Guest guest Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. It's pretty damn easy. My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's gone. I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and the moment passed. But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. Em Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 You're right, the " normals " just don't, or can't, get it. So we truly do seem heartless and cruel to them when we admit that we don't have contact with our own mother, or don't like her, or even hate her due to her negative, toxic, abusive behaviors toward us over our entire lifetime. The normals don't get it that you want little or nothing to do with a parent unless you were subjected to sexual abuse by them (and usually its males who perpetrate sexual abuse.) Then they'll respond with an " Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. I understand. " But if its " just " emotional abuse by a mom, then, we're (apparently) just supposed to grin and bear it. They do NOT get that emotional abuse by a parent or parents can do severe, life-altering damage to a kid/teen/young adult. The normals are willing to agree that Sexual abuse = evil and Physical abuse = criminal, but Emotional abuse = so what's the big deal? I wonder if it would make any difference to say, if I have to, something like, " I wish I could love my mom, but she has personality disorder; when I try to get close to her she has this need to hurt me. She loves me and hates me at the same time; its been that way my whole life. I feel safer when we don't have contact; its better for both of us, really. And yes, it really hurts and it makes me sad that I never really had a mom like other people do. " -Annie > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > It's pretty damn easy. > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > gone. > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > the moment passed. > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > Em > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I know how you feel and I feel for you. I will be facing the same upon my nada's death which shouldn't be too long from now judging by her extremely poor health and her not doing a thing about it which is fine. She and I have suffered enough. I know that people who do not have BPD Mom's don't get it. One tells me to 'laugh at her - you expect her to be NORMAL and she will never be normal' (which one can't do because how can I laugh at some of the stuff nada says which is NOT funny and nada knows what buttons to push with me that hurt me the worst and uses them for all they're worth). Another tells me " she's still your Mom and you should love and respect her for that alone " . Another tells me " I don't want to hear anything about your mother! She is lying through her teeth about being sick at all and just wants you to come down there and take care of her " which is NOT true as her doctor has talked to me and told me she has a very weak heart etc. This woman is not a doctor who says this. She also goes on to say 'nada will live for a very, very long time yet " which I do not see either and she has seen my nada and knows she is too frail, debilitated and weak as well as emaciated to continue to go on for a long time the way she is so what's up with that?! So yes I know that people who don't have nadas have no idea why we feel as we do, but I know one thing. Love is gained through respect, caring, sharing and being there for the other person regardless of the relationship and mothers are no exception. Love is EARNED and our nadas because they either can't love or love in such a warped way either aren't capable or haven't learned to love like a real mother should. So we shouldn't be expected to love our nadas like people with normal families do. They aren't 'normal mothers'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Wow, that was kind of rude of her to say that to you " I can see you've gotten over this. " It really wasn't her place to say that, very judgmental. It's true, as you say, people with " normal " relationships with their mothers, do not get it. Or put another way, people who don't necessarily have such a loving relationship but are content to be their mother's flying monkey and then see someone who refuses to play that role -- don't get it. And they resent us. > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > It's pretty damn easy. > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > gone. > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > the moment passed. > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > Em > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 " I wish I could love my mom, but she has personality disorder; when I try to get close to her she has this need to hurt me. She loves me and hates me at the same time; its been that way my whole life. I feel safer when we don't have contact; its better for both of us, really. And yes, it really hurts and it makes me sad that I never really had a mom like other people do. " I LOVE THIS! This is along the lines of what I try to tell people. And you're right. Most people just don't get it. > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > gone. > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > the moment passed. > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > Em > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I've been thinking a lot about this over the years since learning about bpd. It has always helped me to think of nada having emotional alcoholism. I think you all seem to connect with this explanation right away but I have found most " normal " people still have a hard time making this connection even though they may understand alcoholism. I wonder if this is because, while at one time many of us didn't understand alcolism, most of now understand the implications and affects it has on a family. This was only after seeing these family scenarios played out on many self-help reality shows, TV shows, movies, community education efforts, etc. Our understanding of bpd is really, in the big scope of things, relatively newly identified and extremely poorly understood by much of the social work/pschology community let alone the general public. There is a big learning curve yet to be done. (Huge shout out to Randi Kreger here!!!! We love you!) Having said all that, there is an even bigger hurdle that will never go away because so few bpds are diagnosed and I have a hard time seeing that changing anytime soon. This is the ultimate invalidation to the chronically invalidated. I love your explanation Annie - that's perfect. I think it is the best we can do until we have a significant TV show or movie that we can refer to and say " that " was my nada/fada. I think there are a few shows out there that resemble bpd characters but they aren't pure examples. White Oleander is a perfect example but in the end mom ultimately shows her love by not forcing her to testify. I highly doubt a real bpd in that situation would do that. Everybody Loves 's mom but in the end she sort of is a lite bpd version. It's toned down to spare us all. We weren't spared but so many normally parented people just can't stomach what we are telling them. Story of our lives, uh? peace, patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I think that is very insightful and true, patinage: that concept really gets the point across: like an " emotional alcoholic. " It even straddles that bizarre gray area between the behavior being a " disease " and a " choice " . Alcoholics literally crave to drink and their minds and bodies are in many cases dependent on the drug, *BUT they still have the option to choose not to drink.* In a similar way, a person with bpd can't help that her brain is cognitively distorted. She misinterprets incoming emotional information negatively, she has no emotional " rheostat " so incoming info and outgoing responses are " all or nothing " . And yet, the high-functioning bpds can choose when and where and against whom to act out. There is a conscious will involved, there is the option to not act out and hurt loved ones (when the pwbpd is high-functioning.) And she can choose to accept that she has a disorder, acknowledge that her disorder is hurting not only herself but her loved ones, choose to go into treatment, stay in treatment, choose to stay on meds (if those are prescribed) and choose to work hard at learning to self-regulate and trust others who are trying to help her. I think you're right and it will take a lot of media exposure to the " real " bpd for people to get it. I think people finally understand that hoarding is a real disorder and can have a severely negative impact on the pwbpd's life and her family's mental and physical health, because of the TV show " Hoarders " . I agree: we need a similar real-life TV series for " BPD-ers " . -Annie > > I've been thinking a lot about this over the years since learning about bpd. It has always helped me to think of nada having emotional alcoholism. I think you all seem to connect with this explanation right away but I have found most " normal " people still have a hard time making this connection even though they may understand alcoholism. > > I wonder if this is because, while at one time many of us didn't understand alcolism, most of now understand the implications and affects it has on a family. This was only after seeing these family scenarios played out on many self-help reality shows, TV shows, movies, community education efforts, etc. > > Our understanding of bpd is really, in the big scope of things, relatively newly identified and extremely poorly understood by much of the social work/pschology community let alone the general public. There is a big learning curve yet to be done. > > (Huge shout out to Randi Kreger here!!!! We love you!) > > Having said all that, there is an even bigger hurdle that will never go away because so few bpds are diagnosed and I have a hard time seeing that changing anytime soon. This is the ultimate invalidation to the chronically invalidated. > > I love your explanation Annie - that's perfect. I think it is the best we can do until we have a significant TV show or movie that we can refer to and say " that " was my nada/fada. I think there are a few shows out there that resemble bpd characters but they aren't pure examples. White Oleander is a perfect example but in the end mom ultimately shows her love by not forcing her to testify. I highly doubt a real bpd in that situation would do that. Everybody Loves 's mom but in the end she sort of is a lite bpd version. It's toned down to spare us all. We weren't spared but so many normally parented people just can't stomach what we are telling them. Story of our lives, uh? > > peace, > patinage > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 You hit the nail on the head here. Even nada's sister didn't get it she was so concerned that I hated nada, at this point I feel sorry for her because she never got the help she needed and society has set it up so she woudln't beable to get help. Too much is dependant on patient reported symtoms rather than both self reported and family reported symptoms. That's when I had to go NC was when nada's doctors refused to listen to me that she had some major problem, she used to listen to dad and I when he was alive, after he died forget it, she opted to belive nada which meant she could never get the help she needed.  Managed to ahve less contact with this aunt who doesn't get nada had a personality disorder maybe another problem or two without completely severing contact with her. I was getting pretty close to having to say enoug is enough because I didnb't want to talk about nada as much as she wanted to and she always wanted me to agree with her when I can agree she had problems, buit none of her paperwork said BPD, NPD on it, more schitzoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder. I suspedct the doctors didn't have enough information to really diagnose the BPD let alone they mnight ahve changed the paperwork to please the insurance. They coudl have easily mised the BPD with me out of the pictures and her sister Sherry so far away, as that she had no close famioly talkign to her so she coudlnt' really cause problems. I still suspect that thorazine problems since she was started on meds probably around the same time that dangerious doses of that drug were popular.  more later proflaf  Subject: Re: People Just Don't Get It To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Friday, February 4, 2011, 9:48 AM  " I wish I could love my mom, but she has personality disorder; when I try to get close to her she has this need to hurt me. She loves me and hates me at the same time; its been that way my whole life. I feel safer when we don't have contact; its better for both of us, really. And yes, it really hurts and it makes me sad that I never really had a mom like other people do. " I LOVE THIS! This is along the lines of what I try to tell people. And you're right. Most people just don't get it. > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > gone. > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > the moment passed. > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > Em > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 Personally, I don't let on to people outside my circle of safe people that my parents aren't the Cleavers. For one thing, it's not their business or concern and for another, I don't like the typical reaction. Trying to " explain " the situation to people who don't know me well just comes across as a bunch of excuses - and the people who know mr well don't require much of an explanation. They seem to understand that some seriously bad juju must have gone down for me to keep my distance from my own parents. In situations like the one with the realtor, I pretend to have missed the inference. Who cares what the realtor thinks, anyway? He/she is really only qualified to comment on the saleability of your property - not your family relationships and life history. Gold jacket be damned. > > > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > > gone. > > > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > > the moment passed. > > > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I am in the process of reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent " and it is an incredible book. I can't diagnose my mom, but all of the symptoms mentioned in the book she has and the ways the child copes with the disorder is how I cope with it. That book has given me a lot of hope. This has a name and the behavior I display in dealing with my mom is how a human is supposed to act. I'm not a freak. My biggest issue has been dealing with social anxiety. I hate dealing with people because I always think I'm dealing with the same dynamic.  I would do all the work in the relationship end up having my feelings invalided and basically being treated like crap.. It dd not seem worth it to me. Now, I realized it does not have to be that way. My mom and I have been estranged for several years. I would always feel guilty about pulling away and end up going back. The situation would not change. I have not spoken to my mom in the past four years.  I need to take care of me and unfortunately, she cannot be in that picture. In regards to the topic, right now I only need to get it. Marla ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Fri, February 4, 2011 7:40:37 PM Subject: Re: People Just Don't Get It  Personally, I don't let on to people outside my circle of safe people that my parents aren't the Cleavers. For one thing, it's not their business or concern and for another, I don't like the typical reaction. Trying to " explain " the situation to people who don't know me well just comes across as a bunch of excuses - and the people who know mr well don't require much of an explanation. They seem to understand that some seriously bad juju must have gone down for me to keep my distance from my own parents. In situations like the one with the realtor, I pretend to have missed the inference. Who cares what the realtor thinks, anyway? He/she is really only qualified to comment on the saleability of your property - not your family relationships and life history. Gold jacket be damned. > > > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an >albatross > > > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) >and > > > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth >I > > > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was >hesitant > > > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other >things. > > > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > > gone. > > > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > > the moment passed. > > > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 You've explained it very well. This should be printed up on little cards that we can pass out to people who don't understand why we don't go gaga over mama. > I wonder if it would make any difference to say, if I have to, something like, " I wish I could love my mom, but she has personality disorder; when I try to get close to her she has this need to hurt me. She loves me and hates me at the same time; its been that way my whole life. I feel safer when we don't have contact; its better for both of us, really. And yes, it really hurts and it makes me sad that I never really had a mom like other people do. " > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 I agree with you, . I don't even try to explain. I always end up looking like a bad daughter. > > > > > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > > > gone. > > > > > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > > > the moment passed. > > > > > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 yep the only time I htink the truth can safely come out is after nada has died or they come to you wondering what to do at a loss, but they have to be DESPERATE for an explanation or get away from nada to understand there is nothing you can do for her at times that is a healthy normal thing to do. proflaf Subject: Re: People Just Don't Get It To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Saturday, February 5, 2011, 9:56 AM  I agree with you, . I don't even try to explain. I always end up looking like a bad daughter. > > > > > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > > > gone. > > > > > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > > > the moment passed. > > > > > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 The thorn in my side lately has been suffering judgment from family and friends that haven't experienced it and cannot possibly get it. It's okay, they can think ill of me if they want to...they can choose judgment over compassion as I have learned in life that in order to survive, I can keep few friends and I have to routinely be used to letting people go. But I learned something - never again will I hear someone else's story and snap to quick judgment or tell them what to do or how to feel. Instead, I will listen...I will empathize and I will smile and reassure them non-judgmentally that they will be okay in time. I guess some lessons are harder than others to learn. That stereo-typical stigma attached to people who don't have a good relationship with their mother will follow me the rest of my days - that's just the cross I have to bear and if one would like to use that as judgment to keep their distance from me, it is truly their loss. They could not meet a kinder, more compassionate, kind and loving soul than me. By her terrible insulting and abusive ways - nada at least taught me that. She serves as the poster child for everything I will never let myself become. > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > It's pretty damn easy. > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > gone. > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > the moment passed. > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > Em > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 Yes; like you, I determined to be as little like my nada as humanly possible. She served as a negative example of how to treat people for both my Sister and for me. And the irony is that she does NOT get this. Sails right past her. -Annie > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > gone. > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > > the moment passed. > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > Em > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think if someone doesn't get it and tries to force feed you a happy family myth, they are not a safe person. And if they aren't a safe person, you don't need to feed the relationship. There are people - mainly close coworkers who I would rather not discuss it with but sometimes I have to - if they ask me what I gave my mother for Christmas or whateve - and if I was unsuccessful redirecting the conversation or if I just don't feel like glossing over it for their comfort then I usually say " My mother is mentally ill and so I can't share my life with her. " and then I say nothing more. And I usually walk away. Another option that I'm working up to is something like " My mother abused me when I was a child. " I want to say that because my T and I have worked so so so so hard getting me to see it as abuse, she says severe abuse. To me its just normal. I imagine I will still walk away though = because if they want to give me a lecture I don't want to be present. And if there is an awkward silence, I don't want to be present. And etc etc etc - basically I don't want to hear their opinion on child rearing or family ties. I have my own opinion. The only 2 exceptions are my T and my boyfriend - I try to tell them both everything. And this list. Or if a medical doctor needs to know in order to treat me. Otherwise, I don't need to share it. In a way, that moment of telling them I'm a motherless child- has become a litmus test for friendships - if someone believes I should forgive and forget or that she's my " m-o-o-o-ther, " then that's all I need to know and then I move on and forget the relationship. XOXO Girlscout On Sat, Feb 5, 2011 at 1:44 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Yes; like you, I determined to be as little like my nada as humanly > possible. She served as a negative example of how to treat people for both > my Sister and for me. And the irony is that she does NOT get this. Sails > right past her. > -Annie > > > > > > > > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found > out I > > > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > > > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an > albatross > > > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over > fees > > > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they > weren't) and > > > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > > > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > > > > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds > of > > > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from > birth I > > > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > > > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > > > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends > to > > > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > > > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I > was hesitant > > > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > > > > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has > passed > > > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > > > > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want > into > > > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other > things. > > > It's pretty damn easy. > > > > > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > > > > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle > and > > > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I > would > > > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > > > > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > > > > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is > obviously > > > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > > > gone. > > > > > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " > and > > > the moment passed. > > > > > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving > relationships > > > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > > > > > Em > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 {I think if someone doesn't get it and tries to force feed you a happy family myth, they are not a safe person. And if they aren't a safe person, you don't need to feed the relationship. } Amen, Girlscout! I can't improve on that! In the past, if someone did that, try to convince me of that, I would sustain the relationship just to try to prove I was right. It was useless. Not worth the effort. Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Took me a while to get back to this - sorry! I never bother explaining. The people who know me well understand because they've experienced some of her stunts. The ones who don't can go, well, you know what they can go do. I guess what really fascinates me about this is that MOTHER is some kind of sacred word in today's society - yeah, right. There are some wonderful mothers out there - and some rotten ones, too. The way I look at it is this: If a met a woman and didn't like her, nobody would think anything of it if I said, " nah, sorry, don't want to hang out with her, don't really like her. " But when it's the MOTHER. For shame!! In a message dated 2/4/2011 3:45:07 AM Eastern Standard Time, anuria-67854@... writes: I wonder if it would make any difference to say, if I have to, something like, " I wish I could love my mom, but she has personality disorder; when I try to get close to her she has this need to hurt me. She loves me and hates me at the same time; its been that way my whole life. I feel safer when we don't have contact; its better for both of us, really. And yes, it really hurts and it makes me sad that I never really had a mom like other people do. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 In a message dated 2/4/2011 8:12:23 AM Eastern Standard Time, hermitsdaughter@... writes: Wow, that was kind of rude of her to say that to you " I can see you've gotten over this. " It really wasn't her place to say that, very judgmental. It's true, as you say, people with " normal " relationships with their mothers, do not get it. Or put another way, people who don't necessarily have such a loving relationship but are content to be their mother's flying monkey and then see someone who refuses to play that role -- don't get it. And they resent us. > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > It's pretty damn easy. > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > gone. > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > the moment passed. > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > Em Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Sorry about that blank reply - geesh. It didn't bother me when she said that - she meant that I had come to terms with having to sell the family home, like the grieving process was over. If she only knew, lol. I was jumping for joy. In a message dated 2/4/2011 8:12:23 AM Eastern Standard Time, hermitsdaughter@... writes: Wow, that was kind of rude of her to say that to you " I can see you've gotten over this. " It really wasn't her place to say that, very judgmental. It's true, as you say, people with " normal " relationships with their mothers, do not get it. Or put another way, people who don't necessarily have such a loving relationship but are content to be their mother's flying monkey and then see someone who refuses to play that role -- don't get it. And they resent us. > > Long story short, Nada is in a nursing home with dementia and I found out I > can sell her condo and put the money into her income trust without > affecting her benefits. This will help me enormously as it is like an albatross > around my neck and I am constantly hassling with the association over fees > dating back to some they claim were unpaid three years ago (they weren't) and > worrying about insurance, having to go out there to check it, etc. > I probably should have rented it but it's been vacant for almost a year > because it has been very difficult for me to go there and do the kinds of > things I would need to do in order to rent it - probably because from birth I > was trained that Nada was the boss and so it felt strangely like I was > invading her privacy - even though she wasn't there. > Not to mention which, everything that has anything to do with her tends to > become a hassle - things go wrong for some odd reason. I have long > suspected that mental illness attracts it's own kind of ill luck. So I was hesitant > to rent it for fear that I would lose money to big repairs, etc. > > Anyway, I listed it with my realtor friend. I guess enough time has passed > because I am able to now go out there and go through her things without > compunction. Trashing, packing, etc. Putting family items I might want into > plastic tubs, bringing things I do want for sure home, tossing other things. > It's pretty damn easy. > > My realtor friend said: " I can see you've really gotten over this. " > > What she meant was the grief one would feel about having to dismantle and > sell their parent's home. I hemmed and hawed and told her, well, I would > have a different feeling if it was my childhood home, yada yada. > > But finally I just said, " You know, , I don't like my mother. " > > I made her cry! She had tears in her eyes. I felt so bad - she is obviously > a person who truly loves her elderly mom and will miss her when she's > gone. > > I joked around a bit about how " now you think I'm a heartless bitch " and > the moment passed. > > But once again it struck me - people who have really loving relationships > with their moms Just Don't Get It and they never will. > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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