Your earliest childhood memory of your bpd parent?

[Guest guest]

This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to ask

here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a positive

memory or a negative one?

What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them.

I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved

to a new single-story single-family home.

My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding between

my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so I would

be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so that I

can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and begging

me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to her, but

then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think I was

still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her into

" the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person as

" my mommy " .

So, my first memory of nada is negative.

So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior toward

me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced, screaming

rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or distorted

things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or think) hurts

my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me with her hands

or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg for forgiveness

and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other times she'd act

as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd forget her promises

and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd get triggered into

rage over God knows what.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

That's a hard one for me. I have some childhood memories, but they tend to

stay buried, especially the negative ones.I know I have buried memories

because they tend to surface at the most inopportune times, or to surface

suddenly when something happens that forms an associative link.

Consequently, I can't remember much about fada. I do remember cutting my

brother's hair using a plastic pumpkin (for halloween) as a guide,

Pumpkin-bowl cut if you will. and using mom's sharp sewing scissors. I got

in trouble, but nothing real bad since it was mom who caught me, not fada.

Dad may have gotten mad--I don't ermember that part. I was probably ages

4-5.

I remember when we lived in an apartment, nad had a balcony, my mom filled

up a small swimming pool pitcher by pitcher so my baby brother and I could

play in it. Then she emptied it pitcher by pitcher. So patient, and it was

fun.

I remember playing " circus, " where my brother and I would lay down all our

pillows, couch cushions, and blankets and we had to bound from pillow to

pillow, or climb on the chairs in the kitchen/dining room, so we wouldn't

touch the " hot lava! " But when it was time for fada to come home, my mom

would make us put it away as best as we can, as fast as we can, because we

all knew a mess would make fada really angry.

So, perhaps, my first impression-memory is that we always were two people

growing up. We were ourselves with my mom, and then we were somebody else,

walking on eggshells, just before fada came home.

Holly

On Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 1:23 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting

> to ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

> positive memory or a negative one?

>

> What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in

> them. I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close

> to a window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on

> either side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little

> plastic swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose,

> this is happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been

> two or under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an

> upstairs apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was

> three we moved to a new single-story single-family home.

>

> My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

> between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house,

> so I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my

> ears so that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing

> piteously and begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad

> and want to go to her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to

> trick me! " So, I think I was still so little that when nada would rage and

> scream at me, I " split " her into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and

> violent, and not the same person as " my mommy " .

>

> So, my first memory of nada is negative.

>

> So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

> toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

> screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

> distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

> think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

> with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and

> beg for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes;

> other times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then

> she'd forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next

> time she'd get triggered into rage over God knows what.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The first real memory I have was probably around age 3 or so. We were living in

California and there were fires in the foothills just past our subdivision. I

remember nada packing all her good china in case we were going to evacuate. She

was so busy with her packing and had no time for me, I was told to just go play

quietly somewhere else. She rarely taught me anything, and only called for me

when she needed me for something or wanted to rage at someone. Most of my

childhood was spent being respectfully away from her so as not to upset her. She

was depressed and to herself most of the time, except when she was with my dad.

My earliest memory of dad was hiding in the bushes next to our porch every

night, so I could jump out at him with a " boo " and be scooped up and doted on.

Lovely, bittersweet memory.

>

> This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to

ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

positive memory or a negative one?

>

> What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them.

I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved

to a new single-story single-family home.

>

> My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so

I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so

that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and

begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to

her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think

I was still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her

into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person

as " my mommy " .

>

> So, my first memory of nada is negative.

>

> So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg

for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other

times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd

forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd

get triggered into rage over God knows what.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My stepmom is the one who I think might be BPD, but she didn't come into my

life

until I was 14.  The very first memory I have of her behavior is one day after

my dad had married her, she took my brother and I off to the side and

said,  " When I married your father, I didn't have to take you two in, but

because

I love your father, I love you two as well. "   I always thought that was a

strange thing to say to children.  My brother was 8 when this happened, so he

doesn't remember her saying that.  I remember her saying it at least twice.

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, February 10, 2011 1:23:57 PM

Subject: Your earliest childhood memory of your bpd parent?

 

This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to ask

here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a positive

memory or a negative one?

What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them. I

seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved to

a new single-story single-family home.

My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding between

my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so I would

be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so that I

can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and begging

me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to her, but

then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think I was

still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her into

" the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person as

" my mommy " .

So, my first memory of nada is negative.

So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior toward

me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced, screaming

rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or distorted

things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or think) hurts

my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me with her hands

or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg for forgiveness

and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other times she'd act

as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd forget her promises

and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd get triggered into

rage over God knows what.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

Most of my childhood memories pertain to my grandnada (nada's nada). She

babysat me when nada was at work. We also lived with her after nada & my

dad divorced. (I was 3 at that time).

I do have one memory of both of my parents together, before the divorce.

They were playing with me on the living room floor and tossed a blanket

over me. Dad was tickling me. My dad was a nail biter and I had seen him

do it so many times that I had kind of started biting my nails by this

point. Well, as he tickled me, the blanket came off of me and nada saw me

biting my nails and yelled very angrily at me and slapped me.

Like I said, the other young age memories are mostly of my grandnada &

grandpa. I also remember when nada & dad divorced, I didn't see my dad for

a long time afterwards (nada says it was 6 months, but I don't know.)

Anyway, I remember when he finally came over to grandnada's house to talk

to nada and how excited I was to see him. I sat on his lap and wouldn't let

go of him.

First memory of nada would have to be of the tape recorder thing I was

talking about a few weeks go. I was about 4 or 5 and had gotten into

trouble for something and was throwing a tantrum as kids that age do. I was

sent to my bedroom at grandnada's house and I lay on the floor crying &

moaning loudly. The door was open. I could hear grandnada tell nada to put

my toy (working) tape recorder by the door and make me listen to it later.

I got very upset after having started to calm down and didn't want her to

do that, but she did. I eventually cried myself to sleep. Later she woke

me up and made me listen to every second of that tape. I felt embarassed,

kept asking her to stop.

Another early one pertains to grandnada - I was probably 5ish at the time.

I was playing with a Barbie & Ken doll in my bedroom at her house. I took

their clothes off and had them kissing. Grandnada walked in and now I think

she must have thought I was making them have sex. (I didn't know what sex

was at that time. They were kissing. I didn't think twice about them being

undressed, I was 5!). Anyway, grandnada asked me where I had seen that. It

took me a while to answer her because I had seen people kiss before... she

would give grandpa a quick kiss, or me one. my dad kissed his new wife,

etc.. So that's what I said " I saw daddy & <former step mom> " . I think she

thought I meant I saw them having sex! Oy. Well she must have told nada I

was some kind of pervert or something because nada went off the hook when

she found out.

I have another memory that my dad says is impossible, and that I probably

imagined hearing other people talk about it... My dad's dad died when I was

6 months old. I have a VERY blurry memory of a man who resembles him

holding me in a room with walls painted blue and an acoustic guitar leaning

against the wall. Everything " looks " fuzzy in my mind, but I also remember

other people being there, lots of them. My dad said that it was someone's

birthday party, but that I must have heard someone talking about it. I

honestly don't know if that's the case of if I really do remember it. I

would have been about 5 months old. So it seems highly unlikely that I do

actually remember it and that my dad might just be right.

Anyway, so I guess my first memory of nada & dad together is both negative &

positive. First memory of dad after the divorce, positive (?). I was happy

to see him. Sad too though because I hadn't seen him in so long. SO again,

maybe both. I think most of these firsts are negative! The tape recorder

sure was, and then the Barbie memory. I remember I didn't play with my

barbies for a long time after that and I just loved them!

Sorry, I got pretty rambly there.

Mia

[Guest guest]

Echo, your post struck me... because your nada was being selfish and behaved

in a way that might make her child think that the china was more important

than you! Ugh, so sorry about that.

I can also see how your memory of your dad is bittersweet. I think that's

how I would describe my memory of seeing my dad for the first time in what

nada says is 6 months after they divorced. Bittersweet.

Mia

>

>

> The first real memory I have was probably around age 3 or so. We were

> living in California and there were fires in the foothills just past our

> subdivision. I remember nada packing all her good china in case we were

> going to evacuate. She was so busy with her packing and had no time for me,

> I was told to just go play quietly somewhere else. She rarely taught me

> anything, and only called for me when she needed me for something or wanted

> to rage at someone. Most of my childhood was spent being respectfully away

> from her so as not to upset her. She was depressed and to herself most of

> the time, except when she was with my dad.

>

> My earliest memory of dad was hiding in the bushes next to our porch every

> night, so I could jump out at him with a " boo " and be scooped up and doted

> on. Lovely, bittersweet memory.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I've never thought about this but most of my early memories that are good are of

my father (non-BPD). I'm trying to think of an early memory of my BPD

mother...I remember sticking gum on the wheel of my doll carriage when I was 3

because I wanted it to make the flower impression that was on the wheel on the

gum, but it didn't and it stuck and I was afraid I would get in trouble...I

reamember being frustrated with myself when we were coloring together when I was

also 3 and she could stay inside the lines better than me...I remember being

praised for potty training, and I remember her singing, those are nice memories

from when I was 2 or 3, so I guess my early memories are positive, the negative

ones seem to be when I did something legitimately " naughty " and worried about

being scolded.

>

> This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to

ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

positive memory or a negative one?

>

> What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them.

I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved

to a new single-story single-family home.

>

> My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so

I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so

that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and

begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to

her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think

I was still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her

into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person

as " my mommy " .

>

> So, my first memory of nada is negative.

>

> So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg

for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other

times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd

forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd

get triggered into rage over God knows what.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

First memory- Wanting more than anything to play the piano. Nada taught kids

to play the piano for her job. i would try and she would rage and rage and

rage and she slammed my hands in the lid of the piano. my brother got in on

it and would dance and taunt me while she raged.

I think I was about 3.

Of course part of me thinks its not true- but there it is.

On Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 2:53 PM, Veetee wrote:

>

>

> Annie,

>

> I've never thought about this but most of my early memories that are good

> are of my father (non-BPD). I'm trying to think of an early memory of my BPD

> mother...I remember sticking gum on the wheel of my doll carriage when I was

> 3 because I wanted it to make the flower impression that was on the wheel on

> the gum, but it didn't and it stuck and I was afraid I would get in

> trouble...I reamember being frustrated with myself when we were coloring

> together when I was also 3 and she could stay inside the lines better than

> me...I remember being praised for potty training, and I remember her

> singing, those are nice memories from when I was 2 or 3, so I guess my early

> memories are positive, the negative ones seem to be when I did something

> legitimately " naughty " and worried about being scolded.

>

>

>

> >

> > This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting

> to ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

> positive memory or a negative one?

> >

> > What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in

> them. I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close

> to a window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on

> either side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little

> plastic swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose,

> this is happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been

> two or under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an

> upstairs apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was

> three we moved to a new single-story single-family home.

> >

> > My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

> between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house,

> so I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my

> ears so that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing

> piteously and begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad

> and want to go to her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to

> trick me! " So, I think I was still so little that when nada would rage and

> scream at me, I " split " her into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and

> violent, and not the same person as " my mommy " .

> >

> > So, my first memory of nada is negative.

> >

> > So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

> toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

> screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

> distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

> think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

> with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and

> beg for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes;

> other times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then

> she'd forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next

> time she'd get triggered into rage over God knows what.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My two earliest memories also involve being in the crib and have no people in

them.The earlier one,it seems hard to believe that I could remember this,but

nada corroborated it and said that it was from when I was six months old.(she

was totally freaked out that I remembered this,though).

I had had a mobile over my crib that I really liked,cloth horses in

pastel colored gingham fabrics that played a gentle,soothing tune.One day,it

seemed to me out of the blue and for no reason,it was gone.It had been replaced

with a bright red plastic thing that played a tune that felt too loud and harsh

to me.It made me nervous and I hated it-it moved too fast too,like it was jumpy

and that made *me* feel jumpy.I felt like nada had taken away the one I liked

and put that thing up to hurt me--when I asked her years later why she had

replaced the mobile I liked she said that it wasn't playing its tune anymore and

that because I seemed to be having problems with hearing,she bought the loudest

one she could find to replace the one I had.

And then she started to blubber, " I thought you LOVED that mobile... "

followed by more hysterical crying: " But how can you remember that,you were only

six months old... "

I don't remember the first mobile not making any sound.Was I only

imagining the music? I clearly remember what it looked like and I remember

watching it turn to see the yellow horse spin close to me,my favorite one.That

color made me feel happy.I remember the other horses were pale blue,pale pink

and pale green.It had a nice leisurely spin,like the horses were calmly floating

in the air.

My other crib memory seems like it's not too long after the first one:

laying on my back watching the clouds drift by in the sky out the window,which

my crib was right next to.The sky is deep blue and there are fat fluffy white

clouds gently drifting past the window.Watching the clouds in the sky makes me

feel peaceful and I'm sort of surprised that I hadn't noticed them before.I look

away thinking that if I do that,they'll be gone,but when I look again they are

still there drifting by and that gives me a thrill.

I have a half memory of being in that crib that feels related somehow

to the time period when I " discovered the sky " : seeing the door to my bedroom

burst open and a feeling of absolute terror then nothing.

I vividly remember the first time I saw the ocean.I would have been

about eighteen months old.I felt *ecstatic*.That memory is more about what I was

seeing and feeling and being entranced by all of it than about the people who

were there.I remember nada,fada and a girl nada babysat being there but their

presence in the memory isn't as vivid as the ocean.

Except for the bedroom door memory,these earliest memories are of me

feeling soothed,but on my own or through my own sensations or perceptions.

My first detailed memory of nada herself is from the day we went to

collect her and my brother from the hospital after he was born,when I was two

and a half.My first detailed (remembering interactions and conversation)

memories of my grandparents is from that day,too.

Nada had been wheeled down to the curb holding my brother and while

we waited for fada to bring the car my paternal grandmother said to nada, " You

must have missed ... "

Nada hadn't looked at me at all or said a word to me.She said totally

indifferently, " Uh huh.I forgot how cute she was. "

I felt doomed.I felt like she truly had completely forgotten me.I

felt terrified because she had said " she was " ,as if I was already a " was " ,as if

already,I no longer existed to her.And her utter indifference to me made me feel

more hopeless than I can describe.

And it felt SO surreal;I felt SO alone because nobody else seemed to

notice or understand that she didn't *care*,only I did.

My first memory of nada is of feeling my soul being destroyed by her

total lack of feeling for me; of feeling doomed.I remember having suicidal

thoughts around the time my brother was born.I couldn't accept that feeling of

being doomed as a child or fully take it in for longer than a moment (like that

day at the hospital) but allowing myself as an adult to really feel all of these

unbearable feelings is what has finally set me free from having the agony rear

up as raw as it originally was every time I'm triggered.

>

> This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to

ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

positive memory or a negative one?

>

> What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them.

I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved

to a new single-story single-family home.

>

> My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so

I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so

that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and

begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to

her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think

I was still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her

into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person

as " my mommy " .

>

> So, my first memory of nada is negative.

>

> So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg

for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other

times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd

forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd

get triggered into rage over God knows what.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

,

I think that your nada took the mobile away on purpose. I'm not saying that

tongue in cheek--this is my well-reasoned, probably scientifically supportable

opinion. Nadas are geniuses at body language, and nadas seek very, very often

to destroy or usurp any outside things they see are important to us. It starts

the day we are born. Even if they lack empathy, nadas do NOT lack the ability

to be in tune with exactly how their children are responding. They sense it

subconsciouly through body language, even sometimes through rhythms of

correspondence and communications as we become adults.

Your nada sensed the baby was soothed and comforted by the mobile. Because of

that, it had to be destroyed. And she punished you for it with one that would

be disruptive. The reason she burst into tears about it is because on some

level she knows she did it to harm you. The reason you remember something from

pre-verbal stage is because it was such a crack, a shock to the system, to have

the body on which you were utterly dependent do something to harm you.

The board is rife, historically, with stories of nadas destroying or 'losing'

the most prized possessions of their KOs. My own nada gave away my furniture,

sold my records and dolls at garage sales...there are stories of nadas cutting

the sleeves off of wedding dresses! Nadas can't stand for their immediate

family members to have possessions/things important to them. I'm not sure if

it's jealousy or a control issue or what. I think it might be a three year old

child's enraged jealousy.

I'm so sorry, your mobile story breaks my heart.

It also makes me think, looking back, that I may have been split good before my

sister was born, because my nada read to me before that time. I may have

developed my acuity with words and reading (I could read before I could talk),

because I was trying to get physically safe again---my sister had been born, I

had been split PITCH black, and perhaps I was trying to please nada so I could.

You know. Get fed, etc. Survive. Extreme ability, the recent studies say, is

formed only in a pressure cooker.

Anyway my sympathies; many happy mobiles in your fantasy past!

Charlie

>

> My two earliest memories also involve being in the crib and have no people in

them.The earlier one,it seems hard to believe that I could remember this,but

nada corroborated it and said that it was from when I was six months old.(she

was totally freaked out that I remembered this,though).

>

> I had had a mobile over my crib that I really liked,cloth horses in

pastel colored gingham fabrics that played a gentle,soothing tune.One day,it

seemed to me out of the blue and for no reason,it was gone.It had been replaced

with a bright red plastic thing that played a tune that felt too loud and harsh

to me.It made me nervous and I hated it-it moved too fast too,like it was jumpy

and that made *me* feel jumpy.I felt like nada had taken away the one I liked

and put that thing up to hurt me--when I asked her years later why she had

replaced the mobile I liked she said that it wasn't playing its tune anymore and

that because I seemed to be having problems with hearing,she bought the loudest

one she could find to replace the one I had.

>

> And then she started to blubber, " I thought you LOVED that

mobile... " followed by more hysterical crying: " But how can you remember that,you

were only six months old... "

>

> I don't remember the first mobile not making any sound.Was I only

imagining the music? I clearly remember what it looked like and I remember

watching it turn to see the yellow horse spin close to me,my favorite one.That

color made me feel happy.I remember the other horses were pale blue,pale pink

and pale green.It had a nice leisurely spin,like the horses were calmly floating

in the air.

>

> My other crib memory seems like it's not too long after the first

one: laying on my back watching the clouds drift by in the sky out the

window,which my crib was right next to.The sky is deep blue and there are fat

fluffy white clouds gently drifting past the window.Watching the clouds in the

sky makes me feel peaceful and I'm sort of surprised that I hadn't noticed them

before.I look away thinking that if I do that,they'll be gone,but when I look

again they are still there drifting by and that gives me a thrill.

>

> I have a half memory of being in that crib that feels related somehow

to the time period when I " discovered the sky " : seeing the door to my bedroom

burst open and a feeling of absolute terror then nothing.

>

> I vividly remember the first time I saw the ocean.I would have been

about eighteen months old.I felt *ecstatic*.That memory is more about what I was

seeing and feeling and being entranced by all of it than about the people who

were there.I remember nada,fada and a girl nada babysat being there but their

presence in the memory isn't as vivid as the ocean.

>

> Except for the bedroom door memory,these earliest memories are of me

feeling soothed,but on my own or through my own sensations or perceptions.

>

> My first detailed memory of nada herself is from the day we went to

collect her and my brother from the hospital after he was born,when I was two

and a half.My first detailed (remembering interactions and conversation)

memories of my grandparents is from that day,too.

>

> Nada had been wheeled down to the curb holding my brother and while

we waited for fada to bring the car my paternal grandmother said to nada, " You

must have missed ... "

>

> Nada hadn't looked at me at all or said a word to me.She said

totally indifferently, " Uh huh.I forgot how cute she was. "

>

> I felt doomed.I felt like she truly had completely forgotten me.I

felt terrified because she had said " she was " ,as if I was already a " was " ,as if

already,I no longer existed to her.And her utter indifference to me made me feel

more hopeless than I can describe.

>

> And it felt SO surreal;I felt SO alone because nobody else seemed to

notice or understand that she didn't *care*,only I did.

>

> My first memory of nada is of feeling my soul being destroyed by

her total lack of feeling for me; of feeling doomed.I remember having suicidal

thoughts around the time my brother was born.I couldn't accept that feeling of

being doomed as a child or fully take it in for longer than a moment (like that

day at the hospital) but allowing myself as an adult to really feel all of these

unbearable feelings is what has finally set me free from having the agony rear

up as raw as it originally was every time I'm triggered.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you,Charlie I agree: nada's crying had much to do with fearing that she

was being " found out " for some transgression she had committed against me.There

was something of a " she protests too much " flavor to her crying.And an

underlying *wanting* to see *herself* as the victim.

Very interesting,what you said about nadas and empathy: that although

they may not empathize with us,they can still " read " us.That uncanny ability to

know what someone else is feeling and to exploit it for their own ends is a

trait BPDs share with sociopaths/psychopaths...which makes me wonder if it's a

BPD trait or the manifestation of a co-morbidity of ASPD or psychopathy.

Yup,my nada gave away my toys (by taking them into school: she was a

teacher) when I was a kid and when I left home invited my two best friends

(without asking me first) to come on over and help themselves to whatever they

wanted of my possessions,including my record collection--which she knew was dear

to me.*That* was jealousy and control and intended as punishment for " leaving "

her.

I remember seeing a reference to an article in one of Alice 's

books, " Hyper-maturation in the infants of psychotic mothers " but I was never

able to find it anywhere to read it.I've also wondered if the fact that I did

everything early (talk,walk,read) is related to me trying to make my environment

safe.For survival purposes!

Thanks for the sympathies--right back atcha :)Being " raised " by a nada

sucks no matter how you look at it.

>

> ,

>

> I think that your nada took the mobile away on purpose. I'm not saying that

tongue in cheek--this is my well-reasoned, probably scientifically supportable

opinion. Nadas are geniuses at body language, and nadas seek very, very often

to destroy or usurp any outside things they see are important to us. It starts

the day we are born. Even if they lack empathy, nadas do NOT lack the ability

to be in tune with exactly how their children are responding. They sense it

subconsciouly through body language, even sometimes through rhythms of

correspondence and communications as we become adults.

>

> Your nada sensed the baby was soothed and comforted by the mobile. Because of

that, it had to be destroyed. And she punished you for it with one that would

be disruptive. The reason she burst into tears about it is because on some

level she knows she did it to harm you. The reason you remember something from

pre-verbal stage is because it was such a crack, a shock to the system, to have

the body on which you were utterly dependent do something to harm you.

>

> The board is rife, historically, with stories of nadas destroying or 'losing'

the most prized possessions of their KOs. My own nada gave away my furniture,

sold my records and dolls at garage sales...there are stories of nadas cutting

the sleeves off of wedding dresses! Nadas can't stand for their immediate

family members to have possessions/things important to them. I'm not sure if

it's jealousy or a control issue or what. I think it might be a three year old

child's enraged jealousy.

>

> I'm so sorry, your mobile story breaks my heart.

>

> It also makes me think, looking back, that I may have been split good before

my sister was born, because my nada read to me before that time. I may have

developed my acuity with words and reading (I could read before I could talk),

because I was trying to get physically safe again---my sister had been born, I

had been split PITCH black, and perhaps I was trying to please nada so I could.

You know. Get fed, etc. Survive. Extreme ability, the recent studies say, is

formed only in a pressure cooker.

>

> Anyway my sympathies; many happy mobiles in your fantasy past!

>

> Charlie

[Guest guest]

I remember being in my crib one early evening and crying because I wanted some

attention. My mom was getting all dolled up to go out and she just ignored me.

My grandma, who was visiting at the time, came and lifted me out of my crib to

sooth me. Another time, I was on my tricycle and my mom was watering the grass

one summer morning. Worms appeared. I accidently fell off my trike and

screamed because of the worms. She just told me to shut up.

Annie

> >

> > ,

> >

> > I think that your nada took the mobile away on purpose. I'm not saying that

tongue in cheek--this is my well-reasoned, probably scientifically supportable

opinion. Nadas are geniuses at body language, and nadas seek very, very often

to destroy or usurp any outside things they see are important to us. It starts

the day we are born. Even if they lack empathy, nadas do NOT lack the ability

to be in tune with exactly how their children are responding. They sense it

subconsciouly through body language, even sometimes through rhythms of

correspondence and communications as we become adults.

> >

> > Your nada sensed the baby was soothed and comforted by the mobile. Because

of that, it had to be destroyed. And she punished you for it with one that

would be disruptive. The reason she burst into tears about it is because on

some level she knows she did it to harm you. The reason you remember something

from pre-verbal stage is because it was such a crack, a shock to the system, to

have the body on which you were utterly dependent do something to harm you.

> >

> > The board is rife, historically, with stories of nadas destroying or

'losing' the most prized possessions of their KOs. My own nada gave away my

furniture, sold my records and dolls at garage sales...there are stories of

nadas cutting the sleeves off of wedding dresses! Nadas can't stand for their

immediate family members to have possessions/things important to them. I'm not

sure if it's jealousy or a control issue or what. I think it might be a three

year old child's enraged jealousy.

> >

> > I'm so sorry, your mobile story breaks my heart.

> >

> > It also makes me think, looking back, that I may have been split good before

my sister was born, because my nada read to me before that time. I may have

developed my acuity with words and reading (I could read before I could talk),

because I was trying to get physically safe again---my sister had been born, I

had been split PITCH black, and perhaps I was trying to please nada so I could.

You know. Get fed, etc. Survive. Extreme ability, the recent studies say, is

formed only in a pressure cooker.

> >

> > Anyway my sympathies; many happy mobiles in your fantasy past!

> >

> > Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Earliest memories of NADA are non-existent until about 5 yrs old...however this

could be becasue she would have been very preoccupied with raising my

downs-syndrome younger brother....there I am making excuses for her again (most

likely I have blanked it all out)

earliest memory is being in hospital in a crib, holding onto the bars to try and

pull myself up...long corridor with yellow buzzing crackling lights...in the

distance a door swings and a blurry female figure approaches then changes

direction and walks away...I must have been about 6 months old as I couldn't

bear weight...nada confirms i was in for asthma....I always wondered why I was

all alone.

most of my early memories are all about my dad..he was the positive one who

actively did things with me...gardening, teaching me things, stories, tickles,

walks in the woods, and She seemed to just not exist at all...until an older age

of memories start with reflections of pain, cruelty, fear and numbness.

>

> This question came up at another support group, and I find it interesting to

ask here also: is your very earliest memory of your bpd mom or bpd dad a

positive memory or a negative one?

>

> What I believe are my very earliest memories do not have other people in them.

I seem to remember looking through bars (my crib?) that are very close to a

window, where I can see down to the entryway. There is green grass on either

side of a white cement walkway. A second memory: standing by a little plastic

swimming pool and watching as it is filled with water from a hose, this is

happening on the grass near a red brick building. I would have been two or

under, if the location is where I think it is; my parents lived in an upstairs

apartment in a red brick building when they had me. When I was three we moved

to a new single-story single-family home.

>

> My earliest memory of my nada is fragmented, but, it involves me hiding

between my bedroom door and the wall (and this is in the single story house, so

I would be three) and being scrunched down and holding my hands over my ears so

that I can't hear " the woman " who is laying on my bed and sobbing piteously and

begging me to come to her. I hear her crying and I feel sad and want to go to

her, but then I say to myself " No! She is just trying to trick me! " So, I think

I was still so little that when nada would rage and scream at me, I " split " her

into " the woman " who was terrifyingly angry and violent, and not the same person

as " my mommy " .

>

> So, my first memory of nada is negative.

>

> So I suppose its not so odd that my nada has continued that same behavior

toward me for pretty much my whole life, so far. She flies into a red-faced,

screaming rage-tantrum, gets in my face, says ugly and (usually) untrue or

distorted things about me (accusing me of something I did NOT say, or do, or

think) hurts my feelings, shames me, terrifies me and physically assaults me

with her hands or with a belt (when I was young), then... she'd be sad and beg

for forgiveness and would promise to not do that to me again (sometimes; other

times she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened) and then she'd

forget her promises and attack me (or Sister) again later, the next time she'd

get triggered into rage over God knows what.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My first foggy memory of her: I must have been pretty young because I remember

being in a crib, in a dark bedroom. I could hear her voice as she visited with

some man friend.

A more reliable memory: I must have been about 4 years old, not yet in school. I

can remember some of the basic things in the apartment that we lived in: the red

radio on a shelf over the bed (where she and I slept and she kept me pinned

down, didn't want me to move or make noise so she could sleep in). Also we had

an ugly brown, scratchy couch. She would tell me to sit there, don't move while

she went shopping. Somehow I knew even then that if I moved off the couch, I'd

be in big trouble. Even back then I was afraid of her and I sat and sat till she

got home.

I may have told this story before but she brags about what a good baby/child I

was. I never made noise, never had temper tantrums. She said the only tantrum I

had was as an infant - she was trying to change my diaper and I was squirming

too much. She smacked me on the bare butt and I held still after that. Never

gave her any trouble again. That's not something I would brag about. As I'm

getting stronger and braver, when she talks about how I never did this or that

as a child (normal kid things) I'll look at her and say, " That's not normal for

a child to act like that. " But she loved the quiet, grown up behavior I had.

Made her life easy.

[Guest guest]

Yep. My nada also used to comment that I was a " little adult " . It does not

register with a nada, apparently, that that means her child is not acting like a

normal small child and is not running, playing, exploring, making noise, or

making a mess because that will get her screamed at and/or beaten.

I think its fascinating that several of us so far actually have such early

memories, young enough for us to still be in a crib or playpen with bars!

-Annie/anuria

>

> My first foggy memory of her: I must have been pretty young because I remember

being in a crib, in a dark bedroom. I could hear her voice as she visited with

some man friend.

>

> A more reliable memory: I must have been about 4 years old, not yet in school.

I can remember some of the basic things in the apartment that we lived in: the

red radio on a shelf over the bed (where she and I slept and she kept me pinned

down, didn't want me to move or make noise so she could sleep in). Also we had

an ugly brown, scratchy couch. She would tell me to sit there, don't move while

she went shopping. Somehow I knew even then that if I moved off the couch, I'd

be in big trouble. Even back then I was afraid of her and I sat and sat till she

got home.

>

> I may have told this story before but she brags about what a good baby/child I

was. I never made noise, never had temper tantrums. She said the only tantrum I

had was as an infant - she was trying to change my diaper and I was squirming

too much. She smacked me on the bare butt and I held still after that. Never

gave her any trouble again. That's not something I would brag about. As I'm

getting stronger and braver, when she talks about how I never did this or that

as a child (normal kid things) I'll look at her and say, " That's not normal for

a child to act like that. " But she loved the quiet, grown up behavior I had.

Made her life easy.

>