Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with their PBD parents? It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't need to be done now if ever. Thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Oh yes... we were always late. I grew up thinking time was merely 'suggestive' based on what was more important - Nada and what she was doing. But, GOD FORBID, if *I* was ever late for anything, or Dad was late - suddenly we had NO RESPECT for HER and she's up the emotional thermostat and go crazy about being discounted and ignored by her disloyal family. You bet... those family holiday's were a blast with the relatives... the stress prior was sickening. No I try to be early for everyone... and if I'm late, it's legitimate. Lynnette > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with their PBD parents? > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't need to be done now if ever. > > Thoughts? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 , Boy do I know that story. Apparently screwing around on Facebook, getting her make up just right, re-organizing items on shelves and counter tops, folding her clothes just right, etc., was all more important than being on time to work for my nada. > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with their PBD parents? > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't need to be done now if ever. > > Thoughts? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Before I went No Contact with my nada, if I was visiting her and asked her to go with me to someplace or other, like a movie, or a visit to a friend's house, she would take so much time getting ready that we'd chronically be late. She would make me crazy dawdling when it was time for her to take me to the airport. I think I got ulcers over that kind of mind-f**k, just getting me there in the nick of time (this was before all the hyper-security stuff, when you could practically run through the airport and leap on a plane as it was about to pull away from the boarding area!) I got to the point that I'd just lie to her about when she needed to be ready; I'd tell her that we needed to leave a whole hour before we really needed to so that she could dawdle and we'd still be on time. And yet, if it was something *she* wanted to or needed to do, like a doctor's appointment, well, Sister or I better not be five minutes late picking her up or she'd have a melt-down. With our nada it was all about who's in control, and, you guessed it: nada is always in control. Having a relationship with my nada = stress. -Annie > > > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with their PBD parents? > > > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't need to be done now if ever. > > > > Thoughts? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Yes, yes & yes. I was in band & track in high school. Any time I had a concert or a later track meet that she would actually attend, I'd be late. If the concert started at 7pm, my band director wanted us there by no later than 6:30pm. We only lived a couple of blocks from the school and I walked to & from school every day, but she'd never let me walk to get there. I'd say " Well I need to be there soon so I'm just going to go ahead & leave, I'll see you guys after the concert " and she'd get pissed off and tell me " no, god damn it, just wait " . She was always always always putzing around with her damn hair. Now I do understand, as a woman, that you want to look nice but this was just ridiculous. In my opinion, it was totally a show of power over me. I'd end up at the school at say 6:45 instead of 6:30 and my band director would be so mad at me. He was a really great guy though and I think he had a clue because eventually he laid off because I was always running late. No, it's not 2 hours messing with dimmer switches, but I swear she'd spend close to that messing with her hair. Mia On Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 11:06 AM, Veetee wrote: > > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on > time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing > something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours > late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights > in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of > ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with > their PBD parents? > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge > and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't > need to be done now if ever. > > Thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Yes, my mother has this obsessive compulsive skin regime. So she takes like an hour shower. Then has to dry off and get dressed, but then takes like another washing, cleansing, and moisturizing her fact with her damn Kay products, then has to spend another 30 minutes putting on make up. I hardly ever wear make up but it seriously only takes 5 minutes to put on, and I do know how to professionally apply make up. Anyone spending more than 10 minutes on make up is just being compulsive, in my opinion. I can understand having long hair taking a long time to get ready because up until recently my hard was all the way down my back and if I wanted to dry it, it easily took 10-15 minutes. But my mother has always had short, close-cropped hair that takes 5 minutes to dry. Yet she spends more than 30 minutes on that too. And frankly none of it makes her look any better in my opinion. Maybe that's why I just don't care about make up or really doing my hair. Don't get me wrong, I look professional and appropriate, but I could give a damn about lipstick and blush, etc. > > > > > > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on > > time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing > > something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours > > late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights > > in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of > > ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with > > their PBD parents? > > > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge > > and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't > > need to be done now if ever. > > > > Thoughts? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Interesting. My mother was actually the opposite, but the ends were basically the same. She was incredibly stringent about being on time and then would bash anybody who was two minutes late. My whole childhood she went on and on and on about " how rude most people are! " and then when I grew up I realized that she is *hands down* one of the rudest people I've *ever* encountered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Interesting, I think " controlling time " is definitely something that speaks to people with BPD. > > Interesting. My mother was actually the opposite, but the ends were basically the same. She was incredibly stringent about being on time and then would bash anybody who was two minutes late. My whole childhood she went on and on and on about " how rude most people are! " and then when I grew up I realized that she is *hands down* one of the rudest people I've *ever* encountered. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 , my mom was always late for everything, too. I can't tell you how much embarrassment I suffered as a child over being late for things, and how much resentment I have for teachers who hold kids accountable for being late (kids can't drive!). But with my mother, I think it was more of a dissociation thing. She is too disconnected from the real world to have much sense of time. She always thinks she has more time than she does, never starts getting ready until too late, never leaves the house with time to spare. Ironically, she is the most impatient person I've ever seen when SHE has to wait for someone else! > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with their PBD parents? > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't need to be done now if ever. > > Thoughts? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 my nada missed major events in high school because supposidly she got the wrong informaiton from people, I think she juse didn't want to go, one of those imagine a senior night where the parents didn't bother to show up. For some reason dad fell for the crap and woudln't listen to me, for who knows what reason. My nada was the worst about time when I tried to help them out by picking up the dog for grooming because she would mess around which what all she wanted done not understanding that i had enough time to pick up the dog and go, I did not have time to spend twenty minutes discussing things. The consequence she recieved was if you mess around I can't do this because it makes me late to work, end of conversation. More later proflaf Subject: Re: Control around the house To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, February 3, 2011, 7:11 PM  Yes, my mother has this obsessive compulsive skin regime. So she takes like an hour shower. Then has to dry off and get dressed, but then takes like another washing, cleansing, and moisturizing her fact with her damn Kay products, then has to spend another 30 minutes putting on make up. I hardly ever wear make up but it seriously only takes 5 minutes to put on, and I do know how to professionally apply make up. Anyone spending more than 10 minutes on make up is just being compulsive, in my opinion. I can understand having long hair taking a long time to get ready because up until recently my hard was all the way down my back and if I wanted to dry it, it easily took 10-15 minutes. But my mother has always had short, close-cropped hair that takes 5 minutes to dry. Yet she spends more than 30 minutes on that too. And frankly none of it makes her look any better in my opinion. Maybe that's why I just don't care about make up or really doing my hair. Don't get me wrong, I look professional and appropriate, but I could give a damn about lipstick and blush, etc. > > > > > > > My mom was notoriously late for everything (except getting me to school on > > time (or close to on time)). But she was always late because she was doing > > something unnecessary and stupid - for example, we were usually two hours > > late to our relatives on holidays because she had to have all of the lights > > in our house (which she had put on dimmers) at the exact right level of > > ambiance lighting. (2 hours fiddling with light switches!) > > > > Does anyone else have similar control of time and activities issues with > > their PBD parents? > > > > It seemed like subconscious she was telling me and my dad, I'm in charge > > and what I want to do is most important even if it is stupid and doesn't > > need to be done now if ever. > > > > Thoughts? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 You're right. As kids we have absolutely no control over how our parent(s) choose to treat us or mistreat us, but as adults we can set boundaries and rules such as you described. The dysfunctional, narcissistic 'rents hate it, absolutely hate it if their adult child does not continue to meekly defer to them over such things as allowing the parent to be tardy in a way that impacts you, their adult child, in a negative way. But this is a very reasonable boundary: " I have to leave now, mother, or I'll be late for work. We can work out when I can run this errand for you some other time. 'Bye. " Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and setting reasonable boundaries with nada! -Annie > > my nada missed major events in high school because supposidly she got the wrong informaiton from people, I think she juse didn't want to go, one of those imagine a senior night where the parents didn't bother to show up. For some reason dad fell for the crap and woudln't listen to me, for who knows what reason. > > My nada was the worst about time when I tried to help them out by picking up the dog for grooming because she would mess around which what all she wanted done not understanding that i had enough time to pick up the dog and go, I did not have time to spend twenty minutes discussing things. The consequence she recieved was if you mess around I can't do this because it makes me late to work, end of conversation. > > More later > proflaf > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 YES YES YES My nada would 1- leave me standing in the parking lot at school at age 6 scared to death because I was the last one standing there 2- Wait until our guests arrived for Christmas dinner at 6 pm to get out of bed and go in the bathroom and get ready - making my dad (who made all the meals) hold dinner for 90 min or more. It wasn't until after college for me that he stopped waiting. 3) Leave the whole family waiting in the driveway out in the car for 1/2 hour or more if we ever went anywhere as a family (which we rarely did - I wonder why) 4) and the kicker - before I went NC, she would make plans with me on the weekend when i was working a full time job and very busy to hang out. She would end up leaving late, taking the wrong freeway exit, getting lost (ok, she lived in the same place about 20 miles away her whole life and she doesn't know the freeways whatev) and arrive 4 - 6 - more hours late. This would mean the time I could have spent doing my grocery shopping, walking my dog, picking up dry cleaning was just spent waiting because she would call and claim she would be there in a few min. Even now I want to reach out and strangle her for wasting my time like that and I haven't seen her in almost 8 years!!!!!!!! Now I can see its just blatant manipulation. On Sat, Feb 5, 2011 at 1:40 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > You're right. As kids we have absolutely no control over how our parent(s) > choose to treat us or mistreat us, but as adults we can set boundaries and > rules such as you described. The dysfunctional, narcissistic 'rents hate it, > absolutely hate it if their adult child does not continue to meekly defer to > them over such things as allowing the parent to be tardy in a way that > impacts you, their adult child, in a negative way. But this is a very > reasonable boundary: " I have to leave now, mother, or I'll be late for work. > We can work out when I can run this errand for you some other time. 'Bye. " > > Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and setting reasonable boundaries > with nada! > > -Annie > > > > > > my nada missed major events in high school because supposidly she got the > wrong informaiton from people, I think she juse didn't want to go, one of > those imagine a senior night where the parents didn't bother to show up. > For some reason dad fell for the crap and woudln't listen to me, for who > knows what reason. > > > > My nada was the worst about time when I tried to help them out by picking > up the dog for grooming because she would mess around which what all she > wanted done not understanding that i had enough time to pick up the dog and > go, I did not have time to spend twenty minutes discussing things. The > consequence she recieved was if you mess around I can't do this because it > makes me late to work, end of conversation. > > > > More later > > proflaf > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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