Depression can GTFO

[Guest guest]

Just venting.

Have you ever been depressed to the extent you can barely work? Right now, I'm

at work but I hardly have the energy to get up and check on some of the

bookstacks and complete basic library-related tasks such as putting a book on

hold for someone. I feel achy, tired, weak, and just want to go home and sleep.

I emailed DH to ask him to make an appointment for me with my GP, because I

think I need to increase my Zoloft. I've been on it for 2 years now, and it has

helped immensely, but I've been thinking that I need more of it for quite a

while now. I know I need it especially during winter. Seasonal affective can

GTFO too.

I know I need to go back to counseling, but just haven't the courage nor the

time lately. I'm still having a lot of struggle with thinking about my siblings.

Right now I have selective memory that is obscuring most of what I experienced

with fada growing up and into my teen years. It's nice in some ways, yet I feel

like I'm missing a huge chunk of myself without those memories, because I can

hardly remember even the good times too, the memories I spent with my siblings.

I feel incredibly guilty about that, 'cause I can hear a tiny voice in my head,

" you must not really love them if you can't remember them " which I absolutely

hate that voice.

I think about them every single day, because even if the memory isn't there, the

feeling of fear, of eggshells, is still really strong. And I'm afraid for them.

I want to save them. I want to mentor them, let them know that fada is seriously

ill, that it's NOT them, and to teach them that fada is actually wrong. I was

realizing the other day that my littlest brother is now 7 1/2 years old. Will he

remember me? I don't even know what his personality is going to be like, 'cause

he was still so young. My littlest sister was 7 years old two years ago--I took

her on a all day birthday outing during spring break and she loved that, even

though she was very anxious, scared of disappointing anybody. I can't believe

she's 9 now. And I'm missing it. My littler brother is, OMG, he's almost 12.

He's hard of hearing like me, and that's a bad combination with fada's NPD. And

my little sister is going to be 13 in April. She's his favorite, and probably is

the white sheep since I've been disowned. I hope she's strong and will watch

over the little ones. I'm afraid for her, though. Since my little brother,

who's now 21, moved out, she's the oldest child in the family right now. She

will remember me, but will she remember fada's account, or realize that maybe

fada is wrong?

will they contact me secretly when they grow up? or will they be stuck in the

FOG? Will I ever get to see them again? They will be strangers when that

happens, and that makes me horribly sad. I got to thinking about that last

night, and I went numb so I wouldn't have to feel the pain. I'm afraid of

feeling the pain, but I know that sooner or later it will come out and I will

cry. But right now I feel a little surreal because I'm in the world, i'm

observing the world, but I don't really feel like I'm actively interacting with

the world.

And I recognize that feeling from my last major depressive episode just before I

started Zoloft. It was horrible. I ate a lot. I mean, a lot. I gained 10 pounds

that winter. And since I moved to the bigger city two states away last year,

I've gained more weight because this city is so big and so overwhelming

sometimes, and because friends and the inlaws aren't as easy to hang out with

anymore. I feel fat after gaining another 10-12 lbs this past year, which just

makes me feel worse, and so on.

I just want to be where food isn't my substitute Zoloft, the temporary relief

from eating. I want to be where I can be active and move around and interact

with people. I want to do my job well.

It just sucks feeling like this.

Holly

[Guest guest]

Hi, Holly.

Yes, I've been that depressed, and more than once. It totally sucks. And I've

let it get out of control before, which I do not recommend. I'm glad to see you

know to ask for help.

I took antidepressants for years...sometimes, for some reason or another, one

that has worked really well will stop working. Sometimes the dosage needs to be

adjusted, and sometimes you just need to try other meds until you find one that

works again. It can be hard waiting for the help to kick in.

But the most helpful thing I ever did was enter into psychotherapy. I had

avoided it for a long time for various reasons, and I had also assumed I would

just have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But by the end of

the year, we had worked with my GP to wean me off of them completely. Now, when

I start to feel a little depressed (usually just for a day or two, in reaction

to stress), I know how to cope better and can work my way through my feelings

before it gets out of control. I haven't needed a pill for more than 3 years!

I hear you say you know you need to go back to counseling, and I would just like

to encourage you not to put it off. Pretty much every study ever done has shown

that antidepressants work so much better in conjunction with therapy. Brain

chemistry is only a piece of the puzzle in chronic depression, and if the

underlying problems aren't dealt with, the cycle won't really end. So I hope

you will take the time to call your T, too, and set up an appointment.

Hang in there. You won't feel like this forever--I can see that you're already

working hard to change things.

May you come out on the other side stronger than ever!

[Guest guest]

Holly, I totally understand your feelings of depression. I have been going

through it myself right now. I didn't even get out of bed two days last week,

although on the second day I did log into my work server and work from home. And

Saturday and Sunday, although I did eventually go running on both days, I also

bookended those runs with long bouts asleep on the couch. I'm having trouble

being motivated at all right now.

I talked to my therapist about it, and we're working on it. The other thing I

did, without going into too much detail told my father that everything was not

alright, that I'm not alright. I feel like a huge weight came off my shoulders

when I told him that. He said that I can talk to him or my stepmom whenever I

need to, and I do talk to them, but it's a little awkward, since he is divorced

from my mother and I don't think he fully understands what is wrong with her, so

it's hard to have conversations with him about his ex-wife. And I understand how

difficult that can be for him too.

But I'm sitting at work also just trying to figure out where I can draw some

motivation already.

>

> Just venting.

>

> Have you ever been depressed to the extent you can barely work? Right now, I'm

at work but I hardly have the energy to get up and check on some of the

bookstacks and complete basic library-related tasks such as putting a book on

hold for someone. I feel achy, tired, weak, and just want to go home and sleep.

I emailed DH to ask him to make an appointment for me with my GP, because I

think I need to increase my Zoloft. I've been on it for 2 years now, and it has

helped immensely, but I've been thinking that I need more of it for quite a

while now. I know I need it especially during winter. Seasonal affective can

GTFO too.

>

> I know I need to go back to counseling, but just haven't the courage nor the

time lately. I'm still having a lot of struggle with thinking about my siblings.

Right now I have selective memory that is obscuring most of what I experienced

with fada growing up and into my teen years. It's nice in some ways, yet I feel

like I'm missing a huge chunk of myself without those memories, because I can

hardly remember even the good times too, the memories I spent with my siblings.

I feel incredibly guilty about that, 'cause I can hear a tiny voice in my head,

" you must not really love them if you can't remember them " which I absolutely

hate that voice.

>

> I think about them every single day, because even if the memory isn't there,

the feeling of fear, of eggshells, is still really strong. And I'm afraid for

them. I want to save them. I want to mentor them, let them know that fada is

seriously ill, that it's NOT them, and to teach them that fada is actually

wrong. I was realizing the other day that my littlest brother is now 7 1/2 years

old. Will he remember me? I don't even know what his personality is going to be

like, 'cause he was still so young. My littlest sister was 7 years old two years

ago--I took her on a all day birthday outing during spring break and she loved

that, even though she was very anxious, scared of disappointing anybody. I can't

believe she's 9 now. And I'm missing it. My littler brother is, OMG, he's almost

12. He's hard of hearing like me, and that's a bad combination with fada's NPD.

And my little sister is going to be 13 in April. She's his favorite, and

probably is the white sheep since I've been disowned. I hope she's strong and

will watch over the little ones. I'm afraid for her, though. Since my little

brother, who's now 21, moved out, she's the oldest child in the family right

now. She will remember me, but will she remember fada's account, or realize that

maybe fada is wrong?

>

> will they contact me secretly when they grow up? or will they be stuck in the

FOG? Will I ever get to see them again? They will be strangers when that

happens, and that makes me horribly sad. I got to thinking about that last

night, and I went numb so I wouldn't have to feel the pain. I'm afraid of

feeling the pain, but I know that sooner or later it will come out and I will

cry. But right now I feel a little surreal because I'm in the world, i'm

observing the world, but I don't really feel like I'm actively interacting with

the world.

>

> And I recognize that feeling from my last major depressive episode just before

I started Zoloft. It was horrible. I ate a lot. I mean, a lot. I gained 10

pounds that winter. And since I moved to the bigger city two states away last

year, I've gained more weight because this city is so big and so overwhelming

sometimes, and because friends and the inlaws aren't as easy to hang out with

anymore. I feel fat after gaining another 10-12 lbs this past year, which just

makes me feel worse, and so on.

>

> I just want to be where food isn't my substitute Zoloft, the temporary relief

from eating. I want to be where I can be active and move around and interact

with people. I want to do my job well.

>

> It just sucks feeling like this.

>

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry you're having such a rough bout, Holly. Big hugs (((((Holly))))) Yes,

depression sucks, and yes I've had it to the extent that I couldn't work.

Couple that with severe C-PTSD and that's why I'm on disability. Obviously

I still have issues with both depression & PTSD but I've come a long way in

3-ish years and can't wait to finish my degree & go back to work. I had

worked since I was 13 so it was really hard for me to stop to take care of

myself. I am so glad that I did though. Still a long way to go, but I do

think I've made some progress. And I can't wait to go back to work when

that time comes!

I think it would be great for you to talk to your doc about your zoloft and

yes, if you do have SAD then you might very well need a bit of an increase

in the winter. Doesn't hurt to talk to your doc. I also think it would be

great for you to get back into therapy. I know it's so hard, but you my dear

are worth it =) Sometimes I forget, but I have learned one important thing

since being on disability and really working on the depression & PTSD...

it's ok to do things for myself and to take a time out (even if kind of a

long one, ugh) to take care of me so that I can function & do what I have to

& want to do!

It's sad to me that a lot of people don't think that depression should

qualify someone for disability. I mean, I guess it's great because if they

have that mindset then they have probably not struggled with depression like

so many of us here have. Couple that with something like PTSD, SAD, etc...

good grief. Yes, it CAN BE debilitating! Add in your sadness & fear for

your siblings (I'm so so sorry you have to go through that), and yes, you

have so much on your plate right now.

I know you love your siblings so so much, and I know this must be so

incredibly hard for you to be away from them & knowing what kind of home

environment they have to deal with... so my guess is that you know their

birthdays, eh? When they're 18, who's to stop you from contacting them, or

them from contacting you? *wink wink* lol. But for now, I have no advice

for you with the situation =( It sucks, bad. But again, a therapist can

probably help you figure it out if you can do anything or at the very least

help you work through the strong sadness & grief. It doesn't mean you have

to forget about those kids, not in the least. But you can work through the

strong emotions.

I hope you won't be so hard on yourself. I also hope you'll find a way to

do what's best for you so that you can take care of you =) Like I said,

you're worth it!

Hang in there.

Mia - who's still trying to get out of her own funk... and just taking it

one step & one day at a time.

[Guest guest]

Holly

I ve been fighting that fight. About 7 months ago, I was talking to my

T and she said, you seem depressed. She was right. Life held no joy.

I felt like shit, and felt so bad I didnt give a shit if I felt better.

Depression does that for you. It is a viscious cycle.

I know it hurts, hon, and we are so very subject to it. But my life has

color, and light, and flavor again. Try. Do try. It is worth the work.

See your T. Get on some meds. Work thru the hurts.

Re the SAD: Look into SAD lights. A lot of the SAD which exacerbates

our depression is lack of sunlight.

Doug

>

> Just venting.

>

> Have you ever been depressed to the extent you can barely work? Right

now, I'm at work but I hardly have the energy to get up and check on

some of the bookstacks and complete basic library-related tasks such as

putting a book on hold for someone. I feel achy, tired, weak, and just

want to go home and sleep. I emailed DH to ask him to make an

appointment for me with my GP, because I think I need to increase my

Zoloft. I've been on it for 2 years now, and it has helped immensely,

but I've been thinking that I need more of it for quite a while now. I

know I need it especially during winter. Seasonal affective can GTFO

too.

>

> I know I need to go back to counseling, but just haven't the courage

nor the time lately. I'm still having a lot of struggle with thinking

about my siblings. Right now I have selective memory that is obscuring

most of what I experienced with fada growing up and into my teen years.

It's nice in some ways, yet I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of

myself without those memories, because I can hardly remember even the

good times too, the memories I spent with my siblings. I feel incredibly

guilty about that, 'cause I can hear a tiny voice in my head, " you must

not really love them if you can't remember them " which I absolutely hate

that voice.

>

> I think about them every single day, because even if the memory isn't

there, the feeling of fear, of eggshells, is still really strong. And

I'm afraid for them. I want to save them. I want to mentor them, let

them know that fada is seriously ill, that it's NOT them, and to teach

them that fada is actually wrong. I was realizing the other day that my

littlest brother is now 7 1/2 years old. Will he remember me? I don't

even know what his personality is going to be like, 'cause he was still

so young. My littlest sister was 7 years old two years ago--I took her

on a all day birthday outing during spring break and she loved that,

even though she was very anxious, scared of disappointing anybody. I

can't believe she's 9 now. And I'm missing it. My littler brother is,

OMG, he's almost 12. He's hard of hearing like me, and that's a bad

combination with fada's NPD. And my little sister is going to be 13 in

April. She's his favorite, and probably is the white sheep since I've

been disowned. I hope she's strong and will watch over the little ones.

I'm afraid for her, though. Since my little brother, who's now 21, moved

out, she's the oldest child in the family right now. She will remember

me, but will she remember fada's account, or realize that maybe fada is

wrong?

>

> will they contact me secretly when they grow up? or will they be stuck

in the FOG? Will I ever get to see them again? They will be strangers

when that happens, and that makes me horribly sad. I got to thinking

about that last night, and I went numb so I wouldn't have to feel the

pain. I'm afraid of feeling the pain, but I know that sooner or later it

will come out and I will cry. But right now I feel a little surreal

because I'm in the world, i'm observing the world, but I don't really

feel like I'm actively interacting with the world.

>

> And I recognize that feeling from my last major depressive episode

just before I started Zoloft. It was horrible. I ate a lot. I mean, a

lot. I gained 10 pounds that winter. And since I moved to the bigger

city two states away last year, I've gained more weight because this

city is so big and so overwhelming sometimes, and because friends and

the inlaws aren't as easy to hang out with anymore. I feel fat after

gaining another 10-12 lbs this past year, which just makes me feel

worse, and so on.

>

> I just want to be where food isn't my substitute Zoloft, the temporary

relief from eating. I want to be where I can be active and move around

and interact with people. I want to do my job well.

>

> It just sucks feeling like this.

>

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everybody for your uplifting words! I felt a little bit better

yesterday, and was able to get schoolwork and work work done. I thought,

okay, I can make it to Friday.

Then today I feel worse than I did on Monday. I know the depression's having

a huge impact on my job, and today I'm so slow and achy and fatigued and

emotion-less that I'm taking hours to do something that should only take me

an hour and a half at most. I keep having to take a lot of breaks. And I

just really want to go home and sleep and not go anywhere--but physically,

I'm fine, and there's no reason for me to go home.

I'm torn on what to do. I keep pondedering whether I should try to forge

through the rest of today and hope tomorrow is better, or should I use some

vacation time (can't use sick time for another 3 months, univ. policy.) and

go home and rest and hope tomorrow is better. I know my quality has gone

downhill, my efficiency, my demeanor. I'm not grouchy to people, at least,

but just extraordinarily forgetful, inaccurate, etc. and so frigging slow.

I'm tempted to let my boss and coworkers know I'm going through a bad bout

of depression/SAD/PTSD and ask them to bear with me as I try to work, but I

know that has backfired on a lot of people from what I read online.

So far I just told a supervisor that I wasn't feeling 100% and was working

really slowly, and he was understanding, though I feel like such a...I don't

know. I feel weird getting paid when I'm barely able to work.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, then on Friday I can go in and hopefully

get more antidepressants.

Holly

>

>

>

> Holly

>

> I ve been fighting that fight. About 7 months ago, I was talking to my

> T and she said, you seem depressed. She was right. Life held no joy.

> I felt like shit, and felt so bad I didnt give a shit if I felt better.

>

> Depression does that for you. It is a viscious cycle.

>

> I know it hurts, hon, and we are so very subject to it. But my life has

> color, and light, and flavor again. Try. Do try. It is worth the work.

> See your T. Get on some meds. Work thru the hurts.

>

> Re the SAD: Look into SAD lights. A lot of the SAD which exacerbates

> our depression is lack of sunlight.

>

> Doug

>

>

>

> >

> > Just venting.

> >

> > Have you ever been depressed to the extent you can barely work? Right

> now, I'm at work but I hardly have the energy to get up and check on

> some of the bookstacks and complete basic library-related tasks such as

> putting a book on hold for someone. I feel achy, tired, weak, and just

> want to go home and sleep. I emailed DH to ask him to make an

> appointment for me with my GP, because I think I need to increase my

> Zoloft. I've been on it for 2 years now, and it has helped immensely,

> but I've been thinking that I need more of it for quite a while now. I

> know I need it especially during winter. Seasonal affective can GTFO

> too.

> >

> > I know I need to go back to counseling, but just haven't the courage

> nor the time lately. I'm still having a lot of struggle with thinking

> about my siblings. Right now I have selective memory that is obscuring

> most of what I experienced with fada growing up and into my teen years.

> It's nice in some ways, yet I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of

> myself without those memories, because I can hardly remember even the

> good times too, the memories I spent with my siblings. I feel incredibly

> guilty about that, 'cause I can hear a tiny voice in my head, " you must

> not really love them if you can't remember them " which I absolutely hate

> that voice.

> >

> > I think about them every single day, because even if the memory isn't

> there, the feeling of fear, of eggshells, is still really strong. And

> I'm afraid for them. I want to save them. I want to mentor them, let

> them know that fada is seriously ill, that it's NOT them, and to teach

> them that fada is actually wrong. I was realizing the other day that my

> littlest brother is now 7 1/2 years old. Will he remember me? I don't

> even know what his personality is going to be like, 'cause he was still

> so young. My littlest sister was 7 years old two years ago--I took her

> on a all day birthday outing during spring break and she loved that,

> even though she was very anxious, scared of disappointing anybody. I

> can't believe she's 9 now. And I'm missing it. My littler brother is,

> OMG, he's almost 12. He's hard of hearing like me, and that's a bad

> combination with fada's NPD. And my little sister is going to be 13 in

> April. She's his favorite, and probably is the white sheep since I've

> been disowned. I hope she's strong and will watch over the little ones.

> I'm afraid for her, though. Since my little brother, who's now 21, moved

> out, she's the oldest child in the family right now. She will remember

> me, but will she remember fada's account, or realize that maybe fada is

> wrong?

> >

> > will they contact me secretly when they grow up? or will they be stuck

> in the FOG? Will I ever get to see them again? They will be strangers

> when that happens, and that makes me horribly sad. I got to thinking

> about that last night, and I went numb so I wouldn't have to feel the

> pain. I'm afraid of feeling the pain, but I know that sooner or later it

> will come out and I will cry. But right now I feel a little surreal

> because I'm in the world, i'm observing the world, but I don't really

> feel like I'm actively interacting with the world.

> >

> > And I recognize that feeling from my last major depressive episode

> just before I started Zoloft. It was horrible. I ate a lot. I mean, a

> lot. I gained 10 pounds that winter. And since I moved to the bigger

> city two states away last year, I've gained more weight because this

> city is so big and so overwhelming sometimes, and because friends and

> the inlaws aren't as easy to hang out with anymore. I feel fat after

> gaining another 10-12 lbs this past year, which just makes me feel

> worse, and so on.

> >

> > I just want to be where food isn't my substitute Zoloft, the temporary

> relief from eating. I want to be where I can be active and move around

> and interact with people. I want to do my job well.

> >

> > It just sucks feeling like this.

> >

> > Holly

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((HUGS))))

[Guest guest]

So sorry Holly *More hugs for you!*. It might not hurt to take a

couple of vacation days... call them " mental health days " hehe.

Nothing wrong with taking time out for ourselves once in a while.

As for telling your boss what's going on, that's a hard one. I had

one job where I did tell them and it did end up backfiring... grrr.

It sucked too because I loved that job. It was at a vet clinic and I

was a vet assistant. loved loved loved it! Except for one of the

vets, she was out to get me and use to use my depression against me.

" What's wrong? WHy can't you do that right, you depressed? " and then

laugh. God she was such a BITCH!

So I didn't tell anyone at the job I held for 8 years in pet retail.

That's a long story that I won't go into and basically is still

causing PTSD issues for me. 8 years of employment... 2 POSITIVE write

ups in my file... my district manager adored me... then boom, all hell

broke loose. Maybe I'll post about it here sometime =\ It still

hurts.

Anyway, I am so rambling and off topic, sorry about that. But my main

point is that yes, if you can take a couple of vacation days, why not?

You can use that time to heal, do positive things for yourself. Maybe

try to call your T and get an appointment? If I remember correctly,

you said it's been a while since you've been.

Hang in there lady.

Mia