reconsiling the good times

[Guest guest]

my mom did a lot of splitting so I was either an angel or the devil. Well as a

child I was mostly the angel because I was so afraid to do anything that

deviated at all from exactly what she wanted. As a result, I got a lot of

praise and had good times with my mother because I was doing exactly what she

wanted (not knowing any better). My mother thought of me and still thinks of me

as an extension of herself. I shouldn't have my own identity in her opinion.

Now I'm a demon to her and she has cut off contact with me, and I'm struggling

with wanting to go back to the " good times " with her. I won't grovel or

apologize, which I know she will demand in order to be nice to me again, but I

do find myself missing the good times with her because there were many of them.

I guess I'm lucky to have those good memories and I know many of you had

terrible childhoods. My childhood was great, it was completely manipulated but

because I always did what my mom wanted she was nice and did nice things for me.

I guess I am wondering if it is possible to have a good relationship with her on

my terms or if I try to have some contact with her if it is going to be her way

or no way...I guess I should just try and see, but I'm afraid to reach out and

open the can of rage and hurt she'll unleash on me when I try.

Does this make sense? It's like when she's awful I just want to get away as

fast as I can, but then I think of the good memories I have and I 1. feel guilty

and 2. think " there must be some way to have a healthy good relationship with

her.

Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I feel like she's not " bad enough " to be NC

with her.

Thanks for any feedback.

[Guest guest]

I suggest that you keep a private blog or diary about your interactions with

your mother, and record for yourself how you feel about it *at the time.*

The reason? We as human beings have an innate tendency to be forgiving and to

gloss over the bad parts of a relationship so that we can keep it. We are

social creatures, and its normal to want to keep a relationship with one's

parents.

But when your parent has a personality disorder and is chronically abusive to

you, its a different situation. Normal feelings and normal " rules of

engagement " can just result in more abuse.

So the diary or blog will help re-orient you in reality, hopefully, and keep you

from having your heart crushed underfoot repeatedly.

Your blog or diary will be your " reality check. "

Another reality-check kind of thing: ask yourself whether you would accept this

kind of treatment from any friend or acquaintance you have? You can only have a

relationship with this friend if you always do exactly what she wants you to do,

and if she does something that hurts your feelings you have to just swallow it,

or even beg her forgiveness? Would you accept this kind of one-way relationship

from a friend? I'm guessing the answer is probably " no. "

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> my mom did a lot of splitting so I was either an angel or the devil. Well as

a child I was mostly the angel because I was so afraid to do anything that

deviated at all from exactly what she wanted. As a result, I got a lot of

praise and had good times with my mother because I was doing exactly what she

wanted (not knowing any better). My mother thought of me and still thinks of me

as an extension of herself. I shouldn't have my own identity in her opinion.

Now I'm a demon to her and she has cut off contact with me, and I'm struggling

with wanting to go back to the " good times " with her. I won't grovel or

apologize, which I know she will demand in order to be nice to me again, but I

do find myself missing the good times with her because there were many of them.

I guess I'm lucky to have those good memories and I know many of you had

terrible childhoods. My childhood was great, it was completely manipulated but

because I always did what my mom wanted she was nice and did nice things for me.

>

> I guess I am wondering if it is possible to have a good relationship with her

on my terms or if I try to have some contact with her if it is going to be her

way or no way...I guess I should just try and see, but I'm afraid to reach out

and open the can of rage and hurt she'll unleash on me when I try.

>

> Does this make sense? It's like when she's awful I just want to get away as

fast as I can, but then I think of the good memories I have and I 1. feel guilty

and 2. think " there must be some way to have a healthy good relationship with

her.

>

> Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I feel like she's not " bad enough " to be NC

with her.

>

> Thanks for any feedback.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thanks a lot, that is good insight, and you're right, I wouldn't take the

manipulation from anyone else so I shouldn't from my mom.

And I'll keep a journal about our interactions, good idea.

Thanks,

> >

> > my mom did a lot of splitting so I was either an angel or the devil. Well

as a child I was mostly the angel because I was so afraid to do anything that

deviated at all from exactly what she wanted. As a result, I got a lot of

praise and had good times with my mother because I was doing exactly what she

wanted (not knowing any better). My mother thought of me and still thinks of me

as an extension of herself. I shouldn't have my own identity in her opinion.

Now I'm a demon to her and she has cut off contact with me, and I'm struggling

with wanting to go back to the " good times " with her. I won't grovel or

apologize, which I know she will demand in order to be nice to me again, but I

do find myself missing the good times with her because there were many of them.

I guess I'm lucky to have those good memories and I know many of you had

terrible childhoods. My childhood was great, it was completely manipulated but

because I always did what my mom wanted she was nice and did nice things for me.

> >

> > I guess I am wondering if it is possible to have a good relationship with

her on my terms or if I try to have some contact with her if it is going to be

her way or no way...I guess I should just try and see, but I'm afraid to reach

out and open the can of rage and hurt she'll unleash on me when I try.

> >

> > Does this make sense? It's like when she's awful I just want to get away as

fast as I can, but then I think of the good memories I have and I 1. feel guilty

and 2. think " there must be some way to have a healthy good relationship with

her.

> >

> > Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I feel like she's not " bad enough " to be

NC with her.

> >

> > Thanks for any feedback.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

I think it is possible that you might be able to have a

relationship with her that isn't necessarily bad. I don't think

you can have a relationship that is both good and close on your

own terms though. You can try having some contact with her and

see what happens. If you are strong in setting up boundaries and

enforcing them, you may find that you can have limited contact

with her and maintain a relatively good relationship. If you

can't manage to enforce your boundaries or if she her desire to

engage in BPD behavior is stronger than her desire to have

contact with you, then you're not going to be able to have a

relationship on your own terms. I'm lucky in that my nada wants

to see me more than she wants to behave badly, so as long as I

refuse to let her misbehave around me, she behaves herself

acceptably when she's with me. Getting to that point took years

of hanging up the phone and walking out when she misbehaved. It

didn't happen quickly or easily. It also isn't a close

relationship. I don't talk to her about things that really

matter to me. When I see her, I keep the conversation relatively

superficial. I don't believe she understands why she shouldn't

say and do things the way she used to, but she has come to

understand that I won't have contact with her if she does.

That being said, if you think you're going to go back to " the

good times " you're probably kidding yourself and setting

yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. If you decide to

try to have a relationship with her, don't go into it unless

you're able to deal with it not working out the way you want.

You may get lucky, but you may find that she's one of the ones

who simply can't/won't learn to respect any boundaries and that

it is her way or no way at all.

At 10:57 AM 02/03/2011 Veetee wrote:

>my mom did a lot of splitting so I was either an angel or the

>devil. Well as a child I was mostly the angel because I was so

>afraid to do anything that deviated at all from exactly what

>she wanted. As a result, I got a lot of praise and had good

>times with my mother because I was doing exactly what she

>wanted (not knowing any better). My mother thought of me and

>still thinks of me as an extension of herself. I shouldn't

>have my own identity in her opinion. Now I'm a demon to her

>and she has cut off contact with me, and I'm struggling with

>wanting to go back to the " good times " with her. I won't grovel

>or apologize, which I know she will demand in order to be nice

>to me again, but I do find myself missing the good times with

>her because there were many of them. I guess I'm lucky to have

>those good memories and I know many of you had terrible

>childhoods. My childhood was great, it was completely

>manipulated but because I always did what my mom wanted she was

>nice and did nice things for me.

>

>I guess I am wondering if it is possible to have a good

>relationship with her on my terms or if I try to have some

>contact with her if it is going to be her way or no way...I

>guess I should just try and see, but I'm afraid to reach out

>and open the can of rage and hurt she'll unleash on me when I

>try.

>

>Does this make sense? It's like when she's awful I just want

>to get away as fast as I can, but then I think of the good

>memories I have and I 1. feel guilty and 2. think " there must

>be some way to have a healthy good relationship with her.

>

>Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I feel like she's not " bad

>enough " to be NC with her.

>

>Thanks for any feedback.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

Thank you, it felt good to hear that there is a possibility for a decent

relationship with my mother. I don't want the stress of the bad times but I do

want to try to consistently set boundaries and see how that goes. I appreciate

your experience immensely.

Best,

> >my mom did a lot of splitting so I was either an angel or the

> >devil. Well as a child I was mostly the angel because I was so

> >afraid to do anything that deviated at all from exactly what

> >she wanted. As a result, I got a lot of praise and had good

> >times with my mother because I was doing exactly what she

> >wanted (not knowing any better). My mother thought of me and

> >still thinks of me as an extension of herself. I shouldn't

> >have my own identity in her opinion. Now I'm a demon to her

> >and she has cut off contact with me, and I'm struggling with

> >wanting to go back to the " good times " with her. I won't grovel

> >or apologize, which I know she will demand in order to be nice

> >to me again, but I do find myself missing the good times with

> >her because there were many of them. I guess I'm lucky to have

> >those good memories and I know many of you had terrible

> >childhoods. My childhood was great, it was completely

> >manipulated but because I always did what my mom wanted she was

> >nice and did nice things for me.

> >

> >I guess I am wondering if it is possible to have a good

> >relationship with her on my terms or if I try to have some

> >contact with her if it is going to be her way or no way...I

> >guess I should just try and see, but I'm afraid to reach out

> >and open the can of rage and hurt she'll unleash on me when I

> >try.

> >

> >Does this make sense? It's like when she's awful I just want

> >to get away as fast as I can, but then I think of the good

> >memories I have and I 1. feel guilty and 2. think " there must

> >be some way to have a healthy good relationship with her.

> >

> >Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I feel like she's not " bad

> >enough " to be NC with her.

> >

> >Thanks for any feedback.

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>