Re: Re: Mom with bpd, I need help!

[Guest guest]

Wow, I just don't know what to say. You need so much help. Your nada sounds a

lot like mine with  similar demanding behaviors. When I was about your age my

husband had me start a journal listing the time of day I wanted to call to

" check in " and what I hoped to gain from it, then what actually happened and how

I felt afterward. It was amazing how it cut the phone calls from daily to weekly

and even longer. You'll never break away unless you cut her off. It may sound

harsh, but she has no rules or boundaries, so you have to make your own.

Whatever you do, it's not enough, so why do anything? If you call every day or

every 5 months, the result is the same from her end. If she's worried something

might happen to her while she's alone, tell her to get medic alert.  Seems as if

you have a pattern with abusive husbands, and she is no different. You got rid

of them now it's time to minimize your exposure to the most abusive person in

your life. Time for you

to mourn her and enjoy your husband and children. It helps to post a list of

excuses by the phone or computer to use when she accuses you of neglect... " I was

out with my husband; Had to go to a school function that went overtime; too

tired from working so hard; took an extra shift " . Whatever it takes. When she

yells and screams, just say so sorry your upset and hang up. She  wants to suck

you up into her world. You can't change her, you can only change the way your

react to her. Hope this helps. maureen

>

>

> Hi Armyinlaw!

>

> A big welcome to you and let me start by saying out that the paragraph that

> starts " Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she

> starts by cutting the person out of her life completely . . . " could have

> been written by me. This is my mother--holding grudges, hating anyone who

> ever crossed her (accidental or not). And EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is out to

> get her and only SHE can do anything correctly.

>

> I am 48 and have had many, many health problems over the years that are

> either related to of affected by the stress of having a parent hating you,

> or worrying yourself to death they are going to get mad at you--they cut out

> everyone else that makes them angry, so we know they will do the same to us.

>

> I, too, was the child that mom counted on most of my life. For that, I was

> often allowed to have more " love " from her (less hate, anyway). We get so

> brainwashed to try to 'help' them when they are in need that we don't

> realize they have been baiting us to feel sorry for them. They don't really

> want our help--they just want our souls. They want us to be there for their

> pity parties; they want us riding shotgun to all their emotional dramas.

> This is sick--my own children never needed this much from me. That is a good

> clue for you.

>

> Now, here is where the 'tough love' comes in: she has manipulated you into

> letting down your boundaries to gain control over you. Now that you have

> identified this, it is up to you to draw some new boundaries. SHE WILL NOT

> BE HAPPY ABOUT ANY BOUNDARIES, and you will rip yourself up in deciding on

> them and enforcing them.

>

> But, before you even begin, list what is the most important in your life.

> I'll bet you kids and husband are on the top of that list. They are the ones

> you need to be nurturing, not your mom. You need to quit feeling sorry for

> her.

>

> So, write up that list, and while you are, think about all the time the old

> bat is taking from you, your husband and children. It's ok to get mad, it

> will help your resolve to take your life back. Talk with your husband--he

> sounds like a good man and can maybe help you clarify your feelings and your

> family needs.

>

> If you can't go no contact with her, you're going to have to limit your

> contact with her. Be firm--perhaps telling her your life is being adversely

> affected by the late nights and that you are only available for an hour

> between 9pm-10pm.

>

> Only YOU can stop this, and it's not a job for sissies. Your mother will

> hate you, at least for a little while, but there is no other way of getting

> your life back.

>

> And once you get free, DO NOT let her suck you back in again.

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> point where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> this point it doesn't look that way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> and she holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> never known a more negative person in my life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> nothing ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> never anything like this before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

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