another question on our children

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I did talk about this subject on another thread and got some great feedback.

It was about Nada sending gifts/money to our children. It was mentioned not to

let the children have the gifts. Even if it means keeping it from them because

NC with me means NC with my daughter. I feel strongly about this because I

don't want Nada to use her as the middle man.

My concern is when daughter who is 9 now one day might seek out Nada on her own

curiousity(maybe teenage years) and Nada tells her of all the

presents/card/money that she sent over the years. Only for my daughter to tell

her that she never received any.

Then daughter will be against me for not giving them to her. Even if I do

explain it the best I can she might go against me to feel some bond to Nada and

the relationship lost with her because of me witholding the gifts. I know this

might be years down the track and might not happen at all, but I feel the moves

and boundries I set now determine the future.

I would hate my daughter to hate me for that. I hope I am getting my question

across.

I just feel daughter has more chance of being against me to Nada if I don't give

her the gifts then if I screen the cards and give them to her. Giving them to

her though just keeps her in relationship with Nada.

Has anyone withheld gifts only to have it backfire down the track?

So confused what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kazam x

[Guest guest]

Kazam,

I understand your concern and agree that NC means NC. Period.

About the gifts and NC: my two children are 11 and 5, both boys.

My 11 year old is pretty mature and I'm sure your 9-year-old is too. Maybe you

should explain-in simple terms-about the NC. My nada has shown her true self

many times in front of both of them. My oldest remembers when nada threw a steam

vacuum at me. (her response, " I was angry that NO ONE would help me move. THAT'S

another story, she had plenty of help)

Anyway- I'm sure your child has witnessed the theatrics and bullshit. I simply

told my children, " I'm sure Grandma loves us, love you, she isn't well and we

can't see her. " To the 11-year-old we leveled and said she is mentally-ill,

which isn't far from the mark.

Luckily, my son has been OK with this explanation. He knows what's going on and

if, as an adult, wants to extend a relationship he'll know what he's getting

into. BUT I've shown him that it's healthy to have boundaries in place and

illustrate that you DON'T have to put up with people treating you poorly.

Anyway, that's my opinion and it's what is working (fingers crossed) for our

family.

>

> Hi All,

> I did talk about this subject on another thread and got some great feedback.

> It was about Nada sending gifts/money to our children. It was mentioned not to

let the children have the gifts. Even if it means keeping it from them because

NC with me means NC with my daughter. I feel strongly about this because I

don't want Nada to use her as the middle man.

> My concern is when daughter who is 9 now one day might seek out Nada on her

own curiousity(maybe teenage years) and Nada tells her of all the

presents/card/money that she sent over the years. Only for my daughter to tell

her that she never received any.

> Then daughter will be against me for not giving them to her. Even if I do

explain it the best I can she might go against me to feel some bond to Nada and

the relationship lost with her because of me witholding the gifts. I know this

might be years down the track and might not happen at all, but I feel the moves

and boundries I set now determine the future.

> I would hate my daughter to hate me for that. I hope I am getting my question

across.

> I just feel daughter has more chance of being against me to Nada if I don't

give her the gifts then if I screen the cards and give them to her. Giving them

to her though just keeps her in relationship with Nada.

> Has anyone withheld gifts only to have it backfire down the track?

> So confused what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

I was going to suggest the same thing as Blair. It's better to be as honest as

possible with your kids, even if you have to simplify and say: grandma is

unwell.

Let me just say from my own experience: my nada never went NC with her nada, my

grandnada--but I was knew that grandnada was crazy. Especially from about age 12

on. I saw the way nada fought for grandnada's favor amongst her brothers and

siblings, and I knew grandnada was a mean person. Grandnada used to send me like

$5 for my birthday or Christmas (up until I was about 14) and I have been NC

with her since I became an adult. And I have no guilt about those $5 gifts.

But, receiving cards and money from a woman that I knew was mean and cruel to my

mother/nada was always weird to me. The same with aunts and uncles that I had no

relationship with.

Is there a children's book that might help you explain mental illness to your 9

year old that you can read to her and also talk about why you don't see Grandma,

in really basic terms?

>

> Hi All,

> I did talk about this subject on another thread and got some great feedback.

> It was about Nada sending gifts/money to our children. It was mentioned not to

let the children have the gifts. Even if it means keeping it from them because

NC with me means NC with my daughter. I feel strongly about this because I

don't want Nada to use her as the middle man.

> My concern is when daughter who is 9 now one day might seek out Nada on her

own curiousity(maybe teenage years) and Nada tells her of all the

presents/card/money that she sent over the years. Only for my daughter to tell

her that she never received any.

> Then daughter will be against me for not giving them to her. Even if I do

explain it the best I can she might go against me to feel some bond to Nada and

the relationship lost with her because of me witholding the gifts. I know this

might be years down the track and might not happen at all, but I feel the moves

and boundries I set now determine the future.

> I would hate my daughter to hate me for that. I hope I am getting my question

across.

> I just feel daughter has more chance of being against me to Nada if I don't

give her the gifts then if I screen the cards and give them to her. Giving them

to her though just keeps her in relationship with Nada.

> Has anyone withheld gifts only to have it backfire down the track?

> So confused what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kazam - I'm curious to see the responses you get because I have the same

exact thoughts about my two girls (ages 8 & 10). This is such a difficult

situation for me, so I understand where you're coming from. It has been a

relief for ME to be NC with nada, but having kids who had a relationship with

her, really complicates things. I don't know if what I am doing with the kids

is the " right " thing, but - here it is...

My oldest daughter has recognized that nada is " nuts " for a while. We went NC

when nada (and dishrag dad) abruptly decided to stop help paying for her private

school tuition because they didn't like MY behavior/attitude (aka BOUNDARIES - I

wanted to take the girls to visit my brother and SIL for 2 days while we were

planning to visit nada, and nada did not want us to visit anyone). The

financial impact of their " punishment " has been huge on our family. We've

managed to keep my daughter at this school (which has been a lifesaver for her

special needs), but not without significant changes to our lives. The kids get

it - we don't take vacations anymore, we don't go out to eat, they don't get to

do lots of extracurricular activities. I've had to close my business and look

for full-time work. Both of my girls know the whole story now - I've been very

honest with them about what happened, and why we don't speak to their grandma

and grandpa. I made it very clear to them that I don't let ANYONE hurt our

family, especially my children, and what grandma and grandpa did was wrong. My

kids have learned about bullying, so I explained that grandma and grandpa were

bullying mommy and daddy and that we did what you have to do with bullies

sometimes: walk away and don't engage with them. I talk to the girls very

honestly and openly about as much as I think they will understand. As they get

older, I will give them more info as they ask more questions. They know that

they can always talk to me about their feelings re. this situation.

My youngest daughter has had a lot of trouble with this particular " loss " in

her life, and occasionally cries and wants to call them and talk to them and try

to fix things and get them to apologize to me. I've told her that there is

nothing that she can say or do that will change them, that we can not change

other people, and sometimes it is really sad when we don't have control over a

situation. I've told her that I've tried for years and years to try and get

grandma and grandpa to change, and they never do, so I understand how sad and

frustrated she feels. I also know that my youngest (who was adopted) has a lot

of pain around the loss of her birthmother, and any time we talk about grandma

and grandpa, the grief inevitably turns into grief about her birthmother - and I

think this is really at the root of her feelings. She has very strong emotions

around ANY kind of loss, and probably always will. Fortunately, we have a

wonderful adoption therapist who has helped us deal with some of these issues.

My oldest daughter is the opposite. She is extremely perceptive and sensed

there was something off with nada when she was about 6 years old (she once told

my neighbor " my grandma is crazy " ). She is sad that we don't open the box of

presents that grandma and grandpa just sent, but only because she likes Stuff

and wants to see what Stuff is in the box. She thought it was completely

bizarre that grandma and grandpa sent her a fruit basket for her 10th birthday

(and one to my other daughter for her 8th!). We talked a lot about that. I was

concerned when I told her about how grandma and grandpa stopped paying for her

school tuition that she would somehow feel like it was her fault - but this has

not been the case at all. I flat out asked both girls if either of them ever

thought our being NC was their fault and they both said " no way " and " why would

we think that? " They get it - at least on some level.

In the future will they rebel and seek out Nada? Who knows - I hope not. If

they ever hate me for not giving them nada's cards and gifts when they are

teenagers, I will pull out my collection of books on BPD and give them some

required reading material, then ask them " if you were in my shoes, what would

you have done differently? "

I don't think there is any right or wrong way of dealing with this, which is why

it is so confusing! I'm actually more fearful these days about my nada's

reaction to having NC with my kids than I am to how my kids will react later on.

Most of my anxiety is around the fear of " what else would she try to do to hurt

me if I don't let my kids have contact with her? " Every time a card or gift

arrives, I start popping Ativan :-)

Don't know if this was helpful, but know that you're not alone and I definitely

get what you're dealing with!

-

>

> Hi All,

> I did talk about this subject on another thread and got some great feedback.

> It was about Nada sending gifts/money to our children. It was mentioned not to

let the children have the gifts. Even if it means keeping it from them because

NC with me means NC with my daughter. I feel strongly about this because I

don't want Nada to use her as the middle man.

> My concern is when daughter who is 9 now one day might seek out Nada on her

own curiousity(maybe teenage years) and Nada tells her of all the

presents/card/money that she sent over the years. Only for my daughter to tell

her that she never received any.

> Then daughter will be against me for not giving them to her. Even if I do

explain it the best I can she might go against me to feel some bond to Nada and

the relationship lost with her because of me witholding the gifts. I know this

might be years down the track and might not happen at all, but I feel the moves

and boundries I set now determine the future.

> I would hate my daughter to hate me for that. I hope I am getting my question

across.

> I just feel daughter has more chance of being against me to Nada if I don't

give her the gifts then if I screen the cards and give them to her. Giving them

to her though just keeps her in relationship with Nada.

> Has anyone withheld gifts only to have it backfire down the track?

> So confused what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Blair too. If your daughter is mature enough, try to give her

a simple explanation of why you don't see your nada. I think Blair's

examples are perfect... it lets the kids know that something is up without

divulging too much information that they couldn't understand at this point

anyway.

I think telling her now would potentially prevent the fear you have of her

being angry at you in the future.

Good luck Kazam! I know it's hard for all of us dealing with our nadas &

fadas, but it must be especially difficult when grandkids of these BPDs are

involved. My heart goes out to you & to your daughter.

Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , and wow, what an awful thing for your nada to do! What a situation

she has put you & your family in =(

In my very humble and maybe incorrect opinion, you are doing the right

things when it comes to your kids & why you're NC with your nada. I don't

have kids, so I can't say for sure. And I doubt there is any one, universal

correct answer. But it does sound like your kiddos are pretty

understanding, especially if they were able to notice that " grandma is

crazy " at such a young age!

As for the little one, I think it's AWESOME that you adopted =D I may do

that someday myself. But, I think it's really good you have her seeing a

therapist who knows how to deal with her own unique issues. Have you tried

talking to the therapist alone about why you are NC with your nada so that

she might be able to help your daughter understand better? I don't know if

that's an option or even if it's a good idea.

Anyway, sorry you have been put through so much hell because of your nada &

fada. Hang in there. No parent is perfect, but all we can do is strive to

be the " good enough " parent and with situations like this I think it's

normal to wonder if what the parent/s are doing is the right thing or not.

No, not a mother, but as a future step mom to two great kiddos I do get

that! =)

Good luck & Kazam & anyone else who's trying to save their kids from

being stuck in the middle between Oz & the rest of the world.

Mia