Therapist suggestion upsetting me -- sorry, long

[Guest guest]

Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I am

supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write this--I

don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a pretty

deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about why I

am having such a visceral negative reaction?

[Guest guest]

Oh that's interesting - My T didn't say that but I did do something kind of

similar on my own. My littlest dog became my " doll " and she represents me

now and when i take care of her I feel like I'm taking care of myself.

I wonder if you could use something other than a doll to achieve the same

end.

XO

>

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

> mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

> thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

> " duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with

> her without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and

> the things I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still

> broken. The social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of

> trust in people and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a

> person apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in

> place, but she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and

> process it. She says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to

> keep boundaries without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.'

> I am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I

> write this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so

> this is a pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any

> thoughts about why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<<<Echo>>>

I know this sounds trite, but it seems like it's just too painful for you to

face that little kid part of yourself.

My T made a similar suggestion to the one yours made. She asked me, when I was

alone, to talk to 6 year-old me. To talk to her and ask her why she felt so

lonely and in pain. I didn't do it. I can't do it. It's just too much. I think

I'm afraid of what I'll find out, what she'll " tell " me, you know?

Do you think you'll try what your T suggested?

Fiona

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

First of all, I commend you on the progress you are making so far. Therapy can

be hard, gut-wrenching work! Good job.

One exercise that helped me tremendously was in the SWOE-WB, and had to do with

writing a letter to myself as a child. We didn't get the unconditional love we

needed growing up, and we are trained to give to everyone else first. It's hard

to learn that our needs are important. Doing that exercise was really healing

for me because I was able to talk to that little girl, comfort her, encourage

her, and tell her all the things I needed someone to say to me when I was little

and confused and hurting. I was able to finally accept how much pain I had

really been in, and I was able to give myself the love and support I needed.

It seems (as others have said) that the doll exercise is intended to help you do

something similar. I imagine that there are other ways to achieve the same end,

if the idea of a doll is really that repulsive to you. Have you considered

asking your T if another toy--such as a stuffed animal--would work instead?

Good luck with the exercise!

[Guest guest]

My T didn't suggest a doll, but did tell me to imagine myself as a small child

and to mentally give my child self a hug and tell " her " all of the things my

nada and fada never said. I have done it a few times and it really does help.

Maybe suggest to your T that you do the exercise mentally? Good luck to you.

-Danyale

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

I agree that there are other ways to do that exercise. Like Girl Scout, I

thought of my little cats as my babies and I treated them the way I wish I'd

been treated. I didn't scream at them and terrorize them when they made a mess

somewhere (long-haired cats will get hairballs even if you brush them often); I

just said " Oops! Let's clean that up! " in a normal voice. I treated them

gently; little pets have feelings too.

I think my nada had/has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder on top of her

Cluster B disorders and messes really triggered her. She'd yell and rant and

scream at me to release her tension and make herself feel better (like venting

steam that has built up too much pressure) but being screamed at upset me

horribly when I was little. I was a jittery, nervous wreck by age 4.

" Mothering " my pets isn't exactly like the therapy exercise described, but, it

was very satisfying for me.

-Annie

> >

> > Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

> >

> > I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

> >

> > OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

> >

> > Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can honestly see how this doll assingment would make you uncomfortable, I

think I'd feel weird with it too. Ask her if you can substitute another

item you think you would be more comfortable with. Maybe a stuffed animal?

Or something that you can make yourself if you're into crafty stuff. Or

what about a piece of jewelry or something of that nature that makes you

feel safe? Just some ideas I had when I read your post. Maybe talk to your

T about it? I don't think you should ever do something you're uncomfortable

with, so she may have another type of homework assignment for you that will

bring about similar results?

I haven't had this assignment, but I have had others with other objects

(like jewelry, rosary, etc) that I've been told to keep on my person or near

my bed when I'm sleeping... something I can hold in my hand that helps

represent safety.

Jaie from this group had suggested I do the " i love you " thing while looking

in the mirror. that is REALLY hard for me. I meant to talk to my T about

it the last time I was there but I ran out of time. I'll have to bring it

up this week.

Mia

>

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

> mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

> thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

> " duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with

> her without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and

> the things I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still

> broken. The social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of

> trust in people and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a

> person apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in

> place, but she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and

> process it. She says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to

> keep boundaries without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.'

> I am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I

> write this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so

> this is a pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any

> thoughts about why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, but not with dolls. Just with visualization.

So if dolls don t work for you, get a Teddy Bear! The idea is to say

to that scared , hurt, little girl riding inside your emotions, it s ok

hon, I m a big girl, and I ve got it now. You don t have to anymore.

I won t say there will be no tears in this process. I will say that not

all tears are evil.

It IS very visceral. Those emotions are deep, and primitive. They are

close to where you live, because that little girl didnt get the nurture

she deserved and craved, and she is very scared and hurt. Her mom can t

comfort her.

You can. Let her go. Let her be the kid, and let go and let the

emotions grow up into....you.

Heal , baby.

May we all heal.

Doug

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more

of a mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling

of " duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be

social with her without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood

manipulations and the things I was denied, and the things she pulled out

of me that are still broken. The social phobias I can't beat that she

created in me. My lack of trust in people and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a

person apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my

boundaries in place, but she says the hatred will damage me if I don't

get it out and process it. She says if I do the process work, I will get

healthy enough to keep boundaries without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents

'me.' I am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying

as I write this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child,

too, so this is a pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this

assignment? Or any thoughts about why I am having such a visceral

negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

That is so familiar and difficult too. I find any kind of inner child work

pretty tough. I saw a shaman once who gave me this little plastic baby that was

to represent my baby self that I was supposed to nurture - like your therapist

wants you to do with the doll. I tried to make myself do it, but found

tremendous resistance in myself and just put it away out of sight. I've had a

little more luck with imagining going back in time and talking to my child at

different critical moments in time. Easier, but still difficult.

I'd say take it easy on yourself knowing that the measure of your resistance to

doing this is probably equal to how much pain you have from then. Nobody says

we've got to process it all in one go, just as we are ready a bit at a time.

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

You never received the proper love, affection and caring as a child. So turning

to your inner child, and " going there " is going to be hard.

The same suggestion has been made to me, and I have a very strong feeling of

avoidance to do it, which makes me think that it IS something that I need to do.

Just like your tears tell you that it is something, at some point, needs to be

done.

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

This isn't quite the same, but I had a dream once that sort of mirrors this.

I was with some friends and had to go to the bathroom and went into this house

that had two old women in it. They were really nice and invited us in, offered

lemonade and we all took turns using the restroom. While I was waiting, I saw

tons of cash sitting out on the table, like a temptation. They brought cookies

and drinks and were really nice. Then when they went upstairs to do something I

got this horrible feeling in my stomach. Something wasn't right. And there was a

little girl there, sitting in a corner, under a table. I realized she wasn't

talking. I sat down next to her, and she said " we'll never get out of here. " And

I said " I know. " And I realized the women weren't going to let us leave. I later

fought my way out of there with the little girl (friends having disappeared

during the fight), and we ran out the front door. Something about the light from

outside made the old women back away and we left.

Only after I woke up did I realize the little girl was me. I had to go in and

rescue her. So my thought is that there is something very primal and possibly

universal about going back to our childhood selves somehow. My dream came to me

when I was ready, though it was still deeply emotional, and maybe there will be

a time when you're ready too and maybe it's not right now or not in this way.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

very well said, and i agree completely.. let the feelings flow when you can,

when it feels safe and that is how you will slowly heal i think.  and may we

all heal indeed,ann

Subject: Re: Therapist suggestion upsetting me -- sorry,

long

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, February 7, 2011, 9:25 PM

 

Yes, but not with dolls. Just with visualization.

So if dolls don t work for you, get a Teddy Bear! The idea is to say

to that scared , hurt, little girl riding inside your emotions, it s ok

hon, I m a big girl, and I ve got it now. You don t have to anymore.

I won t say there will be no tears in this process. I will say that not

all tears are evil.

It IS very visceral. Those emotions are deep, and primitive. They are

close to where you live, because that little girl didnt get the nurture

she deserved and craved, and she is very scared and hurt. Her mom can t

comfort her.

You can. Let her go. Let her be the kid, and let go and let the

emotions grow up into....you.

Heal , baby.

May we all heal.

Doug

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more

of a mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling

of " duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be

social with her without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood

manipulations and the things I was denied, and the things she pulled out

of me that are still broken. The social phobias I can't beat that she

created in me. My lack of trust in people and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a

person apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my

boundaries in place, but she says the hatred will damage me if I don't

get it out and process it. She says if I do the process work, I will get

healthy enough to keep boundaries without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents

'me.' I am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying

as I write this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child,

too, so this is a pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this

assignment? Or any thoughts about why I am having such a visceral

negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

your dream gave me chills and inspired me to pick up and hug the real

girlscout

>

>

> This isn't quite the same, but I had a dream once that sort of mirrors

> this.

>

> I was with some friends and had to go to the bathroom and went into this

> house that had two old women in it. They were really nice and invited us in,

> offered lemonade and we all took turns using the restroom. While I was

> waiting, I saw tons of cash sitting out on the table, like a temptation.

> They brought cookies and drinks and were really nice. Then when they went

> upstairs to do something I got this horrible feeling in my stomach.

> Something wasn't right. And there was a little girl there, sitting in a

> corner, under a table. I realized she wasn't talking. I sat down next to

> her, and she said " we'll never get out of here. " And I said " I know. " And I

> realized the women weren't going to let us leave. I later fought my way out

> of there with the little girl (friends having disappeared during the fight),

> and we ran out the front door. Something about the light from outside made

> the old women back away and we left.

>

> Only after I woke up did I realize the little girl was me. I had to go in

> and rescue her. So my thought is that there is something very primal and

> possibly universal about going back to our childhood selves somehow. My

> dream came to me when I was ready, though it was still deeply emotional, and

> maybe there will be a time when you're ready too and maybe it's not right

> now or not in this way.

>

> Sandy

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The doll activity reminded me of a powerful imagery technique I did, I think it

was in the SWOE workbook, that has a similar goal. So I want to describe it here

in case anyone wants to try it. Apologies if I am misrepresenting the activity

or its source, my memory 3.5 years after doing it is somewhat faulty.

You see a baby, and she's trapped in a car! It's a hot day, and you can't get

her out! You are so torn about what to do -- maybe bash in the window, or run

somewhere to call 911.

How do you feel? Angry at the baby's parents? Helpless about the situation? How

do you think the baby feels?

Now, imagine that baby is you in relation to your BPD parent. You were trapped

in that situation, helpless to get out, and the person who should have helped

you was too ill to do so.

Talk to that baby in the car. Tell her it's not your fault for being trapped in

the car. It will turn out OK eventually, I know you're scared now but it will

get better. I will save you.

>

> This isn't quite the same, but I had a dream once that sort of mirrors this.

>

> I was with some friends and had to go to the bathroom and went into this house

that had two old women in it. They were really nice and invited us in, offered

lemonade and we all took turns using the restroom. While I was waiting, I saw

tons of cash sitting out on the table, like a temptation. They brought cookies

and drinks and were really nice. Then when they went upstairs to do something I

got this horrible feeling in my stomach. Something wasn't right. And there was a

little girl there, sitting in a corner, under a table. I realized she wasn't

talking. I sat down next to her, and she said " we'll never get out of here. " And

I said " I know. " And I realized the women weren't going to let us leave. I later

fought my way out of there with the little girl (friends having disappeared

during the fight), and we ran out the front door. Something about the light from

outside made the old women back away and we left.

>

> Only after I woke up did I realize the little girl was me. I had to go in and

rescue her. So my thought is that there is something very primal and possibly

universal about going back to our childhood selves somehow. My dream came to me

when I was ready, though it was still deeply emotional, and maybe there will be

a time when you're ready too and maybe it's not right now or not in this way.

>

> Sandy

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for the opinions. I think I am going to do the doll therapy,

eventually, but now I realize I do not have to do this 'now.'

For whatever reason, I think to whole doll thing is extremely significant (as

opposed to a puppy or even a teddy bear). She says I'll know it when I see it. I

found something called a 'my twin' doll--maybe I'll save up to buy one that

looks like me as a child (creepy--but this way I can procrastinate a while).

Believe me, I would much rather locate a bouvier puppy to replace my sweet boy I

buried last summer, but that would be too easy for me and I would end up not

doing the process work--I'd just focus on raising the pup!

Some of your words made me look at my interaction with my daughter and my girl

dogs. I have always had an easier time nurturing my son or my dog boys. I always

thought the girls were more complicated but now I am wondering if the problem

was always just me and my fears, my being crippled by an early life at nada's

knee.

Something else to think about and I am not sure I want to face that, either.

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for posting this Sandy. :*)

> >

> > This isn't quite the same, but I had a dream once that sort of mirrors this.

> >

> > I was with some friends and had to go to the bathroom and went into this

house that had two old women in it. They were really nice and invited us in,

offered lemonade and we all took turns using the restroom. While I was waiting,

I saw tons of cash sitting out on the table, like a temptation. They brought

cookies and drinks and were really nice. Then when they went upstairs to do

something I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. Something wasn't right. And

there was a little girl there, sitting in a corner, under a table. I realized

she wasn't talking. I sat down next to her, and she said " we'll never get out of

here. " And I said " I know. " And I realized the women weren't going to let us

leave. I later fought my way out of there with the little girl (friends having

disappeared during the fight), and we ran out the front door. Something about

the light from outside made the old women back away and we left.

> >

> > Only after I woke up did I realize the little girl was me. I had to go in

and rescue her. So my thought is that there is something very primal and

possibly universal about going back to our childhood selves somehow. My dream

came to me when I was ready, though it was still deeply emotional, and maybe

there will be a time when you're ready too and maybe it's not right now or not

in this way.

> >

> > Sandy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

In my healing process I have hugged myself. Just wrapped my arms around myself

the tightest I could and told myself I am going to be ok. For me it was loving

myself and comforting myself. I don't think I could of done the doll or teddy

thing. I hugged the adult me for all I had been through as a child for making

it. I also use to visualise myself being attached to Nada's umbilical chord as

a baby and watching it be cut and I was free. Floating away to become me and no

connection to her.

Different things work for different people. I suppose we just have to find what

works for us. I think even therapists don't know the best for us we do. I

don't think we have to do things that don't feel right. Just find something

that does.

Kazam x

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, and I'm glad you found something that works for you!

-Annie

> >

> > Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

> >

> > I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

> >

> > OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

> >

> > Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kazam,

I really like your analogy of cutting the umbilical cord....just what I needed

to hear today. Thanks.

> >

> > Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

> >

> > I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

> >

> > OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

> >

> > Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Woh - that is heavy stuff...

i had the oddest thought-sensation reading that about the trapped baby

scenario...and became aware that even my reaction wasn't entirely normal...it

goes like this...

i see the baby trapped in the car...and i feel safe, calm, because the baby is

in the car, trapped in a warm bubble of mute sensation, the window is tightly

shut, the doors are locked, but even in that state the baby is much safer INSIDE

the car, than outside with NADA...or inside if NADA was inside the car with

Baby...so please stay there Baby...no one can hurt you as much as the one who is

outside... "

it made me realise how the numb, trapped feeling that we can be so habitually

used to experiencing (disassociating form the reality) is anaesthetising the

pain of facing the trauma of being a nonBP child..............I'd rather watch

the baby suffocate in the car than expose it to the toxic dangers of Nada...

it is scary to pinpoint the extent of how brainwashed i have been.

Thanks to Sandy for sharing your dream about the mirror. I felt sick reading it

as I knew what was coming before I read it.

I had a similar type dream once it still haunts me.

Sometimes I deliberately recall the scary dreamm to force me to continue to make

positive progress!

> >

> > This isn't quite the same, but I had a dream once that sort of mirrors this.

> >

> > I was with some friends and had to go to the bathroom and went into this

house that had two old women in it. They were really nice and invited us in,

offered lemonade and we all took turns using the restroom. While I was waiting,

I saw tons of cash sitting out on the table, like a temptation. They brought

cookies and drinks and were really nice. Then when they went upstairs to do

something I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. Something wasn't right. And

there was a little girl there, sitting in a corner, under a table. I realized

she wasn't talking. I sat down next to her, and she said " we'll never get out of

here. " And I said " I know. " And I realized the women weren't going to let us

leave. I later fought my way out of there with the little girl (friends having

disappeared during the fight), and we ran out the front door. Something about

the light from outside made the old women back away and we left.

> >

> > Only after I woke up did I realize the little girl was me. I had to go in

and rescue her. So my thought is that there is something very primal and

possibly universal about going back to our childhood selves somehow. My dream

came to me when I was ready, though it was still deeply emotional, and maybe

there will be a time when you're ready too and maybe it's not right now or not

in this way.

> >

> > Sandy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe--

I have a thought. Maybe it would be easier if you took smaller steps?

From my healing path: I had completely disconnected from " me " as a child. She

(me as a child) was an absolute stranger to me, and she was awkward and shameful

besides. (Nada's opinion of me kicking in there).

To make matters worse, to claim myself as my own was the most shameful, horrible

thing in the world. Growing up, I was under nada's complete ownership, and to

question her ownership (even subtely) was seen as a black, evil offense.

Therefore, any independence, sense of self, or ability to claim " ownership " over

me was absolutely disallowed, with severe punishment to back it up.

So, my little girl self 1) was a complete stranger, 2) was awkward and

embarrassing, and 2) never " belonged " to me.

In these circumstances, it would have felt odd and very wrong to take her over,

even if it meant nurturing and caring for. I would have felt a bit like a

kidnapper who didn't have the sense to get a " worthy " child.

So . . . maybe you could introduce yourself to her first? Take a little time to

exchange pleasantries? Ask her who she is? What she likes? Find out what SHE

wants?

A time ago, I asked my little girl self if she wanted to come " live " with me--if

she wanted to be adopted. I told her I was a better mom, that she was safe, and

that we had rules in the house that meant little children aren't bullied or

hurt.

I even gave " her " a moment to scream at nada about how much she hated nada.

After that (very dramatic) process, I was then able to bring my little girl self

" home. "

Once she was " home, " I could finally start the nurturing process.

I'm not suggesting this process exactly, but . . . it made me wonder . . . maybe

there are a few more steps you can take before doing what the T suggested. It's

a lot to expect you to nurture and love a little stranger whom you feel doesn't

belong to you. A few steps in between may be helpful.

Either way, I have every confidence you'll get there. And, I think, the fact

that you are even considering it shows significant progress. Good for you!!

Hugs--

and Blessings,

Karla

>

> Many of you know how much I trust and appreciate my T, she's been more of a

mother to me than my own!

>

> I had a big session last Thursday--I knew it was going to be after my

thinking/reaction to some of the sharing here. I talked about my feeling of

" duality " about her--hating her as a mother but being able to be social with her

without getting sucked in. I talked about childhood manipulations and the things

I was denied, and the things she pulled out of me that are still broken. The

social phobias I can't beat that she created in me. My lack of trust in people

and inability to have friends.

>

> OK, her thoughts on the duality is that I am starting to see her as a person

apart from her mental illness. The hatred is holding my boundaries in place, but

she says the hatred will damage me if I don't get it out and process it. She

says if I do the process work, I will get healthy enough to keep boundaries

without the anger.

>

> Now the part that freaked me out--I am to get a doll that represents 'me.' I

am supposed to hug this doll (i.e., nurture myself). I am crying as I write

this--I don't want to do this! I rejected dolls as a child, too, so this is a

pretty deep one. Has anyone else ever had this assignment? Or any thoughts about

why I am having such a visceral negative reaction?

>

[Guest guest]

To paraphrase and apply to my scenario, I am not feeling entitled to working

with my little girl because she still belongs to nada. I have to convince/coax

her to trust the adult me, even though the child me was incapable and useless.

This is just psychologically twisted enough to be what's blocking me.

>

> Echobabe--

>

> I have a thought. Maybe it would be easier if you took smaller steps?

>

> From my healing path: I had completely disconnected from " me " as a child. She

(me as a child) was an absolute stranger to me, and she was awkward and shameful

besides. (Nada's opinion of me kicking in there).

>

> To make matters worse, to claim myself as my own was the most shameful,

horrible thing in the world. Growing up, I was under nada's complete ownership,

and to question her ownership (even subtely) was seen as a black, evil offense.

Therefore, any independence, sense of self, or ability to claim " ownership " over

me was absolutely disallowed, with severe punishment to back it up.

>

> So, my little girl self 1) was a complete stranger, 2) was awkward and

embarrassing, and 2) never " belonged " to me.

>

> In these circumstances, it would have felt odd and very wrong to take her

over, even if it meant nurturing and caring for. I would have felt a bit like a

kidnapper who didn't have the sense to get a " worthy " child.

>

> So . . . maybe you could introduce yourself to her first? Take a little time

to exchange pleasantries? Ask her who she is? What she likes? Find out what

SHE wants?

>

> A time ago, I asked my little girl self if she wanted to come " live " with

me--if she wanted to be adopted. I told her I was a better mom, that she was

safe, and that we had rules in the house that meant little children aren't

bullied or hurt.

>

> I even gave " her " a moment to scream at nada about how much she hated nada.

>

> After that (very dramatic) process, I was then able to bring my little girl

self " home. "

>

> Once she was " home, " I could finally start the nurturing process.

>

> I'm not suggesting this process exactly, but . . . it made me wonder . . .

maybe there are a few more steps you can take before doing what the T suggested.

It's a lot to expect you to nurture and love a little stranger whom you feel

doesn't belong to you. A few steps in between may be helpful.

>

> Either way, I have every confidence you'll get there. And, I think, the fact

that you are even considering it shows significant progress. Good for you!!

>

> Hugs--

>

> and Blessings,

> Karla

[Guest guest]

Yes, I think that's what I'm trying to say. Of course, she wasn't incapable and

useless--she was helpless and abused. Which makes it even more difficult to

step in as her true " mother. "

Not trying to step in as T here. Just acknowledging how complex and

booby-trapped our relationships are with our younger selves. It requires a

little reasonable grace, in my opinion. It's not straightforward for a KO.

Also, as a word of encouragement . . . getting there took some time and effort.

But now, we're fast friends. I genuinely love that little girl and admire how

she held true to her survival. " She " seems to trust me and has become a part of

me. In turn, I seem to trust myself much more now.

Once you start seeing " her " through your sane eyes and not through the eyes of

your insane nada . . . it all starts to turn around!

Blessings!

Karla

> >

> > Echobabe--

> >

> > I have a thought. Maybe it would be easier if you took smaller steps?

> >

> > From my healing path: I had completely disconnected from " me " as a child.

She (me as a child) was an absolute stranger to me, and she was awkward and

shameful besides. (Nada's opinion of me kicking in there).

> >

> > To make matters worse, to claim myself as my own was the most shameful,

horrible thing in the world. Growing up, I was under nada's complete ownership,

and to question her ownership (even subtely) was seen as a black, evil offense.

Therefore, any independence, sense of self, or ability to claim " ownership " over

me was absolutely disallowed, with severe punishment to back it up.

> >

> > So, my little girl self 1) was a complete stranger, 2) was awkward and

embarrassing, and 2) never " belonged " to me.

> >

> > In these circumstances, it would have felt odd and very wrong to take her

over, even if it meant nurturing and caring for. I would have felt a bit like a

kidnapper who didn't have the sense to get a " worthy " child.

> >

> > So . . . maybe you could introduce yourself to her first? Take a little

time to exchange pleasantries? Ask her who she is? What she likes? Find out

what SHE wants?

> >

> > A time ago, I asked my little girl self if she wanted to come " live " with

me--if she wanted to be adopted. I told her I was a better mom, that she was

safe, and that we had rules in the house that meant little children aren't

bullied or hurt.

> >

> > I even gave " her " a moment to scream at nada about how much she hated nada.

> >

> > After that (very dramatic) process, I was then able to bring my little girl

self " home. "

> >

> > Once she was " home, " I could finally start the nurturing process.

> >

> > I'm not suggesting this process exactly, but . . . it made me wonder . . .

maybe there are a few more steps you can take before doing what the T suggested.

It's a lot to expect you to nurture and love a little stranger whom you feel

doesn't belong to you. A few steps in between may be helpful.

> >

> > Either way, I have every confidence you'll get there. And, I think, the

fact that you are even considering it shows significant progress. Good for

you!!

> >

> > Hugs--

> >

> > and Blessings,

> > Karla

>