Guest guest Posted February 15, 2011 Report Share Posted February 15, 2011 Jgar, you articulated it so perfectly. this is something i've discovered about myself and it feels great to see it from the outside in, that i'm afraid to say the wrong thing and have been afraid to, even in business settings b/c, as you said, I will make a fatal error and be labelled for life. As I felt with my parents. [being the " all-good " child turns us into adults who often cannot voice our needs and desires even when we are able to pinpoint them, and I think most of us probably walk around feeling like frauds most of the time because of this.] yes, yes, yes. you nailed it! that's me. when I realized this about myself and was having an argument with my husband one day, I felt the usual urge to retreat into myself and yes him until our disagreement was over. Instead, I told him, " I'm afraid you won't like me if I'm honest with you. " It felt SO good to be honest with him and he was so glad to have unearthed what he realized was holding me back, it was like a wall between us for so many years. > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 16, 2011 Report Share Posted February 16, 2011 Hi I agree and relate totally. I was the GOLDEN CHILD too until I finally stood up to Nada and went NC. Now I am blacklisted and the worst daughter ever on her eyes and all the flying monkeys. My brother was the scape goat and also hated me and we have no contact because of it. I understand now his feelings after learning of our roles in all this craziness. I still haven't been in a place to contact him about it. I am hoping one day he will seek me out then I will know he is ready to deal with things too. For me going NC as the Golden Child was like cutting off her life support system. For me it was fear and guilt then finally some sense of freedom after a year of NC. So yes the golden child has a different relationship with Nada. For me that is why it was so hard to stand up to her and go NC because I could have her spoil me and give me attention if I was doing all she wanted being her mother and the extension of her. I just couldn't give anymore and definately couldn't be controlled or drained of her. I loved myself enough to say NO MORE. This is who I am and I am not yours anymore.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for bringing up this subject. Kazam x > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 , I have to say that reading your posts is a weird experience for me because your experiences are so close to mine, and we share a name, that I often have to reread your posts to determine that I did not write them and that you did. I was golden until last summer and it's quite like Stockholm syndrome to me, and you really are an extension of your nada. Also, you're so in tune to the exact tenor of her mood that everything makes you jumpy, the way she says a word, leads you to know exactly what you must do in order to keep her from exploding. When you develop relationships with other people, you feel like you have to walk on egg shells with them or they'll explode at you, and nada makes you feel like your new friend or significant other is a jerk and will leave you with nothing, so it reinforces your fears. I AGREE that being the golden child can be very hard. > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Fiona, I'm in the same boat with " your part of THEIR family now " since I got married and set my mother off. No longer the golden child. I know what you mean, it's very hard. And I was an only, so you don't have anyone to mirror to you that your parents aren't normal. > > > > > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hi , I know, our posts our eerily similar, even the outrageous blow-up episodes that both our nadas had at Christmas. It's very twilight zone or OZ...But it's also strangely comforting to know that someone out there, with the same name, no less, knows EXACTLY what I'm feeling. I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of having someone actually know what I'm feeling. Growing up with a nada and not a mother is like that. Yes, we are so in tune with how they are feeling. Even when they are manic we know that the mania is even more dangerous because they have too much energy and when that energy turns ugly...versus when they are sad and they turn ugly... You're like my OZ twin...haha... > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 What you said about " I told myself this meant I was so mature and important for her to share such stuff with me. " really rang true for me. I was always praised for being mature, but also condemned for not being enough of a kid by my nada. > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 I think being an only child was a little easier in some ways, because I don't have guilt over being a flying monkey, there was no one for me to be a flying monkey to. My nada would point out how I was so much better behaved than all of my friends but that would just make me feel good at the time, and they never knew so there was no guilt or anything. But also, I never realized that the way my nada treated me was different from other people's parents b/c I was just known as " the good kid " , grades, behavior, whole package, they didn't realize what my home life was like to create that. How I was an extension of her and working to " earn " love. > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 SAME HERE - exactly! > > > > > I am really curious about how you first started talking about > > > > your nada experience with your siblings, especially when you have had > > different > > > > experiences. Sorry if this was already a topic that was posted, but > > would > > > > appreciate ideas from other list members. ~D > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 haha Oz twins! :-) > > > > > > I just wanted to contribute to the board this thought: > > > > > > It seems many people often think that the child who is split good has it easy, but as a child who was split good until I became an adult, I have to say that's just not so. Just because you are not the object of nada's hate and fury, does not mean it doesn't affect you. Also, even as " the golden child " there is still a lot of abuse. Nada tries to dress you the way she wants--basically you are still an extension of her, even if you're the good child. But since you know you're the good child, and could quickly become the bad child, you do whatever it takes to remain the good child. So you wear what she likes. Her favorite color is your favorite color. > > > > > > Nada treats you like a replacement for the best friend and mother she never had. She tells you intimate details about her relationship with your father and expects you to give her advice, even though you are oly 16, never had a boyfriend, and DUH, her daughter. If you ever exhibit independence, nada's fury towards you is 10x as towards your black sheep brother, because you are the " golden child " , because she has sacrificed everything for you, because she has given you all the things she never had--whether you want them or not. > > > > > > So before we judge the " good children " , our siblings who are painted white, please remember that in many ways they are indoctrinated and suffering from a Stockholm type syndrome. They/we developed survival skills to keep nada from hurting them. Sometimes I feel like we talk about our siblings as being painted white or black like they have some kind of choice in the matter. It's not their fault. If my brothers blamed me because nada painted me white for so long, I think it would seriously hurt me emotionally, especially because I suffered so much abuse from her, and I am only now realizing how devastating being raised by her was/is to me psychologically. > > > > > > I am not saying at all to give into flying monnkeys or anything, because golden children can certainly be them. I know in some ways I was. I just, well, I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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