Therapy today, kind of interesting

[Guest guest]

So I saw my T today. We talked more about nada as well as things that

upset me about my dad. He wasn't there for most of my life (until I

was about 19). He was there, but he was busy doing his own thing, you

know? I also talked about how I feel bad that I feel jealous that my

half sibs now have college funds & all kinds of opportunities that

neither dad or nada did for me. Ugh, I told her I wasn't trying to

feel or act entitled, etc.

She said I do have a right to be upset about not having either parent

help with college funds or planning, etc. Not that they really had

the money back then, but they could have helped me plan and encouraged

me to apply for scholarships & loans, etc.

She also asked me if I thought nada saw the world as an unsafe place.

Yes, yes & yes. I also think nada sees the world as a distrustful

place. Maybe those two go hand in hand, but nada trusted no one...

not me, not her husbands... no one.

Thinking of that reminded me of something else. Even as a teenager...

even as a college aged young adult... I was NEVER allowed to bring the

mail inside or to check the answering machine. I looked at T and

said, " I think that's a little weird " . She agreed!

Anyway, back to nada's unsafe/distrusting world... she said she thinks

perhaps nada was projecting on me her own fears of the world.

Especially when it came to me doing new things (like I mentioned about

perfume making, gardening, etc). I guess that's pretty obvious. I had

made the connection all ready.

I feel like I've made a lot of connections, but I still can't unplug

them, so to speak. They're just playing on repeat and I don't know

how to get beyond them.

Anyone have a magic pill, or a magic wand with a cool spell you can

cast on me to make it all go away? lol. Anyone want to bonk me upside

the head just right to cause amnesia? Isn't it weird that I feel that

having amnesia would be BLISS!

Mia - who is rambly today.