, it is the

only way I can maintain a bridge between us.

I hate her for what she is capable of and how twisted anything gets in her

care--even the simple truth. She wants to play the matriarch, yet every time

she does everyone involved gets hurt/activated. So me, my sis and all our kids

have a pact to leave her out of most information. If we plan something, we tell

her what is going to happen instead of asking for her input.

Then, of course, she's pissed because we aren't 'respecting' her. LOL on that

one.

So yes, I can feel love for her as a sometimes mother, more as a burden/baggage

from the life I no longer want to focus on.

The hate I feel is fairly cold & simmering. I know I am entitled to it, but at

some point I need to be free of it before it completely embitters me. I think

holding on to it right now actually keeps me from letting bygones be bygones

with her, so the hate is my protection from trusting/getting sucked back in. No

one wants to hate their parent--but I see the duality in her. She wants to be

loved by her children, but doesn't attempt to understand how much she hurts us

with her behaviors. I feel sorry for her, too. But not enough to sacrifice

myself.

Dishrag Dad is another story. He feels betrayed by the fact he isn't surrounded

by family (get a clue, asshole!). She, of course, reinforces our 'desertion' of

him every opportunity. Every chance he got to change his life with her, he

folded. In retirement, he is now her manservant! Sorry dad, I stuck my neck out

for you too many times already--you made your bed with her, sorry you are not

enjoying it!

>

> > My nada only has me so I am both the scapegoat/whipping post/bad girl/child

and very seldom the 'golden girl'. I don't even care if I'm her 'golden girl'

anymore because it doesn't matter. Oh yes I hate her more often than I even LIKE

her and it's sad. She is almost 90 if she makes it another 2 months, but that is

doubtful now really IF she is telling the truth about her health and she won't

go to her doctor so I can't find out anything more from someone who isn't going

to lie to me like nada does. I do know that a neighbor who helps her all the

time and nada considers her 'best friend' tells me that nada can hardly walk OR

stand; can't see well (uncontrolled diabetes); does vomit; doesn't seem to eat

anything at all (she buys her groceries and puts them away so she'd know) and

this woman is normal, not demented and sane so there is no reason not to believe

her. This woman Kathy thinks I love my nada and wouldn't be sugar coating her

bad health for me as I just want this OVER for both our sakes. I see nada suffer

and suffer and suffer and while she's going downhill quickly now with all her

systems seemingly shutting down slowly, she is still acting witch/bitch/waif and

it's really sad and maddening that this isn't changing somewhat even now since

nada believes the old-fashioned Catholic way " if you don't make restitution with

those you have injured in this life, God will condemn you to hell " . I don't

believe that way. I do believe we pay for what we have done one way or the

other but God doesn't 'condemn you to hell', but anyway.

> >

> > She has 'another daughter' who is just a friend of mine down there (one of

my only two friends left in that state since all have moved out of there except

her and her boyfriend), but anyway nada will tell me 'only Betty and I are

perfect and everyone else in this world are bad and flawed'. Of course no matter

how I feel about her I still feel awful when she says things like that to me.

Also that I only have ONE friend here and she doesn't know WHY she loves me as

she doesn't HAVE TO but nada herself is stuck with me whether she likes it or

not so that's that. GRRRR!!!!!

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

For a while I effing *hated* nada with a burning passion.When I came to

understand how badly she had abused me and how absolutely helpless I had been as

a child,I had fantasies of tossing her evil ass into a black hole so she'd

absolutely *cease* to exist--this included fantasies of such revenge from beyond

the grave,like I'd find the bitch in the afterlife and drag her to the nearest

black hole.

Of course doing that I could get sucked into the " event horizon " ,too.

Nowadays I just feel indifferent to her and to her fate,which to me is more

of a negation of her than hatred could ever be.I'm not a " forgiving and

forgetting " type,I can't do that: even if I move on,there is a part of me that

has an energy that *remembers* a slight,an abuse,an injustice.I do my best to

transmute that energy into something constructive,for others...and nada I leave

to whatever the universe has in store for her: not my responsibility or my

province.

>

> Sometimes I think of the things she has said and done to me--nada, that

is--and I just feel like saying. I hate her.

>

> When I planned to go visit her for Christmas, I asked her and planned it out

months ahead of time. But most importantly, I asked her if it was a good time

for her. She had been begging me to visit for years.

>

> Whenever she comes to visit my brother, SIL, and nephews, she doesn't bother

telling me until after she books her flight, then sends me her itinerary and

expects me to drop everything to spend time with her, and rent a car and drive

40 miles round trip to spend an hour with her when she decides it's not prime

grandson time.

>

> I confronted her about it the first time she did it and we had a huge fight.

Then she did again the next year, and her response to me was " Guess what,

? It's not all about you " ! Well, duh. If it was even a little about me you

would confer with me to ask me if it was a good time of year. So my response to

her was " I know it's not all about me. But if you are planning on visiting with

me, then you should be figuring out with me when is a good time to do that and

if I'm even able to at that time of year. " The time she had chosen was really

bad for me. I was working long hours at work and it was right before the opening

of our new galleries in a new building (huge gala and other events and press

conferences I had to be present for, etc.) and I had other things planned and

going on as well. I also responded, " have a nice trip. I probably won't be able

to see you since you didn't consult me at all about when you would be in town

and I have already a lot of things on my plate at that time. "

>

> After she completed making her plans and such she sends me an email saying, " I

hope that you'll be able to take time from your busy schedule to spend a day

with me, stepdad, and stepbro. "

>

> It doesn't have to be all about me, but if she expects to see me, then

shouldn't it be a little about me?

>

> I don't know. Lately I have felt like I should allow myself to feel the anger

that I feel. And frankly I'm feeling like I hate her for screwing with my mind,

my emotions, and my mental health. I hate her for turning my Christmas into a

nightmare and for all the nightmares I have every night. I don't care if she has

a disorder. She won't seek help, so I can't have that much compassion for her.

And frankly, I feel like I should call CPS on her and my stepfather because I am

so worried for the mental health of my stepbrother. But that would certainly get

me cast out from all of my family. And nada would never forgive me. But do I

care?

>

[Guest guest]

Yup. When I was a child I *knew* she hated us (her kids), and I hated her right

back. I used to write in my diary about how much I hated nada, and then I

realized a diary is a very bad idea and destroyed it. But I remember, writing

for a brief period about my hatred for her.

[Guest guest]

You'll get there, espresso.

I am giving you permission, right here, right now, to not think about your mom

for a week. Or even a couple of days. Just try it. Just go and do things that

*you* like and that make *you* happy. Don't call her. Don't text her. You're 25

for pete's sake!!! You should not be worried about your mother! She's supposed

to be worrying about you!

I can so relate to you saying that you felt safer in the Middle East than at

home with her. When I traveled to London with my husband I remember clearly

having this huge mental " EFF YOU " because I was halfway across the world and

there was nothing she could do about it. I was 29 at the time.

[Guest guest]

I got so angry at nada the fall I found out about BPD (2007), and then I felt

sorry for her because I thought she couldn't help her illness. Now I've come to

a point, for over 2 years, where I think of her as a bag lady, a homeless person

with no friends who I feel sorry for. So once in a while I talk to her, let her

see my kid, etc. More out of pity than anything.

>

> You'll get there, espresso.

>

> I am giving you permission, right here, right now, to not think about your mom

for a week. Or even a couple of days. Just try it. Just go and do things that

*you* like and that make *you* happy. Don't call her. Don't text her. You're 25

for pete's sake!!! You should not be worried about your mother! She's supposed

to be worrying about you!

>

> I can so relate to you saying that you felt safer in the Middle East than at

home with her. When I traveled to London with my husband I remember clearly

having this huge mental " EFF YOU " because I was halfway across the world and

there was nothing she could do about it. I was 29 at the time.

>