Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a very very hurtful one. My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and so . . . . GLEEFUL As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this list that it DOES matter. Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. What a bitch. XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me ill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 That sounds like nada behavior. Everything has to be about them. If she'd let you tell your father herself, it would have been about you, not her so she stole the glory by telling him before you had a chance to do it yourself. Lying to you by agreeing to let you tell him when he got home sounds pretty typical too. They say what they need to say to get what they want. Then they pretend they never said it at all when we point out that they've lied. So what if they hurt others in the process? They're not concerned about that at best, or at worst they actually enjoy it. When you try to talk to them about it, they act like they can't understand why you're upset with them. (I'm not sure they are capable of undestanding, so maybe that's not entirely an act.) The look of glee when they do these things is the really hurtful part in my experience. At 09:24 AM 02/06/2011 Girlscout Cowboy wrote: >Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to >reprocess my >memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an >example of a >very very hurtful one. > >My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could >trying to earn >college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt >off. My dad >(the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > >My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While >he was gone >my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not >want to tell >him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my >effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear >nada agreed >and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > >Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my >scores at >him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so >excited and >so . . . . GLEEFUL > >As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO >SO SO hurt. I >wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit >with any of >my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just >glossed over it. >He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have >to tell this >list that it DOES matter. > >Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look >at this memory >with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. >She had to >steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. >If she could >have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. >But since she >couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and >inserted herself >between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and >wagged her tail >that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look >in her eyes. >What a bitch. > >XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. >It helps me >to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think >of what my >dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so >jealous of the >child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her >behavior makes me >ill. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 I agree: that was a very competitive thing for your nada to do, and it showed a sense of jealousy or envy and a mean, vindictive streak. And it was ingenious. On the surface, what your nada did would appear to be an innocently spontaneous act (you at first thought it must be a misunderstanding) but it was planned and quite malicious: she must have realized that she could use her " motherly pride " as an excuse. " oops! " Yes: " blurting out " your test scores ahead of you was deliberate, and a perfect cover to conceal that she actually enjoyed tricking you and stealing your thunder. She wanted to spoil that special moment for you; you were eagerly anticipating hearing the surprise and joy in your dad's voice, and it meant a lot to you, and she *knew* it. She deliberately took that from you and then laughed at you for it. No child/young person has even a twig's chance in hell of dealing with deliberate cruelty directed at her from her own mother, particularly when there is an enabling, weak, enmeshed dad in the picture (or no dad in the picture) as seems to be the case in virtually every member here. Lots of dishrag dads and missing dads, here. Most people cannot wrap their minds around the inconceivable, but it appears to be true that some of us actually were raised by a bully who lay in wait for us, enjoyed tormenting us and relished the hurt and confusion on our faces as they did it, just like any schoolyard bully, but oh so much worse because *its our own mother.* Me personally, I think that some of us were raised by creepy psychopaths, not just by bpds. Deliberate maliciousness, planned cruelty, sadistic pleasure in causing another pain: that's psychopathy/sociopathy. -Annie > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Girlscout, Reading this makes me want to cry. Seriously, it's just so similar to so many experiences I have had with my nada. I've been thinking the past few days about the things me and T discussed on Thursday, and how I deal with the emotions I've felt, particularly, sadness, caused by nada's actions. I just want you to know, I completely understand your sense of loss and grieving over all the things that, by right, should have been yours, that she stole. > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks guys - yeah she really enjoyed that. Nada's must love having kids - eazy access to a victim who will always lose at their games and society will always pretend that a mother's love can't be surpassed, bottled and heals all. HA! Though I think when they actually have to do work to keep their kids alive they might not love it. . . . B-i-t-c-h But you guys rock > > > Girlscout, > > Reading this makes me want to cry. Seriously, it's just so similar to so > many experiences I have had with my nada. > > I've been thinking the past few days about the things me and T discussed on > Thursday, and how I deal with the emotions I've felt, particularly, sadness, > caused by nada's actions. > > I just want you to know, I completely understand your sense of loss and > grieving over all the things that, by right, should have been yours, that > she stole. > > > > > > > > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of > a > > very very hurtful one. > > > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to > earn > > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was > gone > > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and > my > > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada > agreed > > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited > and > > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO > hurt. I > > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any > of > > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over > it. > > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell > this > > list that it DOES matter. > > > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this > memory > > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she > could > > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since > she > > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her > tail > > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her > eyes. > > What a bitch. > > > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps > me > > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > > ill. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Yes, I do. It was a complete grand slam for her--it wasn't just about hosing you up by stealing your thunder. She found a way she could also control the information flow, and his happy reaction would feed her emotional pit--so she was vicariously experiencing your joy with the good enough parent. Denying it from you fed her competitive need to be on top. Sorry, Girlscout. My nada has always done bitchy thing like this too. Since no one in my family is still willing to tell her anything anymore, mine now makes up gossip that she can " scoop " the rest of us about. It's more pathetic than anything else. > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 And if we ever complain to nada the answer we get is " Oh, you are being silly/ridiculous/immature. Just let it drop. I don't have time for your tantrums. " > > That sounds like nada behavior. Everything has to be about them. > If she'd let you tell your father herself, it would have been > about you, not her so she stole the glory by telling him before > you had a chance to do it yourself. Lying to you by agreeing to > let you tell him when he got home sounds pretty typical too. > They say what they need to say to get what they want. Then they > pretend they never said it at all when we point out that they've > lied. So what if they hurt others in the process? They're not > concerned about that at best, or at worst they actually enjoy > it. When you try to talk to them about it, they act like they > can't understand why you're upset with them. (I'm not sure they > are capable of undestanding, so maybe that's not entirely an > act.) > > The look of glee when they do these things is the really hurtful > part in my experience. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I never (until now) understood nada's enjoyment in stabbing me in the back either. Her jealousy towards me and fada was confusing to me and extremely hurtful. I remember thinking as a kid " why does she hate me so much? " or " why is she always angry at me? " And, " why is fada always apologizing for her? " Any opportunity nada got to grab the attention away from me, she pounced on it, and found joy in doing so. I relate to your entry. I'm also sorry this happened to you, me and probably everyone else on this site. Laurie In a message dated 2/6/2011 9:24:34 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, girlscout.cowboy@... writes: Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a very very hurtful one. My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and so . . . . GLEEFUL As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this list that it DOES matter. Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. What a bitch. XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me ill. [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Oh yes, the gossip - Nada loves loves loves her gossip. And the larger someone's problem, the greater her glee. > > > And if we ever complain to nada the answer we get is " Oh, you are being > silly/ridiculous/immature. Just let it drop. I don't have time for your > tantrums. " > > > > > > > That sounds like nada behavior. Everything has to be about them. > > If she'd let you tell your father herself, it would have been > > about you, not her so she stole the glory by telling him before > > you had a chance to do it yourself. Lying to you by agreeing to > > let you tell him when he got home sounds pretty typical too. > > They say what they need to say to get what they want. Then they > > pretend they never said it at all when we point out that they've > > lied. So what if they hurt others in the process? They're not > > concerned about that at best, or at worst they actually enjoy > > it. When you try to talk to them about it, they act like they > > can't understand why you're upset with them. (I'm not sure they > > are capable of undestanding, so maybe that's not entirely an > > act.) > > > > The look of glee when they do these things is the really hurtful > > part in my experience. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 GSC I finally learned not to ever tell nada anything. There was no lock on her mouth. The one that finally clinched it was a private feeling I shared with her about my Dad, from whom she was divorced for 20 years at the time. I shared my feelings about the fact that his children by his second marriage were treated differently than I had been. And stressed, look, I ll talk to Dad about this, when I m ready. I m not, so I m just sharing this with you. She swore faithfully that she would keep my secret private. And then of course, made a beeline for Dads business, barged in, ( they had been divorced for 20 years, remember, ) told him she had something urgent to tell him, and spilled her guts. She both put me in an awkward spot, and used it to castigate Dad yet again. See, everything is all about them. How does it make her feel, not me. What does SHE think should be done about it, not what do I want to do. When I confronted her about it, she was as self righteous as ever a BP can be. " Well, I just thought that was something that your Daddy should know about how he hurt his son. " Yes. He should. When his son was ready to discuss it with him and clear the air. Not because you wanted to beat him up with it, regardless how that act also hurt your son. Bitch. I never told her anything of signifigance again. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Until we learn never to play their games. That is how we win. Doug > > Thanks guys - yeah she really enjoyed that. Nada's must love having kids - > eazy access to a victim who will always lose at their games and society will > always pretend that a mother's love can't be surpassed, bottled and heals > all. HA! Though I think when they actually have to do work to keep their > kids alive they might not love it. . . . B-i-t-c-h > > But you guys rock > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Or the wounded , self righteous, well I was just doing what I thought was the right thing for YOU. Doug > > > > That sounds like nada behavior. Everything has to be about them. > > If she'd let you tell your father herself, it would have been > > about you, not her so she stole the glory by telling him before > > you had a chance to do it yourself. Lying to you by agreeing to > > let you tell him when he got home sounds pretty typical too. > > They say what they need to say to get what they want. Then they > > pretend they never said it at all when we point out that they've > > lied. So what if they hurt others in the process? They're not > > concerned about that at best, or at worst they actually enjoy > > it. When you try to talk to them about it, they act like they > > can't understand why you're upset with them. (I'm not sure they > > are capable of undestanding, so maybe that's not entirely an > > act.) > > > > The look of glee when they do these things is the really hurtful > > part in my experience. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Wow, unreal. That's something a mean child would do. She obviously couldn't handle that you and your dad had a special relationship that didn't center on her. My mother never let me get close to my father. If she ever saw us talking alone, she wanted to know what was being said, etc. > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 GS - this is the quintessential ko bpd story that perfectly exemplifies why we learn to never share anything with our nada. This is really at the core of the problems of growing up as a ko and, at the same time, is the hardest part to explain to those who don't get it. Thank you for so clearly writing out this story. I wish I could think of one episode that exemplifies this. I am sure they are there but I think I have blocked them out. I know there was a general change in nada that was overall very hurtful. I started applying myself in high school. My nada seemed to start to ignore me. She didn't come to my sports events very often anymore. She certainly didn't praise my academic efforts. I joke that I was the " dumb " one since my brothers were off-the-charts smart and I was just above average. I spent my life trying to be considered as smart as them but when I did start doing well, she ignored me and there certainly weren't any praises. It was as if nada was going to be damned to let me out of my " dumb " role she had put me in. These are the kinds of stories that, when I think of how they made me feel, I have overwhelming desires to hit nada. Is it just me? What are the rest of your " I wanted to smack nada " stories? patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 You're right, its difficult to get across to others who didn't live through this that being raised by a bpd momster is in a lot of ways like being raised by a 4-year-old child? How do you get across the idea that your own mother actually bullies you? Sets you up to fail? Takes things from you? Says ugly, untrue things about you to other family members/friends behind your back? Makes you cry just before an event you're participating in so you'll feel humiliated and ashamed? Deliberately makes you late for an event you're participating in? Forces you to do things you don't want to do (that are NOT in your own best interest) under threat of a beating or being screamed at or being told to leave her house? Who prevents you from spending time with your " good enough " parent? Who perceives YOU, her small child, as another adult: as her mommy, or as her bestest best friend and/or as her hated rival? Who tries to " take over " your friendships with your classmates or others your age? Who flirts with your boyfriends? Who tries to break up your marriage? Who makes efforts to groom and manipulate your children to be loyal to her? My nada did many of these things to me; other behaviors I've culled from the posts here. These Cluster B individuals, bottom line, are NOT parent material. The closest thing that describes what is going on in my nada's head, seems to me, is that she is a frustrated, mean, spoiled, little bully who discovered that pitching a tantrum got her exactly what she wanted, and when her body changed, her looks and having sex got her exactly what she wanted as well. My nada: a four-year-old in the body of an adult; a 4-year- old with a driver's license and a credit card. A 4-year-old with a husband and a baby. You don't hand an infant to a 4-year-old to raise. You don't even leave an infant *alone* with a 4-year-old, for pete's sake. Yet, that's what happened to me. -Annie > > GS - this is the quintessential ko bpd story that perfectly exemplifies why we learn to never share anything with our nada. This is really at the core of the problems of growing up as a ko and, at the same time, is the hardest part to explain to those who don't get it. Thank you for so clearly writing out this story. > > I wish I could think of one episode that exemplifies this. I am sure they are there but I think I have blocked them out. I know there was a general change in nada that was overall very hurtful. I started applying myself in high school. My nada seemed to start to ignore me. She didn't come to my sports events very often anymore. She certainly didn't praise my academic efforts. I joke that I was the " dumb " one since my brothers were off-the-charts smart and I was just above average. I spent my life trying to be considered as smart as them but when I did start doing well, she ignored me and there certainly weren't any praises. It was as if nada was going to be damned to let me out of my " dumb " role she had put me in. > > These are the kinds of stories that, when I think of how they made me feel, I have overwhelming desires to hit nada. Is it just me? What are the rest of your " I wanted to smack nada " stories? > > patinage > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Eloquent and well put, I am reading this with tears in my eyes for you, as well as for myself and all of us here. Thank god we have each other to listen and believe. > > > > GS - this is the quintessential ko bpd story that perfectly exemplifies why we learn to never share anything with our nada. This is really at the core of the problems of growing up as a ko and, at the same time, is the hardest part to explain to those who don't get it. Thank you for so clearly writing out this story. > > > > I wish I could think of one episode that exemplifies this. I am sure they are there but I think I have blocked them out. I know there was a general change in nada that was overall very hurtful. I started applying myself in high school. My nada seemed to start to ignore me. She didn't come to my sports events very often anymore. She certainly didn't praise my academic efforts. I joke that I was the " dumb " one since my brothers were off-the-charts smart and I was just above average. I spent my life trying to be considered as smart as them but when I did start doing well, she ignored me and there certainly weren't any praises. It was as if nada was going to be damned to let me out of my " dumb " role she had put me in. > > > > These are the kinds of stories that, when I think of how they made me feel, I have overwhelming desires to hit nada. Is it just me? What are the rest of your " I wanted to smack nada " stories? > > > > patinage > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I've been thinking about Lilliputians lately, about Gulliver tied down unable to move by these *tiny* people with all their ropes. I think being raised by a nada is kind of like that. They are mental toddlers, emotional toddlers yet with this terrible power over us just because we were born to them, they got the chance to put all these stupid ropes over us, and maybe we spend a lifetime trying to cut them all so we can finally get up walk away - or smash them if revenge minded. And all those people who " don't get it " ...who are fortunate enough not to, they don't understand about all those ropes. Can't see them. Can't imagine being born to a tyrranical toddler who ties you up emotionally/psychologically from being a baby onward so even once you are big moving and breaking free is so hard. But freedom IS OUR RIGHT! Girlscout, what your nada did was so childish, so stupid, so ridiculously spiteful! You know if you hadn't been her child and she hadn't been your mother, if what she did hadn't been so wounding, I'd just want to laugh at her for being so pathetic. I think we need to laugh at them....to balance out the tears. > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 There are so many " I just wanted to hit nada " stories.........Here's one: I took a week off to visit nada & fada out of state. I had just gotten my hair cut, short & spikey. We went to their club for dinner and had to wait for a table; sat at the bar. In front of numerous strangers at the bar, nada yells for all to hear, " doesn't my daughter look like a lesbian with that short hair?!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! " I have nothing against lesbians; I am not one. Just the shear joy she found in humiliating me in front of complete strangers was disgusting, confusing.........Naturally, fada said nothing in my defense. Laurie In a message dated 2/7/2011 11:32:31 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, patinage4me@... writes: GS - this is the quintessential ko bpd story that perfectly exemplifies why we learn to never share anything with our nada. This is really at the core of the problems of growing up as a ko and, at the same time, is the hardest part to explain to those who don't get it. Thank you for so clearly writing out this story. I wish I could think of one episode that exemplifies this. I am sure they are there but I think I have blocked them out. I know there was a general change in nada that was overall very hurtful. I started applying myself in high school. My nada seemed to start to ignore me. She didn't come to my sports events very often anymore. She certainly didn't praise my academic efforts. I joke that I was the " dumb " one since my brothers were off-the-charts smart and I was just above average. I spent my life trying to be considered as smart as them but when I did start doing well, she ignored me and there certainly weren't any praises. It was as if nada was going to be damned to let me out of my " dumb " role she had put me in. These are the kinds of stories that, when I think of how they made me feel, I have overwhelming desires to hit nada. Is it just me? What are the rest of your " I wanted to smack nada " stories? patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I'm sorry. I'm proud of you, that you worked that hard, got great grades. > > Through almost 6 months of therapy, I'm finally able to reprocess my > memories of my nada and see them for what they are. Here is an example of a > very very hurtful one. > > My junior year of High School, i took every AP class I could trying to earn > college credit. I loved the hard classes and I worked my butt off. My dad > (the " better " parent of the 2) encouraged me and was proud. > > My dad had to go out of town for work for about 10 days. While he was gone > my AP test scores came in the mail. I told my nada I did not want to tell > him my scores until I saw him. They were my scores, it was my effort and my > " moment. " I'm sure you can imagine where this is going. I swear nada agreed > and commited to my plan and promised not to tell him. > > Then Dad called. She grabed the phone and gleefully shouted my scores at > him. Her eyes were flashing like poison neon signs. She was so excited and > so . . . . GLEEFUL > > As a teen, I could never understand why she did this. i was SO SO SO hurt. I > wondered if she hadn't understood me. her doing that didn't fit with any of > my understanding of how a mother should behave. My dad just glossed over it. > He said it didn't matter who told him. of course, i don't have to tell this > list that it DOES matter. > > Now that I have you all and I have been to therapy I can look at this memory > with greater understanding. My mother did that intentionally. She had to > steal my moment because she was a jealous, competitive bitch. If she could > have changd my scores or made me fail, she would have done so. But since she > couldn't, she just cock blocked me in telling my dad and inserted herself > between me and my good enough parent. she danced around and wagged her tail > that she hurt me. She enjoyed it. I will never forget the look in her eyes. > What a bitch. > > XOXO - any thoughts? I can't believe I can see it this way now. It helps me > to think of BPDs as aggressive, competitive animals - i think of what my > dogs would do in a moment of jealousy. How sick to be so jealous of the > child that you are supposed to nurture. Remembering her behavior makes me > ill. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 There are a lot of things in the post bringing up old memories & feelings. First of all, Girlscout - what an awful thing for your nada to do. Unfortunately, it's all too typical for these BPD nadas... very arrogant, stealing their child's thunder & reaping the reward of someone else's excitement and hard work. I'm so sorry this happed to you. Doug also mentioned his feelings towards his father at the time regarding his half siblings being treated differently. Doug, as with Girlscout, what your nada did was unacceptable. However, I can also understand the feeling that you had at that time, I sometimes find myself feeling that way too. Please don't get me wrong, I love my half siblings SO so so so SO much! But yes, I guess part of me is hurt/jealous of the opportunities that my dad & step mom are providing & ensuring for them. What the heck happened to my opportunities? No, I would not take those opportunities away from the kids for myself, never. But it does tend to make me feel more like the black sheep, the child that no one cared enough about to do these sorts of things for. Example: College planning. Both kids have a college fund. Instead, I've had to scrimp, save & make HUGE sacrifices to go back to school and neither nada or fada seemed to care enough to even help me get into school! (Nada wouldn't even let me go to college right out of high school, wtf?!) My dad was not always a good dad. Now, I do believe he is. Now, we are closer and he does try his best to provide for & ensure my half sib's happiness & success. I'm glad he is doing that, but why the hell couldn't he have done that for me? Ok, I will shut the hell up now because this is upsetting me a bit more than I expected when I initially decided to post about it. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think it goes the other way too - ie their glee at our mishaps. Like when I was really struggling with a massive weight gain after the birth of my son and I shared that I was up to size " x " and mine said, oh that's the size I wear. Maybe I should send you sone of my clothes? In a very gleeful, snotty voice. You have to understand that my mother may WEAR that size but she should wear at least two sizes bigger... She said it just to hurt me and she enjoyed it. > > > > GS - this is the quintessential ko bpd story that perfectly exemplifies why we learn to never share anything with our nada. This is really at the core of the problems of growing up as a ko and, at the same time, is the hardest part to explain to those who don't get it. Thank you for so clearly writing out this story. > > > > I wish I could think of one episode that exemplifies this. I am sure they are there but I think I have blocked them out. I know there was a general change in nada that was overall very hurtful. I started applying myself in high school. My nada seemed to start to ignore me. She didn't come to my sports events very often anymore. She certainly didn't praise my academic efforts. I joke that I was the " dumb " one since my brothers were off-the-charts smart and I was just above average. I spent my life trying to be considered as smart as them but when I did start doing well, she ignored me and there certainly weren't any praises. It was as if nada was going to be damned to let me out of my " dumb " role she had put me in. > > > > These are the kinds of stories that, when I think of how they made me feel, I have overwhelming desires to hit nada. Is it just me? What are the rest of your " I wanted to smack nada " stories? > > > > patinage > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I'm so glad I found this group. I'm 44 now and was raised in a household with a BPD Mom and a BPD Grandmother. It's no surprise my grandfather became an alcoholic. I can relate to all of these stories. It sounds like we're talking about the same person. My mother used to spend massive amounts of money on designer clothes and shoes while I wore the neighbor's hand-me-downs. Luckily for me I figured out from a very early age that Mom and Gram were both sick puppies, and that the problem wasn't ME at all, but was THEM. As I got older I got pretty ballsy and I would " tell it like it is " with them and damn the consequences. Of course, I got punished for having a " fresh " mouth. My mother had left my father when I was a year old and moved in with Gram. Gram was forever acting like I owed her something for her taking us in. She didn't always feel like she was receiving the appropriate amount of worship. One day I just flat out told her, " Look- I didn't come waddling up here in my diaper at one year old and ask you for a place to stay. If you've got a problem with what you did, take that up with your daughter. That's between you and her, not you and me. " When Gram started to get Alzheimers, Mom wanted to push off her care on me. She came up with this " brilliant " plan about how my husband and I should move into Gram's house and take care of her, and when Gram died I could have the house. She said this in the middle of a little get-together with non-related, normal people around, so I knew Mommie Dearest wouldn't show her self-righteous defensive side around them. I responded with a big flourish, like a stand-up comedian, and said " Oh, I've got an even better idea. Why don't you just take out a gun and shoot me in the head now? My job in life is to take care of ONE old lady, and that's YOU. I'm not taking care of two. Taking care of Gram is YOUR job. And if you rag on me about not liking my hair one more time, when it's your turn to have Alzheimer's I'm picking the cheapest, lousiest nursing home for you that lets you sit in your own poop for a solid week. " Everyone was ROARING. I do that on purpose to bring attention to what she says, i.e. " Can you believe what this B* & $h just said to me now? I'm gonna have to check her, AGAIN. " My in-laws often tell me I should just cut her out of my life, but she's remarried to a really nice guy who I would never want to cut off from my son, so we just have this pattern of her getting out of her place a little bit, and I've got to push her back. The best thing that ever happened to me in life was getting old enough to be financially self-sufficient so I could get the hell away from her. And one of the BEST things about being a Mom myself is no longer having to drive 100 miles one way to go pay homage to the Queen Bees on Mother's Day. Ahhhhhhh! I'm a Mom now, so sorry- I'm not going to brunch with you honey. My husband will ask what I want to do on that day, and my response is always ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The best gift of all. Give me a hug and kiss, say Happy Mother's Day, and then go about your business so I can vegetate. There's so many lasting effects on me, though. Even now, if I have to speak up about something (not just Mom-related, but in all situations) I know that I did the right thing, but still agonize about having to do it. I'm constantly asking my husband for reassurance. " Did I do the right thing? Did I do the right thing? " I know deep down that I DID do the right thing, but there's always that nagging doubt that you never really get over. > > There are a lot of things in the post bringing up old memories & feelings. > First of all, Girlscout - what an awful thing for your nada to do. > Unfortunately, it's all too typical for these BPD nadas... very arrogant, > stealing their child's thunder & reaping the reward of someone else's > excitement and hard work. I'm so sorry this happed to you. > > Doug also mentioned his feelings towards his father at the time regarding > his half siblings being treated differently. Doug, as with Girlscout, what > your nada did was unacceptable. However, I can also understand the feeling > that you had at that time, I sometimes find myself feeling that way too. > > Please don't get me wrong, I love my half siblings SO so so so SO much! But > yes, I guess part of me is hurt/jealous of the opportunities that my dad & > step mom are providing & ensuring for them. What the heck happened to my > opportunities? No, I would not take those opportunities away from the kids > for myself, never. But it does tend to make me feel more like the black > sheep, the child that no one cared enough about to do these sorts of things > for. Example: College planning. Both kids have a college fund. Instead, > I've had to scrimp, save & make HUGE sacrifices to go back to school and > neither nada or fada seemed to care enough to even help me get into school! > (Nada wouldn't even let me go to college right out of high school, wtf?!) > > My dad was not always a good dad. Now, I do believe he is. Now, we are > closer and he does try his best to provide for & ensure my half sib's > happiness & success. I'm glad he is doing that, but why the hell couldn't > he have done that for me? > > Ok, I will shut the hell up now because this is upsetting me a bit more than > I expected when I initially decided to post about it. > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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