Re: Brother admitted to hospital after realizing mom has BPD

[Guest guest]

I think these type of breakdowns are a pretty common occurrence, based on the

replies I've gotten to this thread. You lose some of your coping mechanisms,

like overeating, and have the FOG that surrounds so many KOs.

My brother is safely home (NOT with nada) at his loving girlfriend's house. I

think he is on the right path.

Just wanted to mention one additional thing in case it helps anyone out there:

in the the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental

Disorders (DSM-5) there will be a new class of bipolar called bipolar 3, which

is a manic episode triggered by an adverse reaction to an SSRI like prozac. My

friend who's a therapist told me about it and it sounds exactly like wheat

happened to my brother. So I am making sure my brother's doctors know about

bipolar 3, prozac, and the other drugs he was taking to adequately frame the

episode.

Thanks, as always for your support. This is such an amazing community!

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi,

> > > > >

> > > > > So my 20-something brother recently moved out of the house away from

> > our BPD mother. He lost 100 pounds (down to 300) and started school. He just

> > realized that he's been living in fear for his whole life because of his

> > upbringing, that he had been eating himself to death and heading down the

> > same slippery slope as our mom, and this triggered a nervous breakdown. The

> > police took him to the hospital this morning where he is undergoing

> > evaluation.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm glad he is there, as I think he can get the help he needs. He is

> > ranting in cliches and repeating himself, and hasn't slept in days. He's

> > also under the influence of a couple antidepressants and pot.

> > > > >

> > > > > I guess my question is, does anyone have experience with this type of

> > breakdown, specifically in relation to a kid of someone with BPD? I am not

> > sure what to do to help, as I live 2 states away with a family and job. I

> > had my own realizations about health, life, and BPD over the course of 3

> > years, which was easier to deal with as it did not come all at once. But

> > he's had an overwhelming Eureka moment caused by a bender/manic episode and

> > seemingly cannot recover from it.

> > > > >

> > > > > I joined this group in 2007 when I realized my mom had BPD, and I've

> > found it so helpful. This is the only place I can come for this new

> > challenge I'm dealing with. Thoughts and perspectives are welcome. Thank you

> > all so much for your insight.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's hospitalization

because it is so classic BPD:

How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done for him? "

More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising at all,

actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to happen.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hi,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So my 20-something brother recently moved out of the house away from

> > > our BPD mother. He lost 100 pounds (down to 300) and started school. He

just

> > > realized that he's been living in fear for his whole life because of his

> > > upbringing, that he had been eating himself to death and heading down the

> > > same slippery slope as our mom, and this triggered a nervous breakdown.

The

> > > police took him to the hospital this morning where he is undergoing

> > > evaluation.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm glad he is there, as I think he can get the help he needs. He is

> > > ranting in cliches and repeating himself, and hasn't slept in days. He's

> > > also under the influence of a couple antidepressants and pot.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I guess my question is, does anyone have experience with this type

of

> > > breakdown, specifically in relation to a kid of someone with BPD? I am not

> > > sure what to do to help, as I live 2 states away with a family and job. I

> > > had my own realizations about health, life, and BPD over the course of 3

> > > years, which was easier to deal with as it did not come all at once. But

> > > he's had an overwhelming Eureka moment caused by a bender/manic episode

and

> > > seemingly cannot recover from it.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I joined this group in 2007 when I realized my mom had BPD, and I've

> > > found it so helpful. This is the only place I can come for this new

> > > challenge I'm dealing with. Thoughts and perspectives are welcome. Thank

you

> > > all so much for your insight.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi BostonChic, that's great news your brother is out and doing better. Bipolar

3, eh? I'm glad they have that in the new DSM now and acknowledge that those

adverse SSRI reactions can happen. And " all we've done for him " ....wow, the

depths of delusion and denial can be astounding.

julie

>

> Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's hospitalization

because it is so classic BPD:

>

> How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done for him? "

>

> More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising at all,

actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to happen.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm not a psychologist, but from what I've been reading it seems to me that you

are describing " trauma bonding " .

Trauma bonding happens when a person is powerless (such as a child or a kidnap

victim) and in the care or control of someone (such as a parent or kidnapper)

who alternately attacks, hurts and terrifies the child, then rescues the child

and is friendly. Alternately, back and forth, your torturer becomes your

rescuer, your hero becomes your attacker: this creates a trauma bond and its

apparently like epoxy glue even though it is a toxic, unhealthy bond.

Having a parent with borderline personality disorder who is of the Queen/Witch

variety would be highly likely to produce a trauma bond.

I believe that's what happened in my case and my Sister's. I was mostly

" golden " but our nada would suddenly and unexpectedly turn on me, scream at me

in anger, physically assault me, traumatize me, and then morph back into " the

Good Mother " again, over and over and over. I became deeply enmeshed or

trauma-bonded with her, and my Sister did also to a lesser degree. Sister was

mostly the " all-bad " , scapegoated child, so she had less of a " carrot " or reward

for becoming attached to nada.

So, maybe this is something to consider discussing with your therapist.

My own experience is that total No Contact has been necessary in order to

" detox " from the unhealthy bond and achieve a more healthy emotional distance

from my persecutor/rescuer. My No Contact has been ongoing for about 3 years

now. I'd like to achieve a state of " compassionate detachment " or neutrality

concerning my feelings toward my nada in which I neither love her nor hate her,

which would allow me to resume contact, but I don't feel neural enough or strong

enough yet.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's

> > hospitalization because it is so classic BPD:

> > >

> > > How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done for

> > him? "

> > >

> > > More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising at

> > all, actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to happen.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie that is very interesting - perhaps because I was painted black for

life I never really had a hard time telling nada goodbye. i mean, it was

hard, but it was also kinda obvious that I had to do it.

On Sat, Feb 5, 2011 at 1:24 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I'm not a psychologist, but from what I've been reading it seems to me that

> you are describing " trauma bonding " .

>

> Trauma bonding happens when a person is powerless (such as a child or a

> kidnap victim) and in the care or control of someone (such as a parent or

> kidnapper) who alternately attacks, hurts and terrifies the child, then

> rescues the child and is friendly. Alternately, back and forth, your

> torturer becomes your rescuer, your hero becomes your attacker: this creates

> a trauma bond and its apparently like epoxy glue even though it is a toxic,

> unhealthy bond.

>

> Having a parent with borderline personality disorder who is of the

> Queen/Witch variety would be highly likely to produce a trauma bond.

>

> I believe that's what happened in my case and my Sister's. I was mostly

> " golden " but our nada would suddenly and unexpectedly turn on me, scream at

> me in anger, physically assault me, traumatize me, and then morph back into

> " the Good Mother " again, over and over and over. I became deeply enmeshed or

> trauma-bonded with her, and my Sister did also to a lesser degree. Sister

> was mostly the " all-bad " , scapegoated child, so she had less of a " carrot "

> or reward for becoming attached to nada.

>

> So, maybe this is something to consider discussing with your therapist.

>

> My own experience is that total No Contact has been necessary in order to

> " detox " from the unhealthy bond and achieve a more healthy emotional

> distance from my persecutor/rescuer. My No Contact has been ongoing for

> about 3 years now. I'd like to achieve a state of " compassionate detachment "

> or neutrality concerning my feelings toward my nada in which I neither love

> her nor hate her, which would allow me to resume contact, but I don't feel

> neural enough or strong enough yet.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's

> > > hospitalization because it is so classic BPD:

> > > >

> > > > How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done for

> > > him? "

> > > >

> > > > More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising

> at

> > > all, actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to

> happen.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Annie made an interesting observation about trauma bonding. I've heard of a

similar phenomenon call Stockholm syndrome in which kidnapped people bond and

identify with their captor, maybe it's the same thing.

And espresso beany also has a good point about men and women handling things

differently. I think my brother bottled up a lot of emotion whereas I threw

candlesticks at nada.

This has been a challenging experience for me to say the least. The insights of

the group have helped me to see that my brother was most likely dealing with

different issues than me. While some things were the same (e.g., when we each

met our partner's mother, we asked our partner, " is she always this nice? " ) but

he likely has very different issues related to the FOG that surrounds us. And

consequently, he may end up with a different relationship than I have with my

nada (LC). And that's fine because we each experienced the hurricane that is our

queen/which mother differently.

BostonChic

> > > > >

> > > > > Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's

> > > > hospitalization because it is so classic BPD:

> > > > >

> > > > > How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done for

> > > > him? "

> > > > >

> > > > > More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising

> > at

> > > > all, actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to

> > happen.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

For further information on Trauma Bonds, see " The Betrayal Bond " by Carnes. I'm

reading it now. What an eye opener! It explains a whole lot.

Cricket

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Oh, and I had to add one thing nada said about my brother's

> > > > > hospitalization because it is so classic BPD:

> > > > > >

> > > > > > How could your brother have done this to us, after all we've done

for

> > > > > him? "

> > > > > >

> > > > > > More like all you've done TO him!!! How indeed, it's not surprising

> > > at

> > > > > all, actually. The only surprising thing is it took this long to

> > > happen.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

A trauma bond forms when individuals share a traumatic event together; so it can

be a good bond (like soldiers who become very loyal to and protective of each

other under combat conditions, like brothers) or it can be a bad bond, like " The

Stockholm Syndrome " . But the term " betrayal bond " is perhaps more accurate when

the bond is toxic. That's when a victim becomes extremely attached, even

addicted, to the person(s) who hurt him or her.

" What Causes Stockholm Syndrome? "

Individuals can succumb to Stocholm Syndrome under the following four key

circumstances:

* The captor has total power over the captive including (a) the captive's basic

survival needs: food, water, air, movement (being tied or caged), shelter,

voiding waste, etc., and ( the literal power of life or death over the

captive. When the all-powerful captor controls the captive's means of survival

and frequently threatens harm or death, it forces the captive or prisoner into a

state of utter, abject infant-like dependence on their captor.

* Prolonged isolation from anyone but the captors.

* Belief that escape is impossible.

* Inflating the captor's intermittent acts of kindness or simply a temporary

lull in the abuse into a belief that the captor genuinely cares for the

prisoner's welfare.

Likely victims include:

* Battered/Abused Children

* Battered/Abused Women

* Prisoners of War

* Cult Members

* Incest Victims

* Criminal Hostage Situations

* Concentration Camp Prisoners

* Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

* Kidnapped Victims / Stolen Children

People suffering from Stockholm syndrome come to identify with and even care for

their captors in a desperate, usually unconscious act of self-preservation *and

its effects usually do not end when the crisis or the captivity ends.*

Why does this happen? Becoming abjectly, totally helpless, totally dependent

and under the complete control of someone who actually has the power of life or

death over you and who frequently threatens you with harm or death, can trigger

a person's long-buried, subconscious infant bonding process as a survival

mechanism. The captive subconsciously regresses to an infant state and begins

to view his captor as his parent, and begins to bond with (i.e. sympathize with,

or " love " ) their captor.

**************

It seems to me that many of the behaviors and traits of bpd, such as the rapid

mood swings, the constant irritability or sudden extreme and inappropriate anger

that can result in physical abuse, viewing the child as alternately all-good and

then all-bad, the lack of impulse control, the suicide threats/attempts or

self-harming behaviors, the cognitive distortion (having a mostly negative

interpretation of incoming information and communications) all alternating with

periods of normal behavior are pretty much a recipe for creating trauma

/betrayal bonds between a bpd parent and their child.

It seems to me that the child in such cases is doomed to a trauma /betrayal bond

with such a parent.

-Annie

>

>

>

> Annie made an interesting observation about trauma bonding. I've heard of a

similar phenomenon call Stockholm syndrome in which kidnapped people bond and

identify with their captor, maybe it's the same thing.