Trauma Bonding..........: Re: Considering going NC- needing input, thoughts

[Guest guest]

Annie, this is a great definition of trauma bonding: " Trauma-bonding happens

when a person who has  complete power over you

(like a parent, or a kidnapper) alternates from being loving and kind to

being your tormentor.  The switching back-and-forth from hurting you to

rescuing you over and over creates a trauma bond, and its like epoxy

glue.  Its a very unhealthy bond. "   Thank you.........!

Alastriona " If you have knowledge, let others light their candles from your

flame. " Margaret Fuller

Subject: Re: Considering going NC- needing input, thoughts

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, January 27, 2011, 11:54 AM

Hi Blair,

I'm so sorry for what your mother and stepfather put you and your sisters

through. No child deserves that kind of treatment. 

This is just my own personal opinion for you to take or leave as it suits you,

but in my non-professional opinion its as though you were raised in a mini-cult;

your mother brainwashed you from birth to serve her, the cult-leader.

Your mother has been mistreating and exploiting you your whole life.  You were

either her rival or a object she could use, and you were conditioned to obey

just to earn a tiny scrap of her approval.  But the reality is that you are only

valuable to her as long as you meet her needs, otherwise you are discarded.

Your mother *is* dependent on you, but that's not the same as love.

In my opinion, nothing you describe has anything to do with love, on her part. 

The more I read about the study of psychopathy, the more it seems to overlap

with the Cluster B disorders; the most chilling part is that those with

psychopathy are incapable of attaching (experiencing love) in a meaningful way

with other people.  Although they are incapable of giving and receiving love in

the way that normal people are (other people's needs and feelings don't exist

for them) they are good mimics and can appear engaging and normal when it suits

them.

I hope you will seek therapy from a psychologist who is experienced treating the

adult survivors of child abuse.  You have become trauma-bonded to your mother. 

Trauma-bonding happens when a person who has  complete power over you (like a

parent, or a kidnapper) alternates from being loving and kind to being your

tormentor.  The switching back-and-forth from hurting you to rescuing you over

and over creates a trauma bond, and its like epoxy glue.  Its a very unhealthy

bond. 

Randi Kreger (who owns this list and wrote " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and other

books for those with a bpd person in their life) wrote that the children of

severely abusive parents seem to wind up either becoming totally enmeshed with

their abuser, or they run away fairly early.  You and I both became enmeshed,

whereas our siblings broke away and escaped earlier.

If my nada and dad hadn't " dumped " me and moved away, I'd probably still be

enmeshed with nada.

My advice is to start reading up on trauma-bonding and co-dependency, and find a

therapist who specializes in treating the adult survivors of child abuse, who

can " deprogram " you from your cult-like attachment to someone who has never had

your best interest in her heart.

You have the right to a joyful, independent, self-actualized adult life, instead

of the semi-prison experience you've been having. 

Eventually you may be able to care for your mother's needs from the safety of

emotional detachment from her and perhaps physical distance from her,  utilizing

the safety of very low contact and strong boundaries.

But only, in my opinion, after a period of no contact at all so you can get

" deprogrammed " or " detoxed " from your unhealthy attachment to her.

Again, whether my advice resonates with you or not, I hope you will start

reading up and educating your self about borderline pd, trauma bonding and co

dependency, and I hope you will consider giving yourself the gift of seeking

therapy. 

Nobody rescued you as a child, but you now have the power to rescue yourself.

" Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than

degradation by a stranger. "

- Ann Lawson, Ph.D.

" Trauma and Recovery " by Judith Herman

" Boundaries " by Cloud and Townsend

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " - Lawson

-Annie

>

> So-

>

> Long story short, my mother is BPD with narcissistic tendencies. She's always

been this way but it hasn't been until the last couple of years that myself,

twin sister and older sister have been able to pinpoint it.

>

> When I was 15, my stepfather molested me. I'm not minimizing the situation

but, unlike many victims who live with years of abuse- " it " only happened to me

twice.

>

> I know that what he did was terribly wrong but my mother and his relationship

wasn't good- sexually. Of course, she would fill me in with the details. We grew

up with the message that 'any hole will do,' 'sex is dirty and always bad, even

when you're married sex is only to meet a man's needs and to portray power over

a woman.'

>

> when my sisters and I became teenagers we weren't allowed to date, we weren't

allowed to go out with friends, go to the movies, have friends over, etc. We

weren't allowed to wear makeup or shave(when I brought up that I needed to shave

(badly) she snidely remarked 'why, are you ready to start fucking boys. I guess

you need to douche, too.' I didn't know what she was talking about. She dressed

all of us like paupers- and weren't poor but we were forced to wear old,

hand-me-down clothing that was always way too big on us- then she'd comment

about how fat we looked.

(edited for length)

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

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