Guest guest Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Hugs, Em. You know I toootally hear you. When you said --- " All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. <<GOD ESPECIALLY THAT PART The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. " ---- it felt like you were talking about my life. I try not to think about it too much, what I would be like if I hadn't been molded into the fearful, anxious, phobic person at her feet... Fiona > > Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. > Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. > This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. > A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. > But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. > I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. > I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? > But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. > All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. > Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. > Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. > I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 That was my nada too, although I stopped doing stuff for her because not only was she a bottomless pit of need, she was constantly needly to the point I'm amazed she could go to the bathroom by herself! I steeped out of her way which my therapist (the good one) agreed with. Unfortunately this caused a propblem with her friends. proflaf Subject: Bottomless Pit of Need To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, February 8, 2011, 11:40 PM  Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 There were times when mine couldn't go by herself. Sigh. I wanted to unsend that last night. Started feeling so guilty. Like I am a horrible person complaining about taking care of a poor old lady. I couldn't sleep all night, and while tossing and turning started thinking that my biggest issue right now is rage. Terrible rage. All the dementia and the decline that put her into this situation stems from a suicide attempt and near fatal overdose. I have so much anger inside and need to get it out before it becomes depression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 A baseball bat & a body bag (or a mattress) is the best way to bring it all to the surface. When the anger turns to hot tears you know you've hit the sweet spot. Hardest part for me was getting everyone out of the house so I could tear into my rage without upsetting them. > > There were times when mine couldn't go by herself. Sigh. > I wanted to unsend that last night. Started feeling so guilty. Like I am a horrible person complaining about taking care of a poor old lady. > I couldn't sleep all night, and while tossing and turning started thinking that my biggest issue right now is rage. Terrible rage. All the dementia and the decline that put her into this situation stems from a suicide attempt and near fatal overdose. I have so much anger inside and need to get it out before it becomes depression. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 I have to let you both know that I also hear you. I am sooooooo mad at myself for letting myself be so miserable when my mother was alive. Yes, you're right, it does end when they die but there are also a whole host of other issues that come with that part too. My mother demanded I speak to her on the phone many times a day, flipped out if I went anywhere on vacation...literally acted like a complete idiot. Many times it was as if I was talking to a woman whose emotional maturity never went past 6 years old. RI.DIC.U.LOUS behaviors...beyond what I could even describe. I am 40 now and I regret so much. I regret that I didn't get myself into therapy sooner and realize that it wasn't me, it was her. Re: Bottomless Pit of Need Hugs, Em. You know I toootally hear you. When you said --- " All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. <<GOD ESPECIALLY THAT PART The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. " ---- it felt like you were talking about my life. I try not to think about it too much, what I would be like if I hadn't been molded into the fearful, anxious, phobic person at her feet... Fiona > > Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. > Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. > This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. > A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. > But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. > I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. > I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? > But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. > All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. > Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. > Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. > I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 That's so sad, it's like you were held hostage for most of your life. When a child is raised in virtual isolation by a extremely strong-willed, extremely needy or extremely scary/controlling/punitive parent(s), the child has no context or perspective to even realize that something is badly wrong. The parent's world-view and daily treatment of the child is her " normal. " Its almost like being raised in a toxic mini-cult, or being raised as a slave. I too wish for all those who are raised by such dysfunctional parents to be rescued from their cult-like foo and have a more normal life, earlier than later. At least you are free now, though, and " deprogramming " yourself from the " cult. " That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you! -Annie/anuria > > > > Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. > > Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. > > This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. > > A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. > > But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. > > I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. > > I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? > > But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. > > All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. > > Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. > > Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. > > I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 I often picture my mother as Jabba the Hut and myself as Princess Leia in the slave girl costume (when you speak of minnie cults and slavery). I know it sounds funny, but she really really did remind me of Jabba - controlling, greedy, ugly, hideous personality and atrocious dietary habits. As for me, well I haven't got much resemblance to Leia other than being the same gender, but what little girl didn't want to be her? On Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 12:41 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > That's so sad, it's like you were held hostage for most of your life. > > When a child is raised in virtual isolation by a extremely strong-willed, > extremely needy or extremely scary/controlling/punitive parent(s), the child > has no context or perspective to even realize that something is badly wrong. > The parent's world-view and daily treatment of the child is her " normal. " > > Its almost like being raised in a toxic mini-cult, or being raised as a > slave. > > I too wish for all those who are raised by such dysfunctional parents to be > rescued from their cult-like foo and have a more normal life, earlier than > later. > > At least you are free now, though, and " deprogramming " yourself from the > " cult. " That's wonderful, and I'm happy for you! > > -Annie/anuria > > > > > > > > Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have > Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of > paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out > that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home > fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her > stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. > > > Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a > little pity party for myself. > > > This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime > of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. > > > A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could > use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the > silver lining in this loss of part of my work. > > > But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one > whit closer. > > > I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already > found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. > > > I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a > happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? > > > But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented > it was that I feel it should have been me. > > > All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a > half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make > nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the > nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left > her. > > > Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting > doing nothing unhappy. > > > Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet > she still manages to consume me. > > > I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror > that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will > never end until she dies. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 <<Its almost like being raised in a toxic mini-cult>> Annie, that's such a good word picture. That IS what my upbringing was like. Esp as the good girl, I was the most devoted member of the cult! I've heard that as parents we should not parent our children *in reaction* to our upbringing, that is, that our kids' needs are different from what our own might have been. But it is so hard for me not to swing on the side of go, go, go, be free, speak your opinion (respectfully, of course), go, go have friends, develop good relationships, -- anything that is NOT like my own life. When I was in my early 20s, I was still living with my parents and my friend asked me to drive her to the airport. My father went apesh*t when I told him I was doing this, b/c the last time he asked me, I wouldn't do it (I was probably freaked at the thought of driving him anywhere; he made me super nervous when I was driving). He ranted and went on and on. He made me feel like crap, and my mother, of course, jumped on his bandwagon. So I called my friend and told her I couldn't. My father hadn't even asked me or " made " me call her to say I couldn't. I just did it. Like I was programmed to not displease him. Sorry this is so long! Almost done...the next time I saw my friend, she told me -- not in a mean or upset way, just honestly -- " when I picture you in my mind, I see a bird that's been held in a cage for a very long time. One day, someone opened the cage doors, you hopped out of the cage for a minute and looked around and then ran back in. And stayed there. Even with the door wide open. " I never forgot that. Anyway, Annie, your word picture reminded me of that. And I see that my friend was very right, even now I'm like that, with my agoraphobic tendencies. But at least I am more aware of it, not confused by it. Sigh!! And , I know it's been said so often, and you know this -- it's not too late to make up for lost time. I have to remind myself of this a lot. My life's theme songs alternate, depending on my mood, from " I Wanna Be Sedated " to " Before the Parade Passes By " (from " Hello Dolly! " )! Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 , My heart goes out to you reading your post. I hope you are eventually able to restart your life and accomplish the goals that you missed out on. I am in the process now of honoring myself and my goals too. I know it was just a vent, but I support you and see myself in your post. Latasha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 ((((HUGS))))) to you, ! Isn't is strange how their " drama " seems to sense when you have a break? It's like their life rushes in to claim any empty space! I'm so sorry you are going through this. There isn't anything easy or pretty about this story. And I don't blame you for being resentful. Or angry. Or hate-filled. Or whatever you feel. Several decades of having your needs and wants devoured by one person starts to add up, for crying out loud!!! It seems I've heard similiar stories on this board, which is only to say you aren't alone. You have people here who understand and will always support you. Blessings, Karla > > Just a vent. Need to express this to people who understand. I have Nada's condo under contract. It should close in a month. I have a bunch of paperwork to get together. Need to open the special bank account. Found out that when she dies the state will take all the money for the nursing home fees they are currently paying. Need to deal with emptying it and moving her stuff. Selling some and keeping the very few things I want. > Put bluntly, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. Having a little pity party for myself. > This just feels like yet another demand on my life energy in a lifetime of the bottomless pit of need that is nada. Give give give. Get nada. > A year and a half ago my income dropped in half. But I thought I could use the time to pursue a goal I had abandoned in my 20s and so I saw the silver lining in this loss of part of my work. > But alas the nada needs grew even more intense and here I am not one whit closer. > I saw an article about a young artist doing what I do who has already found success and my visceral reaction to her was hatred. Envious hatred. > I disgusted myself! How on earth could a 50-something woman with a happy marriage and beautiful home begrudge this girl success? > But on reflection I came to understand it was not the girl I resented it was that I feel it should have been me. > All the energy I have wasted. My life force. The nightly hour and a half phone calls. The tiptoeing and not doing things because it would make nada unhappy. Not taking trips because it was easier than dealing with the nada hysteria. Turning down scholarships because nada would " die " if I left her. > Not doing certain things out of this insane guilt that nada was sitting doing nothing unhappy. > Now she is in a nursing home and I only visit her every so often yet she still manages to consume me. > I don't know. Maybe this is just fatigue talking. I have this terror that the condo will be gone and then it will be something else. That it will never end until she dies. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 OH MAN, YES! " Like I was programmed to not displease him. " For me, I didn't know I was even doing it until I was 25. My nada kicked me out for calling the police when she threatened suicide, so I moved in with my grandmother. I only lived there a week before my gma said, " Why do you always tell me everywhere you are going when you leave the house? You are 25! " And then it hit me like a train... I had spent all those years meticulously outlining every daily agenda for my nada before I left the house. I even went to far as to feel guilty if I went somewhere I hadn't told her about. I made every place I went sound like it's not fun or glamorous in anyway ( " I wish I didn't have to go to work now " or " I'm going to a bday party.. I guess I'll just make an appearance " ) Truly, I was programmed to not displease nada. I accept that I did that to myself and that I could only save myself from that behavior, but her illness was intoxicating. Thankfully, when my cage was opened, I was shoved out the door, so I didn't have a chance to hop back in. Really, it saved me when she rejected me. > > <<Its almost like being raised in a toxic mini-cult>> > > Annie, that's such a good word picture. That IS what my upbringing was like. Esp as the good girl, I was the most devoted member of the cult! > > I've heard that as parents we should not parent our children *in reaction* to our upbringing, that is, that our kids' needs are different from what our own might have been. > > But it is so hard for me not to swing on the side of go, go, go, be free, speak your opinion (respectfully, of course), go, go have friends, develop good relationships, -- anything that is NOT like my own life. > > When I was in my early 20s, I was still living with my parents and my friend asked me to drive her to the airport. My father went apesh*t when I told him I was doing this, b/c the last time he asked me, I wouldn't do it (I was probably freaked at the thought of driving him anywhere; he made me super nervous when I was driving). He ranted and went on and on. He made me feel like crap, and my mother, of course, jumped on his bandwagon. > > So I called my friend and told her I couldn't. My father hadn't even asked me or " made " me call her to say I couldn't. I just did it. Like I was programmed to not displease him. > > Sorry this is so long! Almost done...the next time I saw my friend, she told me -- not in a mean or upset way, just honestly -- " when I picture you in my mind, I see a bird that's been held in a cage for a very long time. One day, someone opened the cage doors, you hopped out of the cage for a minute and looked around and then ran back in. And stayed there. Even with the door wide open. " I never forgot that. > > Anyway, Annie, your word picture reminded me of that. And I see that my friend was very right, even now I'm like that, with my agoraphobic tendencies. But at least I am more aware of it, not confused by it. Sigh!! > > And , I know it's been said so often, and you know this -- it's not too late to make up for lost time. I have to remind myself of this a lot. My life's theme songs alternate, depending on my mood, from " I Wanna Be Sedated " to " Before the Parade Passes By " (from " Hello Dolly! " )! > > Fiona > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 > > Isn't is strange how their " drama " seems to sense when you have a break? It's like their life rushes in to claim any empty space! > Man! Can I agree with this. Fada waits till I have a week off or a three day week end and bam! Tries to suck me dry. I got to the point I dreaded time off from work. One year when he still lived alone I went to see him right before school was out for the summer, he gave me that sly lower the head look up at you from hooded lashes look and said " schools out next week isn't it? " and lo and behold next week he was sick. I ache for all of you! Try and heal. I keep fada as LC as I can even though we live in the same house, that's what CNA's are for. Kay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 - You said you fear " it will never end until she dies. " I'm in exactly the same boat. No matter what I do, when I get to a place of some small victory, or some measure of personal peace, there she is with some new " fresh hell " of unsolvable, crisis-mode, costly emergency. It never ends. This has been going on since my Dad died in the late 80's when that " buffer " was removed and I inherited the full force of her neediness and insanity. You are not being overdramatic, and you're not just being self-indulgent to feel that you'll never escape until one of you is dead. I feel just the same way, and sometimes I don't really care which of us goes first! But here's what's changed in the past 18 months since I " discovered " BPD and started figuring all this stuff out - I now see my own life as having value, and I refuse - REFUSE - to let her gaping black hole of need define my life or get in the way of what I must do for my own family. Her needs will never be fully met. If you imagine everybody in your life standing in line, waiting for your time, attention, and resources - Nada is always and forever trying to push her way to the front, no matter how real or important your other priorities are. And of course, you are always expected to put yourself at the end of the line. So you never get to accomplish your own goals. Your needs simply don't have the same importance as whatever nutty notion she's come up with today. So all we can do is to set our own, invisible (to Nada) but unbreakable boundaries - she gets 10 minutes of phone time per day, or 20 minutes per week, or whatever YOU decide. If there's no medical emergency, that's enough time for her to pass along any important messages. Then just get off the phone. It does not matter if this makes her mad. She is going to be mad and upset and feel bereft no matter what you do. It JUST DOESN'T MATTER. But an hour and a half of phone time per day is a big chunk of your time and energy - and sapping that much from you makes a big difference in YOUR quality of life. That's 10 and a half hours in a 7-day week - nearly a full workday and a half. Think of what you could do if you used that time to pursue a goal! Yes, she'll sulk and tell people how terrible you are. Guess what? She'll do that anyway. So use a timer, hang up the darned phone, and start writing that novel - or whatever it was you were going to do. I assure you she will find some new victim - er, " friend " - to harangue. Best of luck to us both - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 I too, have finally decided that it will NEVER end until my mom dies. The care provider got sick, so I had to go over to my mom's and empty out the port a pot (whew!) and bring in some lunch. She refuses to use the regular toilet any more and I think it's just to control people more. We have one of those booster seats on top of the regular toilet seat and she still won't use it. Anyway, I do not talk to my mom much, but I mentioned to her that the care provider was sick. She started to tell me that the care provider wasn't sick but I just butted right back in to say that she was and I refused to listen to her own theory as to why the care provider didn't show up. I did the little chores around there and left. My mom makes absolutely no effort to converse with me. I get the silent treatment a lot! But, just as well because I don't have anything more to say to her. She could make one last effort to make things right on her death bed, but it wouldn't matter to me. I have moved on. So, as far as I am concerned, she can just tell the wall! So sad, but that's the way it is. I know I mentioned before she has been under Hospice care (and still is) two times. She gets to the point of death and then miraculously (for her, not for me!) recovers. Because she has Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, Hospice this second time,(and it's a different Hospice because she burned her bridges with the first one) is still keeping her on. She has three friends who visit with her each week, and it's interesting to hear what she tells them about me. They don't tell me, but the care provider does. My mom is the most critical human being I've ever been exposed to. I tell you, if it hadn't been for my dad (who was wonderful/ parents divorced of course) I would probably be a nut case myself. Annie > > - > > You said you fear " it will never end until she dies. " I'm in exactly the same boat. No matter what I do, when I get to a place of some small victory, or some measure of personal peace, there she is with some new " fresh hell " of unsolvable, crisis-mode, costly emergency. It never ends. This has been going on since my Dad died in the late 80's when that " buffer " was removed and I inherited the full force of her neediness and insanity. You are not being overdramatic, and you're not just being self-indulgent to feel that you'll never escape until one of you is dead. I feel just the same way, and sometimes I don't really care which of us goes first! > > But here's what's changed in the past 18 months since I " discovered " BPD and started figuring all this stuff out - I now see my own life as having value, and I refuse - REFUSE - to let her gaping black hole of need define my life or get in the way of what I must do for my own family. > > Her needs will never be fully met. If you imagine everybody in your life standing in line, waiting for your time, attention, and resources - Nada is always and forever trying to push her way to the front, no matter how real or important your other priorities are. And of course, you are always expected to put yourself at the end of the line. So you never get to accomplish your own goals. Your needs simply don't have the same importance as whatever nutty notion she's come up with today. > > So all we can do is to set our own, invisible (to Nada) but unbreakable boundaries - she gets 10 minutes of phone time per day, or 20 minutes per week, or whatever YOU decide. If there's no medical emergency, that's enough time for her to pass along any important messages. Then just get off the phone. It does not matter if this makes her mad. She is going to be mad and upset and feel bereft no matter what you do. It JUST DOESN'T MATTER. But an hour and a half of phone time per day is a big chunk of your time and energy - and sapping that much from you makes a big difference in YOUR quality of life. That's 10 and a half hours in a 7-day week - nearly a full workday and a half. Think of what you could do if you used that time to pursue a goal! Yes, she'll sulk and tell people how terrible you are. Guess what? She'll do that anyway. So use a timer, hang up the darned phone, and start writing that novel - or whatever it was you were going to do. I assure you she will find some new victim - er, " friend " - to harangue. > > Best of luck to us both - > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 This sounds just like Fada, only he lives with us. And I feel the same way it will never end until he dies, and he is 87. I am beginning to fear he will outlive me and I will never have even one day of freedom without him. I keep him LC even though he lives with us, but I have a great caretaker. I totally understand what you are going through. Kay > > > > - > > > > You said you fear " it will never end until she dies. " I'm in exactly the same boat. No matter what I do, when I get to a place of some small victory, or some measure of personal peace, there she is with some new " fresh hell " of unsolvable, crisis-mode, costly emergency. It never ends. This has been going on since my Dad died in the late 80's when that " buffer " was removed and I inherited the full force of her neediness and insanity. You are not being overdramatic, and you're not just being self-indulgent to feel that you'll never escape until one of you is dead. I feel just the same way, and sometimes I don't really care which of us goes first! > > > > But here's what's changed in the past 18 months since I " discovered " BPD and started figuring all this stuff out - I now see my own life as having value, and I refuse - REFUSE - to let her gaping black hole of need define my life or get in the way of what I must do for my own family. > > > > Her needs will never be fully met. If you imagine everybody in your life standing in line, waiting for your time, attention, and resources - Nada is always and forever trying to push her way to the front, no matter how real or important your other priorities are. And of course, you are always expected to put yourself at the end of the line. So you never get to accomplish your own goals. Your needs simply don't have the same importance as whatever nutty notion she's come up with today. > > > > So all we can do is to set our own, invisible (to Nada) but unbreakable boundaries - she gets 10 minutes of phone time per day, or 20 minutes per week, or whatever YOU decide. If there's no medical emergency, that's enough time for her to pass along any important messages. Then just get off the phone. It does not matter if this makes her mad. She is going to be mad and upset and feel bereft no matter what you do. It JUST DOESN'T MATTER. But an hour and a half of phone time per day is a big chunk of your time and energy - and sapping that much from you makes a big difference in YOUR quality of life. That's 10 and a half hours in a 7-day week - nearly a full workday and a half. Think of what you could do if you used that time to pursue a goal! Yes, she'll sulk and tell people how terrible you are. Guess what? She'll do that anyway. So use a timer, hang up the darned phone, and start writing that novel - or whatever it was you were going to do. I assure you she will find some new victim - er, " friend " - to harangue. > > > > Best of luck to us both - > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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