They Say It's Your Birthday

February 1, 2011

It isn't really my birthday--that was a few days ago.But this year I took a

" birthday day off " because guess what folks: I have never put in for it

before!!! Never! Lots of other people do but I've had this view up to now that

my birthday is nothing special,so why not just work on that day and pretty much

ignore it until the evening when I might go out with friends or whoever I'm

partnered with at the time while I try to not think about nada having wanted me

to be stillborn....and always feeling tempted to weight that one up with:

Hhhhmmm,was she right? Would that have been better?

I'm happy to report that this year,on the occassion of my forty fourth

(belated) birthday,I say no.Resoundingly: No!

I'm glad I wasn't stillborn.I'm glad I didn't die at some point in my

childhood.

Nada was wrong...

This morning I noticed that I was having some strange sensation I

couldn't quite account for,something calm and quiet.

Simple contentment.

That was all.And what a world of difference that is from how I've felt

on every frigging birthday I can remember--questioning the very validity of my

existence.

I know that life intrudes and simple contentment can't endure but for

today it is a gift I have never had before.

The Christmas before last my girlfriend asked me what I wanted,she'd get

me whatever I wanted....and I said to her: " I know you can't get it *for me* but

all I really want is peace of mind... "

I was sure,at the time,that peace of mind would forever elude me.I had

worked and worked and worked on my issues and yet I seemed to be stuck in some

kind of swirling whirlpool of traumas that kept pulling me under.

I never thought I'd see the day where I could just float pleasantly

beyond the undertow--but today I *am*

And that's the other thing: it feels to me as if I have finally quickened

into being alive and can finally simply say: I AM...

...ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys,all of this painful trauma processing has been worth it--to be at

one with the day,a day in *my* life-- even if only for a day,to know what

contentment *is*.Because I know what it is now or I have reclaimed it from the

ashes and it *is* within my grasp

Cheers!

February 2, 2011

Yay !!!! And happy belated b.day! I'm so so glad you did this for

yourself. You are also not the only KO who has issues with their birthday.

I also feel like my birthday is not special. I can remember once saying

that I was going to take a personal day off from work to enjoy my b.day and

nada said " It's just another day, get over yourself. " Thanks, nada.

But my fiance put in for a personal day this year on his b.day. I know a

lot of people who do that. So why shouldn't I? Instead, I was miserable

and sad all day. I promised fiance that for my next b.day I'm going to have

a nice day & enjoy myself. Granted I will probably still be in school at

that time and may have class on my b.day, but I will find a way to

celebrate, even if belated!

*HUGS* to you =)

Mia

On Tue, Feb 1, 2011 at 1:02 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

> It isn't really my birthday--that was a few days ago.But this year I took a

> " birthday day off " because guess what folks: I have never put in for it

> before!!! Never! Lots of other people do but I've had this view up to now

> that my birthday is nothing special,so why not just work on that day and

> pretty much ignore it until the evening when I might go out with friends or

> whoever I'm partnered with at the time while I try to not think about nada

> having wanted me to be stillborn....and always feeling tempted to weight

> that one up with: Hhhhmmm,was she right? Would that have been better?

>

February 3, 2011

Silly comment to add - I like to be at work on my birthday because the places

I've worked all did little birthday celebrations for people (either a card or a

cake, etc.) then I like to take off a Friday around my birthday (double the

enjoyment around your birthday.

My husband doesn't like to make a big deal about his birthday because he doesn't

like to be the center of attention, he'll celebrate other people's but he

doesn't like when he gets gifts and praise just for being born but he'll happily

celebrate for other people.

My philosophy is that life is short you should look for as many reasons to be

happy and joyful as you can find - a sunny day, a really good lunch, a great

song on the radio - a birthday just has happy built in naturally, use it as an

excuse to feel good that day!

Also, my mom used to make me thank her on my birthday for struggling for 7 years

to get pregnant with me and for giving birth to me in a physically difficult

situation for her. Thanks mom!

Happy Birthday!

>

> >

> > It isn't really my birthday--that was a few days ago.But this year I took a

> > " birthday day off " because guess what folks: I have never put in for it

> > before!!! Never! Lots of other people do but I've had this view up to now

> > that my birthday is nothing special,so why not just work on that day and

> > pretty much ignore it until the evening when I might go out with friends or

> > whoever I'm partnered with at the time while I try to not think about nada

> > having wanted me to be stillborn....and always feeling tempted to weight

> > that one up with: Hhhhmmm,was she right? Would that have been better?

> >

>

February 8, 2011

Mia,thanks alot for sending me some birthday cheer

Nada and fada used to forget my birthday all the time because I was born a

week before their all important wedding anniversary--that was the day they

celebrated and remembered--not the awful day their nemesis,I mean daughter,was

born.

It felt great to just feel good this year around my birthday

I hope that next year when your birthday rolls around,you will celebrate

it!!! It's *not* just another day!!! Pop some champagne