Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Don't question --- you did the right thing. 100 percent endorsement from me. > > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized > that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give > her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be > rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I > call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh > it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me > about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I > explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when > I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). > She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and > snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I > dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she > doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that > she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an > apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this > summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have > never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy > roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to > explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept > yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not > being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior > for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move > this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a > while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting > YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and > understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did > the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to > have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me > but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that > by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to > work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What > should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my > mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Mandy, it sounds like you've already given your nada so many chances, and explanations, I don't think you owe her any more explanations. She'll just use it to hurt you more. As for your brother trying get you to " work through things " with your nada--you already tried to work with her. It didn't work. So you needed to go NC to let YOU heal. So, my personal opinion is, you're absolutely right in going NC and how you went about it. You're helping yourself heal. That's your biggest priority. Your nada can take care of herself--she's an adult and not some sort of toddler (though she acts like one.) As for your brother, he knows why you went NC, but doesn't agree with you. But since you've addressed it with him, I don't think you should have to keep trying to explain yourself. Holly > > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized > that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give > her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be > rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I > call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh > it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me > about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I > explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when > I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). > She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and > snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I > dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she > doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that > she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an > apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this > summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have > never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy > roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to > explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept > yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not > being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior > for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move > this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a > while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting > YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and > understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did > the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to > have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me > but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that > by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to > work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What > should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my > mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Mandy,if your brother doesn't want to have your nada " cut off " ,then maybe he can take over doing for her.You've done all that you can do for your nada,yet she continues to harangue you and refuses to appreciate your efforts on her behalf. You have totally " earned " the right to a break and to take care of you.You can't fix your nada and you've done what you can for her.You don't owe your nada any explanation whatsoever for needing to take care of yourself--if she doesn't understand that you have every right to do that after you have helped her out,then there is nothing really that you can say that will enlighten her. Your aunt is right!!! Please heed her advice,she has your best interests at heart. > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I agree with your aunt: its OK to go No Contact with your mother. YOur personality-disordered mother was being very abusive to you by calling you ugly names, demanding that all your time and attention be dedicated to solving her problems, denigrating and dismissing your feelings and needs, and by being completely ungrateful for all you HAVE been doing for her, etc. She was being outrageous and you reached the limit of your endurance. You weren't born to be her punching bag or her rescuer. You don't owe your mother an explanation and you don't need her permission to go No Contact. Possibly your brother is urging you to reestablish contact with your mother because if you don't, she'll be calling him at all hours to come rescue her. It was nice for him with you doing all the work, huh? So, I'd listen to your aunt. She is validating your decision to not be abused any longer. Your aunt " gets it. " Go do something nice for yourself, you deserve a treat. -Annie > > > > > > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized > > that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give > > her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be > > rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I > > call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh > > it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me > > about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I > > explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when > > I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). > > She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and > > snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I > > dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she > > doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that > > she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an > > apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this > > summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have > > never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy > > roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to > > explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept > > yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not > > being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior > > for her. > > > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move > > this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a > > while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting > > YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and > > understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did > > the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to > > have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me > > but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that > > by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to > > work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What > > should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my > > mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Mandy, you will make it worse if you try to explain to your mother or brother, because in your mother's case, she will use it to manipulate you deliberately. Your brother may try to get you to act against your best interests. It sounds like your mother is NPD? You HAVE to set and enforce boundaries with her, both for your mental health and hers. You did the right thing. Don't back down. Have you read " Understanding the Borderline Mother " by Lawson? She gives adult kids ways to deal with PD mothers of all sorts, concentrating most on borderlines. I recommend it highly. Cricket > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 I believe that contacting your mother and trying to explain will get you no where really fast. Reading this sounds like I could have written it. The situation with my mother has recently come to a head- when I told her I was backing up, to work on myself I got the same response. She keeps going on and on about " kicking a dog when it's down, " you know the story. When I mentioned my oldest child remembering her throw a vacuum at me she responded that she threw it because she couldn't get any f-ing help when she moved- even though I packed almost the entire house and my husband arranged for and paid for the moving van, etc., etc. Unfortunately, you're brother isn't going to see the light until he sees the light. I protected my mother for too long- because we all want to believe our parents have our best interests at heart. I completely understand your second-guessing yourself, too. DON'T! I've been limited contact since the end of December. She was taking my grandpa on a week trip and felt we could visit, briefly, with the kids before she left. I wish I hadn't. All she did was make little digs the entire time. I left wanting to cry. Give an inch and she'll punch you in the gut and spit on your face. Take care of yourself. Somehow we have to learn HOW to do that. Not sure HOW to not feel guilty for having a life, or feeling guilty for going out with friends or wanting to exercise, etc., etc. Hang in there. You owe this life to you. NOT your mom, not your brother. > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Hugs to you Mandy! It sucks that she did that to you. It's obvious to me that you HAVE tried to help your nada, but as is so familiar to so many of us here... it's a lose-lose situation, you can't help enough, do enough, etc. You will always be denigrated and " not good enough " in her eyes. That's the impression I get anyway. I agree with your aunt. I think you need to take some YOU time, you deserve it! As for your brother, I don't really know what you should tell him. Maybe just explain that you need some time for yourself & to clear your head. If he understands how she is and sees eye-to-eye with you when it comes to her behavior, then I would hope he'd understand. I also agree with . If he's so dead set on someone helping her, he can take over. Obviously I have no idea about that situation (like if he lives far away from her or something else), but I think if it came down to it (and if I had siblings), I'd mention that. Remember, the grass always seems greener on the other side... Having contact with our personality disordered parent/s is extremely hard, but so is being NC with them. There is no easy answer, so just try to take it one day at a time and allow yourself to heal. I've been NC with my nada for almost 2 years now. It's still hard and brings about different challenges than being in contact with her, but I have no regrets. All of us have to come to the decision of NC ourselves because all of our situations are unique, just like we are. Sending good vibes to you. Hope you can find some time to relax & do something you enjoy! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 You did the right thing. I believe with going NC you are doing yourself and her a big favor. From my experience, if you say that you won't be talking to her for a while and then giving that up, that would only reinforces her behaviour. She'll be even more abusive. Just my opinion. > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Good for you, Mandy! If I could, I'd do a happy dance for you. (i'm at work) You did the right thing. Your mother was being completely disrespectful of you. You have been nothing but supportive loving generous (co-signing) understanding Thank God for your aunt; she sounds amazing. As for your brother, I think he truly means well and you can try explaining to him, but I really doubt he's going to get it. You might even experience some withdrawal from him too, as you stand firm in your NC with your mother. And, I hope I'm not making an assumption here, but he might even be afraid of your pulling away from your mother because it would put most of her pressure on him. My .02. It's not about him, it's all you. Read Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend when you're feeling weak. Fiona > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 YES!!! I think you are doing the best that you can with your mom. You have assisted her through all the drama of a foreclosure, you have been doing the packing and yard sales and driving her when she needed to get somewhere. This has been a very stressful time for you to fulfill the commitments of your own life and try to help her maintain hers. Pat yourself on the back there. However, there is no way in hell I would do all that for my mom and have to take the verbal abuse she is doling out to you on an hourly basis. So, I think you did the right thing in telling her you can't see her for a while. She either comes around and respects your boundaries to be treated civilly or she can figure out how to fend for herself. This is what I would do: If, in the future, she starts haranguing you again, I would drop whatever I was doing for her (I don't care if its a trip to the doctor!), turn the car around and redeposit her back home. Let her know she either behaves herself or she doesn't get your help. And if it bothers your brother so much for you to expect to be treated humanely by your own mother, perhaps he should volunteer to be the primary caregiver. > > This is part vent...part actual question...sorry for the length. > > So I decided to go NC with my mother. I got off work today and realized that she had sent me 4 texts while I was working that demanded that I " give her the COURTESY of a TIMELY RESPONSE!!! " . I've been trying super hard to be rational with her in an attempt to model how normal people interact so I call her up and ask her how her day was, she huffs and snorts and says, " oh it was just great " (dripping with sarcasm). Of course, she doesnt ask me about my day just launches into a rage about not responding to her texts. I explain that I was very busy today and I dont always look at my phone when I'm at work. She rages that I dont care about her (you all know the drill). She wanted me to drive her somewhere today but the roads are very icy and snowy here so I told her I could take her later this week. She raged that I dont have time for her and that the roads arent that bad (they are but she doesnt work so she hadn't been on them all day). > > Anyway, to add to all this, she is moving (foreclosure) from her house that she has lived in for 30 years. I have packed her shit, found her an apartment (and cosigned for her, HUGE regret), had massive yard sales this summer, all in an effort to help her. She yelled at me today that I have never helped her and that I'm an " asshole " . As I was driving on said icy roads I totally cracked and started crying on the phone and trying to explain to her how I've been working so hard to help her and she kept yelling over me to stop being so dramatic and that I could help her by not being such a " little bitch " . She then hung up on me, very common behavior for her. > > I called her back and told her I would not be available to help her move this weekend and that furthermore I will not be able to talk with her for a while because it is hurting me too much. She yells, " it is hurting YOU?!?! " ...I hung up. Then I blocked her calls and texts on my phone. > > Here is the question part. My aunt, who has been very supportive of me and understands the whole situation from before I was even born, told me I did the right thing and that I need to take care of me first. I'm so lucky to have her, she is a replacement mom to me. My brother, who is older than me but we are very close, tells me that he understands she isn't well but that by cutting her off I'm only making things worse. He says I need to try to work things out with her. He doesn't understand how hard I've tried. What should I say to him to make him understand? Should I send an email to my mother and explain my standpoint? Would that make it worse? > > I hate this...I hate questioning myself..... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 I have done some counseling of alcoholics. One of my litmus tests for them is the creamed corn test. It goes like this. If you were doing with a can of creamed corn what you are doing with booze, would you think it normal. Hiding a can of corn in the back of the commode, putting one on the bedstand in case you need some corn when you wake up, lying about how much corn you eat. It is illustrating by the absurd. So, if your Nada were any other person in the world besides your mother, would you tolerate her behaviors toward you? Do I need to even answer that? Only we, the KO s, would question as you do, what you choose to be healthy. You do, because you are a good and compassionate person, and because you hold out hope that maybe she ll change. And so she might. But that does not mean you should continue to let her slice away at your soul. It means keep hope, always keep hope, but deal with the reality and not wishful thinking. It is what it is. Do what you must to be healthy. Brother is thinking magically. If you dont do xyz, you ll make it worse. Corollary thought is, if you do abc, you ll make it better. Reality is, nothing you do will change her life. But you can take steps to let yours be sane and healthy. Blessings Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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