Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Hey group, This may be a vent.... I am not quite sure. I have been dating someone now for about a month. He's a good person, but there are several aspects that bring about feelings within me. One (embarrassed to say this), he didn't tell me until 2 weeks in that he was seeing someone else and then 2 weeks later he tells me he lives with her. Second, I literally feel like we speak on different wavelengths. I do not feel like he listens or understands most of what I say, including how I feel about what he terms... " his situation " . Either way, back to my fleas. My major flea is to shutdown instead of communicating my thoughts. I will initially try to communicate them, when rebuffed I shut down and if pressed I get angry. He has seen me get angry twice. The first time I was pressing him to know why his dating situation was complicated and that's when I found out he lived with a woman. Yesterday, was very bad. I was very angry, because I didn't feel like he understood my feelings on his " situation " and as a part of this arrangement I often feel upset because he is so secretive about he and I. Thank goodness for insight. I talked with a very good male friend last night. Wonderful friend. He made a few statements to me indicating I was behaving in a way that isn't my typical behavior. I am not a yeller or a curser during arguments. I was also reminded of a past relationship that was very similar in nature and I eventually picked up spotaneously and left that relationship, because I was again behaving in a way that wasn't typical of me. Last night I told the guy that we would need to close this chapter. Unfortunately in the DC Metro area the ratio of women to men makes it a candyland for men. I think at one point the ratio was 4women to 1man. I am sure my poor track record with men seeing someone else is not that uncommon in this area. I have officially learned my lesson that I cannot handle seeing a man who is in a committed relationship with someone else. I cannot do it. In this time of NC from my Nada, I have been angry for some reason. Stressed by other obligations too. I wonder if fleas or something get exacerbated during NC? Thanks. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 You have every right to be angry and very disappointed in this man. He is, to put it bluntly, a cheating dog. He is cheating on the other woman he is living with and you are put in the position of " The Other Woman " which is not fair at all and of course dishonest. I'm sure his reasoning is 'if I told her I was living with another woman, she wouldn't date me at all' when you first went out. It has very little to do with your 'fleas'. Anyone who wound up in the position you're in would feel the same unless they had the morals of an alley cat and didn't care. That obviously is not you. You have a right to feel used also because you are in a sense. A very wise friend of mine who is like the mother I obviously never had has told me in the past 'feelings aren't right or wrong - they just are' so don't beat yourself up about your feelings for him. You feel what you feel and that's your right. Ask yourself this even though it will be painful. Do you really want a man who lies to you and cheats on his significant other? Since he cheated on her with you, he will cheat on you even if he throws her over. Bottom line is you can't trust this man and that's sadly the truth of it. It isn't my life, but if I were you I'd stay angry at him and end it. Do what is right for YOU though in all situations even if your feelings at the moment are deep for him and it hurts. I know it stinks, but if you think about it, there are better guys for you out there who won't do that. It may take time and you may have to look outside of D.C., but how about Virginia or land? Try an online dating site that is free such as www.plentyoffish.com or www.okcupid.com and find someone who is honest, decent, really wants a good relationship and isn't going to lie to you about something as important as this. That's my opinion for what it's worth. We as adult children of BPD's were taught that our feelings don't matter - only theirs do and we aren't supposed to have our own beliefs OR feelings. This simply is not true of course. KNOW that there is a great guy who IS right for you and you WILL find him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Agreed - dump him. Online dating is a great idea. The other idea I have is to get more involved with your passions and hobbies. If you explore your interests, you will meet other people who share them and maybe find true love. XOXO good luck I'm sorry about the douche bag guy. > > > You have every right to be angry and very disappointed in this man. He is, > to put it bluntly, a cheating dog. He is cheating on the other woman he is > living with and you are put in the position of " The Other Woman " which is > not fair at all and of course dishonest. I'm sure his reasoning is 'if I > told her I was living with another woman, she wouldn't date me at all' when > you first went out. It has very little to do with your 'fleas'. Anyone who > wound up in the position you're in would feel the same unless they had the > morals of an alley cat and didn't care. That obviously is not you. > > You have a right to feel used also because you are in a sense. > > A very wise friend of mine who is like the mother I obviously never had has > told me in the past 'feelings aren't right or wrong - they just are' so > don't beat yourself up about your feelings for him. You feel what you feel > and that's your right. > > Ask yourself this even though it will be painful. Do you really want a man > who lies to you and cheats on his significant other? Since he cheated on her > with you, he will cheat on you even if he throws her over. Bottom line is > you can't trust this man and that's sadly the truth of it. > > It isn't my life, but if I were you I'd stay angry at him and end it. Do > what is right for YOU though in all situations even if your feelings at the > moment are deep for him and it hurts. I know it stinks, but if you think > about it, there are better guys for you out there who won't do that. It may > take time and you may have to look outside of D.C., but how about Virginia > or land? Try an online dating site that is free such as > www.plentyoffish.com or www.okcupid.com and find someone who is honest, > decent, really wants a good relationship and isn't going to lie to you about > something as important as this. That's my opinion for what it's worth. We as > adult children of BPD's were taught that our feelings don't matter - only > theirs do and we aren't supposed to have our own beliefs OR feelings. This > simply is not true of course. KNOW that there is a great guy who IS right > for you and you WILL find him. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Sorry to be blunt, and to blow it for a fellow guy, but here goes. He is NOT a good person. He was dating another woman, living with her in fact, and dating you as well. He hid both of you from the other. Good deal if you can get it. But harldy what a good person would do. His situation, if I may be blunt, is that he is getting it in 2, ( that you know of ) places, and playing the game. How do you know you are the only other romantic interest he has? He is a cad. Dump his ass. You deserve to be treated better than that. If you really feel vindictive, call his live in and tell her to tell him you can t date him any more because his " situation " is so complicated. What an ass! Doug > > Hey group, > > This may be a vent.... I am not quite sure. > > I have been dating someone now for about a month. He's a good person, but there are several aspects that bring about feelings within me. One (embarrassed to say this), he didn't tell me until 2 weeks in that he was seeing someone else and then 2 weeks later he tells me he lives with her. Second, I literally feel like we speak on different wavelengths. I do not feel like he listens or understands most of what I say, including how I feel about what he terms... " his situation " . > > Either way, back to my fleas. My major flea is to shutdown instead of communicating my thoughts. I will initially try to communicate them, when rebuffed I shut down and if pressed I get angry. He has seen me get angry twice. The first time I was pressing him to know why his dating situation was complicated and that's when I found out he lived with a woman. Yesterday, was very bad. I was very angry, because I didn't feel like he understood my feelings on his " situation " and as a part of this arrangement I often feel upset because he is so secretive about he and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 right on, marilyn! Â i agree completely.. unless you are looking for a dishonest casual relationship like a friend who is not romantically involved i would say my good-byes to this one.. it is hard but could well be harder down the road when he tires of you and then, as marilyn says he'll cheat on you. Â this man is not ready for any kind of honesty or commitment and unless you can live with that i would look elsewhere.. again i think marilyn is right, there are guys out there who will treat you right.. and if you look and reach out i believe you will find a good one.blessings, ann Subject: Re: My fleas To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Monday, February 7, 2011, 6:26 AM Â You have every right to be angry and very disappointed in this man. He is, to put it bluntly, a cheating dog. He is cheating on the other woman he is living with and you are put in the position of " The Other Woman " which is not fair at all and of course dishonest. I'm sure his reasoning is 'if I told her I was living with another woman, she wouldn't date me at all' when you first went out. It has very little to do with your 'fleas'. Anyone who wound up in the position you're in would feel the same unless they had the morals of an alley cat and didn't care. That obviously is not you. You have a right to feel used also because you are in a sense. A very wise friend of mine who is like the mother I obviously never had has told me in the past 'feelings aren't right or wrong - they just are' so don't beat yourself up about your feelings for him. You feel what you feel and that's your right. Ask yourself this even though it will be painful. Do you really want a man who lies to you and cheats on his significant other? Since he cheated on her with you, he will cheat on you even if he throws her over. Bottom line is you can't trust this man and that's sadly the truth of it. It isn't my life, but if I were you I'd stay angry at him and end it. Do what is right for YOU though in all situations even if your feelings at the moment are deep for him and it hurts. I know it stinks, but if you think about it, there are better guys for you out there who won't do that. It may take time and you may have to look outside of D.C., but how about Virginia or land? Try an online dating site that is free such as www.plentyoffish.com or www.okcupid.com and find someone who is honest, decent, really wants a good relationship and isn't going to lie to you about something as important as this. That's my opinion for what it's worth. We as adult children of BPD's were taught that our feelings don't matter - only theirs do and we aren't supposed to have our own beliefs OR feelings. This simply is not true of course. KNOW that there is a great guy who IS right for you and you WILL find him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I agree with the others - don't settle for anything less than the best for yourself. We KOs have a hard time with this sometimes but you deserve an honest man. Buy yourself a huge bouquet of your favorite flowers and a box of chocolates on Feb. 14th. I love Doug's suggestion. You would be doing yourself and the other woman a huge favor by calling him out. Awesome. peace patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I agree so strongly with what the others have said here. This guy sounds to me like garbage. He also seems to be blowing off how you feel about " his situation " , which is a big red flag for me. You deserve stability & honesty. He is not even making an effort to provide that for you. Also, if this relationship did progress, would you be forever left wondering if he was cheating on you? I don't know... the whole thing just sends up red flags, and you deserve better! I'm going to guess that's probably not what you want to hear, but I would say RUN, don't walk, away from this jerk. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 I needed to hear every comment group! Thank you! Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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