Guest guest Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 I agree with this in principle, but.......what if it is a lot of money? Hundreds of thousands? It becomes much harder. *sigh* Alastriona " If you have knowledge, let others light their candles from your flame. " Margaret Fuller Subject: Re: Money Matters To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 11:08 PM My advice is to tear the checks up with no explanation. If you accept the money by cashing the check, even if you give it to charity, you have " taken " their money and they'll still be able to label you as " helpless mooches " (even if its not true; all they'll base it on is that you cashed their check.) All gifts from my nada had always come with strings attached, and I stopped accepting gifts of any kind from her several years back because of that. Then, the final straw was learning that my nada stated that I and my Sister only ever came to see her because " we wanted something from her (meaning, money) " . For me, that was " all she wrote " and I went No Contact. You'll have to figure out what will work for you, but that's what I'd do. Your parents will neither understand nor accept any explanation you give them, so just pretend the checks don't exist. Destroy them. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 I have to ask too. The only reason I have contact with my nada is because she is sole trustee of family farm land. (IT is not that much but it does make a difference). She is absolutely the wrong person to have control of it. I stay in contact because right now I am out of work but the main reason is because my daughter has autism. I don't see her ever living on her own. Plus I have nada pay for her private school. Of course, all of it comes with implicit expectation that I talk to her rather listen to her on her terms and discuss only what she wants. I cannot stand her at all.  Felicia Ward Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to compromise. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wed, February 2, 2011 8:29:41 AM Subject: Re: Re: Money Matters  I agree with this in principle, but.......what if it is a lot of money? Hundreds of thousands? It becomes much harder. *sigh* Alastriona " If you have knowledge, let others light their candles from your flame. " Margaret Fuller Subject: Re: Money Matters To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 11:08 PM My advice is to tear the checks up with no explanation. If you accept the money by cashing the check, even if you give it to charity, you have " taken " their money and they'll still be able to label you as " helpless mooches " (even if its not true; all they'll base it on is that you cashed their check.) All gifts from my nada had always come with strings attached, and I stopped accepting gifts of any kind from her several years back because of that. Then, the final straw was learning that my nada stated that I and my Sister only ever came to see her because " we wanted something from her (meaning, money) " . For me, that was " all she wrote " and I went No Contact. You'll have to figure out what will work for you, but that's what I'd do. Your parents will neither understand nor accept any explanation you give them, so just pretend the checks don't exist. Destroy them. -Annie > > Hi Everyone, > > I've been off the grid for a while. The quick history: > •nada (typical BPD-witch/waif); fada (nada's always right) > •2 siblings (I was split all good—became all bad) > •'06 family meltdown about aging parents/elder care > •'06-'08 discover BPD; join this group; therapy; recovery; NC > •'09 family health crisis— break NC; crisis passes (false alarm); LC > •'10 maintain LC (new boundaries... never drive with nada/fada; never allow >them to pay for meals,etc. > > That's the short & simple in code form. My nada is starting to send me & my >husband $$$ for our birthdays. It doesn't feel good. We don't want their >strings-attached; you owe us; guilt-laced dollars. Especially because we were >painted as the helpless mooches— the ones who couldn't make it on our own >without their help... which is BS. My idea is to cash the checks, give the $$$ >to charity, and send them a note saying that we gave the money in their name to >charity. It seems that refusing the $$$ would cause a ruckus, trying to talk >about our feelings for not wanting it...pointless. This would keep the equation >neutral. I don't think they'd be able to say much. What do you think? Good/ Bad >decision. I feel a bit unsure. Any comments would be much appreciated. > ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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