Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal abuse about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching about it. But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use clothes to abuse you - here's mine: - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 young woman. UGH - Bought very small clothes - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school for weeks on end - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 ahahaha Fada had a thing about clothes. Every fall he'd take the family clothes shopping, regardless of whether we needed clothes or not. And we homeschooled, so it's not like fashion was important or anything. He just wanted to spend craploads of money on stuff that makes us feel guilty, and so he can hold it against us. We'd look around, and then he'd find something and say, " how about this? " I quickly learned that if I said, " I don't think so, " his feelings would get hurt and he'd quiz me about why I didn't like it. So I would say, " It looks nice. " Whether or not I liked it, or voiced my dislike of it, he'd tell me to go try it on. I would, then come out and model it for him and mom, and fada would always say it looked nice on me, even if I thought it was hideous and boring and uncomfortable. And they were granny clothes. No offense to anybody who does wear them, but they just don't look right on a teenager. Granny sweaters, granny pants, granny shoes, granny shorts. They were nice enough, but geez, when you're wearing elastic denim shorts at 17, it doesn't do much for your self-esteem. Mostly I'd just wear the same thing over and over again and it'd languish in the closet until I secretly told mom I hadn't worn it in years and then she'd take it to goodwill before fada noticed. It was a damned if you do, damned if you dont situation. There's other stories, like the time my mom completely forgot that it was my winter clothes I had packed away for the summer, and she thought they were all my sisters and while I was at work, she texted me and said, " I think I accidentally gave away some of your clothes. " how the fuck can someone forget that those size 10 clothes belonged to me and not to my 9 yr old sister? but I forgave her, though I was incredibly sad about the loss of my red sweater that I wore when I met the guy who became my husband. I wore it on our first date, too, and it had a lot of special significance. Now, I realize, okay, maybe it's stupid to get too attached to a piece of clothing, but I did cry. Until fada told me I was making mom sad and told me dammit, you have no reason to cry, so I stopped. But I didn't realize how strange it was that mom would forget completely for hours that perhaps they were my clothes that were big for my sisters? and they eventually ultimately blamed me because of course I didn't put my name on the box (I had, but it had fallen off I think). I didn't realize the oddity of hte situation until my now husband and his family thought it was weird that my parents forgot about me, and told me so. Bless their kindness and their frankness. Great, now I'm sorely missing my MIL. (they live a couple states away, 'cause DH and I moved away.) But yeah, plenty of other stories revolving around clothes. >.< Holly. On Tue, Feb 8, 2011 at 9:08 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@... > wrote: > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > abuse > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > about it. > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > young woman. UGH > - Bought very small clothes > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > for > weeks on end > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Oh, like how my mother always made me wear her old clothes, including her bras and underwear, even though I have small hips and her pants never fit me or that my chest was a C cup and she was barely a B cup? Or like how over Christmas she kept insisting that I wear some of her clothes, most definitely so she could see if I was smaller than her or not (and I am). Or how about how she accidentally spilled bleach on the first skirt I ever bought myself that was my favorite skirt ever? I don't even know why she had it in the laundry room and how she got it. That stupid fucking bitch. Wow, sorry for the cursing, but damn, that felt good. Fucking bitch....felt good a second time too. aka Lola (because I want to be) > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > abuse > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > about it. > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > young woman. UGH > > - Bought very small clothes > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > for > > weeks on end > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Pure, undiluted mean-girl, classroom-bully behavior on your nada's part. She resented you growing into a young woman and having your own style and your own look, and she was envious of your pride at being able to buy yourself a skirt for the first time. The fact that it probably looked very good on you as well probably sent her over the edge. So she went into your room, found your favorite skirt, took it into the laundry room, and " accidentally " splashed it with bleach. Nada felt entitled to " get you back " in this plausibly-deniable, very passive-aggressive way that she knew would make you sad and upset. " Oops. " Did she offer to give you the money to get a replacement skirt? I'm guessing that thought never entered her head. Being raised by a bully is a depressing thing. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > > abuse > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > > about it. > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > > young woman. UGH > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > > for > > > weeks on end > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 When I was a teenager,anything I bought with my own money that looked good on me got shrunk in the dryer so I couldn't wear it.Then nada would have a fit about how she was " only trying to help me " by doing my laundry and if I didn't like it I could do it myself,then she had a fit if I did my own laundry. I was very embarassed about being " busty " as a teenager and she bought me tight sweaters that made me feel really exposed--when I didn't want to wear them she shamed me about how " most people would die to have your figure " (which she didn't have) and buy me bras and make a big to do about having me go try on the bras she bought in front of fada,embarassing me more.Of course she got mad if I didn't appreciate her " help " . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > > > abuse > > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > > > about it. > > > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > > > young woman. UGH > > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > > > for > > > > weeks on end > > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 It's funny because I was so upset about it and I have been upset about it for years, but I never thought to actually blame her for it. I mean, I accepted it as an accident, and that was it. I mean, what the hell was she doing with bleach around my skirt anyways? I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but rather some intentional accident, you know what I mean? And no, I can't even remember if she apologized. Only that I came home from my summer internship and it was ruined. She never offered to replace it. Bitch. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > > > abuse > > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > > > about it. > > > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > > > young woman. UGH > > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > > > for > > > > weeks on end > > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Ewww. YOur nada's behavior is even more creepy, like she was trying to turn you into a sexual object for her own gratification and/or your fada's by such behaviors as shrinking your clothes deliberately and forcing you to expose yourself in your underwear to your own dad, how revolting is that?! Exhibitionism by proxy! With your foo it was just one abuse after another with virtually no normal, sane, kind, loving, parental behaviors sandwiched in there at all. Holy freaking cow! We really are just objects to them, not fellow human beings with feelings. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > > > > abuse > > > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > > > > about it. > > > > > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > > > > young woman. UGH > > > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > > > > for > > > > > weeks on end > > > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Do you still truly believe it was an accident? Honestly? If it really was just an accident, she would have apologized and offered to replace it. It was no accident, me dear. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > > > > abuse > > > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > > > > about it. > > > > > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > > > > young woman. UGH > > > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > > > > for > > > > > weeks on end > > > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 My goodness... how twisted is that. Your Nada having you try bras infront of fada! Seems like she was trying to solicit attention from her husband in any possible way even through you. > > When I was a teenager,anything I bought with my own money that looked good on me got shrunk in the dryer so I couldn't wear it.Then nada would have a fit about how she was " only trying to help me " by doing my laundry and if I didn't like it I could do it myself,then she had a fit if I did my own laundry. > > I was very embarassed about being " busty " as a teenager and she bought me tight sweaters that made me feel really exposed--when I didn't want to wear them she shamed me about how " most people would die to have your figure " (which she didn't have) and buy me bras and make a big to do about having me go try on the bras she bought in front of fada,embarassing me more.Of course she got mad if I didn't appreciate her " help " . > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Wow Making you try on underwear in front of dad!!!! EEEEEEW I'd like to scratch both their eyes out. So my nada did the boob/bra weird things once in a while. She was (well is) a large woman. I'm built like her with long arms, long legs and short torso. Not to reveal too much info ha ha but as a teen I wore a 36 B sized bra. So anyway, one day when I was about 17 my nada, who is much bustier than me because of an extra 100 lbs or so says to me " You got your big boobs from me! " She says it with pride and struts and preens for a moment. I was like what the hell - I have never in my life considered myself busty - I'm just kinda medium maybe even smallish.I think of myself as tough, kinda muscular and stronger than most men (not true except inside my head) but def not busty. Who the hell would consider a B cup big and busty???? Busty is a D or on someone with a very small rib cage a C. I was so confused. And she said it in a way that sexualized and objectified me. And it wasn't even true and made no sense. What a creepy woman. So about the clothes/appearance issues. I believe this is a special form of identity abuse. A big part of our identity is our appearance, our choice of clothing, its a way we express ourselves. Nada's and other bullies attack our identity by attacking our appearance. I'm working on this issue on therapy right now. I have very very very strong preferences about fashion and self expression. And everywhere I go, bullies notice it and zero in on it. My T says its a wonderful part of my artistic personality - but bullies just zero in on it and start telling me what color my nails should be, what colors to wear and basically that I'm weird, deviant and bizarre and have no taste. None of that is true. I also encounter the appearance abuse stuff at work a lot. Attacks on the cleavage (I'm sorry, but without wearing a flannel shirt buttoned up to my collar bones, I don't know how to hide the fact that I'm a woman and a hint of cleavage is occaisionally noticed and attacked), the body, looking too sexy or (I work in advertising), not looking sexy enough. You can't win. Bossy, bitchy, mean controlling people accept jobs as " the boss " and then they use their position to bully other people. I think its a universal truth. I live in a rather shallow and conservative state and I am not shallow and I am REALLY not conservative. So I seem to be a lightening rod for this type of bullying. My current boss seems to have a mega issue with my legs. I like to wear dresses and she comments nearly every day that I should wear pants instead of dresses - Sorry but I'm covered to the knee with my skirt and paired with black tights? No, i don't think that's too much leg. She is just short and self concious about her legs so in bully fashion she has to attack mine. Sometimes I get so sick of people!!!! On Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 12:13 AM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Do you still truly believe it was an accident? Honestly? > > If it really was just an accident, she would have apologized and offered to > replace it. > > It was no accident, me dear. > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - > wacking it > > > > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and > verbal > > > > > > abuse > > > > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair > issues - in > > > > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada > bitching > > > > > > about it. > > > > > > > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your > nada use > > > > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church > clothes > > > > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a > size 6 or 8 > > > > > > young woman. UGH > > > > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to > school > > > > > > for > > > > > > weeks on end > > > > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how > difficult I am. > > > > > > > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Oh, wow...here we go: 1. The polyester pants with the words " Do Not Bend " emblazoned across the butt. 2. The salmon-pink polyester pantsuit with a large picture of Holly Hobby on the back of the blazer when I was about 13 (and never into Holly Hobby type stuff). 3. The endless sweatshirts with quilted penguins, puppies, etc.--again, totally not my style. Nada would cry if I didn't wear them. 4. The numerous items of clothing that I had purchased with my own money that she threw out because she didn't like them--and these weren't skimpy or inappropriate clothes, they were t-shirts and pants. 5. The rage I got from my dad when I told him I needed to go out to get socks, again with my own money. I still don't get that one. 6. Another rage I got from my dad over my tears when he shrunk the beautiful Norwegian wool sweater that my then-boyfriend/first love had sent to me while doing his year as an exchange student overseas. My dad never did laundry but yelled at me because I should have known he would launder it if I left it on the floor of my own room. 7. Oh, and here's one of those " in retrospect, that's actually really creepy " kind of memories--nada sent me to get my senior pictures taken, telling me " just be yourself " , so I did, wearing my favorite shirt and pants, hair styled the way I liked it--a little funky, but nothing over the top. When the pictures came back, my nada was so upset, saying she couldn't possibly send them to her friends and relatives. She sent me back to the photographer's wearing HER dress and hair curled the way she liked it. Those were the pictures that were distributed. There's more, but I'm getting angry again...I have three kids, and I would never do any of these things to them. Wouldn't even consider it. > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal abuse > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > about it. > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > young woman. UGH > - Bought very small clothes > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school for > weeks on end > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Amazing the situations I've buried from childhood that end up getting raised here! Nada insisted on making my clothes--horrid dresses with peter pan collars, STRETCH pants with a bead down the middle. I could not wear jeans, I could not pick out a pattern style or fabric. Everyone wore jeans then--the early 70s--I was mercilessly teased. She insisted that we had to make our own clothes because fada was paid so little (BS). She'd only buy tops because she wasn't proficient enough at sewing to do button holes and regular collars. I finally rebelled and started buying clothes for myself with my allowance as soon as I was permitted to ride my bike to the local mall. I gotta go throw up now. Thanks for the purging session. > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal abuse > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > about it. > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > young woman. UGH > - Bought very small clothes > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school for > weeks on end > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 The themes that seem to be repeated from post to post is that the child is not regarded as a separate individual with her own needs, feelings and tastes by the bpd parent. The child is an object only, and is supposed to simply reflect whoever or whatever the personality-disordered parent wants the object to represent. We're just their dollies that they get to dress and play with or ignore, depending on their own whim. That's it. Dolls don't have feelings. Mine wanted us to dress alike. Truly. When I was a child /preteen /teen I was supposed to be her " mini me. " And I was so eager to please her, scared of her and enmeshed with her, I let her. However, when she cut off my ponytail and gave me a permanent so I'd have poofy curly hair like she did, I went kind of dead. Photos of me from around age 10-11 look rather creepy, like I'm a propped up dead kid. My eyes look dead and I'm never smiling. I felt feminine with my ponytail swinging. I loved having long hair and a ponytail, and when she cut it off it felt like I was being punished, and I felt ugly. For some reason it was deeply shaming, and I didn't even do anything bad. My crime? Nada told me that my ears were big and ugly and stuck out, and I needed to have shorter curly hair to cover them up. None of my friends or classmates had ever told me my ears were ugly, and several of my friends had ponytails too, so all our ears showed. Guess what? Surprise, surprise. Nada felt that *her* ears were big and ugly and stuck out, so, that meant that mine did too so they had to be covered up like hers. And my wishes in the matter meant nothing. And I better not cry about it or I'd get smacked around and screamed at. It was only in my late teens that I began asserting myself RE having my own style and buying my own clothes, and it was like WWIII. Again, the bpd's child is merely an object. The bpd parent is (in some cases) operating at a 2- to 4-year-old (or otherwise severely immature) emotional level: like a mean, spoiled, malicious little bully in the body of an adult. And its as though most people just can't wrap their minds around this concept. We can accept the idea that a person's intelligence can be impaired, that they're only able to *think* at a small child's level of intelligence (or in a range of sub-adult years), probably because sub-normal intelligence is more obvious. But the concept of being *emotionally impaired* and only able to process and express *feelings* at the level of a very small child, while having the intelligence of an adult and the body of an adult is... incomprehensible. For the same reason that nobody hands a newborn infant (or puppy) to a 4-year-old to care for alone and just walk away, nobody should hand a newborn infant to a woman with a Cluster B pd and just walk off. Its unconscionable. -Annie > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal abuse > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > about it. > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > young woman. UGH > > - Bought very small clothes > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school for > > weeks on end > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 > 7. Oh, and here's one of those " in retrospect, that's actually really creepy " kind of memories--nada sent me to get my senior pictures taken, telling me " just be yourself " , so I did, wearing my favorite shirt and pants, hair styled the way I liked it--a little funky, but nothing over the top. When the pictures came back, my nada was so upset, saying she couldn't possibly send them to her friends and relatives. She sent me back to the photographer's wearing HER dress and hair curled the way she liked it. Those were the pictures that were distributed. > OMG OMG OMG! That is totally my story! I had asked my mother what she wanted me to wear, and she got mad at me and said I should be picking my own clothes. So, thinking about all the senior pictures I had seen in years past of my older friends and acquaintances, I picked out some jeans and a couple of nice short-sleeved sweaters. She wanted me to go to the appointment on my own, so I did. But then when the proofs came in, she went with me to the studio to order pictures. She could barely contain her rage in front of the employee. She asked for some time to look at them alone, and then told me how horrible they looked and how she couldn't order any of them because it was just too embarrassing, I was so stupid and always chose the ugliest clothes, jeans are so tacky, she could never show those to her friends, etc., etc. At least she didn't dress me up her way and make me do it all over again. This is the first example that came to mind when I started reading about BPD and the " no-win situation. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 > > The themes that seem to be repeated from post to post is that the child is not regarded as a separate individual with her own needs, feelings and tastes by the bpd parent. The child is an object only, and is supposed to simply reflect whoever or whatever the personality-disordered parent wants the object to represent. We're just their dollies that they get to dress and play with or ignore, depending on their own whim. That's it. Dolls don't have feelings. > Yes, I always felt like my mom was trying to dress a doll to take to show-and-tell. We fought about clothes almost as far back as I can remember. The first time she called me a b*tch was when I was in about 4th or 5th grade and didn't like any of the outfits she wanted me to buy at the store. She would always make me try on all kinds of things and then get furious when I didn't want the ones she thought were pretty. She'd say, " You do this on purpose to hurt me, you only don't like those because I do! " Um, no, I didn't like them because they would have been appropriate for, say, my grandmother, but not for a teenager! She sent my sister with me to try on wedding dresses. I found one I totally loved; every time I had seen it in a catalogue I had loved it--even in different poses--and would then see the name of the dress and realize it must be what I wanted! I tried on a lot of dresses, but THE dress is the one I still loved. Well, just hearing that I had found a wonderful dress wasn't good enough, she made me go back to the shop with only her. I tried on the dress, and then she made me try on all of the other dresses I had tried on before. (I was still pretty young and hadn't figured out I could just tell her no). She of course loved the one that made me look like an Italian from the 1920s, lace and long sleeves and a waist like a Disney princess. My style is totally simple, and this thing was way over-the-top. I refused to buy it and insisted that I would be buying the dress I liked. " I just don't understand why you don't want to look pretty, KT. " That was a common statement, too...she was perplexed that I would want to look horrible just to spite her. But she never had a wedding, and I knew even then that this was an attempt to use me to fulfill her own dream. But the most abusive clothing-related incident was about jeans. I'm very tall and have to buy my clothes from specialty stores. She always made me show her the clothes I tried on to make sure they fit, and she bought me about 3 pairs of the exact same jeans. I wore them for most of my senior year, and then in a rage one time she screamed at me that I looked like a slut in those jeans that were so tight they showed my " tutu " (her word for female genitalia, *barf*) to everyone. I was mortified that that could have happened, and embarrassed that I might have been walking around school with a camel toe! And so I told her I never would have worn them if I had known, and if she hadn't approved of them enough to buy me THREE PAIRS of the damn things! She was always trying to get me to buy bikinis, too, instead of the one-pieces I prefer, so this was bizarre. I think now it was just using me and my skinny young body as a projection of how she wished she could be. She has been at least 100 pounds overweight as long as I can remember. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 > > Oh, like how my mother always made me wear her old clothes, including her bras and underwear, even though I have small hips and her pants never fit me or that my chest was a C cup and she was barely a B cup? > WTF! Her UNDERWEAR? That is freaking disgusting! What a nutcase. Sorry you had to go through that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 This whole line is so interesting to me. My dad got together with stepnada when I was about 14 or 15--that was my introduction to all the bpd mental games and weirdness. One of the first situations with stepnada involved clothes. I had a really cute outfit, a peach-colored stylish skirt and blouse that I had bought with my own money. It looked really good on me, and I had only worn it a couple times. I was going to wash it, and stepnada said, " No, I'll do that. " I protested because it needed to be line-dried so it wouldn't shrink and she crabbed at me: " You think I don't know how to do laundry? " So I didn't say anything more, and guess what. She put it in the dryer and of course it shrunk to the point where it was ugly and didn't fit (it had also faded a lot--had she put bleach in too?). When I mentioned the shrunken skirt, she threw a big fit and spent the rest of the day in bed crying about how worthless she was and couldn't do anything right. She turned the situation so it was all about her. She never offered to replace the skirt. I always thought it was an accident, but after reading these posts, I don't think so any more. She has a daughter exactly my age, and stepnada always wants to present her daughter as better looking and better dressed than me (which honestly she is anyway). This also explains why the stepsister got all the adorable outfits and I got all the uglies. Jill > > When I was a teenager,anything I bought with my own money that looked good on me got shrunk in the dryer so I couldn't wear it.Then nada would have a fit about how she was " only trying to help me " by doing my laundry and if I didn't like it I could do it myself,then she had a fit if I did my own laundry. > > I was very embarassed about being " busty " as a teenager and she bought me tight sweaters that made me feel really exposed--when I didn't want to wear them she shamed me about how " most people would die to have your figure " (which she didn't have) and buy me bras and make a big to do about having me go try on the bras she bought in front of fada,embarassing me more.Of course she got mad if I didn't appreciate her " help " . > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Holy crap, this is the first time I realised how abnormal that was! My mother would take me out clothing shopping and she'd pull something out and say " What do you think of this? " and I'd respond " Um, that's kind of not me " (because it was for someone her age), then right there in the middle of the store she'd start ranting about a)how the only reason I didn't like it was because she did and b)I was ungrateful. I spent years explaining to her that we are two different people, thus we like different clothing and it's not a personal attack. Her ability to remember that comes and goes, meanwhile I'm 23 years old now. As far as the holding things over my head, my mother still does that to both me and my little sister. This applies to random stuff she's bought us, birthday presents, christmas presents, borrowed money that's been paid back etc. The problem is if you don't accept the " gift " then there's a huge fight about why we won't and why were ungrateful. The most embarrassing thing she's done lately is this... I had to borrow money from my Dad in order to pay for gifts for my family members and I said I'd pay him back when I started working (I lost my job just before Christmas). My Mum and I are visiting her family and she starts telling them all about how I'm unemployed and they've given (key word is given not borrowed) me x amount of dollars. She actually gave them specified amounts! I'm not allowed to tell my extended family that I'm mentally ill and how this has affected my life over the past 10 years, how exactly are they going to understand my current financial situation? If I turned around and did similar things to her, I'd be killed and left as food for wild animals. Sometimes I dream about becoming extremely rich (I'm not really money oriented) and paying off her debt/mortgage, then holding it over her head for a while. I would never do it because it would hurt my dad, but sometimes I'd just like her to feel the things I feel. > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > > abuse > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > about it. > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > young woman. UGH > > - Bought very small clothes > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school > > for > > weeks on end > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Yeah. Right. " Oops. Gee... sorry about that. " and then *not offering to replace the ruined item(s)?!* THAT'S the indicator that the " accident " was not an accident at all and step-nada was not sorry at all. The histrionic boo-hooing in your step-nada's case was to make it appear on the surface that she was sorry, but really it was just a smoke-screen. By *appearing* to become histrionically upset herself she made *you* feel guilty for upsetting *her* so you wouldn't even ask her to replace what she'd ruined. So, she turned the tables on you. Get it? You were *played.* What a slick, underhanded little piece of work that was! Its truly bullying behavior to manipulate a kid that way. And highly indicative of narcissistic pd, in my opinion. Over the course of my lifetime I've screwed up now and then. I borrowed a book from an old friend and subsequently lost the book, and I bought my friend a new one because that was the right thing to do. I borrowed a DVD from a different friend and lost it, and bought her a replacement for it, brand new. (Turns out the dvd fell between the back of the sofa and the wall, so now I have that DVD.) I borrowed a ceramic piece from a different friend and managed to break it (GAAAHH!!) and spent QUITE a bit of money replacing that damned thing. I have never borrowed anything really valuable from anyone, since then. In fact, I have become kind of phobic about borrowing stuff! I can't be trusted! But the point is that I was genuinely sorry that I lost or broke something that belonged to a friend, and I made a point of replacing the items because I cared about my friends' feelings and because it was the right thing to do. NOT replacing a ruined or lost item is a covert, indirect, passive-aggressive " Up yours, screw you, ha, ha, got you! " In my opinion. -Annie > > This whole line is so interesting to me. My dad got together with stepnada when I was about 14 or 15--that was my introduction to all the bpd mental games and weirdness. One of the first situations with stepnada involved clothes. I had a really cute outfit, a peach-colored stylish skirt and blouse that I had bought with my own money. It looked really good on me, and I had only worn it a couple times. I was going to wash it, and stepnada said, " No, I'll do that. " I protested because it needed to be line-dried so it wouldn't shrink and she crabbed at me: " You think I don't know how to do laundry? " So I didn't say anything more, and guess what. She put it in the dryer and of course it shrunk to the point where it was ugly and didn't fit (it had also faded a lot--had she put bleach in too?). When I mentioned the shrunken skirt, she threw a big fit and spent the rest of the day in bed crying about how worthless she was and couldn't do anything right. She turned the situation so it was all about her. She never offered to replace the skirt. I always thought it was an accident, but after reading these posts, I don't think so any more. She has a daughter exactly my age, and stepnada always wants to present her daughter as better looking and better dressed than me (which honestly she is anyway). This also explains why the stepsister got all the adorable outfits and I got all the uglies. > > Jill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Wow, I cant believe these stories. If I get in to grad school, I'm going to do my disseration on appearance/clothing abuse. On Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 4:10 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Yeah. Right. " Oops. Gee... sorry about that. " and then *not offering to > replace the ruined item(s)?!* > > THAT'S the indicator that the " accident " was not an accident at all and > step-nada was not sorry at all. > > The histrionic boo-hooing in your step-nada's case was to make it appear on > the surface that she was sorry, but really it was just a smoke-screen. By > *appearing* to become histrionically upset herself she made *you* feel > guilty for upsetting *her* so you wouldn't even ask her to replace what > she'd ruined. So, she turned the tables on you. Get it? You were *played.* > What a slick, underhanded little piece of work that was! > > Its truly bullying behavior to manipulate a kid that way. And highly > indicative of narcissistic pd, in my opinion. > > Over the course of my lifetime I've screwed up now and then. I borrowed a > book from an old friend and subsequently lost the book, and I bought my > friend a new one because that was the right thing to do. I borrowed a DVD > from a different friend and lost it, and bought her a replacement for it, > brand new. (Turns out the dvd fell between the back of the sofa and the > wall, so now I have that DVD.) I borrowed a ceramic piece from a different > friend and managed to break it (GAAAHH!!) and spent QUITE a bit of money > replacing that damned thing. I have never borrowed anything really valuable > from anyone, since then. In fact, I have become kind of phobic about > borrowing stuff! I can't be trusted! > > But the point is that I was genuinely sorry that I lost or broke something > that belonged to a friend, and I made a point of replacing the items because > I cared about my friends' feelings and because it was the right thing to do. > > > NOT replacing a ruined or lost item is a covert, indirect, > passive-aggressive " Up yours, screw you, ha, ha, got you! " > > In my opinion. > > -Annie > > > > > > This whole line is so interesting to me. My dad got together with > stepnada when I was about 14 or 15--that was my introduction to all the bpd > mental games and weirdness. One of the first situations with stepnada > involved clothes. I had a really cute outfit, a peach-colored stylish skirt > and blouse that I had bought with my own money. It looked really good on me, > and I had only worn it a couple times. I was going to wash it, and stepnada > said, " No, I'll do that. " I protested because it needed to be line-dried so > it wouldn't shrink and she crabbed at me: " You think I don't know how to do > laundry? " So I didn't say anything more, and guess what. She put it in the > dryer and of course it shrunk to the point where it was ugly and didn't fit > (it had also faded a lot--had she put bleach in too?). When I mentioned the > shrunken skirt, she threw a big fit and spent the rest of the day in bed > crying about how worthless she was and couldn't do anything right. She > turned the situation so it was all about her. She never offered to replace > the skirt. I always thought it was an accident, but after reading these > posts, I don't think so any more. She has a daughter exactly my age, and > stepnada always wants to present her daughter as better looking and better > dressed than me (which honestly she is anyway). This also explains why the > stepsister got all the adorable outfits and I got all the uglies. > > > > Jill > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 10, 2011 Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Annie, GS, and everyone, Thanks for the validation. That felt good. Looking back on the situation, I agree with you totally, Annie. It WAS an " up yours, screw you, ha ha got you " experience. Jill > > > > > > This whole line is so interesting to me. My dad got together with > > stepnada when I was about 14 or 15--that was my introduction to all the bpd > > mental games and weirdness. One of the first situations with stepnada > > involved clothes. I had a really cute outfit, a peach-colored stylish skirt > > and blouse that I had bought with my own money. It looked really good on me, > > and I had only worn it a couple times. I was going to wash it, and stepnada > > said, " No, I'll do that. " I protested because it needed to be line-dried so > > it wouldn't shrink and she crabbed at me: " You think I don't know how to do > > laundry? " So I didn't say anything more, and guess what. She put it in the > > dryer and of course it shrunk to the point where it was ugly and didn't fit > > (it had also faded a lot--had she put bleach in too?). When I mentioned the > > shrunken skirt, she threw a big fit and spent the rest of the day in bed > > crying about how worthless she was and couldn't do anything right. She > > turned the situation so it was all about her. She never offered to replace > > the skirt. I always thought it was an accident, but after reading these > > posts, I don't think so any more. She has a daughter exactly my age, and > > stepnada always wants to present her daughter as better looking and better > > dressed than me (which honestly she is anyway). This also explains why the > > stepsister got all the adorable outfits and I got all the uglies. > > > > > > Jill > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2011 Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Thank you for your understanding,Annie I appreciate it and I appreciate all of your posts to me and to the other members.I wish I had more time right now to really respond to the posts on the board but at the moment I'm having to kind of rush through whatever I manage to reply to. I hadn't thought of this before but actually you're right: nada's behavior about the bras was " exhibitionism by proxy " which seems to me to be her bit of Histrionic PD interacting with her BPD.If I am a mere extension of her,then I " should " exhibit myself the same way she does.One of her sick things was going through the house naked,including right into my brother's room to " talk " to him. There was actually some weird somewhat incestuous stuff happening in that household: nada with my brother and fada with me.I haven't mentioned this on here before because it isn't on the order of the actual sex abuse that I endured but from the time I was about thirteen onwards fada looked at me like a man,not like a father.Like,I'd " catch " him staring at my breasts or legs like a man and I could sense this sick lust emanating from him.It was really creepy. Strangely,nada also fixated in a sick sexual way on my brother once he got to be a teenager. With the bra exhibitionism I would automatically dissociate so that is how she got me to " comply " .Because fada's creepy gaze was too much.Sometimes I'd just " go away " and other times I'd be " out of my body " and watching it all from up on the ceiling. I have wondered if one of the reasons why fada was so rejecting of me from the age of five onwards was because he was tempted to incest me.Thank god he didn't. But I feel like nada *did* by allowing me to be sexually abused when I realize now she had to have known it was happening and with my sixth grade teacher she did know for sure...I think she had fantasies of being a " slut " (and actually was one as a teenager) that she used me to live out for her: the very dark side of Histrionic PD interacting with BPD interacting with psychopathy...Because *for her* having say my sixth grade teacher panting over her would have been a thrill or having fada lusting over her " bustiness " would have been a turn on. Man,is it sick... > > Ewww. YOur nada's behavior is even more creepy, like she was trying to turn you into a sexual object for her own gratification and/or your fada's by such behaviors as shrinking your clothes deliberately and forcing you to expose yourself in your underwear to your own dad, how revolting is that?! Exhibitionism by proxy! With your foo it was just one abuse after another with virtually no normal, sane, kind, loving, parental behaviors sandwiched in there at all. > Holy freaking cow! > We really are just objects to them, not fellow human beings with feelings. > > -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 11, 2011 Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 ((((())))) I agree; your parents and my nada and so many of the other bpd family members posted about here were so deeply, incredibly sick, and yet able for most of their lives to appear just fine in public. That is the biggest problem, the most unsolvable problem: when severely disturbed parents can wear that " mask of sanity " in public and pass as normal, while slowly destroying their children behind closed doors. But all of this, all of these things we post about and discuss here, this litany of covert abuse is exactly why I continue to believe that those with severe, untreated personality disorder of the Cluster B variety simply SHOULD NOT BE RAISING CHILDREN at all. Its almost like giving a baby mouse to a mother cat to nurture. The result is virtually inevitable and tragic for the mouse. There just really, desperately needs to be more public awareness of what constitutes emotional abuse of children. -Annie > > Thank you for your understanding,Annie I appreciate it and I appreciate all of your posts to me and to the other members.I wish I had more time right now to really respond to the posts on the board but at the moment I'm having to kind of rush through whatever I manage to reply to. > > I hadn't thought of this before but actually you're right: nada's behavior about the bras was " exhibitionism by proxy " which seems to me to be her bit of Histrionic PD interacting with her BPD.If I am a mere extension of her,then I " should " exhibit myself the same way she does.One of her sick things was going through the house naked,including right into my brother's room to " talk " to him. > > There was actually some weird somewhat incestuous stuff happening in that household: nada with my brother and fada with me.I haven't mentioned this on here before because it isn't on the order of the actual sex abuse that I endured but from the time I was about thirteen onwards fada looked at me like a man,not like a father.Like,I'd " catch " him staring at my breasts or legs like a man and I could sense this sick lust emanating from him.It was really creepy. > > Strangely,nada also fixated in a sick sexual way on my brother once he got to be a teenager. > > With the bra exhibitionism I would automatically dissociate so that is how she got me to " comply " .Because fada's creepy gaze was too much.Sometimes I'd just " go away " and other times I'd be " out of my body " and watching it all from up on the ceiling. > > I have wondered if one of the reasons why fada was so rejecting of me from the age of five onwards was because he was tempted to incest me.Thank god he didn't. > > But I feel like nada *did* by allowing me to be sexually abused when I realize now she had to have known it was happening and with my sixth grade teacher she did know for sure...I think she had fantasies of being a " slut " (and actually was one as a teenager) that she used me to live out for her: the very dark side of Histrionic PD interacting with BPD interacting with psychopathy...Because *for her* having say my sixth grade teacher panting over her would have been a thrill or having fada lusting over her " bustiness " would have been a turn on. > > Man,is it sick... > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 WOW! I can't believe so many people had similar clothing horror stories to tell. Looking back on our childhood, in photos, I'm always amazed at how terrible me and my sisters look. Clothing in sizes way too big, baggy, hanging and faded. I remember shopping for school clothes and every where we went we only got clothing that nada liked. As an eighth grader (13-years-old) I was accepted into an honor band festival for high schoolers. Most of the participants where juniors and seniors. I was super excited- until after shopping for a dress to wear. My nada found a dress suited for a 50-year-old elementary school teacher! Kind of loose, with a built-in vest. The fabric was checked, black and white blocks. I wanted to cry. Here I was- with older students and so wanting to fit in. I could play alto sax on the same level and was as mature as many but I felt so ashamed in that dress and could see the others snickering. The worst part about it is that I had to wear that dress four years- because the dress requirements for the honor band didn't change year after year. On the wall in the band room at school hung pictures of each group of kids that got to participate and there I am, year after year, in the same damn dress. Finally, as a junior I had hoarded just enough money to buy myself a dress. Now, I wouldn't have been able to buy myself any clothes-because we were never allowed to have money unless we got it from grandparents and relatives for our birthday or something. During honor band everyone got to go to the mall for lunch and I bought my dress then. I loved it! It was in style and better yet: it was MY style. Not nadas. Nada, unexpectedly, was pissed when she saw me in my dress during the concert. Of course I got comments like- well, you look fat in it, I don't like the color, I don't like the style, etc. I didn't care!!! This clothing abuse has manifested itself in my adult life in surprising ways and I'm curious if anyone can relate to this? Example: I always had to wear the ugliest, cheapest shoes. Now, I have a closet full of shoes I love. Jeans: I have a hard time NOT buying jeans I love. I do this with jewelry, bras, etc. Maybe I'm only thinking my clothing purchases are tied to the clothing abuse because, as you all know, we never get to be " girly " growing up. (I only got make-up, finally, as a junior in high school. My best friend's mother bought it for me. She said it was payment for helping her daughter with math homework.) I never got to splurge or create my own identity. I don't know if this is normal behavior or if I'm trying to indulge my inner-child that had to go without! Thoughts on this? > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - wacking it > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal abuse > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - in > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada bitching > > about it. > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada use > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 or 8 > > young woman. UGH > > - Bought very small clothes > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to school for > > weeks on end > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I am. > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 Hahahaha! I'm sorry, the story of the dress that's best suited for a matronly schoolteacher, I had exactly the same problem! It was 8th grade and I was getting confirmed. I needed a new dress for the occasion, I guess, so fada took me and the whole family out to Dress Barn to get a dress. I looked around, wasn't too thrilled by the options, because it was all old-lady styles. Fada was getting a little...strange...because I wasn't acting very excited about the dresses in Dress Barn. So he and mom found some dresses since I was obviously having a hard time finding something that would be decent for an 8th grader, and made me try them on. I tried on a salmon pink dress with an attached jacket--it was like a faux suit dress, with these big flower embroidery down the front, and it had SHOULDER PADS. I felt like a football player in it and was less than thrilled by it. But it fit me, and Fada picked it out, so I couldn't turn it down without hurting his feelings, and he was getting stressed, mom was frustrated, and my little siblings were all getting tired of the store. So, Fada bought it. I wore it for my confirmation. This 8th grader, in a granny dress, with granny white sandals, and big bushy frizzy hair and shoulder pads, pimples...I was entirely uncool among my big confirmation class. Everybody else had nice dresses and suits. Perhaps people thought it was a homeschooler thing. But goes to show how fadas shouldn't dictate the fashion of an 8th grader girl. LOL. Holly On Sat, Feb 12, 2011 at 8:04 PM, blairkoch@... wrote: > > > WOW! > > I can't believe so many people had similar clothing horror stories to tell. > > > Looking back on our childhood, in photos, I'm always amazed at how terrible > me and my sisters look. > > Clothing in sizes way too big, baggy, hanging and faded. > > I remember shopping for school clothes and every where we went we only got > clothing that nada liked. > > As an eighth grader (13-years-old) I was accepted into an honor band > festival for high schoolers. Most of the participants where juniors and > seniors. > > I was super excited- until after shopping for a dress to wear. > > My nada found a dress suited for a 50-year-old elementary school teacher! > Kind of loose, with a built-in vest. The fabric was checked, black and white > blocks. > > I wanted to cry. Here I was- with older students and so wanting to fit in. > I could play alto sax on the same level and was as mature as many but I felt > so ashamed in that dress and could see the others snickering. > > The worst part about it is that I had to wear that dress four years- > because the dress requirements for the honor band didn't change year after > year. On the wall in the band room at school hung pictures of each group of > kids that got to participate and there I am, year after year, in the same > damn dress. > > Finally, as a junior I had hoarded just enough money to buy myself a dress. > Now, I wouldn't have been able to buy myself any clothes-because we were > never allowed to have money unless we got it from grandparents and relatives > for our birthday or something. > During honor band everyone got to go to the mall for lunch and I bought my > dress then. > > I loved it! It was in style and better yet: it was MY style. Not nadas. > > Nada, unexpectedly, was pissed when she saw me in my dress during the > concert. Of course I got comments like- well, you look fat in it, I don't > like the color, I don't like the style, etc. > > I didn't care!!! > > This clothing abuse has manifested itself in my adult life in surprising > ways and I'm curious if anyone can relate to this? > > Example: I always had to wear the ugliest, cheapest shoes. > Now, I have a closet full of shoes I love. > > Jeans: I have a hard time NOT buying jeans I love. > > I do this with jewelry, bras, etc. > > Maybe I'm only thinking my clothing purchases are tied to the clothing > abuse because, as you all know, we never get to be " girly " growing up. (I > only got make-up, finally, as a junior in high school. My best friend's > mother bought it for me. She said it was payment for helping her daughter > with math homework.) I never got to splurge or create my own identity. I > don't know if this is normal behavior or if I'm trying to indulge my > inner-child that had to go without! > > Thoughts on this? > > > > > > > > We've talked on this group about how nadas us hair to abuse us - > wacking it > > > off short, burns with curling irons, beating with hairbrush and verbal > abuse > > > about how ugly your hair is girlscout. . . I have major hair issues - > in > > > pictures it looks beautiful but in my minds eye I just hear nada > bitching > > > about it. > > > > > > But we haven't talked as much about CLOTHING ABUSE. How did your nada > use > > > clothes to abuse you - here's mine: > > > - Bought my boy clothes in boy colors with no feminine options > > > - made me feel so crappy that I was embarrased to wear church clothes > > > - bought clothes too big almost all the time - sixe XXXL for a size 6 > or 8 > > > young woman. UGH > > > - Bought very small clothes > > > - Refused to do my laundry so that I had to wear dirty clothes to > school for > > > weeks on end > > > - humiliated me by swearing at the sales clerks about how difficult I > am. > > > > > > I may make this into a poem. What are your experiences? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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