Feeling stuck.

[Guest guest]

I feel like I've missed the boat.

I see many of my friends, who are successful in their careers, going off to do

things (travelling, business trips, climbing freaking mountains etc), are

seemingly happy financially secure and settled and yet I still feel like I'm way

behind.

I didn't really discover myself until just a few years ago. I had no sense of

identity. I still feel like I'm so busy fixing the broken side of me, that I

don't know if I will EVER feel whole, or complete or non-broken.

I was so screwed up as a teenager and young woman, that I literally floundered

through life. I got a degree in 2004 (when I was 31), but because of kids and

constant moving (due to the husbands career that takes us to rural, closed off

places) I can never find a job using my degree, hell I can't even find a job in

retail because I'm not FROM here!

It makes me angry. VERY VERY angry. I feel like my future has been stolen from

me. I'm jealous of the friends that I have who had supportive, loving families.

THEY had their support to go to school, or even just normal lives so they had

the chance to discover who they are and what they wanted to do with their lives.

I was so bloody busy trying to survive

We're in debt, right now I feel like I'm treading water with the finances, we

have two small kids at home, one is in school, but even if I was to GET a retail

type job, I wouldn't actually be bringing home any money by the time I paid for

childcare. Although, even that possibility is slim as they don't hire outsiders.

I've spent the morning crying, I had to tell my husband that we just can't

afford to send him to see his dad after he has his triple by-pass in the next

few months. We have a little in savings, but the moment I touch that, the

transmission will blow up or something. I know that his parents will understand.

The kicker is that they have been there for us in every sense of the word

forever, I love his parents dearly and it seriously sucks that now they need

*US* and we can't be there. I feel like such a failure in every sense of the

word.

Sorry for the rambling post, I'm just really upset right now.

[Guest guest]

Is there a possibility that you could earn income while at home? Such as

becoming a child-care provider in your home, becoming a tutor, or giving

private lessons in your field of expertise from your home? Then, you can write

off some of your home expenses and transportation, etc., as being part of your

home-based business.

Just a possibility to consider.

-Annie

>

> I feel like I've missed the boat.

>

> I see many of my friends, who are successful in their careers, going off to do

things (travelling, business trips, climbing freaking mountains etc), are

seemingly happy financially secure and settled and yet I still feel like I'm way

behind.

>

> I didn't really discover myself until just a few years ago. I had no sense of

identity. I still feel like I'm so busy fixing the broken side of me, that I

don't know if I will EVER feel whole, or complete or non-broken.

>

> I was so screwed up as a teenager and young woman, that I literally floundered

through life. I got a degree in 2004 (when I was 31), but because of kids and

constant moving (due to the husbands career that takes us to rural, closed off

places) I can never find a job using my degree, hell I can't even find a job in

retail because I'm not FROM here!

>

> It makes me angry. VERY VERY angry. I feel like my future has been stolen from

me. I'm jealous of the friends that I have who had supportive, loving families.

THEY had their support to go to school, or even just normal lives so they had

the chance to discover who they are and what they wanted to do with their lives.

I was so bloody busy trying to survive

>

> We're in debt, right now I feel like I'm treading water with the finances, we

have two small kids at home, one is in school, but even if I was to GET a retail

type job, I wouldn't actually be bringing home any money by the time I paid for

childcare. Although, even that possibility is slim as they don't hire outsiders.

>

> I've spent the morning crying, I had to tell my husband that we just can't

afford to send him to see his dad after he has his triple by-pass in the next

few months. We have a little in savings, but the moment I touch that, the

transmission will blow up or something. I know that his parents will understand.

The kicker is that they have been there for us in every sense of the word

forever, I love his parents dearly and it seriously sucks that now they need

*US* and we can't be there. I feel like such a failure in every sense of the

word.

>

> Sorry for the rambling post, I'm just really upset right now.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're heart is hurting but I'm going to try and put a good bright,

shiney light on this for you!

You are realizing you were WRONGED!

Yeah, that should make you cheer up, right? (Yeah, thanks Lynnette...that's SO

much better...)

But really... I'd be up til now (or at least recently) you did what I did til I

was 38 - stuffed it all down, looked at everyone else and thought, " well I don't

DESERVE to be happy and productive.... I'm BAD BAD BAD... even my OWN MOTHER

tells me that... "

But then the realization comes (mine through therapy, others get it elsewhere)

that WE WERE ROBBED THROUGH NO FAULT OF OUR OWN. So it's OK to be angry,

jealous, mad, etc. Everyone else got the good stuff... everyone else seems

happy... and 'here we are.' CRAP!

But a little thing begins to happen along the anger pathway... we start to see

that we have more coping/strategy skills than most. We, of course, have been

planning lives since we were 7 years old. We are allowed to fight for what we

want (BA at 31 with small kids in the house? REally? You think that's a small

thing? lololol)

You found a new family that is decent and loving and you are loved for being

you. That's the stuff dreams are made of for the 'normals'... and you got it as

a KO... enjoy that... they understand... if you can't come to them THEY

UNDERSTAND - they're not BPD'ers...

Don't sell yourself short by doing retail with a degree. Start your own

business doing what you do. Find a way to do it online. Do something that

makes you sing... it IS possible and you CAN do it... but happiness will not be

found if you look for it in a place where you already know you're 'an

outsider'... that's just reliving your/our childhoods. Don't give " them " the

power... don't replace you're bpd'er with 'them.'

Smile, love and dance... you made it whole...

Lynnette

>

> I feel like I've missed the boat.

>

> I see many of my friends, who are successful in their careers, going off to do

things (travelling, business trips, climbing freaking mountains etc), are

seemingly happy financially secure and settled and yet I still feel like I'm way

behind.

>

> I didn't really discover myself until just a few years ago. I had no sense of

identity. I still feel like I'm so busy fixing the broken side of me, that I

don't know if I will EVER feel whole, or complete or non-broken.

>

> I was so screwed up as a teenager and young woman, that I literally floundered

through life. I got a degree in 2004 (when I was 31), but because of kids and

constant moving (due to the husbands career that takes us to rural, closed off

places) I can never find a job using my degree, hell I can't even find a job in

retail because I'm not FROM here!

>

> It makes me angry. VERY VERY angry. I feel like my future has been stolen from

me. I'm jealous of the friends that I have who had supportive, loving families.

THEY had their support to go to school, or even just normal lives so they had

the chance to discover who they are and what they wanted to do with their lives.

I was so bloody busy trying to survive

>

> We're in debt, right now I feel like I'm treading water with the finances, we

have two small kids at home, one is in school, but even if I was to GET a retail

type job, I wouldn't actually be bringing home any money by the time I paid for

childcare. Although, even that possibility is slim as they don't hire outsiders.

>

> I've spent the morning crying, I had to tell my husband that we just can't

afford to send him to see his dad after he has his triple by-pass in the next

few months. We have a little in savings, but the moment I touch that, the

transmission will blow up or something. I know that his parents will understand.

The kicker is that they have been there for us in every sense of the word

forever, I love his parents dearly and it seriously sucks that now they need

*US* and we can't be there. I feel like such a failure in every sense of the

word.

>

> Sorry for the rambling post, I'm just really upset right now.

>

[Guest guest]

I second Lynette -- and it's totally normal/understandable to grieve the lost

childhood/adulthood/life. When I think these same thoughts, I tell myself: what

matters is that you're awake now, and you are getting to know yourself now, so

you are in a completely new position to make the rest of your life what the

first part couldn't be.

And sometimes when those positive thoughts don't work for me, I think about how

maybe the people around me I'm admiring might just seem to have it more together

than they really do and I'm comparing myself to something that's not all there.

The fear of never being whole again is huge, but also, don't forget to look at

how far you've come.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Oh MAN! do I feel you.

I haven't left the house in 6 months because I gave up. 100% dependent on a

violent fada because he planned it that way. My only hope for an income is to

sell my blood but I can't even do that because my drivers license expired. At

least you have someone that cares about you. I have panic attacks daily. No

fun.

I agree with home based biz. Your BPD'er isn't there, that's what I would do.

Don't spend any money to get started..just don't no matter what anyone says.

like, 50 bucks. I used to like cooking a lot, cookies, cupcakes and stuff. Can

make money.

the hard part is the overwhelming feeling of being a 'loser' while

starting...stops most people including me.

Hey, I have silent freak outs and violent nightmares every f'ing day because of

fada. I haven't worked in 6 years, never been to college, never had a

girlfriend, never been on a plane, never been out of the state, never had a

really good friend. I know your feeling of rage...it's all consuming. Try to

understand your anger is JUSTIFIED and o.k. to have. What I do is throw myself

into a subject I just love to think about and make new discoveries in it.

Problem solving in one of my interests saves me, the only thing that does. I

like myself afterward. I know exactly how you feel and I'm glad I'm not the

only one. Thankyou.

> >

> > I feel like I've missed the boat.

> >

> > I see many of my friends, who are successful in their careers, going off to

do things (travelling, business trips, climbing freaking mountains etc), are

seemingly happy financially secure and settled and yet I still feel like I'm way

behind.

> >

> > I didn't really discover myself until just a few years ago. I had no sense

of identity. I still feel like I'm so busy fixing the broken side of me, that I

don't know if I will EVER feel whole, or complete or non-broken.

> >

> > I was so screwed up as a teenager and young woman, that I literally

floundered through life. I got a degree in 2004 (when I was 31), but because of

kids and constant moving (due to the husbands career that takes us to rural,

closed off places) I can never find a job using my degree, hell I can't even

find a job in retail because I'm not FROM here!

> >

> > It makes me angry. VERY VERY angry. I feel like my future has been stolen

from me. I'm jealous of the friends that I have who had supportive, loving

families. THEY had their support to go to school, or even just normal lives so

they had the chance to discover who they are and what they wanted to do with

their lives. I was so bloody busy trying to survive

> >

> > We're in debt, right now I feel like I'm treading water with the finances,

we have two small kids at home, one is in school, but even if I was to GET a

retail type job, I wouldn't actually be bringing home any money by the time I

paid for childcare. Although, even that possibility is slim as they don't hire

outsiders.

> >

> > I've spent the morning crying, I had to tell my husband that we just can't

afford to send him to see his dad after he has his triple by-pass in the next

few months. We have a little in savings, but the moment I touch that, the

transmission will blow up or something. I know that his parents will understand.

The kicker is that they have been there for us in every sense of the word

forever, I love his parents dearly and it seriously sucks that now they need

*US* and we can't be there. I feel like such a failure in every sense of the

word.

> >

> > Sorry for the rambling post, I'm just really upset right now.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

<<<Elora>>> so sorry for how down you're feeling. We're here for you (not just

saying that). Is there any way you all can drive to your in-laws? Or did you

mean your husband can't afford to take off from work for a visit?

I know how you feel, for me finding myself has begun to happen in the last few

years. I feel like I have so much ground to make up. Sometimes, like you, I just

feel like it's never going to happen.

I loved Annie's suggestion about an at-home business; maybe you can get to the

library and borrow books on that to see if it's a possibility for you?

And I also know the feeling of almost just being an observer of your own life,

being at the mercy of your husband's career (am there, doing that myself),

über-busy with the kids' lives, that yours just gets lost in the shuffle.

Something I've started doing, since last year, is make goals for myself that

have nothing to do with husband or kids. Like running a 5K, reading all the

classics, crocheting an afghan, whatever is meaningful to you. It just makes

me feel like a person and not just Mom/Wife/Kid of BPD parents, you know what I

mean?

I know it's hard to hear it right now, but you're not a failure. The good news

is, as you said, that you're discovering yourself and who you are. So many

people, like many of our mothers, will go to their graves without that. You're

on your way; keep it going. Maybe the rest of your life (what?, 60 years?)

won't play out the way you picture it should, but it might be even better than

you thought.

I said to my husband once that I felt like my life was a looooong bus ride. I

was seated on the left side of the bus, three seats back, watching the scenery.

My parents drove the bus for most of my life, sometimes telling me my

destination, other times not bothering to. Then my husband took over the wheel,

through no fault of his own. I wanted him to have it. Now, I'm tired of being a

spectator and want to live intentionally. To be fully present, you know?

Anyway, I'm sure if you open up to your mother in law, she'll understand. They

sound like sweet people who wouldn't hold it against you if you can't make it.

And maybe you can visit later in the year?

Fiona

>

> I feel like I've missed the boat.

>

> I see many of my friends, who are successful in their careers, going off to do

things (travelling, business trips, climbing freaking mountains etc), are

seemingly happy financially secure and settled and yet I still feel like I'm way

behind.

>

> I didn't really discover myself until just a few years ago. I had no sense of

identity. I still feel like I'm so busy fixing the broken side of me, that I

don't know if I will EVER feel whole, or complete or non-broken.

>

> I was so screwed up as a teenager and young woman, that I literally floundered

through life. I got a degree in 2004 (when I was 31), but because of kids and

constant moving (due to the husbands career that takes us to rural, closed off

places) I can never find a job using my degree, hell I can't even find a job in

retail because I'm not FROM here!

>

> It makes me angry. VERY VERY angry. I feel like my future has been stolen from

me. I'm jealous of the friends that I have who had supportive, loving families.

THEY had their support to go to school, or even just normal lives so they had

the chance to discover who they are and what they wanted to do with their lives.

I was so bloody busy trying to survive

>

> We're in debt, right now I feel like I'm treading water with the finances, we

have two small kids at home, one is in school, but even if I was to GET a retail

type job, I wouldn't actually be bringing home any money by the time I paid for

childcare. Although, even that possibility is slim as they don't hire outsiders.

>

> I've spent the morning crying, I had to tell my husband that we just can't

afford to send him to see his dad after he has his triple by-pass in the next

few months. We have a little in savings, but the moment I touch that, the

transmission will blow up or something. I know that his parents will understand.

The kicker is that they have been there for us in every sense of the word

forever, I love his parents dearly and it seriously sucks that now they need

*US* and we can't be there. I feel like such a failure in every sense of the

word.

>

> Sorry for the rambling post, I'm just really upset right now.

>