Guest guest Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 I struggle with this one all the time. My nada/fada did the same thing by handing over a bunch of $ to my brother for all these dire needs he had recently (they decide to adopt internationally , he had 2 cars totalled in accidents...). I knew they were helping him a lot with these things. They were fairly generous with me before I went NC but it was always little things they bought for the kids, taking us out to eat...basically any way they could buy our attention. I cash the smaller birthday checks and put part of the kids' money into savings for them. This Christmas we got a bigger check. Not huge but a chunk of money that helped us come out of Christmas with our cc paid off. I struggled but Nada had been behaving and we really could use the money for activities for the kids so I cashed it. Plus, my parents have worked to make their retirement comfortable but the family money from my dad's side is what lets them live extremely comfortably right now. So I get really angry that my nada holds this family money out there as a carrot bc it's not really her money to put out there. My dad has no real say in any of it - she has always controlled the money. My parents received yearly portions of this family money for 10-15 years when they were our ages. So it bothers me that I know they have this family money and they are not disseminating it in the same way they were afforded it. I know for my own good I should let this go and be free but it is hard. I don't know if I am helping you any but I thought by putting my scenario out there, it might help you see yours more clearly. patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 This is a lovely philosophy and its true and it works great when its two normal, mentally healthy people having a discussion. Its not uncommon for different individuals to have a slightly different " take " on a memory or the details of a memory due to their own perceptions. And that's fine when you're discussing something like, " I thought she showed up to the event late and wore a red dress? " and your friend says, " Well, I thought she showed up on time and wore a maroon dress? " Its an entirely different matter when its a mentally ill person who is hostile toward you, who wants to " get back " at you, who consistently re-writes history, denies having made groundless accusations against you, and is actively slandering you / lying about you to other people. You can't " compromise " with someone who is saying things like, " You are planning to steal money from me " or " You abuse your children " . -Annie > Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You > can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let > the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to > compromise. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 > Anyway, ripping up checks is a clear boundary...I get that— but my parents have been acting more or less " normal " for a year & a half. It makes it difficult for me to be crazily vindictive. I fail to see how setting a personal limit about not accepting gifts that make you feel uncomfortable is " crazily vindictive. " Personal limits are about what you are or are not willing to accept/tolerate, and have nothing to do with other people's intentions or behaviors. Who cares if your parents have been " normal " or not...the point is, their gift makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings about that are valid whether or not they are acting up. I relate to your feelings about the gifts; my parents have always sent big checks or expensive gifts, but they got bigger and bigger the more I limited contact. My parents have always used money to manipulate. I finally just told them their gifts make me uncomfortable and asked them to stop sending them to me altogether. I am much happier knowing I don't have to accept " gifts " from them anymore. That's what works for me. You can do what works for you. kt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ripping up the checks in private in my opnion doesn't do much, it would get the point across to them to rip up the checka nd send it back to them,n ow that will give them the hint you don't want the money. My nada used money to manipulate me as well, myseriously that disappeared when I moved out of the house, had my little loans from my dad paid back to start me off because I wasn't directly dependant on them anymore. Don't let maintaining your boundary make you feel that way, easier said than done, but my experience as soon as they behave themselves and you give in, by accepting a check, all the sudden the normal behavioru you had seen all disappears and they go back to disfunctional as ever. proflaf Subject: Re: Money Matters To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:00 AM  > Anyway, ripping up checks is a clear boundary...I get that— but my parents have been acting more or less " normal " for a year & a half. It makes it difficult for me to be crazily vindictive. I fail to see how setting a personal limit about not accepting gifts that make you feel uncomfortable is " crazily vindictive. " Personal limits are about what you are or are not willing to accept/tolerate, and have nothing to do with other people's intentions or behaviors. Who cares if your parents have been " normal " or not...the point is, their gift makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings about that are valid whether or not they are acting up. I relate to your feelings about the gifts; my parents have always sent big checks or expensive gifts, but they got bigger and bigger the more I limited contact. My parents have always used money to manipulate. I finally just told them their gifts make me uncomfortable and asked them to stop sending them to me altogether. I am much happier knowing I don't have to accept " gifts " from them anymore. That's what works for me. You can do what works for you. kt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 My nada definitely noticed that I stopped accepting any checks she sent me as gifts; they never appeared in her bank statements as being deposited or cashed. When I first started doing that nada used to mention it to Sister, " Why doesn't Annie use the check I sent her? " I have no idea if nada still sends me checks or not. If she sends me a card I just pop it into a drawer unopened. So, you don't necessarily have to mail them back to her torn up to get the point across. Its a nice dramatic touch, though. -Annie > > Ripping up the checks in private in my opnion doesn't do much, it would get the point across to them to rip up the checka nd send it back to them,n ow that will give them the hint you don't want the money. > > My nada used money to manipulate me as well, myseriously that disappeared when I moved out of the house, had my little loans from my dad paid back to start me off because I wasn't directly dependant on them anymore. > > Don't let maintaining your boundary make you feel that way, easier said than done, but my experience as soon as they behave themselves and you give in, by accepting a check, all the sudden the normal behavioru you had seen all disappears and they go back to disfunctional as ever. > > proflaf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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