Just need to vent

[Guest guest]

I've been NC with nada for 3-1/2 years. She got my phone number a couple months

ago and sent me texts that were just vulgar and disgusting beyond belief. I

changed my number right after telling her I could not have her in my life

because she is abusive and I won't change my mind to let me be.

Now I find out she is looking up my exboyfriends and exhusbands family members

in the yellow pages and calling them trying to get my phone number. My aunt

also told me tonight she is trying to get the number from her too. My aunt

doesn't have it because I won't give it to her. I'm so tired of having to run

and hide and still she comes. it pisses me off to no end how one woman would be

so filled with hate. I stopped being the bank of Jaie and kicked her butt out.

No one abuses me and my kids in my home and she had the nerve to ask me for

money. I told her hell NO! She drinks her SS checks and I refuse to enable her

bad behavior. I gave her phone numbers to get herself into rehab. That's all

she gets from me.

The frustrating thing is nowhere else in this world but here and in T's office

am I allowed to be angry at being abused, am I allowed to be incredulous that my

own mother is out to get me or am I understood in the slightest bit. I didn't

ask to be abused and so now I'm the lepper because my mother is one sick abusive

witch with a capital B! NO WAY!

I have a right to the way I feel and if I choose to be mad, angry and sad like I

am right now, it's just what I need to do and no, I will not " just get over it "

and " let it go " because it hurts too damn much when I go the forgive and forget

route just to blink and have more damage done. Without her in my life, I am

safe. i can be in my home and be safe. I can hear a phone ringing finally and

not go into PTSD symptoms. I have this really great life and to hear that she's

out to get me some more and find me and take away all my emotional safety again.

What the hell does it get her? She's a mother for Christ's sake. Mothers

aren't supposed to stalk, destroy and totally obliterate their children!

Mothers are supposed to love their children, nurture and care for them. She's

evil. I'm not even going to focus on behavior any more...I have been by far

more kind than this monster deserves... SHE, HER SOUL, HER SELF, HER PERSON is

filled with dripping black hatred that rots her soul and well, she deserves it

for being such an evil hateful ugly monster.

She lied about being abused as a child. I spoke with my aunt tonight - that

never happened. My mother exhibited BPD as a child. So, apparently, she was

born with it. That's scary - I hope its not something you can genetically " get "

as I would not want to one day suffer the night mare or worry that my children

or their children might suffer.

I hate to say this but I honestly wish I had never been born at least not to

her! Don't worry, I am not suicidal, just so mad, angry and frustrated. I

guess in a way its good...you heal some, stabilize, then more rises to the

surface and then you heal some more, stabilize some more and then more rises to

the surface. I just don't want to live like this any more. I will talk with T

tomorrow...I'm sure this is just a wave that is passing or maybe its hormones or

lack thereof...I did just have a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago. I guess I feel

better, the tears finally fell and it felt so good to let them loose.

Thanks for reading this far if you have!

Jaie